Wedding Woes

Let's talk!...Please?

So, my wedding is a ways off. We were originally going to get married in January of 2011, but then decided to push it back to September so my fiance can get out of school. Not a problem, I don't mind waiting.

My parents, however, have not spent much time with my fiance and really don't know that much about him because of it. Becuase of THAT, they don't like him that much..but I know if they got to know him that they would get along swimmingly.

At any rate, my parents seem to be taking this sort of approach of "If we just don't talk about it and ignore it, it will go away." I WANT to talk about my wedding plans, I don't have many friends that are girls or a close sister or anything, so I want to be able to gush with my mom....who is pretending I'm not engaged.

How the heck should I handle this? My grandmother said to just be persistant and maybe if I keep talking about it my mom will open up, but I'm getting sick of every comment getting shot down with a "Weddings are expensive." and that'st he end of the conversation. My mother actually went so far as to ask me if I loved my fiance.... and I'm thinking, wtf? Yes? That's why we're engaged?

Not sure how to handle this one at all, ladies.
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Re: Let's talk!...Please?

  • If you are certain that they will get along great if they just get to know him, it sounds like you need to find a way for your parents and your fiance to spend some more time together.  Trying to put myself in their shoes, I might have a hard time accepting my daughter's engagement if I didn't really know the guy she was marrying.  If you and your FI don't live anywhere near your parents, why don't you plan to spend a long weekend or something with your parents, maybe Memorial Day weekend?  Because your wedding isn't for another 18 months, you should have time for your parents to warm up to him.  If they grow to like him, they should grow to be more excited about the wedding.  I don't think that just talking about the wedding is going to pump them up about it - they need to get to know him.
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  • Why haven't they spent time together? Do you live in different states/cities too far to drive? 

    My parents had met my (now)husband before we were even dating, because I lived close and was always bringing friends around. Unless there's some sort of distance between you, why haven't you brought him around for Sunday dinners, etc? 
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  • have you asked them WHY they don't like him? if your mom is asking if you even love him then obviously she has some kind of reservation about your marriage. you might want to try actually talking to her about this.
  • There's something missing here. "We don't know him" and "We don't like him" are two completely different things, and this sounds like your parents just don't like him. People don't have to spend a ton of time together to form opinions, so if they'd liked what they'd seen so far they'd be a lot more open to getting to know him better.


  • I use the same name elsewhere on the internet... so no bother there, I'm not too hard to find, ha.

    FI and I are currently not living together - though we have for about three years - becuase I moved back to the beach for the summer to work and get money. We haven't come to visit my parents becuase they live on an island that's extraordinarily difficult to travel to at certain times of the year due to ferry reservations, etc, and they do not like having company. They especially don't like overnight company, no matter how convienent it may be or whatever the circumstance. We don't even have other family members come and visit. They just aren't social.

    A part of me thinks it is becuase my fiance is studying art, as you said, but neither of us plan to make our career as artists. He's studying sculpture - which rather than learning fancy ways to paint, his classes focus largely on how to cast objects not just for art but for practical purposes, welding, construction, and other useful tasks. I'm currently working as a freelance webdesigner but my preferred work is in office jobs... we just don' thave that variety at the beach.

    At any rate, since my parents don't like socializing, hate the idea of family gatherings (like a wedding) and my dad just doesn't like many people at ALL... well... it's just a frustrating situation. Yes, they don't lik ehim on principle...becuase he's a person that will show up at their house and be an extra mouth to feed and talk about things they don't care about and so on... but becuase of this they have no idea who he actually is. My mother and I had a bit of an argument the other day in which she made all these sweeping generalizations about his behavior, to which I was like - You rarely let me bring him to visit, how do you know these things? They aren't even remotely true!

    My family has always been a little bit like this, it's just that the wedding thing is taking it to an extreme. We have never talked about family members being in the hospital or dying, when my half-sister got married I didn't find out until I got my own invitation in the mail, anneversaries and birthdays sneak up with polite reminders and cards and minimal gift exchanges. So a wedding? A big wedding where people have to actually see each other and talk and put things out in the open? Terrible concept. Too much interaction. Too much "real."


    (As a side footnote to miss clever DG, I see you were browsing my "million dollar meme" - while we do have loans and cc's to deal with, I assure you it's not a "OMG WE WORKED OURSELVES INTO DEBT!" situation. ^^)
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  • If your parents are hermits/anti-social to the degree that you've described then you may have to go ahead with a wedding without them. Without their emotional or financial support.   It may be that they never like him, they won't be inviting you to see them since they don't like company, they won't be coming to see you. You may have to just move forward with your lives without them as active participants.  If your parents are the hermits you've disgribed them as, I wouldn't think your dad would be willing to show up to walk you down the aisle so your wedding probably won't be typical or the fairy-tale image most of us live with.

    You may also have to either wait even longer so that you can save money for a wedding, see if your FIL will help pay for it or have an extremely simple ceremony.
  • Ugh, yes, this changes things.  Sounds like she doesn't get excited about much of anything.  Keep talking to your mother about it.  Tell her that you are excited about your wedding and that it would be nice if she would share a little of the excitement with you.  Invite them to have dinner with you and your fiance sometime.  If she is just totally closed off to it, you might have to accept that she is not going to get excited about this.  Maybe you could do your "gushing" with your maid of honor or your FI's mother.  Hopefully your future mother-in-law is more excited about this than your parents are.  I live a lot closer to my FMIL than to my parents, so I see her a lot more often and have probably talked about wedding planning with her more than I have with my mom.  She's really excited about it, and it's nice to share it with her.  Maybe this could turn into a bonding experience with your FMIL.  Hope this helps.
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