According to etiquette

charrison1230

I have to say that I've learned alot about wedding etiquette from lurking around on the knot.  One etiquette rule that I've never heard of was the role of the bridesmaids.  I've been in a few weddings and I've always thought that I had to help host a bridal shower, bachelorette party and pretty much provide moral support for the bride.  According to etiquette, I've been duped.  The role of a bridesmaid is only to show up sober and buy the dress.  I've never had a bride ask me to do anything.  I haven't ask my wedding party to do anything beside get their dress but I know they plan on giving me a bridal shower etc.  So ladies, how do you feel about this etiquette rule, do you think it's correct or do think tradition dictates otherwise?

Soon2BSand

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_according-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:c9b0a3f4-73a1-4ae3-a21d-340d0c23049fPost:b6364e1e-0459-47b7-9e12-edf27a5138cc">According to etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to say that I've learned alot about wedding etiquette from lurking around on the knot.  One etiquette rule that I've never heard of was the role of the bridesmaids.  I've been in a few weddings and I've always thought that I had to help host a bridal shower, bachelorette party and pretty much provide moral support for the bride.  According to etiquette, I've been duped.  The role of a bridesmaid is only to show up sober and buy the dress.  I've never had a bride ask me to do anything.  I haven't ask my wedding party to do anything beside get their dress but I know they plan on giving me a bridal shower etc.  So ladies, how do you feel about this etiquette rule, do you think it's correct or do think tradition dictates otherwise?
Posted by charrison1230[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm one of those brides/people that thinks etiquette (other than general courtesy rules) is restrictive and a way to make people act ways they wouldn't other wise act.... BUT</div><div>
</div><div>I agree wholeheartedly with this rule. It's nice to host events and help the bride (after all that's what friends do) but people get it twisted when they start thinking it's something someone HAS to do. </div>

djscat

I wushhhhhhh (that would be wish in my Cedric the Entertainer's voice) my bridal party would tell me they ain't throwin me a shower or bachelorette party.  Umm I don't think so.  That is part of what you sign up for when you agree to be a bridesmaid especially a Maid or Matron of Honor.  What I have learned from lurking and hearing these wedding etiquette rules is a lot of them don't apply in the "real world".  You do what works best for you and your FI in most cases. 

wallacje

My BM's didn't really do anything but show up and buy the dress.  But every wedding i've been to and been in has been this way.  My MOH helped with the bachelorette party but it was something she volunteered to do.  If they offer to help that's great but if not I wouldn't throw a fit about them not helping as it's not their job to help you plan your wedding (all aspects of it).  There are a ton of those rules that just irritate me anyways.

sheikscorpio88

Well in my opinion I fell that it is mandaotry for you bridesmaids to show up on time and buy the dress. But I feel the majority of brides choose bridesmaids who are their family or close friends. Saying that, your close friends and family usually want to help with things like throwing bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc., and in some cases maybe they dont. In my case my girls are excited to help and can't wait to plan the bridal shower, etc. I haven't asked any of them to do anything and I dont plan to (except MOH who is my BFF and will come dress shopping with me), but I know that they will volunteer on their own. I will also say dont set your expectations too high because you may become disappointed.

charrison1230

I think it's kinda of an unspoken rule that when you're a bridesmaid you throw the bridal shower.  I've always just figured it into my cost of being in the wedding.  I've never been asked to throw a bridal shower but I always felt like it was expected.

mahoganieyes

I sort of agree. I told my girls that I only expected them to buy dress, get hair done(pro or diy), buy shoes and be on time. They offered a shower but I declined for personal reasons. I think some people take advantage of bm; like expect them to buy a $500 dress and fly to Las Vegas for the bachelorette party. I noticed a friend on FB is a moh or bm in her brother's wedding and the bride told her on FB it was her job to contact people for addresses.

chescam

My girls were responsible for getting their dresses. Everything else was optional. The ladies at my church threw me my shower and only my maid of honor was in attendance. Not a big deal at all. 

2010Bride2be

When you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, you are asking them to show up in the chosen attire and stand by you on your big day. You ask them to be a bridesmaid because they mean a lot to you and want them there to support you on your wedding day as well as have them share it with you in a special way.

Bridal showers, bachelorette parties, dress shopping, putting together favors, etc is optional. "Traditionally", a bridal party does these things. Yes, it's nice if your bridal party offers to do these things for you, however it is not required. Anyone that would get upset about these things or require their bridal party to do them is truly shallow and needs to rethink why they chose these women (or men in some cases) to stand with them on their wedding day. Although they are called 'bridesmaids', they are not your servant, minion, or slave up until your big day. They have lives as well that go on before the wedding and well after the wedding. Brides cannot expect others to put their lives on hold just because they're getting married. The real world doesn't work like that.

**sorry about the rant, but this is a topic that pisses me off. I cannot stand people that feel so 'entitled' that people are required to do these things for them. Yes, its nice, but not required.

