48 hours and i'm going crazy already - VENT

fchan1

hi ladies - i used to post a lot on the local boards, but took a break cuz we had some other personal matters to attend to. however, FI and i finally made our engagement official and announced it to our friends and family, and while very happy and exciting and fun, i'm already about to start pulling my hair out.

first, long story short, i have a good friend who i'm hoping is just overly excited and wants to help out, which is fine - but she emailed my best friend/maid of honor with a list of parties and events that they would (quote) "eventually need a plan for." she was basically trying to take charge and the girl is NOT even going to be in the wedding...MOH and i grew up together and has been waiting for this day for years...she is super peeved but holding back out of respect for me. there is a back story to the rogue friend, but without getting too deep into it, she and i are good friends and we have a lot of history but she crossed some boundaries that i'm not cool with so i would not want her to stand with me on our wedding day. obviously, i'm not sure that she realizes that since based on our email string earlier in the day and the fact that she literally emailed MOH ten minutes later, i got the impression that she thinks she is in. 

second, i came home after dinner, wanting to talk to mom about how to handle the rogue friend. as soon as i said that my best friend was going to be one of my attendants (rough translation in cambodian - i didn't even SAY she was my MOH) and was upset about the rogue friend, my mom literally spit out her toothpaste, ignored the ACTUAL issue i was having, and yelled "are you crazy!? do you want to be a widow!? how you gonna have that married girl with three kids as one of your bridesmaids?? i'm not going to be a part of it!!" sooooo...this was the first time i had HEARD of this crazy cambodian superstition and i nearly flipped as well. i tried to tell my mom that it wasn't a big deal in american culture, but my mom stormed out of the bathroom and into her bedroom yelling "if you have that girl in your wedding, i'm not going to be there!!!" 

here is the cherry on top...mom has known MOH since she was a baby and coddles MOH and her kids as her own. and then she turns around and says this. NICE!

i then called FI and told him what mom said and he panicked..."omgosh, if you have <insert MOH's name> in the wedding, you're going to be a widow...WHY would you tell me this!?!?!!"  

sorry ladies, i totally do not mean for this to be a "feel sorry for me!" post but i just had to vent because it's 11.30 at night and my friends have all gone to bed, lol...i just need to get this off my chest since i have no other outlet right now!!! thank you for reading! 

mags0607

can I have the CN version?

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_48-hours-im-going-crazy-already-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d61c7302-3dcc-4e5a-b198-0eab4539d78aPost:c1bd369a-5141-4fcc-8a53-a72c9306ce98">48 hours and i'm going crazy already - VENT</a>:
[QUOTE]hi ladies - i used to post a lot on the local boards, but took a break cuz we had some other personal matters to attend to. however, FI and i finally made our engagement official and announced it to our friends and family, and while very happy and exciting and fun, i'm already about to start pulling my hair out. first, long story short, i have a good friend who i'm hoping is just overly excited and wants to help out, which is fine - but she emailed my best friend/maid of honor with a list of parties and events that they would (quote) "eventually need a plan for." she was basically trying to take charge and the girl is NOT even going to be in the wedding...MOH and i grew up together and has been waiting for this day for years...she is super peeved but holding back out of respect for me. there is a back story to the rogue friend, but without getting too deep into it, she and i are good friends and we have a lot of history but she crossed some boundaries that i'm not cool with so i would not want her to stand with me on our wedding day. obviously, i'm not sure that she realizes that since based on our email string earlier in the day and the fact that she literally emailed MOH ten minutes later, i got the impression that she thinks she is in.  second, i came home after dinner, wanting to talk to mom about how to handle the rogue friend. as soon as i said that my best friend was going to be one of my attendants (rough translation in cambodian - i didn't even SAY she was my MOH) and was upset about the rogue friend, my mom literally spit out her toothpaste, ignored the ACTUAL issue i was having, and yelled "are you crazy!? do you want to be a widow!? how you gonna have that married girl with three kids as one of your bridesmaids?? i'm not going to be a part of it!! " sooooo...this was the first time i had HEARD of this crazy cambodian superstition and i nearly flipped as well. i tried to tell my mom that it wasn't a big deal in american culture, but my mom stormed out of the bathroom and into her bedroom yelling "if you have that girl in your wedding, i'm not going to be there!!!"  here is the cherry on top...mom has known MOH since she was a baby and coddles MOH and her kids as her own. and then she turns around and says this. NICE! i then called FI and told him what mom said and he panicked..."omgosh, if you have <insert MOH's name /> in the wedding, you're going to be a widow...WHY would you tell me this!?!?!!"   sorry ladies, i totally do not mean for this to be a "feel sorry for me!" post but i just had to vent because it's 11.30 at night and my friends have all gone to bed, lol...i just need to get this off my chest since i have no other outlet right now!!! thank you for reading! 
Posted by fchan1[/QUOTE]

