Poll - I've been thinking abou this for a few days.

banana468

We have had a few threads here in the last few days regarding drastic changes in a BMs appearance just before the wedding of their friend the bride.  They've ranged from changes that alter the physical body in a permanent way (such as breast implants or tattoos) to changes that are somewhat permanent (hair styles).There is also the understood rule that all a BM has to do is buy a dress and show up as her minimum requirements of being a BM/MOH or groom's attendant.My question is, is there a point where a BM is out of line for following that rule to the letter and not the spirit of it?

banana468

I'll go.  :-)While I think a bride should never mandate anything to a BM, I think if the BM does something to make a drastic alteration to her body just before the wedding, she can at least be looking to cross a line.If she buys a dress that fits her barely A cup chest and suddenly she opts to get implants that are D cups, IMO that's really pushing it.If she doesn't choose to get her dress altered such that it's not fitting properly, that's not OK.It's not just about doing the minimum, it's about being 'there' and being appropriate for the occasion.  What appropriate means of course can vary based each individual wedding - and the BM should know the logistics well in advance.  My Catholic Church Mass wouldn't have been the place for tons of cleavage or a mohawk.However if we eloped in Vegas or South Beach, cleavage and funk might have been a requirement. 

bablingbrooke

IMO, tattoos can be covered, dresses can be altered, and piercings can be removed.  But a freak change to hair like that is much harder to deal with.I'm all for expressing yourself, but I think your best friend's wedding is not the appropriate forum.  I think you can put aside your need to "be yourself" for the one day your friend has been planning and looking forward to for a long time.  I mean, you're already wearing an outfit she picked out.  I think it's very selfish to insist that such things be accommodated.

melishka716

Well, considering that I have a liberal approach to this, I think they can look however they want, BUT it needs to be appropriate for the venue, etc. If they had an inappropriate tat, I would def get it covered for my wedding. It's in a Methodist church, and I don't think something like a naked women, or something, should be seen. As for other things, I feel that they are responsible for their attire fitting correctly. It's not my problem if they attend as a guest because their dress isn't fitted properly.

ffmaid

I think it has a bit to do with the BM as a person . If it is the type of person to have wacky hairstyles then well it is to be expected that come wedding she will have a wacky hairstyle. A tattoo pre asking to be in teh wedding shoudl be expected . A tatoo post asking the bm should cover up or at least offer to. I think that the main job of a WP member is to be a good friend and on an important day in a friends life adding to her stress for minnor reasons is not cool be it a mohawk or whatever. But brides must also be friends to tehir BM and expect them to behave in keeping with how over time they have behaved when simply friends not bm.

duckie1905

I was kicked out of a WP last week because the bride found out I chopped all my hair off.No weird color, very nice professionally done cut, just waaaay shorter than it used to be (11 inches, gone)!Anyway, she told me that because I decided to do this that I could no longer be in her wedding because she expected us all to have long hair for updos.  I used a four-letter word (a few of them) and she hung up.I am still waiting to find out if I have to eat the $125 for the dress.  I am assuming yes, in which case, I'll set fire to it on her front lawn.

jeannigirl

Yea that is a hard one to have to deal with. Everyone has their own view on it. Personally I think that if you are in someones WP and you are thinking of alterating your appearance in anyway you should at least have the common courtesty either to wait until after the wedding or talk to the Bride.If you know that they have tats or piercing I would not ask them to remove them or cover up. This is something that I should have considered if I wanted that to be noticeable I would not ask them to be part of my wedding.Duckie: Thats not a friend, that is so rude of her to do that to you. Yea I would  burn the dress on her front lawn. What a biotch!

trix1223

Duckie, don't burn the dress. I'd be all over wearing it to the wedding and being sure to get there early so that everyone can see it. I realize that you probably don't even want to attend this chick's ceremony, but it would be entertaining.

cengle

I'm completely with StageManager on this one.  One of my bridesmaids has a tattoo on her shoulder; we still picked out strapless dresses.  Not a big deal.  But getting a hot pink mohawk right before the wedding?  yeah, that's pushing it.  It's one thing to allow your bridesmaids to express themselves; they can do their hair/makeup however they want, wear the jewelry they want, whatever.  But something that drastic--I think it's selfish and they want attention, pure and simple.Duckie: What a biatch!  i agree with PP-wear your dress if you still go to the ceremony...and dye your hair a crazy color!

