Unreasonable?

seasidebride24

I decided to post this here because a lot of you have far more experience being in weddings than I do and I want honest opinions.
My sisters are both in my WP and we are all tall girls so we have large feet.  My wedding is a very formal evening wedding (Black Tie Optional) and the bridesmaid dresses are formal so I thought the shoes should be too.  I even suggested that if they didn't want to wear heels they could go for a satin ballet flat.  Now I'm being told that one sister doesn't like ballet flats and refuses to wear them, she would prefer to be in flip flops.  The other sister has said that unless she gets to wear flip flops she will be taking her shoes off as soon as she gets to the reception and she'll be barefoot if she has to be.  I have looked at all sorts of flip flops and I don't really feel they match how formal the dresses are.  I also worry about the amount of noise flip flops make.  The church we are having the ceremony at is very strict and I don't want to be disrespectful.  I wouldn't even consider flip flops appropriate for Sunday services.  So, am I being unreasonable by asking my sister to find shoes that are formal and not flip flops?  Suggestions and advice welcome! Thanks in advance!

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:e08c8cbb-584b-4736-90c7-1cb6c3948d3fPost:2f718092-0be5-4df0-9f96-2b679cd7c5a3">Unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]I decided to post this here because a lot of you have far more experience being in weddings than I do and I want honest opinions. My sisters are both in my WP and we are all tall girls so we have large feet.  My wedding is a very formal evening wedding (Black Tie Optional) and the bridesmaid dresses are formal so I thought the shoes should be too.  I even suggested that if they didn't want to wear heels they could go for a satin ballet flat.  Now I'm being told that one sister doesn't like ballet flats and refuses to wear them, she would prefer to be in flip flops.  The other sister has said that unless she gets to wear flip flops she will be taking her shoes off as soon as she gets to the reception and she'll be barefoot if she has to be.  I have looked at all sorts of flip flops and I don't really feel they match how formal the dresses are.  I also worry about the amount of noise flip flops make.  The church we are having the ceremony at is very strict and I don't want to be disrespectful.  I wouldn't even consider flip flops appropriate for Sunday services.  So, am I being unreasonable by asking my sister to find shoes that are formal and not flip flops?  Suggestions and advice welcome! Thanks in advance!
Posted by seasidebride24[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Unless the BMs dresses are floor length, I say flip flops should not be worn until the reception. If you are letting them choose whatever shoe they want (in a certain color) then I see no problem directing them to not choose flip flops (when they get to the reception they can change to flip flops or go bare foot). So just compromise with they have to wear a formal shoe to the ceremony but afterwards they can run around barefoot if they want. This is pretty common for the many wedding I have been in and at. Even myself as a guest or BM can not wear even though most low heel through the whole night and usually get slippers, flip flops, or go barefoot as soon as the dancing starts.

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seasidebride24

I'm giving them these nice satin slip-ons to wear for the reception since barefoot is not allowed at my reception venue.  Also, our reception is very formal and it will be ballroom dancing because that's what my FI and I love to do.  There is a band playing so there won't be the typical dancing I have seen at most of the weddings I have been to.  It was actually supposed to be a Black Tie event, but we didn't want everyone to feel obligated to rent a tux if they don't already have one so we added the Optional part. 

Kristin789

You have already asked/told, and your sisters have dismissed you and what you've said.
Next, I would talk this over with your mother and the wedding coordinator at your church, and have them handle this with your sisters.

garcias1

Since it's a Black Tie Optional affair (which is still pretty dressy), I would imagine that your BMs are in floor length dresses.  If this is the case, then don't worry about the shoes they wear.  This is not something worth getting upset over.  My stepsister wore cowboy boots under he floor length dress (the wedding was not western themed) and no one had any clue until she lifted up her dress at the reception to show people.

If your BMs aren't wearing floor length dresses, then ask them to find close toed shoes and leave it at that.

AutumnFair

I agree with Kristin then, have your mother and church coordinator handle your sisters that flip flops are not allowed in the church. If you are giving them the option of picking their own formal shoe I really don't see how they can't find something with reasonable comfort. I have a friend that wears a size 12 and she can still find comfortable formal shoes. 

