My FI thinks I've lost my mind

SD3194

My FI thinks I'm being overly generous. I've been in 7 weddings and every single one of them has been a huge pain in the neck between all of the time invested and money spent. Whenever one of my friends gets engaged I pray that she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. With this said, I want to be as accomodating to my wedding party as possible and not ask too much of them.

We have ten people total in our WP and I'm paying for their dresses, shoes, and tux rental. I'm also paying for their hotel rooms (2 nights), gifts, and taking my bridal party to the spa before the rehearsal. I think he plans on taking the GM golfing or something. Oh and I plan to pay for everyone's hair to be done the day of wedding. I've also thought about renting a beach house for my bachelorette party since everyone is spread out. My FI says, jokingly of course, that I'm going to have to work the streets to pay for all this but I'd rather budget on other things and splurge on this. Am I going overboard?

Note: None of this has been discussed with the WP

bablingbrooke

Wow, can I be in your WP?

The only words of warning I'll give are not to offer any of this to them until you're 100% sure you can pay for it.  Beyond that, I personally think it's brilliant.

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:095d9d3d-57b8-4f42-a83e-94aafeb62c0a">My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI thinks I'm being overly generous. I've been in 7 weddings and every single one of them has been a huge pain in the neck between all of the time invested and money spent. Whenever one of my friends gets engaged I pray that she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. With this said, I want to be as accomodating to my wedding party as possible and not ask too much of them. We have ten people total in our WP and I'm paying for their dresses, shoes, and tux rental. I'm also paying for their hotel rooms (2 nights), gifts, and taking my bridal party to the spa before the rehearsal. I think he plans on taking the GM golfing or something. Oh and I plan to pay for everyone's hair to be done the day of wedding. I've also thought about renting a beach house for my bachelorette party since everyone is spread out. My FI says, jokingly of course, that I'm going to have to work the streets to pay for all this but I'd rather budget on other things and splurge on this. Am I going overboard? Note: None of this has been discussed with the WP
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

You certainly CAN do all of this, but you certainly don't have to (and you shouldn't feel like you have to). If you want to, great! It sounds like you are a very generous individual.

The one thing that you SHOULD NOT have anything to do with at all in the least, is parties in your honor such as the bachelorette and bridal shower. That means no beach house. These parties are for someone (or several someones depending on who wants to) other than the bride to plan if they so choose. That also means whoever is hosting plans and pays for the party. Please do not take any part in planning and paying for these parties.

Other than that you are certainly welcome to pay for your attendants attire, accommodations, and hair. I'm sure they would appreciate that.

graysquirrel

If this is something that you can afford to do, then that is up to you. Personally, I think it is going overboard, but I don't have that kind of money to shell out. 

SD3194

Yea we are paying for the wedding ourselves so our budget isn't huge, that's why my FI is having heart failure about this situation lol.

filaw

I don't think you're crazy.  We paid for almost all of the same stuff.  (We didn't pay for rooms or the beach house thing that you have planned).  I think it's nice to be as accommodating as you can afford to be.

I disagree that it's totally inappropriate for you to lend a hand in supplying the house for a potential B-party, though it could go either way with stepping on peoples toes, etc.  You know you're friends best.  It sounds like maybe in you circle of friends, it's already assumed some kind of elaborate b-party will be planed, and you're just trying to make it easier.  It might help to not explicitly call it a B-party, but instead call it a celebratory wedding weekend or the like.

mbcdefg

I think it's very generous of you, but like PP said don't tell them about it until you are 100% sure you can pay for it in full. If you can afford it, go for it, but don't feel bad and don't go into debt if you can't. When someone agrees to be in a wedding she ought to know that there's some personal expense involved ... within reason, of course. As long as you stay on the same page with them about what they'd be spending, that's all you're required to do. Paying for some/all of their expenses is a sweet bonus on your part.

Regarding the shoes ... I would just let them pick out their own (assuming that you mean that you want them in matching shoes). Not that paying for their shoes isn't nice, because it is, but most people are really particular about what they put on their feet. I'd rather pay for my own shoes and be comfy, than have them paid for but be uncomfortable in them (because not all dress shoes work on my feet).

SD3194

That's smart...I never really thought about the shoe thing in that sense. I'd be pissed if someone picked out some stilettos for me to wear lol

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:7d9bcd63-74cc-4b47-95b8-36b2ef7dc3f7">Re: My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, can I be in your WP? The only words of warning I'll give are not to offer any of this to them until you're 100% sure you can pay for it.  Beyond that, I personally think it's brilliant.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

This.

