Choosing BM's

qwerty777

I just got engaged in June, and am trying to plan an April 2010 wedding, but we have no venue or anything yet.  I also have not chosen any BMs because I just don't know what to do.  I found out that my sister asked my mom if she was a BM, and my mom made it very clear that she fully expected to be one.  The problem is that she is only 16, and I promise that if you met her, you would think she was 12--she is very immature for her age, and does not seem like a typical 16 year old.  Would it be ok for me to make her a Junior Bridesmaid? I don't really know the difference, but I just feel like that might be a better fit for her than a regular BM, and then she wouldn't have to buy the same dress if she didn't want to. Then there is my cousin, who made me a BM at her wedding last week.  The day she found out I was engaged she asked when we were picking out BM dresses.  After the way she's treated me the last few years I had no intention of picking her, but now I'm not sure. I have several other cousins I could choose, but my mom thinks if I pick any other than her it will piss her off and "cause problems".  I'm still on the fence about her in general. Then finally, there is FSIL.  We used to be best friends in college and she introduced FI an I, and she's treated me like sh*t since the day we started dating.  She is his only sibling, and a few weeks ago, FMIL pulled FI asside and said "FSIL is gonna be in the wedding isn't she?" I was not at their house that day, and neither was FSIL, so I don't know if she was involved and no one has mentioned it to me, except FI.  She has done nothing but ruin my life since we started dating, and I don't feel its fair to expect me to ask her to support our marriage.  FI is also not a big fan of his sister because of the way she's acted towards us.  This includes tell their whole family that I was an alcoholic in college and slept around and stole from work, among other things that were also not true. FI thinks we should maybe find something else we could have her do, but I don't know what else there is.  He joked about making her an usher.  And if I make her a personal attendant, she would b*tch, moan and cry to her mommy that I was being mean.  Oh and she's exactly two days older than me--we turned 24 2 weeks ago, so she should be mature enough to not act like this, but she's not.I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel like I need to make some decision soon so I can get moving on dresses.

bablingbrooke

Ask in September. You don't need to "get moving on dresses" until October. mbc has the "awesome/terrible" test: Who would you call if something awesome or terrible happened? The first people on that list should be your BMs. I also think that if it will keep the peace, ask family (sisters or FSIL). Yes, they may be a pain, but you won't regret asking. I know, I asked my sister who was a terrible MOH but I don't regret asking her in the least.

mbcdefg

I would wait until you get a ceremony and reception venue settled. THen you'll have a definite date set, plus an idea of how big a wedding you want and how formal it will be. It'd be silly to pick 8 bridesmaids and then decide you want a low-key wedding with 50 guests, know what I mean? Wait until you get the important details hammered out. You can always get dresses in a hurry if need be - you can get lovely BM dresses at department stores, J. Crew, Ann Taylor, regular clothing shops, David's Bridal, even eBay or Marshall's. So you don't need to hurry and pick now just to get dresses. Junior Bridesmaid is the exact same thing as a Bridesmaid, so making your sister a "junior BM" accomplishes nothing. She should be getting an age-appropriate dress regardless of her title or position, and I assume that your mother would help her with dress expenses. All a BM has to do is wear the dress, walk up/down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony and pose for photos. If she can handle all that, then she's fulfilled the requirements of a bridesmaid. If she chooses to get involved in a shower (should your BMs decide to throw you one), she and your mom can coordinate with the other BMs on that. If you're having a bachelorette party event that's appropriate for her to attend (again, should the BMs decide to throw you one), they can talk to her about that. You are not required to make someone your BM just because you were hers. If you don't want your cousin, don't ask her. Simple as that. She'll get over it. Ditto for FSIL ... it's not your problem if your FMIL wants her in the wedding. If you don't want her, don't ask her. If FI wants her, then she can stand on his side in a black dress and be HIS attendant. If neither of you want her, then don't ask her. FMIL will get over it. It's not her wedding. Usher would be fine, reader would be fine. Personal Attendant is a crap job, because it's assigning work to people who should be enjoying themselves as guests. Only assign work to paid vendors.

mbcdefg

mbc has the "awesome/terrible" test: Who would you call if something awesome or terrible happened? The first people on that list should be your BMs. Good advice, but that wasn't me :P

bablingbrooke

Really? Sounds like something you'd say.

qwerty777

Thanks for all the responses! On the one hand it seems like I have plenty of time to decide, but on the other I feel like I'm not making any progress on anything, and come December I still won't have a WP! My mom thinks I should pick them all just to "keep the peace", but I don't think that's really fair to me.  While I may do that with my cousin (we've lived a block apart our whole lives, and always hung out, even though we went to separate high schools) it angers me that I might be expected to have his sister--I honestly want nothing to do with her after the way she treated me. I also have another sister that I most likely will pick, and a friend or two, so I'm looking at 5 or so BMs (guest list around 200). And as far as my other sister, I don't think she'd care either way, she just wants to be in it.  My mom did throw out the idea of making her the personal attendant, not to make her do crap work, but so that she would feel involved.  She would get to come do her hair and nails with us, hang out with us the day of while we're getting ready, but wouldn't have to walk down the aisle (she's incredibly shy, she might chicken out if she had to walk down the aisle). 