If your reception has a no barefoot policy then explain that to them, but I would not fight them on the flip flops for the reception, just give them the slippers and think about something else. I understand you want a more formal reception but the fact is that if they want to wear flip flops they will do it with or without your knowledge so try to not to dwell on it. My BFF's sister actually threw on blue jeans under her dress at the reception without my friend's knowledge and my friend never even notice it. Your sisters might be like my BF's sister who just like to "rebel" and do what they want, but as long as you explain that the church doesn't allow flip flops and the reception doesn't allow bare feet then they will respect their rules.

gailpete

You are not being unreasonable.  Flip flops are inappropriate for a formal wedding.  I think you should talk to your mom about this and see if she can talk some sense into your sisters.  There are some very comfortable dressy shoes out there that are available in larger sizes, so I'm sure they can find something they'll like. 

MairePoppy

Flip flops are not appropriate for a formal church wedding. Let them know the church has a strict dress code. Since they will be buying shoes that they will probably never wear again, you could offer to help with the cost. If they are wearing floor length dresses, would the satin slip-ons work for church?

I am not a fan of flip-flops, except for the beach, but I would let them wear whatever they want for the reception. Sure, it would be nice if they were more cooperative, but it's just not worth arguing about.

seasidebride24

Kristin, thank you for the advice.  My MOH has offered to work on it for me since my mother is part of the problem.
 I just feel like if they were going to someone else's formal wedding then they would dress appropriately (including formal shoes).  To me it feels like they are only doing this because it's me.  This isn't the only situation I've felt like I'm battling with them over.  It's seems like if I want it, they are against it and I have no clue why they accepted the offer of being a BM if they don't really want to participate.  I was a BM for my sister's wedding and I went along with the things she wanted.  The one time that I asked for a slight change of plans with my sister she went bridezilla on me. 

seasidebride24

The other posts went up while I was writing my last one.  Thanks for all the advice from everyone.  I really appreciate the input.  The slippers would be fine for the church since you can't tell they aren't an actual shoe.  I told my mom that they could wear those and she told me that would be innapropriate since they aren't "real shoes".  But I don't consider flip flops real shoes.  And I have offered to buy their shoes, but I got told two things: 1) If I am buying their shoes than I should buy them whatever they choose (even if it's flip flops) and 2) I am being "stupid" to offer because it's not about the money it's that they want to wear flip flops. 

AutumnFair

I have to know, how old are your sisters that they are so set on flip flops? Basically, if you are going to pay for their shoes, you can give them guidelines (X color shoe that is NOT flip flops). And I say don't fight them on flip flops for the reception, maybe then they will be content. But if your church has a certain dress code, they need to respect it, if they don't want to respect the church dress code they can step down as BM. Seriously, your sisters need to grow up and suck it up for an hour or 2 with wearing a dress shoe be it the slippers or a formal shoe, then they can go into flip flops for the reception. I personally wouldn't take their complaining for the ceremony since there is a dress code, but I would compromise with the reception and let them wear flip flops. 

aerinpegadrak

My sister wore flip flops for our ceremony.  I didn't know until she told me later, because her dress was floor length.  She had brought flats and wore them for our photo tour, but apparently they were too uncomfortable and she had to take them off.

I think if it's something where the church coordinator isn't going to let them walk down the aisle, you need to let them know that part.  But if the dresses are floor length, they can wear lime green galoshes if they want and no one will be the wiser.

jerseydevil

I don't think flip flops are appropriate at all for the formality of your wedding, HOWEVER if the girls are in floor length dresses no one will see their feet anyway and I don't think worth arguing over.

graysquirrel

I agree with you that flip flops are highly inappropriate. They are very noisy and too informal. I would be firm in your stance and allow them to go barefoot at the reception if they insist on it. But as part of you BP, they should be gracious enough to wear proper shoes in a house of worship. 

jagore08

I think a compromise would be nice.  Ask your sister to wear the ballet flats or the slipper things you were talking about and she can change into flip flops for the reception.  I agree that flip flops are not acceptable for the formality of your wedding but I don't see the issue with wearing them for the reception.

seasidebride24

The issue isn't really the flip flops at the reception, it is more the childish way it was brought up to me which made me want to tell them no.  It was said like I'm going to wear them to spite you because you won't let me wear flip flops to the ceremony (kind of an "f you I'll do what I want").  I'm just really frustrated with their behavior over everything and my one request regarding the shoes was that they not be flip flops.  Also, the dresses aren't floor length, they decided that they wanted knee length cocktail dresses (which wasn't my first choice), so the shoes will be seen.  My MOH has been great, kind of going with the flow of my sisters and taking things in stride, but I'm starting to regret asking my sisters to be in WP which is a really bad feeling.  I'm just tired of the drama.