If you honestly can afford all that, go for it!

garcias1

It sounds like you are really looking out for your WP, which is great.  But honestly, if it will save you headaches later, skip the unneccesaries.  For instance, the BMs don't have to get their hair done.  But, in the end, you decide how to spend your money, and your WP will be very grateful that you were so considerate.

ckonidak

Ditto Garcias. 

It's really nice of you to try and be so accommodating, but the WP usually knows what it means when they agree to be part of your big day. Also, if you are paying for the whole thing yourselves, maybe there is something that your groom wanted to splurge on (as oppose to paying for nearly everything for the WP)? Maybe better food for all your guests or an open bar would be something that benefits your entire guest list and not just a select few?  However, if you really have the budget for it, I think it's incredibly generous of you!

Beachy730

I think its great that you want to do so much for them, but I don't think you should spare the rest of your guests for it.  You said you will be budgeting everywhere else to make your WP feel special, but what about all of your guests?  Honestly I would be pretty upset if I was a guest with a very limitar bar, no appetizers, and a minimal dinner, but heard how you paid for all these things for the WP, including a spa day and their hair and what not.  And I'm assuming this is what will happen since you said you don't really have the money for this but you will scrimp on other areas.

I think you should definitely skip on the shoes.  Let them wear ones they already have.  Paying for their hair is nice, but you could also just not require them to get it done.  A spa day for all of them is a lot as well.  If anything take them to a cheapy nail place for pedicures, but that's not even necessary.  And I definitely don't think you should be paying for their hotel rooms, especially not for 2 nights.  I can imagine that the hotel rooms alone is enough to cover an open bar for the wedding or some nice hors d'ouevres. 

As for the beach house, by offering to rent it you are basically planning your bachelorette party for them.  If they ask for ideas of what you want you can mention it, but its not right to plan your own parties.

SD3194

Thanks for your opinions. Were having an open bar, nice food and what not so our guests won't suffer. I'm a chef and a lush...so booze and food are a big deal lol. I'll probably just budget on things like flowers, my dress and invites. I think the beach house thing will probably be a no go. Everyone is right saying I shouldn't have anything to do with planning/paying for the bachelorette party so screw it haha.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:d448f619-307a-496f-89aa-7649068cc393">Re: My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your opinions. <strong>Were having an open bar, nice food and what not so our guests won't suffer. </strong>I'm a chef and a lush...so booze and food are a big deal lol. <strong>I'll probably just budget on things like flowers, my dress and invites. </strong>I think the beach house thing will probably be a no go. Everyone is right saying I shouldn't have anything to do with planning/paying for the bachelorette party so screw it haha.
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]
Good priorities!  Like I said, if you can do it painlessly, go for it.  Best of luck.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:d448f619-307a-496f-89aa-7649068cc393">Re: My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your opinions. Were having an open bar, nice food and what not so our guests won't suffer. I'm a chef and a lush...so booze and food are a big deal lol. I'll probably just budget on things like flowers, my dress and invites. I think the beach house thing will probably be a no go. Everyone is right saying I shouldn't have anything to do with planning/paying for the bachelorette party so screw it haha.
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

Okay good to know.  As long as you aren't skimping on things that directly affect your guests then go for it.  I think the dress and flowers are a great place to budget.  And you can get some amazing DIY invite kits.  Thats what we used just because we thought it was absurd to pay so much for them.

I'm still with your FI in that you're crazy for wanting to do all this, but good for you for wanting to treat them all so well.  Just don't kill yourself or put yourself into debt to keep them from spending any money at all.  Everything you mentioned is well above and beyond what you should be spending, so cutting back on any of it still leaves you as being a very thoughtful bride.  If I were you I wouldn't mention any of it to them until right before it comes time to pay or book each individual thing, so that if your situation does change you don't have to say "sorry, I can't pay now."

SD3194

Yea I'll probably wait until I know the money is there before I go telling people stuff. I had a bride tell me she was going to pay for my dress so I went out and bought her a pretty expensive wedding gift. A few weeks later she said due to some unexpected expenses she couldn't pay for it after all. I was pissed and the gift went right back to the store lol.

bablingbrooke

Ugh, so not cool.  I'd take the gift back too!

lalap69

I think it's great that you want to do so much for your WP.  Everything I'd recommend has already been said by PPs and you seem to have listened to them, so I have nothing more to say but that this is awesome.

sister2groom

Question, are you getting a hotel room for each, or putting them together, because I don't know how you would work that if any of them are bringing SOs.

