Mom & I can't communicate.

spiderdianne

I'll admit, my mom and I rarely have a similiar taste (she's very traditional, I'm more modern/vintage/occasionally morbid). But this is ridiculous. We have fought over everything for this wedding. Most recently, it's the invitations. She claims that I don't care about her opinion, that I ask because it's polite.

If I was just being polite, I wouldn't have made 14 versions of invitations to try and please both her, my fiance, and me. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong as far as she's concerned. It's not the church she wanted, it's not the way she pictured, the colors aren't right... So much crap that I just don't get why we can't compromise on., Or why she can't see that it'll make me and the fiance happy and that it's kind of supposed to be our day.

I know a lot of people will say "so what, it's your wedding, not hers" but they (she and my dad) do deserve a say in it since they're paying for it. (I'm in law school and my fiance's job isn't great because he moved with me to go to law school...we're both horrendously broke.)

This is mostly a rant, but if anyone can give me any sort of advice on how to deal with this, I'd be more than appreciative. I can't take this arguing and tiptoing around each other (me and my mother) anymore. This is supposed to be happy for both of us, damn it.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mom-cant-communicate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:b69f36ea-01d2-44ba-a991-d475db781f57Post:e2f86fcf-cfca-43cb-b197-b9e4685226b8">Mom & I can't communicate.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll admit, my mom and I rarely have a similiar taste (she's very traditional, I'm more modern/vintage/occasionally morbid). But this is ridiculous. We have fought over everything for this wedding. Most recently, it's the invitations. She claims that I don't care about her opinion, that I ask because it's polite. If I was just being polite, I wouldn't have made 14 versions of invitations to try and please both her, my fiance, and me. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong as far as she's concerned. It's not the church she wanted, it's not the way she pictured, the colors aren't right... So much crap that I just don't get why we can't compromise on., Or why she can't see that it'll make me and the fiance happy and that it's kind of supposed to be our day. I know a lot of people will say "so what, it's your wedding, not hers" but they (she and my dad) do deserve a say in it since they're paying for it. (I'm in law school and my fiance's job isn't great because he moved with me to go to law school...we're both horrendously broke.) This is mostly a rant, but if anyone can give me any sort of advice on how to deal with this, I'd be more than appreciative. I can't take this arguing and tiptoing around each other (me and my mother) anymore. :( This is supposed to be happy for both of us, damn it.
Posted by spiderdianne[/QUOTE]

<div>Sadly as you already probably know that since they are paying (aka hosting) your mom gets a say in making decisions. The only way to stop the constant battle would be to delay your wedding and save up for the party you want. The best thing you can do is just keep compromising even if she and you are still not totally satisfied with certain decisions. </div><div>
</div><div>As for making 14 different invitations that is crazy, what you should have done (and maybe this can help in the future) is pick out you and your FI original favorite 3 or 4 and let her decide which one is her favorite and go with that. So that way you and your FI get something you want and your mom gets the final say.</div>

Muffin'sMom

When you have students (or children for that matter), you quickly learn that you can't give them unlimited choice.  First, you'll be there for 2 hours while some folks try to decide, or they will ask for something that you have NO intention or means to give them.  

So, instead of saying, "what would you like to do for your birthday?", you say,"for your birthday you can choose from a slumber party for 4, a pizza and movie party for 10, or a trip to the amusement park for two special people." 

You should do the same. " Mom, these are the options that FI and I just love...which one do you like best?"  You get one that you like, she gets to feel like a decisionmaker.  Win win.

inlove0506

My mom and I are having the same problems. Everything she says is just so negative (she hated every bridesmaid dress I picked out, I kindly told her she wasn't wearing them so it doesnt matter lol). I don't mind criticism but I wish it was productive. She pulled the "you don't want my opinion" line too. I told her what I just said, not when everything is negative. Doesn't she know she should agree with everything I come up with? ;-)

I wish I had some advice but I'm in the same boat as you (minus the fact my parents haven't offered to pay for anything). My mom hasn't talked to me since last friday not sure if its because of the wedding though. I wish if parents want to help pay for the wedding let the bride (and groom) do the wedding they want. In the end it is your wedding your going to be looking back on 20+ years from now.

MairePoppy

Muffin'sMom is so smart. If your mom wants to be involved with the decisions, narrow down the choices to the few that you like and let her make the final decision. You both win.

And if you find yourselves arguing about something, ask for a breather. After both of you have had a little bit of time to think about it, you will realize the detail you're arguing about is not that important.

spiderdianne

I'm glad I'm not alone in this. Everyone I know has gotten along pretty well with their mom for wedding-stuff... It just bothers me that we both keep getting upset and teary over it. Idk.

MuffinsMom, that's actually a good idea. I may have to start using it. Haha.

Thanks gals.

knottief7f08860652a16bf

My mom and I argued a lot in the beginning, but it has gotten better. 

I have learned to not tell my mom anything I am thinking about doing, but to sow her pictures.  for some reason that makes a big difference for her (maybe I make things sound ugly when I explain them?).

You'll learn some tricks for getting along too!  

ebmargit

I commiserate.  My mom and I just had a massive blowup about the invitations (granted, we went the cheap route... she decided she didn't quite like the wording *after* I had spent 4 hours printing them when I should have been writing a paper - and I only printed them after she had proofread it). 

In my situation, there are a lot of things I just don't care about - I want people to have a nice time, I care whether the food tastes good and the DJ/photographer is good, but whether we have a cake or even paper invites?  I'd rather do email and send out paper only to the people who are too old to know how to use it.

I wonder whether it's a generational issue.  It sounds like your mom wants everything to be perfect (for whom?  The Joneses?) - but you just want it to be perfect for you.  I see a conversation in my future setting boundaries with my mom and telling her she either has to shelve her expectations or spend her own time making things perfect if she wants them that way.  You might have to do the same thing.

The good news is, though... none of this crap actually matters on the day of (as long as you and your mom don't fight on that day... you might want to tell her that nitpicking on the wedding day is not allowed!! - but in a nice way, of course).  My husband and I got hitched in a park a year ago and it was awesome.  The thing we're planning now is for all the offended relatives.  On your wedding day, you will not give two ***s whether the flowers were perfect or the wedding favors reflected your personality.  You'll just be psyched.