Sister as BM's? (long)

MsRo1976

So, my parents are paying for 2/3 of our wedding, and I have given her control of a lot of the choices in it. Here's the problem though: she wants my sisters to be my BM's (I am planning on a small wedding party). I have 2 sisters, and am not close to either of them. 

My older sister lives on the other side of the country with her hubby and kids... and she won't let me talk to the kids about the wedding! My mother manipulated me into giving her my savings for her wedding (I was young, and it was in excess of $10k). Of course, I will never see that back. I also threw my sister a surprise mini-engagement party, bridal shower, AND bachelorette party with no help (planning or financial) from anyone else,

My younger sister and I don't see eye to eye. I think she makes poor choices, and she thinks I flaunt my lifestyle in her face (I don't). We had an arguement because I was out of town when she wanted me to do a favor for here and she deleted and blocked me on FB. So really, these 2 shouled be in my wedding party?

I don't know what to do- my parents keep arguing with me about it, but I don't feel comfortable having them stand up for me. I have several friends (and a cousin) that I am very close with and would rather chosses 2 of them. 

Any thoughts? Anything I can say that will make my mom get off my back? My older sister just told me she would rather go on a cruise than come to my wedding so I told her to go (maybe I will get lucky?!?! No chance- my mom will make her come). 

Am I being a jerk for not wanting them?

AlmostMrsEngstrom

That sucks! I'm sorry about all the drama. I think that when your parents pay for the wedding, they get a lot of input, but only on things that involve their money (venue, food, flowers, etc.). They shouldn't get to choose who your bridal party is. That is your decision and you should choose whoever you feel close to and who you want standing by your side. If that's not your sisters, then so be it. If you're explaining your feelings to your parents and they just don't get it, then I'm not really sure what you can do. Is there another position you can give them besides bridesmaid? Can you have them do a reading or sing or something instead? Maybe they can have a job at the wedding that will make your mom happy but not be a bridesmaid? 

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE]My mother manipulated me into giving her my savings for her wedding (I was young, and it was in excess of $10k). [/QUOTE]

<div>Reject your mother's money, and have the small wedding you can afford.  Start limiting your family ties.  This is seriously toxic, and you do NOT want this kind of relationship to carry over into your married life.</div>

Montauk Daisy

You are not being a jerk but I am going to give you another point of view.  As a mother of 4 I can understand your mother wanting you to have your sisters in your bridal party.  I think most parents hope that their children will be close as adults even though sometimes they are not.  I guess that isn't your problem but it may be what your mom is feeling.  Maybe you can tell your mother that you love her very much and she did a great job raising you but you feel closer to some of your friends than your sisters.  It is what it is.

That said I have to tell you that looking back at my bridal party 37 years later we are only in touch with less than half of them.  Growing up my children enjoyed looking at our wedding album.  They liked seeing their aunts and uncle.  I'm glad we included them even though I wasn't at the time.  It would have been hard to explain why we didn't include them.  Friends are wonderful but they do change over the years.  Sisters good or bad are forever.

Good luck with your decision.

RaptorSLH

[QUOTE] Maybe you can tell your mother that you love her very much and she did a great job raising you y[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If Mom really pressured our bride into giving up her $10,000 savings account to fund her sister's wedding with no intent to repay it, then no, she didn't.

</div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sister-bms-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:71dd9209-b06c-4e52-a1c7-ce585ed4137ePost:ec4d3dbe-3e9d-4aea-9f68-fca1dcf31b37">Re: Sister as BM's? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]If Mom really pressured our bride into giving up her $10,000 savings account to fund her sister's wedding with no intent to repay it, then no, she didn't.
Posted by RaptorSLH[/QUOTE]

Agree completley!  Plan the wedding you and your FI can afford and do not accept any money from your mother. 

Oh, and no matter who pays for the wedding...they have no right in telling you who to have in your WP...have who you want and everyone will either accept it or will be mad but eventually get over it.

banana468

Your mom pressured you into giving $10K for your sister's wedding?

I'd be eloping and limiting ties to anyone who did that to me.  Shame on all of them.

kaitlyn&henry

No one can or should try to dictate your BP. Its your choice!!! My mother did the same exact thing to me...except she wanted me to "promote" my sister from BM to MOH even though i had a different sisters as an MOH.

My mother paid for a lot of our wedding as well...but that does not give her the right to tell you who you are close or not close with. She does get a say in most everything else, just not your WP.

Yes your sisters dont go anywhere...but when you look back at your wedding and think of who you asked, you can honestly say I was or still am close with those in my BP and they supported me at that time. I completely regret letting my mom get her way and having two mOH's...it created a huge rift in my relationship with the originaly mOH and my "promoted" sister and i still are not close, barely speak, and really do not get along.

Ask ONLY those you wont regret....relationships are bound to change...but as long as you know in your heart who is support you right now is what matters. Family members are not automatically BP members...idk why people assume this. Sorry youre going through this