I think that's VERY generous if you can afford it, I certainly wouldn't mind as your BM. It does concern me, however, that your FI does mind so much. I mean, if you plan on doing some sort of joining of finances when you're married, I don't think it makes sense to make unilateral large financial decisions about the wedding.

This is just an estimate, but let's say attire for each costs $100 ($1000). Hotel $100/night($2000). Pre-rehearsal shenanigans $30 pp($300). Hair for 5 girls at around $40 for wedding($200). That would be $3500 and that seems like a really low estimate. plus whatever you spend on gifts. That's a heck of a lot for a low-budget wedding.

I know you feel badly about making them spend a lot after your BM experiences. But you don't have to feel obligated to cover their hotel rooms. I mean, I assume they'd have to get hotel rooms as guests as well, so if you do want to make being a BM free for them, maybe you could cover only one night (since they'd be paying for one night anyhow).

SD3194

Yea I don't want to undermine him and spend a bunch of our money so I'll probably cut some things out. I might just cut out the hotel and attire all together, I've spent alot of money on other people's wedding so I guess it's my turn now I still want to pay for the spa day thing though, it'll be nice to spend a relaxing day with the girls.

Meredith5683

Ok so I try to lurk most of the time, but some things stuck out to me. First, if your FI is about to have a heart attack, maybe he knows that you two don't have the money for such extravagant things for your friends. Secondly, you know how you spent all your time and money on everyone else's wedding? This is you and your FI's day to shine. Everyone will do the exact same thing you did, shell out time and money. In the beginning, I was choosing to not have a wedding party because I didn't think it was fair for my closest friends to go bankrupt just because I was in love. All in all, you spent a lot of time and money on everyone else's wedding and now they'll do the same. I don't think it's all too fair for you to give and give to their weddings and then give and give to the same people on your wedding. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think you should splurge on them so amazingly unless you're pretty well off in all your other departments.

Manwaithiel

Ummm, I have a concern with this.

Your FI seems somewhat concerned about the amount you plan on spending on them. And, unless you guys are planning on not joining finances (and I don't see that happening as you say you are paying for the "yourselves") then the debts you accumulate before the wedding will belong to both of you. I get that he's "joking" about it, but do you think he might actually be worried? Because you probably dont' want to start off your marriage with the two of you arguing about all the money you spent on your friends.

I would love to pay for everything for my BMs too, but it's just not going to happen. They get to pick whatever dress they want, and I'm paying for their hair if they want to get done on the wedding day. Other than that, though, they're on their own for lodging and such. Just like any other guest who is attending your wedding.

I think it's smart to not say anything until you are absolutely sure that it'll work. Just be realistic about what you can actually spend on everyone. I think your priorities are pretty good, but make sure that both you and your FI are okay with the amount you spend on everyone.

marissa_claire

I think you've had a lot of fair opinions on here.  I think it's great that you don't want them to suffer.  I paid for my BMs' dresses and tried to keep their costs low all-around.  However, I do think you need to create a realistic budget for all of this before you tell them your plans.  And maybe once you make a budget of what you can actually afford, break it down into what pays for this and that.  

On our end, I think all the WP's attire (flower girls' dresses, ring bearer tuxes, GM tuxes, usher tuxes and BM dresses) ended up being $1750 - $2000.  Honestly, I don't know where we would have put that otherwise, because our food, booze, favors, so on and so forth all turned out great.

tldh

It's sweet that you want to do this, however, there are ways to keep their costs down: get a budget from each as to what they are willing to spend, let them pick their dresses, forget about matching shoes and accessories, block a hotel, etc.

Before I got engaged I always said I would pay for everything with the WP also...and then I saw how expensive it is to throw even a small wedding.  If you are going to make cuts elsewhere, be careful.  Keep in mind that your WP will not be your only guests - there will be many more - and your guests should be the focus of your reception.  

Take a good look at vendor costs and come up with a budget (a wedding is not worth going into debt) that you can stick to.  I don't know how far into the planning process you are but this is step number one.

