MOHs who don't want to give a speech

sandradawn23

Hi all,
I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I have 2 MOHs, with the husband of one (Amanda) also being the best man, and their daughter is the flower girl. Amanda is fairly close to perfect, and has no problems with public speaking or talking to people or anything. However, she now doesn't want to give a speech for me, and neither does my other MOH. My FH's 11 yr old daughter is jr BM, and there are no other BMs. I've been ridiculously laid back about everything so far (no shower, no registry, no bachelorette, no asking for help with anything), and I'm a little upset now that neither one can be bothered to say a couple of nice words about me. Wedding is Sept 14, so we're getting pretty close and I need to nail down the day's schedule. All they have to do is show up to the 5-star hotel to get hair and makeup done (that I'm paying for), and then stand up at the ceremony. That is it, no other obligations. Am I expecting too much? I have a hard time asking people to do things if I know they don't want to, so I'm loathe to "put my foot down". Am I being irrational? I don't know what to do.
Thanks,
Sandra

AdeleDazeem

Yeah, you need to let this go.

I've been a MOH twice.  I've never given a speech.  I'm quite comfortable at public speaking (I'm a scientist and present my work often), but I was uncomfortable providing such personal words in a public setting.  My good friend from college and my sister knew I loved them dearly (my tears at their weddings displayed as such).  Demanding that words be said doesn't make it better, it simply cheapens the speech. 

If they don't want to do it, don't make them.  It's not a reflection on you, which I can only assume is why you are so bothered by this.  Public acknowledgements of love and wonderfulness aren't needed from your best friends for you to know that you are deserving and examplary of both.

getaclue44

Traditonally, it is usually just the best man who gives the toast/speech.  I have been an MOH twice and neither time did I give a toast or speech in any way.  I am also not requiring it of my MOH.  If she wants to great, if not no biggie.  Have you asked why they don't want to?  Technically anyone can say a few words if you really want them to--you could always ask another friend to step in.<div>
</div><div> In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-who-dont-want-to-give-a-speech?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:da576dd0-6300-48ba-a59d-4c7c32881912Post:7d8eeb81-d15f-431f-9d23-3932a328339a">MOHs who don't want to give a speech</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I have 2 MOHs, with the husband of one (Amanda) also being the best man, and their daughter is the flower girl. Amanda is fairly close to perfect, and has no problems with public speaking or talking to people or anything. However, she now doesn't want to give a speech for me, and neither does my other MOH. My FH's 11 yr old daughter is jr BM, and there are no other BMs. I've been ridiculously laid back about everything so far (no shower, no registry, no bachelorette, no asking for help with anything), and I'm a little upset now that neither one can be bothered to say a couple of nice words about me. Wedding is Sept 14, so we're getting pretty close and I need to nail down the day's schedule. All they have to do is show up to the 5-star hotel to get hair and makeup done (that I'm paying for), and then stand up at the ceremony. That is it, no other obligations. Am I expecting too much? I have a hard time asking people to do things if I know they don't want to, so I'm loathe to "put my foot down". Am I being irrational? I don't know what to do. :'( Thanks, Sandra
Posted by sandradawn23[/QUOTE]

</div>

littleluckypenny

Never make anyone speak who doesn't want to speak.  Toasts aren't required.  

RWS2011

I agree with PP.

I was in a BP once and was made to give a speech.  It was uncomfortable and I did not feel like it was as authentic or heartfelt as it could have been.

 

Personally, I find the whole "make a speech" part of the reception uncomfortable for those who have to give them, and for those of us fake chuckling at inside jokes, and trying not to to shift too uncomfortably in our seats when one of the BP has already had too much to drink and it shows in their speech.  For these reasons, we are skipping them all together.

That is just my opinion, and I understand that your feelings are hurt.  Remember, OP, this is a day for you and your husband; the most important words said will be between the two of you.  Let your friends and family unite around that!

joklein7

I was the MOH in my sister's wedding. I did not feel comfotable giving a big speech at the wedding so at the rehearsal dinner I gave a short toast just saying how happy I was for both of them and that I loved them. My sister appreciated that. My sister wouldn't have cared either way if I spoke or not. If they are that uncomfrotable, let it go.