BeachsideBettina

I think the pink mohawk was a little over the top but I think everything else is fine quite honestly.  If a bridesmaid got plastic surgery my only expectation would be that her dress still fit her.  Of course, I probably have a more tolerant view on this since when I was a bridesmaid I was told I couldn't get a haircut (other than split end trims) for 6 months leading up to the wedding.

duckie1905

Duckie, don't burn the dress. I'd be all over wearing it to the wedding and being sure to get there early so that everyone can see it. I realize that you probably don't even want to attend this chick's ceremony, but it would be entertaining. That was actually my first plan but she informed me that when I cut my hair not only am I no longer a BM but I'm also no longer a guest either.Good Riddance, she's a psycho.

raquelita1642

I haven't posted on this board much before, but I have done a little lurking to see what potential issues there are out there and what kind of advice is given.  As banana pointed out, the common theme on this board is a bridezilla wanting to fire her MOH or BM for not helping her with all her DIY projects or bending over backwards for her wedding.  The common wisdom is all a BM has to do is buy the dress and smile in the pictures.  If that's the case, I don't understand why the advice would be different regarding tats, hairstyles, etc.  If the mantra is that no one cares as much about your wedding as you do, why should your BMs have to check in with you in order to make sure that their hairstyle is ok for their wedding day?  They can still wear the dress and smile in the pictures.  Duckie, I ditto Retread about wearing the dress.

raquelita1642

Oops, I didn't see your last post Duckie.  She sucks!  Sorry!

bablingbrooke

Duckie was she always that unstable or did she just snap once she got engaged? That's insane.

banana468

Whoa duckie what an evil woman!!I love hearing all of this btw.Personally I think running things by the bride all depends on the situation.  If the wedding is in a traditional house of worship,  you need to be prepared for some things to possibly be frowned upon.  Or, at the very least if you opt to do something like get DD implants when you were a barely A when the dress was ordered for a snug fit, the bride gets to tell you that the church may require a covering for all the ladies if they're in low cut/strapless dresses.

raquelita1642

Banana, I completely agree with you about meeting the codes of a house of worship.  But a bride that wants her MOH to cover a tattoo for her backyard garden wedding, come on!  If brides aren't supposed to mandate professional make-up or hair, I don't think they should mandate tattoo cover up or hair color either.

bablingbrooke

raquelita, there's a big difference between the bride who asks a friend to cover up a tattoo that already existed when she asked and the situations that are being referred to here, where the MOH goes from a "normal" hairstyle to a pink fuscia mohawk a month before the wedding, or undergoes some other drastic change. It begs the question of what that "friend" is thinking to be such an AW and do something that she KNOWS the bride will be upset about. If I'm in a friend's wedding, I don't make any drastic changes. Cutting your hair short is one thing; getting a pink mohawk is quite another, especially if the girl specifically said she'd wait until after the wedding.

banana468

And I personally think there's a huge difference between a friend who just doesn't understand that her actions may have social implications (a flighty ditsy friend if you will) and a friend who is manipulative and who wants to be the center of attention who deliberately does things that are 'OK' but inappropriate. 

raquelita1642

I'm mostly playing devil's advocate here.  I personally don't have a problem with tattoos or pink mohawks.  Most people who make these kinds of drastic changes, are the kind of people who do make them for attention, yes.  That doesn't necessarily mean that they specifically want to take attention away from you on your wedding day, just that they like getting attention or its part of their style.  But if you're a good enough friend with this kind of person for her to be standing next to you, wouldn't you expect it/not be surprised by such a thing?  I can understand being upset about it, especially in the pink mohawk case where the bride and her MOH had discussed the hair issue previously, but I still don't think bride's should *mandate* changes, and at the very least, if they are going to, they should pay for the alterations.

banana468

I also agree with that.  :-)

raquelita1642

brides not bride's.  It's been a long week.

