How close to the wedding should you let people know that they're in your WP?

ivelissed

No one on my WP know anything yet, how close to the wedding should I let them know?Also, I've always told my sister she'll be my MOH when I get married, but I'm not so sure anymore... ugh!

banana468

Please don't 'let' someone know that they're in the WP.  ASK them to be in the WP.  Even though all a BM technically has to do is buy a dress and be there for the big day, most BMs want to do more and even the minimum can be a huge financial strain in this economy.That said, I'd ask BMs when you're 6-9 months from the wedding date.  Ask who you want to be there for you based on your love for the person.

bablingbrooke

You don't "let people know they're in the WP", you ASK them. It's an invitation, not a subpoena. Less than a year is a good rule of thumb; any sooner than that is your call based on how early you need to order dresses, whether they would need to take vacation or make travel arrangements, etc. I asked mine between 10-12 months (asked some earlier than others). So for you I'd say between January - April 2010 is a good time to ask them. Your sister doesn't have dibs on MOH just because you told her when you were 12. There's definitely a statute of limitations on that. HOWEVER, if it will cause grief and a family rift, I strongly recommend you ask her anyway. My sister was my MOH, she was awful, and the wedding was still perfect despite her acting like the world's biggest brat. I can tell you that it really doesn't matter and being the bigger person is never something you'll regret. But since you have quite awhile until your wedding, I'd definitely wait.

mbcdefg

You still have a LLLOOONNNNGGG time. I would wait until at least February or March 2010 to ask (ASK, not TELL) people to be in the wedding. Don't use a childhood promise as an excuse for asking a BM or MOH that you don't necessarily want. Ask people you're close to now, not people you *were* close to and are not close to now.

ivelissed

Thank you guys.  You're right, the proper choice of words would be ask.  I'm thinking of asking them this Christmas vacation, mostly because we all live in different parts of the country (RI, CA, WI, PR) and we get together when we go visit the family in Christmas (PR).  We're still very close even when we see each other once or twice a year.  I'm also thinking about asking them if they have a dress that they already own that we all agree could be used at the wedding, even if they're different styles/colors.  I want them to look fabulous, feel comfortable and don't have to spend a lot of money.My sister, I love her a lot, but the last couple of months she's been kind of distant (I talked to her about it and she says she's fine).  When she heard I was engaged, she kind of gave me an attitude, saying that as the MOH (I haven't asked her yet, she just assumed) she'll have to do everything since all the other BMs don't live in PR, which I don't mean her to, I'll hire a planner precisely because I don't live on the island.  Still, I love her a lot and I think she might get hurt if I don't ask her to be my MOH.  I'll see how things go.Thanks a lot.

clevengers52210

I went through something similar, yet opposite with the MOH position. My best friend and I always told each other that we wanted each to be MOH. She got married 4 days after I got engaged and I was her MOH. But I've been closer to my sister in recent years, so I really wanted her to be MOH. I solved this by only having the two of them as my honor attendants and having no bridesmaids. They both live out of town anyway, so neither one of them is going to be doing much more than the other.My wedding is about 9 months away and I asked my MOHs 2 months ago. I think that as soon as you decide who you would like to ask to be in the wedding, you should ask them, in case there is a conflict.

mbcdefg

Some friendly advice ... if you ask them all in person, do it invidually and privately with each of them. If you ask in a group, they may feel pressured into saying yes, even if they don't want to do it, have money concerns or just have more questions. As far as your sis not being enthuasiastic about possibly being MOH, maybe just explain to her that you expect nothing more than for her to stand up with you in the wedding and that you're not looking to put her to work. Make it clear to ALL the girls that any help, while appreciated, is strictly voluntary.

trix1223

ditto mbc's last post. DON'T ask them in a group setting....it could possibly put someone in an awkward position. Perhaps they have to regretfully decline, but don't want to put a damper on all the other squealing ladies. As for your sister, let her know that she doesn't really "have" to do anything but get the dress, walk down the aisle, stand respectfully during the ceremony, and smile for the photos.

ivelissed

Thanks for you advice.  I know 2011 sounds like so far away, but its January 2011 and I'm actually going to be in Puerto Rico only twice before the wedding so I just want to know what to expect/do before I get there so that I can get the most done in less time.

bablingbrooke

Every day women post on this board asking how to kick out/fire/ask to step down/demote a BM who they've either grown apart from or had a falling out with in the year-plus since asking her to be a BM, often with many months to go until the wedding. Not a situation anyone wants to be in. The situation is preventable in many cases by waiting to ask your BMs until you are within a year of the wedding. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so. Regarding "what to expect", etc. since you'll only be in PR twice before the wedding, I recommend you have no expectations about the WP, since that sounds like what you were talking about. I live on the east coast and got married on the west coast. I came back only twice before the wedding. I had no expectations and my asking the WP had no impact on any of the planning. If you pick or ask too early based on what you assume or think people will help you with, you may be disappointed and lay the groundwork for wishing you had asked different people. People get "weddinged out" very easily and if you expect them to be in sustained excitement for over a year, you may be very disappointed; again, I say this because such things are posted almost every day on this board.

ivelissed

Oh, no I didn't mean what to expect from them.  Maybe I explained myself wrong.  I meant what to expect from the planning in general.  There is little that I can do right now, and most of what I'll have to do first of all its to meet with vendors, which I can't do unless I'm there.  So, I'm just learning from you guys which are ahead of me.  So that when I get there I know who to talk to and what to do so I can make the most out of my time.  In terms of asking the BMs I agree.  I've noticed a lot of tension on WPs at other weddings and I don't want mine to be that way.  Of course, I don't expect my relationship with my BM to change but I understand that people change for inexplicable reasons.  I just wanted to get your advice on how soon is too soon and how late its too late, since most of my girls will probably have to at least buy a plane ticket to get to my wedding if they choose to be there.Thanks again!

bablingbrooke

My bad!

ivelissed

Its ok, thanks :-)