Carla1019

I agree with this ^^^^^

I've seen brides on these boards get upset that their MOH lost her job, a loved one, or going through serious problems and can't throw her a shower / B-Party. They say things like "they are my friends and they are supposed to do it". Well are you being a good friend and understanding that the world doesn't revolve around your wedding??

charrison1230

I've seen some crazy posts from brides that are mad that their bridesmaids aren't fulfilling their "duties". I think some people watch bridezillas and take it to heart. Most people choose their closet friends as their bridesmaids and I know I always wanted to help with the bridal shower etc. I never really considered not doing it when I was a bridesmaid but the economy is horrible right now and I really couldn't imagine requiring or even expecting anyone to spend money on me. When I asked my girls to be in the wedding they immediately asked me if I wanted a bridal shower. Now I'm starting to wonder if they feel like they have to do it.

runningbride80

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_according-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:c9b0a3f4-73a1-4ae3-a21d-340d0c23049fPost:cbdb7f81-9f7c-47b2-9326-75459bdcd32d">Re: According to etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]When you ask someone to be a bridemaid, you are asking them to show up in the chosen attire and stand by you on your big day. You ask them to be a bridesmaid because they mean a lot to you and want them there to support you on your wedding day as well as have them share it with you in a special way. Bridal showers, bachelorette parties, dress shopping, putting together favors, etc is optional. "Traditionally", a bridal party does these things. Yes, it's nice if your bridal party offers to do these things for you, however it is not required. Anyone that would get upset about these things or require their bridal party to do them is truly shallow and needs to rethink why they chose these women (or men in some cases) to stand with them on their wedding day. Although they are called 'bridesmaids', they are not your servant, minion, or slave up until your big day. They have lives as well that go on before the wedding and well after the wedding. Brides cannot expect others to put their lives on hold just because they're getting married. The real world doesn't work like that. **sorry about the rant, but this is a topic that pisses me off. I cannot stand people that feel so 'entitled' that people are required to do these things for them. Yes, its nice, but not required.
Posted by 2010Bride2be[/QUOTE]

I <3 this. All I have asked of my girls is to get their dresses and show up. They are doing me the honor of traveling for my wedding to share a special day with me (wedding is in FL, my girls live in MD, WV and VA). As a matter of fact, my MOH is getting married 6 months after I do, so we agreed that we would not plan showers for each other. If someone else wants to host something for me, I am fine with that...but I can't even imagine expecting my girls to drop everything to come here and be put to work.

djscat

Well I guess if you want to call me shallow for wanting a shower then fine.  Of course if my bridesmaid lost her job or it would be a finacial strain I would get with her to plan it out and foot the bill.  Heck I am not talking about a big Soirée or anything fancy.  That is not me anyway.  A pot luck get together is fine with me.  It's not about the money spend or how big of an event they put on.  It's about spending time with your closest and best friends.  About these women showing their support for you at a time when you are getting ready to make the biggest commitment of your life.  At least for me that's what it's about.

The fact of the matter is as a bride you should not have to force your BP to do anything for you.  They should want to do it because they support and love you.  The ladies in my BP are all pretty much sisters to me either by blood or by time and events that have taken place in our lives.  They knew before I even asked them that they would be the ones standing with me as I got married and they knew what the responsibilities were when they agreed.  Regardless of  "etiquette" in my circles it is understood that a shower/bachelorette party is included in the deal.  I think if you know that before going in then you can make the decision if you want to participate before you accept the offer. 

Again I will say etiquette is a guide not the law.  What's right for your and your family may not be right for me and my family.  Now here's the hard part don't pass judgement on those who don't follow after what you believe to be "right". 

2010Bride2be

Right or wrong, I judge the sense of entitlement of some people. Yes, 9 times out of 10, a bachelorette party, shower, etc occurs.  I had a beautiful shower that only 3 of my BM's made it to due to location issues and a bachelorette party that 2BM's made it to, again because of location issues. However, I didn't set the expectation that these events needed to occur nor was I uspet that some of my bridal party couldn't make it. (I hadn't seen 1 BM in 4 years, and didn't see her until she checked into the hotel before the rehearsal dinner) My friends and family held these events out of the kindness of their hearts.

I think the point that many are trying to make is that while these things are nice, they are not required. So to 'expect' BM's to do all of these things for/with you is wrong.

You always see that things are 'regional' on TheKnot in regards to etiquette...and as nutty as it is, this may be one.

Baesmom

I dont expect my girls to do anything but wear the dress that they picked out, show up to the rehersal, show up to the wedding, and drink wine with me the night before the wedding lol

djscat

It's not a sense of entitlement that I have.  It's not like I had to hold a gun to their head and say you better do this or else. If that is what I had to do to get a shower then heck I don't want one from them in the first place.  The shower is something they already knew they were supposed to do.  It's a tradition that has carried on for many many generations.  It goes along with responsibilities of the job of BM or MOH.  I expect to have a shower just as they expected and received one when they got married, had a baby, graduated, ect.  Regional or not its the way we do things and if it works for us why should anyone else care.

2010Bride2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_according-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:c9b0a3f4-73a1-4ae3-a21d-340d0c23049fPost:eabf7253-7fb1-4570-8ea8-dbc5a0f02dcf">Re: According to etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not a sense of entitlement that I have.  It's not like I had to hold a gun to their head and say you better do this or else. If that is what I had to do to get a shower then heck I don't want one from them in the first place.  <strong>The shower is something they already knew they were supposed to do</strong>.  It's a tradition that has carried on for many many generations.  It goes along with responsibilities of the job of BM or MOH.<strong>  I expect to have a shower</strong> just as they expected and received one when they got married, had a baby, graduated, ect.  Regional or not its the way we do things and if it works for us why should anyone else care.
Posted by djscat[/QUOTE]

If this is how you guys do things, that's fine and it's your right to do what you wish. People are just saying that they do not agree.

But to say you don't have a 'sense of entitlement' is not true based on your previous statements. If these 'expectations' are 'the way you do things', then accept it for what it is.

djscat

This is why I don't go on the etiquette board because people what to push thier views/rules on to others.  You live your life and I won't push my values on to you and you do the same.  I could go on and one about why I see it my way but you have your mind set on your way and that's fine. I'm DONE on this subject.  Going to back to happiness on the AAW board.  I'm sure not trying to start the "bitchness" that we see on the etiquette board over here.

2010Bride2be

Lol