1. Anyone who would like to can host a party in your honor if she so wishes (I have a feeling her enthusiasm may ebb once she figures out that she is not a bridesmaid). If your MOH would rather not co-host with her, she could always host a different party in your honor (a second shower or bacheloretter, or they could each host one). Right now, though, I think your MOH should just respond to the e-mail by saying something like, "Oh, wow, it is way too early to even think about showers and bachelorette parties yet." and leave it at that. Then when she feels she wants to host any parties (if she indeed wants to and you should stay out of that decision completely) she can start planning one. Bottom line in all of this is that you should stay out of the planning of any parties in your honor COMPLETELY! If you get one or two or none planned by one person or 30, it is not up to you to be the referee or to pick and choose who you want to plan you parties. Graciously accept any offers and go from there.

2. I'm not sure that you would, but just in case you were considering this, please don't specifically TELL your friend that she is not going to be in the wedding. If she asks something about it you can say who ARE bridesmaids, but otherwise she will figure it out eventually.

3. If I were you I would call your Mom's bluff and have your dearest friend as your MOH and if your Mom says anything else just say that you are including all of the people who are closest to you on your wedding day and if she chooses not to be a part of it that is her decision; then, change the subject. She can't keep talking about it if you don't let her.

emilykathleen511

Mags- Here are the CN:

fchan1 has an over-zealous friend who will not be in the wedding party who 48 hours after fchan1 getting engaged is already e-mailing the MOH wanting to plan showers and bachelorette parties. MOH feels like her toes are being stepped on and fchan1 doesn't really want over-zealous friend to plan parties. The friend also thinks that she will be in the wedding party as of yet.

Also, there is some Cambodian superstition that says fchan1 will become a widow if she has her MOH stand up in her wedding (because she is married with three kids or something?). fchan1 didn't know about this superstition until her mother flipped out and said she wouldn't attend the wedding if MOH is standing up.

gottahavashorti

Your friend is jumping the gun a bit there.  Is she even invited to the wedding?  Of course, I'm sure you probably haven't even gotten to starting a guest list yet at this point.  Your MOH can shrug it off.

I guess no one in Cambodia has to debate whether wedding parties are reciprocal, huh?  There are plenty of people who have had Matrons of Honor and I'm sure they weren't all promptly widowed.

emilyinchile

Tell your MOH to change the subject with the other friend, as PPs have said. Make sure on your part that you're not "leading her on" by talking about the wedding all the time. If she asks, let her know who the BMs are, and then move on to a different topic.

As far as your mom goes, can you try talking to her more calmly? Explain that you've grown up with this tradition and aren't about to miss out on having one of your best friends up there with you (or really hurt her feelings/wreck your friendship by telling her now that she can't) because of a superstition you've never even heard of. I'd just let your mom know how you feel and then refuse to get into it in the future. In general, people can't create too much drama for you if you don't engage with them, they end up just talking to themselves.

suz62984

1: Your friend seems a little nuts.  I would casually mention something about going shopping or to a brunch with your bridesmaids.  It will be a way to tell her she isn't one without having to sit her down and hurt her feelings.
2: In my opinion supersitions are stupid but to each his own. Maybe to make your mother happy you have a small traditional ceremony first...without the married MOH and then the american ceremony you want with your MOH.  If this still doesn't please her, or if money doesn't allow this, go ahead with you plans anyways.  Also, talk to your MOH and see how she feels about it.  If I were in her position and I knew your mother was going to boycott the wedding if I were in it I would sit on the side lines. 
Either way...It's your day- Don't let anyone spoil this for you!