Leah&Christian09

I guess I just don't see these things as that big of a deal.  True, all my girls had natural hair colors, but two of them have had pink, blue, green, or purple hair in the past.  I wouldn't have really been all that shocked or bothered if they did something different.  It reflects on them, not me.  Most of them had visible tattoos, so unless it was inappropriate for the church, another tattoo or piercing wouldn't have bothered me.  If someone decides to get plastic surgery, I'm going to assume that is probably a much bigger deal to her than my wedding, so whatever, as long as she takes care of making sure the dress fits.My SIL has a habit of bleaching her hair until it gets the consistency of straw.  In the same way, her fug hair reflects on her.  If she died it pink and got a mohawk, I think that would reflect on her, not me.  But then, most of my family would think it was cool, not weird, so maybe that's why I wouldn't care.  (Some would talk about her, but those are the people that I really don't care what they think.)But yes, I would have been annoyed if one of them had the dress altered to include a ridiculously plunging neckline or something.I could see how doing something like getting a pink mohawk when the girl knows that it would bother the bride could be seen as being a bad friend for putting extra stress on your friend, but I don't think it makes her a bad BM.

raquelita1642

Just one final thought on this.  Brooke, you posted that you had a nightmare MOH and that it didn't matter -- your day was still perfect.  Your day can still be perfect with a BM who has a pink mohawk or ginormous boobs.  Right?  I'm not saying that brides don't have a right to be POed or to ask their wedding party to conform to standards of the house of worship that their ceremony is performed in.  I'm simply saying that if we put up with all sorts of childish and unhelpful behavior and bite our tongues, then there's no reason that we should get more upset about the change in appearance.  Changes in behavior, like that of the biatch that duckie is dealing with, are much worse, IMO.

bablingbrooke

You make a great point. I do think it won't matter in the great scheme of things. But just as my sister gave me more than a few headaches prior to the wedding, I'd also be miffed if one of my BMs did something she specifically said she wasn't going to do. I'd feel lied to by a good friend. But my advice to OP in that post was that you can be privately irritated but you shouldn't say anything and, really, what could you do about it anyway? Same to the woman who asked about the boob job. And I know I've said the same thing in numerous tattoo posts. I'm more focused on the fact that a friend would do something that seems to almost be intentionally hurtful to another friend. I mean, they discussed this and she made it clear that it was important to her--setting aside the discussion on whether that was appropriate, I think we all can agree it was wrong for the BM to go back on a promise to her friend. The wedding, for me, is a separate issue. In my opinion, the only way one single person's activity can actually ruin your wedding is if that single person is your FI and the activity is him not showing up.

veronabrit

I don't have any friends who have funky hair or crazy tattoos, so luckily I didn't have to deal with this.The thing is, if you have a friend who has had funky hair or keeps getting tattoos- when you ask her to be in your wedding, it doesn't mean that suddenly she is going to change who she is.  I am sure that when the BM with the hot pink mowhawk sees herself in the wedding pics with the rest of the bridal party, she might come to understand why it wasn't such a great idea.

veronabrit

also- I think that a boob job is a really weird and non-relevant example. I have my boobs done...they don't make me look like a different person, I just fill out clothes better. I don't see how unless a BM got massive porn star implants, how it would affect her apperance to the point where people would notice. A boob job can be hidden pretty well in the right dress. I wear a D cup and in some clothes, I hardly look like I have boobs!

banana468

Verona, fwiw, the poll doesn't have to do with the enhancement in general.  It's referring to when a BM may decide to get a breast enhancement one month before the wedding, after the BM dress was purchased to be a snug fit on her THEN small chest meaning that the dress may not fit once it arrives as it was designed to fit her body at the time and not her body post-enhancement.In the same way, the hair and tattoos are things a BM would be doing prior to the wedding but after being asked - just in case there's any confusion.