qwerty777

Oh and as far as FI picking his sister to be on his side---that would never happen. He probably wouldn't want to, not to mention he has several guy friends he would choose, his mom would probably lecture him until he caved and agreed to put her on my side without even asking me first.  He caves into his parents really easily, especially if I'm not there.

bablingbrooke

We live together now, and he rarely goes over there, he's not all that close with his parents anymore. So let me get this straight: If you're there he doesn't listen to his parents, and now that you live together he doesn't go over there? It sounds like there are some control issues going on here. Just based on what you wrote.

mbcdefg

Then you need to talk to him about it. You standing firm and refusing to have his sister as a BM will do you no good if he goes out to lunch with his mother, then returns home to you and says, "Mom guilted me into making Sis a bridesmaid, so she's your problem now."You need to agree to either refuse to let FSIL in the wedding party at all, suck it up and make her your bridesmaid, or make her a groom's attendant and let your FI deal with her. You need to be CRYSTAL clear that you're both on the same page with this. Because if FI tells you one thing at home, then lets his mother guilt him into something else and winds up ignoring his future wife's wishes ... then that's not a good sign for your marriage and it sets a dangerous bar for the future. I realize that him agreeing to let his sister be a BM is not the end of the world, but him going against what he and his FI agreed to is much more serious, and it may not stop with the wedding.  

qwerty777

I don't have control issues---he has no reason to go over there.  He does IT work, and they call him once in awhile to go over and fix their computers, so he does.  We go over for dinner once in awhile, but we just don't really have a reason to go over there.  They aren't the type of family to go over and just sit there for a few hours for no reason.  He was only expected to live at home until he graduated college, and his parents paid for it.  He graduated, and we were able to move in together. He hated living at home, but couldn't afford college. I also feel like if we talked about it and I said " Here is my list of BM's, thats it, no one else" and she wasn't on it, he would tell his parents that she wasn't one, and the list is final and thats it.  Since no one has mentioned it to me (except him, obviously) I just kind of wonder if I should ignore it and pretend I don't know they said anything, and pick the girls I really want, or if I should bring it up to them (or wait for them to do so) and see why exactly they think she should be standing next to me.

mbcdefg

It doesn't really matter that FMIL said that your FSIL wants to be a bridesmaid. That doesn't necessarily represent how FSIL feels about the situation. FMIL might just be crying and moaning that it won't look right not to include FSIL because of her own feelings, not FSIL's. My advice - just go ahead and pick who you want. If FMIL complains, you could always say, "She never approached me herself and said she wanted to be a BM. We've never gotten along and she's frankly been quite rude to me, so I wouldn't have thought she'd want to be a BM."And if FSIL herself approaches you, then cross that bridge if it comes.

Ready4theParty

Um who's wedding is this?  Yours or your moms?  Take some time and think about who you want in your wedding.  If you don't want your little sister then don't have her.  I do suggest you put her somewhere in the wedding, be it a Junior BM or reader.  But if she's a junior bm please at least have her dress be a little more dressed up than the ones you see at Davids for 4-14 yo.  As far as your cousin goes you don't have to have her in your wedding just because you were in hers.

banana468

I think you and your FI need to figure out who you two want in the wedding and go from there - with the agreement that you'll back each other up once you come to a decision.FWIW, if you do ask a 16 year old to be in the wedding, don't 'junior' anything about the role.  And as PPs said, you don't need to get moving on dresses until October. 

jennfer626

Not sure if this will help your decision, but this is how I handled my BP. I am definitely my best friend as MOH and FI's best friend is his BM. That being said, I have a number of other close friends (4 others), plus his two sisters as "bridesmaids." FI is not having anyone else. I use the term 'bridesmaid" loosely because we're only having the MOH and BM walk down the aisle before us. Because the sides would be so incredibly uneven (7 to 1!), I discussed it with the rest about if they wouldn't mind wearing a dress in blue (the wedding color) but not standing up front and they were all totally cool with it. I definitely want photos with all of them, so that's where the blue dresses come in. But since it's a different, I told them they could pick out their own from wherever they want it. I also understand the feeling on not wanting to ask someone you haven't been too close with lately. I didn't want to ask one of my close friends because she goes MIA whenever she's off at college. The only time I'll hear from her is when she's coming closer to home and wants to hang out. So when she asked me who my bms were, I told her and she was so hurt, I felt like crap. A few months later, I ended up asking her and all is well now. My advice, just consider it long and hard before you think about excluding someone. It might be more painful for everyone to make your point than it would be just to include them.