ash273uk

I don't know if it's just a regional thing, but where I live it is common practice that the MOH and Best Man give a speech.  I've been the MOH twice and have given speeches both times.  It just kind of comes with the territory of being a MOH.  When you accept the duty of being MOH, that is one of the things you are expected to do.  However, after reading the responses to OP, I realize that this is not the case everywhere. 
I agree with PPs that you shouldn't make someone give a speech in your honor.  I do, however, understand why your feelings are hurt and why you feel frustrated that MOHs are not doing this for you.  Try not to take it personally, even though I'm sure it's hard. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-who-dont-want-to-give-a-speech?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:da576dd0-6300-48ba-a59d-4c7c32881912Post:7d8eeb81-d15f-431f-9d23-3932a328339a">MOHs who don't want to give a speech</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I have 2 MOHs, with the husband of one (Amanda) also being the best man, and their daughter is the flower girl. Amanda is fairly close to perfect, and has no problems with public speaking or talking to people or anything. However, she now doesn't want to give a speech for me, and neither does my other MOH. My FH's 11 yr old daughter is jr BM, and there are no other BMs.<strong> I</strong>'ve been ridiculously laid back about everything so far (no shower, no registry, no bachelorette, no asking for help with anything), and I'm a little upset now that neither one can be bothered to say a couple of nice words about me.<strong> </strong>Wedding is Sept 14, so we're getting pretty close and I need to nail down the day's schedule. <strong>All they have to do is show up to the 5-star hotel to get hair and makeup done (that I'm paying for), and then stand up at the ceremony. That is it, no other obligations.</strong> <strong>Am I expecting too much?</strong> I have a hard time asking people to do things if I know they don't want to, so I'm loathe to "put my foot down". <strong>Am I being irrational</strong>? I don't know what to do. :'( Thanks, Sandra
Posted by sandradawn23[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes.  You can't use what you're doing for them as leverage and then make it sound like they're not being grateful by not giving a speech for you.  Toasts/speeches are not a requirement.  You'll still be married, speech or not so you need to let this go.  If you're not careful, you're going to be bitter and let this affect your relationships.</div>

mbcdefg

There's no way to say to them, "I'm pissed that you're not going to stand up and give a speech saying how great I am," so you just need to let it go. You're going to come across as greedy and egotistical if you confront them about this, or if you mention this to anyone else. So, really, do yourself a favor and move past it.

I really do get why you feel bad, but I also think you feel bad because you're taking this too personally. They probably just don't like public speaking. You're coming at this from a viewpoint of, "They can't be bothered to say nice things about me." If they didn't like you then they wouldn't have agreed to be the Maids of Honor in the first place. Or they would just stand up there and give a really halfassed speech that they copied off the Internet or something, because they wouldn't care about the content of that speech and they'd just be doing it out of obligation or to get you off their backs.

They're good enough friends with you that they feel comfortable telling you that they'd rather not give the speech. I mean, how many posts do we see here saying stuff like, "I can't afford the dress/I don't want to give a speech/I need to miss the rehearsal because of work, but I'm scared to tell the bride because she'll be mad at me and stop being my friend"? If they weren't your good friends then they'd never mention the public speaking thing but they'd be freaking out on the inside about it. Try to take comfort in knowing that they trust you enough to tell you this.

Maggie0829

You need to let this go.  Speeches are not a requirement so if they are not comfortable speaking in front of a large crowd then they certainly do not have to give a speech.

As far as toasts go, as many weddings as I have been too I barely remember hearing any toast or speech.  I am sure there were some but I don't remember them.  For my wedding neither the MOH nor the BM nor any parents stood up to say anything.  No one missed it or cared that there weren't any speeches.

Also, you sound kind of self absorb by being so upset that someone isn't going to stand up at your wedding to talk about how wonderful you are.

UberBiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-who-dont-want-to-give-a-speech?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:da576dd0-6300-48ba-a59d-4c7c32881912Post:8a0ecaca-2f20-4f29-9b32-78c67698bc08">Re: MOHs who don't want to give a speech</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know if it's just a regional thing, but where I live it is common practice that the MOH and Best Man give a speech.  I've been the MOH twice and have given speeches both times.  It just kind of comes with the territory of being a MOH.  When you accept the duty of being MOH, that is one of the things you are expected to do.  However, after reading the responses to OP, I realize that this is not the case everywhere.  I agree with PPs that you shouldn't make someone give a speech in your honor.  I do, however, understand why your feelings are hurt and why you feel frustrated that MOHs are not doing this for you.  Try not to take it personally, even though I'm sure it's hard. 
Posted by ash273uk[/QUOTE]
^ This. I was my best friend's MOH and never thought that I could refuse to make a speech! It was just something that I assumed was expected of me, so I did it, even though I'm a super shy introvert and am never comfortable being in front of a large group of people, and she had a lot of guests!
If she declines the speech making, you can't force her to.

aerinpegadrak

Public speaking is a more common phobia than death.  There are people who would prefer to be in the box than to give the eulogy.  Do not, under any circumstances, force her to do this.  That's not being a good friend.

rlavach

Neither my MOH, BM or either parents gave a speech. I didn't ask anyone & no one volunteered. The wedding was still amazing.

Summer2011Bride

Around here it is pretty common for the Best man and MOH to give toasts; however, I have still been to weddings where that was not the case and would absolutely never make somoene give a toast. My MOH offered to; if she hadn't, then I wouldn't have had her give one.

Beyond that, really anyone can give a toast who wants to (within reason; I'm not saying make it open mic night or anything). So if a close family friend or relative OFFERS to give a toast to you, and you would like that, then go ahead and accept. But overall toasts are in no way required.