deepcovejackie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_unreasonable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:e08c8cbb-584b-4736-90c7-1cb6c3948d3fPost:ab3179a9-8834-4408-af2f-51a10242de33">Re: Unreasonable?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The issue isn't really the flip flops at the reception</strong>, it is more the childish way it was brought up to me which made me want to tell them no.  It was said like I'm going to wear them to spite you because you won't let me wear flip flops to the ceremony (kind of an "f you I'll do what I want").  I'm just really frustrated with their behavior over everything and my one request regarding the shoes was that they not be flip flops.  Also, the dresses aren't floor length, they decided that they wanted knee length cocktail dresses (which wasn't my first choice), so the shoes will be seen.  My MOH has been great, kind of going with the flow of my sisters and taking things in stride, but I'm starting to regret asking my sisters to be in WP which is a really bad feeling.  I'm just tired of the drama.
Posted by seasidebride24[/QUOTE]

OK, so therein lies the problem.  It's not about the shoes.  Could it be about your expectations of your sisters?  Relax on that, and you may have less regret about asking your sisters to be in the wedding.  If your mother is also "part of the problem", then you might need to have a look at your part in all of this.

Don't make flip flops the hill you're going to die on here.

orangecrush32

If they aren't floor length dresses, then there is no way they can get away with wearing any shoe they would like at the ceremony. Tell them that there is no room for discussion. You church requires proper formal shoes and that if they want to wear flip flops they literally are choosing to take themselves out of the WP. See if that changes their minds.

vannymuse

Unless the church absolutely forbids, it sounds like your sisters are going to wear flip flops come hell or high water, especially if your mom is on their side

I know you said you looked already, but they are some more formal looking flip flop styles that look pretty nice available online in larger sizes. Some examples:

http://www.zappos.com/bernardo-must-stone-silver-nappa



http://www.6pm.com/pelle-moda-haight-silver-metallic-suede


edited to fix links

MairePoppy

It sounds like this has become a battle of wills more than anything else. The more everyone argues about the shoes, the more they are going to dig their heels in. Since your wedding isn't until September, you would probably be better off dropping this subject for now. If they don't come to their senses before then, THEY are going to be the ones that look out of place.

filaw

If I saw barefeet at a formal event (wedding or no) I'd be shocked and a little bit grossed out.  If I saw flip flops, I'd roll my eyes and wonder what this grown woman was thinking.

RebeccaB88

Personally, I think your sisters are acting like two year olds.  What grown adult woman isn't aware (or doesn't care) that flip flops aren't proper formal attire?  Can they not agree to wear a pretty dressy sandal, if they're so insistent that everyone be able to see their feet?  I think you gave them plenty of leeway on their shoes, so why are they fixated on the one thing you asked them to respect your wishes on?   Is there something else behind this?  Or are they used to being able to steamroll you in other areas, so they think they can do it now too?

Agree to let the church coordinator handle this.  If their choices are to either dress properly or not attend their sister's wedding, maybe they'll straighten up.  Or maybe you'll see what they're really made of.  If they show up in flip flops anyway, to me it would be a relationship-changing display of disrespect.  Not because of the flip flops, but because of the way they chose to handle it.  Unless there's a LOT of backstory here that we don't know about...

aerinpegadrak

You mentioned that they both have large feet; maybe flip-flops are the only shoes they can actually wear without discomfort.  There are some fairly dressy thong sandals out there that are essentially flip-flops, maybe they could wear those.  Or maybe they already own shoes that could be made to work.  I think that once you find out WHY they're so set on flip-flops, you'll be able to find a compromise that everyone can be happy with.

But that's just for the ceremony.  After the ceremony, they're just guests, and you shouldn't dictate their attire there any more than you can dictate it for your other guests.  If they want to change into flip-flops and look silly, let them.  My MOH changed into giant fuzzy red slippers for the reception, and honestly I didn't even know until looking at pictures later.  Would you rather have your sisters in flip-flops enjoying the party, or "properly dressed" and moping in the corner because they're uncomfortable?

seasidebride24

@deepcove- The issue is the shoes but only for the ceremony, because the church does not consider flip flops appropriate attire.  Sunday service at this church requires a suit and tie for the men and there aren't any women wearing flip flops.  It's mostly because of the area they are in, along with some well known church members and a very strict Reverend. 

Interestingly enough, one of my sisters is close to 30 but the other one is 22.  And I understand how uncomfortable some shoes can be since I'm a size 11, but I have found so many shoes that come in their size and would be appropriate for this type of event. 