Personally, I'd be giving huge eye rolls if I found out the wedding was done on the cheap (bad food, cheap looking decor, cash bar, etc) because the bride used half the budget to treat her WP to a fabulous girls weekend complete with wardrobe and the groom treated everyone on his side to rounds of golf. 

tlbattaglia

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:467a65c6-dccd-4fa5-bc1e-b01a637493b1">Re: My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]If this is something that you can afford to do, then that is up to you. Personally, I think it is going overboard, but I don't have that kind of money to shell out. 
Posted by graysquirrel[/QUOTE]

rclarke08

I have been coming up with a lot of fun things for my bridal party too because those girls mean everything to me and each and everyone has been a huge part of my life for 10 years.  I would say.. NO planning the bachelorette party (which I see you took out lol), NO to the dress buying.  I am letting my ladies pick out there own shoes as long as they are ok-ed by me so everyone will be comfortable.  I AM paying for their hair but that's because I REALLY want everyone's hair to look nice and formal.  I LOVE the spa day idea and think it is awesome and plan on doing it for my girls too. I wouldn't tell any of them of anything you are planning to pay for until you are there at the appointments with money to pay.  I totally understand why you want to go overboard.. it's people you care the most about (besides family and FI!!) and that's why they are such a huge a part of the whole celebration!! I think what you have planned is awesome and I wouldn't complain being in your bridal party!! haha Good luck to you

bdriley

You don't get to plan everything for a wedding that both you and your FI are paying for,  He gets a say and if he's not comfortable with the amount you want to spend then you have to respect that.  Your FI is more important than your wedding party.  Respect that he doesn't want to blow all your combined life savings on attire that will only be worn once and other items that might not be as appreciated as you hope for.  For example, I don't like going to spas and FI hates golfing.  Your WP might not like those things as much as you think.

Wait until after the wedding to tally up how much each person in your WP spent, then (after discussing things with your husband) buy gifts/spa days that reflect a compensation you see as fair.  It's better for them to see how much you appreciated their effort and support after your wedding than it is for them to see you forking over money for gifts that they didn't expect or might not feel they've earned.

deb84

I think IF (and only IF) you can afford all this it is wonderful BUT it seems from your FI's reaction that you don't really have the money for this.  It is a lot.  My FI and I discussed what we were comfortable paying for in regards to our wedding party.  We are trying very hard to keep their costs down.  Don't spend more than you can afford and/or are comfortable with.  It is also something you need to discuss with your FI and come to an agreement on.  Remember these people are your nearest and dearest, they agreed to be in the wedding expecting there to be costs involved in that decision.

aerinpegadrak

You can keep the expense down for them without bankrupting yourself.  One of my girls didn't spend a dime to be in my wedding (she paid her own travel, but she lives halfway across the country from me and would have had to do that anyway), but the only thing I paid for was her hair.  She already owned a suitable dress and accessories, and did her own makeup.  Had I not paid for the hair, she probably would have done that herself or with assistance from one of the other girls.

It's really admirable that you want to spoil your friends like this, but money is a huge source of tension in marriages, and you really need to be on the same page as your FI about this.  A better compromise might be to allow them to wear any LBD/suit of the appropriate formality, and try to arrange for a good group rate on hotel (and maybe put them in contact with each other if anyone's interested in splitting a room).  Then you can still do gifts, hair, and treat anyone who's interested (please don't make it mandatory) to the spa day and golfing.

I think most people understand that they're going to have to spend at least some money to be in a wedding.  If you're giving them room to shop around for the best deals and not just telling them how much they're going to be paying, you're doing plenty.

MacFreitas7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fi-thinks-ive-lost-mind?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0d56c6fc-48df-4c81-9afc-906806f864d0Post:095d9d3d-57b8-4f42-a83e-94aafeb62c0a">My FI thinks I've lost my mind</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI thinks I'm being overly generous. I've been in 7 weddings and every single one of them has been a huge pain in the neck between all of the time invested and money spent. Whenever one of my friends gets engaged I pray that she doesn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. With this said, I want to be as accomodating to my wedding party as possible and not ask too much of them. We have ten people total in our WP and I'm paying for their dresses, shoes, and tux rental. I'm also paying for their hotel rooms (2 nights), gifts, and taking my bridal party to the spa before the rehearsal. I think he plans on taking the GM golfing or something. Oh and I plan to pay for everyone's hair to be done the day of wedding. I've also thought about renting a beach house for my bachelorette party since everyone is spread out. My FI says, jokingly of course, that I'm going to have to work the streets to pay for all this but I'd rather budget on other things and splurge on this. <strong>Am I going overboard?</strong> Note: None of this has been discussed with the WP
Posted by SD3194[/QUOTE]

Yes, completely overboard.