LindseyL17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-who-dont-want-to-give-a-speech?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:da576dd0-6300-48ba-a59d-4c7c32881912Post:0dd0d427-691f-40c5-b28f-6fe856ce01cc">Re: MOHs who don't want to give a speech</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Neither my MOH, BM or either parents gave a speech. I didn't ask anyone & no one volunteered. The wedding was still amazing.</strong>
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This!! At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. I honestly find the speeches too personal and awkward. When I was a MOH, I wrote a letter to the bride and groom, saying all the things I would have in a speech. It was a lot more meaningful to us. </div>

pretzelgrrl

I think you are worried about the speech being only about the groom but typically the speech is about the groom and you....meaning how you being in his life has changed him or his life.   And they can sometimes talk about you as a couple.  If the best man has already agreed to give a speech/toast maybe your fiance can subtlely mention to him there is no MOH speech so to not make it all about th groom.

Osterizer

My MOH didn't give a speech either.  Was I disappointed? Yeah, for about a second and then I moved on.  I was not about to make my BFF do something she didn't feel comfortable with.  Honestly, if I were ever an MOH, I wouldn't want to give one either.

I'm sure the best man will  give you a shout out. 

Miss_2010

I was told before 1 week before a wedding (that I was MOH in) I had to give a speech because the best man was.  Before that I was guaranteed I would not have to give a speech.  I was mortified and pissed.  Speech went fine obviously, I am still alive and so is the bride.  I have every intention of repaying that lovely favour when my day comes only I may cut the notice in half, lol. 

SachaBee

The very first thing my baby sister said to me after I told her I was getting married was, "please don't make me speak at the wedding." Thankfully, my sister-in-law is actually officiating, so she really has no choice but to speak  
OP, I understand why you are upset, but you wouldn't want to make your MOHs uncomfortable. Sometimes people who are used to 'public speaking' have trouble with personal or emotional speeches where they wouldn't when talking about politics or their job, for instance. I agree therefore that you should not force them or put your foot down. But since it seems like you are confused as to their reasons, perhaps you could reopen the discussion. Just ask why they are uncomfortable with speaking and see if you can help them feel better about it. Perhaps they could read a poem or psalm instead of writing a highly personal speech--this could make them feel less "exposed". Or perhaps they could just give a quick toast. Or, as others have suggested, you could ask someone else to speak for you--a family member or the best man.
In sum--you can't force them, but if it is something that is really important to you, it is probably worth at least discussing.

sproutaholic

I agree that you cannot force someone to give a speech. While it would be nice to hear those things about you in front of your guests, you also don't want to run the risk of it sounding superficial. As many other responses have suggested, you can have another friend give a toast, or even one of your parents if they are up for it. Also - don't rule out the opportunity for you to toast your guests, and to thank them all for being a part of your special day. That wya you fill the need for a toast, and everyone goes home feeling appreciated and glad that they supported you on your day!

alycia78

I never reply to posts unless I really feel the need and I do so here. I will be the lone dissenting voice, but that's ok. Although I agree with everyone that you cannot/should not 'force' someone to give a toast, I find the whole situation deeply confusing.
1)I've never heard of a MOH NOT giving a speech, the BM does his friend, the MOH does hers. When you accept the position, you accept the 'agony' of saying a few sentences about your friend and your friendship, her husband, whatever you choose for about 60 seconds. They can be simple, to the point, sweet, etc but they are much appreciated and a nice touch to the evening. If you are the MOH, you should expect to do this not because you are asked but because it is a nice thing to do. I understand that not every MOH does them (esp after having read some of these replies) but here is where I have a problem with the situation. You have had no shower, no bachelorette party, etc which ARE traditional gifts given to the bride even if the MOH speech is not seen as such. They are not doing these things but feel the need/desire to say 60 seconds of a simple, heartfelt thing to you is also a big deal? I'm sorry but I just don't accept this 'some ppl don't like public speaking' excuse. If you are the MOH in a wedding you are close enough to this woman to want to say something nice to and about her in front of her friends and family. I'm also interested in how you learned they would not be doing so. Did they come to you and announce 'I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable giving a toast at the wedding'? Because if so, I completely understand why you feel the way you do and felt the need to write the original post. Obviously you can't force someone and should let it go so you can enjoy yourself at the wedding but I would also be confused and a bit hurt. You have accepted the fact that they set up zero parties, no additional effort or $ put in by them and so I would be a bit peeved that they already are like 'sorry, no speeches either.' Don't let it bother you but it is something I would file away in regards to these people so that you are 1) never surprised by anything they do and 2) open to considering new choices who DO go along with your mindset if another kind of event comes up. Sorry for the dissenting voice- although I agree there's nothing you can do and should try and forget about it, I felt strongly enough to write in and tell you that you aren't alone in feeling a little taken aback. I know I would if I was in your shoes. And all of the friends I just polled about the subject (9 ppl, all from different regions) felt the same.