I definitely agree that flip flops (and more so barefeet) are tacky at any sort of formal social function.  If we are putting Black Tie Optional on the invitations than it indicates to all the guests that this is a formal affair.  It gives them a guideline for how they dress themselves.  I think it would be rude for my sisters to be in flip flops when my other guests take the time to dress themselves properly.

At this point, my only concern is that if they want to stay in the WP they will wear appropriate shoes for the ceremony.  But I seem to be losing that too...

deepcovejackie

What I'm saying is that the shoes may be a metaphor for the underlying issue here.  By that, I mean that you're expressing frustration and disappointment at the behaviour of your sisters (and possibly your mother, as you said she is part of the problem).  I'm asking if, maybe, this may have to do with your expectations.

We get brides all the time here saying that two or three of their BM's are being unreasonable.  Once there's more than one person putting up a fuss, you have to look at other root causes.  Like the brides expectations, attitude or behavior.  I'm not saying you're in the wrong at all.  I'm just asking you to have a look at that, and see if any of this rings a bell.

I'm not trying to criticize you.  I was just presenting a scenario that maybe you hadn't considered.  Good luck sorting it out, you were saying that you were regretting having your sisters in the WP.  I hope you can enjoy the day with them.

It's not JUST about the shoes.

seasidebride24

To be honest, I don't really have any expectations of anyone for this.  I wanted a private ceremony on a tropical beach with only me and my FI there and then a party to celebrate with our friends and family later.  Unfortunately, I was the only one who wanted that.  So I started planning an actual wedding.  My FMIL was adamant that we get married in a church even though my FI and I wanted an oceanside wedding, so I found a church that was next to the ocean and would make both parties happy.  My mom and my FI wanted a BP, so initially it was going to be just the MOH and the Best Man.  Unfortunately, my mom was still not happy since she wanted me to have my sisters in the BP, so we included my sisters.  I found a dress I was in love with, but that was a huge source of drama because my mom thought it was too expensive even though I'm the one paying for it.  I'm not very good with large crowds of people so my FI and I decided to keep the guest list under 75.  Every day since we let our parents know that, I have had to listen to complaints from both moms about how these certain people are so special to them that we have to have them at our wedding.  It's the only thing I have put my foot down on, especially since the venue only holds 80.  So, I have been planning this formal wedding for everyone else but myself and I have no desire to fight over the dress code for the ceremony, especially since it's not even my dress code.  There are about a dozen other things that I would rather do differently but I don't have any desire to fight about it because this isn't the wedding I wanted anyway.  The least my sisters could do is suck it up and put on a pair of acceptable shoes.

Ready2BMrsWade

As another girl with big feet (rockin' size TWELVE) I can say there ARE formal shoes out for big feet, and if one so desires, can find appropriate ones for a formal church wedding. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my flip flops, but would not think it's okay to wear to a wedding, let alone in a WP. They are loud! There are formal sandals that are as comfy as flip flops but have heel straps so they don't make so much noise. If you have one, Payless has larger sized shoes and a decent selection of nice ones. 

lalap69

I think your sisters are being diicks.

The suggestion above to refer them to your church coordinator is a good one.  I'd just tell them matter of factly "This is the dress code.  If you don't want to abide by it, that's your choice, but then you're choosing to remove yourself from my wedding party.  I hope that you will choose to remain a part of it, but it is your choice."

I'm sorry your sisters are acting like this.

seasidebride24

@jamie- My parents are paying for the wedding, so of course they get input.  And yes, I am a grown woman, but I guess I'm trying (maybe too hard) to avoid being called a bridezilla.  I have no desire to alienate anyone over this wedding, so for the most part everyone is getting what they want.  At the end of the day I'll be happy just to be married to the man I love and everyone else will be happy because they got what they wanted.

I'm taking the advice to defer all further issues over footwear to the church coordinator.  I am meeting with her next month, so I will ask my sisters to come along (just for the company) and at that point she can explain the dress code to them.  If it is no longer coming from me maybe they will listen. 

Thank you to everyone for the advice.  I really appreciate the help!

FayeValentine69

Remember that there's a WIDE road between Bridezilla and Doormat. 

And make sure that your church coordinator will actually say "no flip flops" before you take your BMs to the meeting.  I know several churches that have dress codes involving things like bare shoulders or cleavage but don't actually have anything in there about footwear (other than you need to be wearing something), since it's not really a "sexy" thing. 

MeepWedding

I really hope my sisters and FSIL don't pull this crap as part of my WP.