Pastor's Daughter

lo1984

Here is my issue: My parents have been pastors of a church for over 25 years. My whole family is in ministry (I am the music director). By default, I know a lot of people, and a lot of know me.  Our church is like a family...of 300! On top of that my fiance proposed during one of our services, so every week people are asking "when's the wedding?". At least 5 people have asked to be invited to the wedding. My thing is, DO I HAVE TO INVITE EVERYONE? I really can't afford to have a large wedding but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings keeping in mind that I have to see these people after the wedding. I would prefer a small wedding, but I'm not sure how to do that. As soon as I invite one person and not another, I'm in trouble. Any inexpensive ideas?

rodeo417

No you dont have to invite everyone. Invite everyone to the ceremony at the church but the people you want at the reception.

[Deleted User]

This is a tough call. I think you should not let yourself get pressured into inviting everyone. I had to back away from some of my co-workers who thought it was polite to invite themselves as well to my wedding. I would approach it in a very polite manner and simply state something like, " we really appreciate your love and support for us, but at this time we are still making arrangements with everything". I wouldn't let yourself feel overwhelmed by it at all. In the end, it comes down to what you and your FI want. So dont feel bad that you cant invite everyone. People will just have to understand. If everyone invited EVERYONE that they knew to their wedding, reception halls would have to be built bigger and money would have to fall from the sky. Dont stress, it would all work out.

wheatney22

My parents are also pastors but the church is much smaller. What we're doing is that we're inviting everyone to our traditional Nigerian ceremony the night before. They can come and eat and have fun and party with us.

On the 16th which is our actual wedding day, only a few people from the church are invited. My parents already started spreading the word about the fact that we are "doing something small". So my recommendation would be to perhaps have a pre-wedding celebration OR after wedding celebration. That way, you still get to enjoy your day.

In answer to your question, NO you do not need to invite everyone. I am sure not all of them have invited to you their wedding or their daughter or son's wedding.

lil01

That is a tough one. To answer the question, no you don't have to invite everyone. Do all 300 members of the church invite you to their family events?

Maybe your parents can help to spread the word that it will be a small wedding & limit the guest list to just your actual family that is part of the congregation. If you have a few close friends in the church, you can consider them. Your parents can do something for ya'll at the church so that everyone can attend that.

tyboyd

If you're having your ceremony at the church, maybe they can all come to that and you have a cake and punch reception for all the church folks, then go to your other reception with close family and friends. If not, they'll just have to understand. Tell them you're having a private ceremony with close family and friends. That's what I did.

Carla1019

One option is a destination wedding. Not everyone can afford to take the trip. Some couples choose to have a live broadcast via the internet and everyone can log in and feel part of your big day.

And when you return have something special at the church.

hisSparklett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_pastors-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:40d665fb-306d-4675-b6a4-49dc34a4315aPost:fdd39672-3f14-4b30-9d1e-6cbed7f0eadc">Re: Pastor's Daughter</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're having your ceremony at the church, maybe they can all come to that and <strong>you have a cake and punch reception for all the church folks</strong>, then go to your other reception with close family and friends. If not, they'll just have to understand. Tell them you're having a private ceremony with close family and friends. That's what I did.
Posted by tyboyd[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I was going to say. Even if you don't feel you have the time to do it on your actual wedding day maybe you can do it on the next Sunday or something after church service.

Carla1019

I would disagree with using the words "private ceremony with close family & friends" this is church and don't we call everyone "sister" so & so and "brother' so & so. To some people church members is your family.

I would be honest and tell them that even though you would love to have everyone you just cannot accommodate it. People are not offended when they understand it is a budget issue.

cherryblossom5

I agree with Ty have a cake and punch with your church family! Then have your reception with close friend's and family! no one should be left out!

flasweetheart

I agree with Ty.  I'm getting married at my church which is huge, I have gone to the same church for 29 years. So there are plenty of people who have watched me grow up and I am very active at the church worked for the church for 5 years and still do quite a bit of volunteer work there. We are keeping the reception as invite only because we both have large families and people who have asked we have told them that they are more than welcome to come to the ceremony (the sanctuary seats 1000 people). Everyone who we have told this too is more than understanding about it and have stated they just want to be there to witness the ceremony and they are happy.  Having a cake and stay to mingle for a bit after so they can congratulate you and your new husband and you should be fine.

bcbsbride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_pastors-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:40d665fb-306d-4675-b6a4-49dc34a4315aPost:6f3d7ba8-3f7e-400d-ae20-75199e1015d8">Re: Pastor's Daughter</a>:
[QUOTE]I would disagree with using the words "private ceremony with close family & friends" this is church and don't we call everyone "sister" so & so and "brother' so & so. To some people church members is your family. I would be honest and tell them that even though you would love to have everyone you just cannot accommodate it. People are not offended when they understand it is a budget issue.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

This is what I did and people at my church understood.

EsquireJL

I am in the same situation. I was "born" in the church. My grandparents are, my parents are and I was in ministry but when law school came around I faded into the background. When I graduated from law school my parents had a party and invited the whole church (guest list of about 300) costing them tons of $$$$. SO when I got engaged it was a big deal about whether we were going to invite everyone again. As a family we decided a smaller wedding was best because my dating life has always been very private and I personally believe weddings should be intimate. Now my idea of intimate was 75ppl but because of less just say "church politics" the guest list is now 175! We thought about doing the cake and punch mini reception after the ceremony before the "real reception" but I felt that would get messy, offend people and seemed gift grabby. It depends on your congregation. If they are used to that then they may not be offended by that. I personally have attended weddings at the church where I wasn't invited to the reception and it was not a problem but I think I would side-eye a person who invited me to the b-list church punch reception.  No disrespect to the ladies who think or have done otherwise.

chescam

You do not have to invite everyone. Fiance and I attend the same church. When I told my parents that I wanted a small wedding It did not go over well with them. This is the one area we have not agreed upon. They went on and on about their wedding back in the day and how they extended an open invitation to their church (meaning that everyone was invited). There were people at their wedding that they did not even know. I don't want this to happen to me so fiance and I invited church members that we have known for a while and are really close to. 

I guess in your situation, it really boils down to who's paying for the wedding and your budget. If your budget only allows for 150 stick to that and I think you understand that costs will exponentially increase by inviting more guests. People understand that times are tough these days and would probably prefer helping out in other ways. 

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_pastors-daughter?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:40d665fb-306d-4675-b6a4-49dc34a4315aPost:fdd39672-3f14-4b30-9d1e-6cbed7f0eadc">Re: Pastor's Daughter</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you're having your ceremony at the church, maybe they can all come to that and you have a cake and punch reception for all the church folks, then go to your other reception with close family and friends.</strong> If not, they'll just have to understand. Tell them you're having a private ceremony with close family and friends. That's what I did.
Posted by tyboyd[/QUOTE]

This. I had the same type of dilemma and the church folk offered to have a cake punch reception with hors d'oevers (I declined) for us.