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Baconsmom, whatchoo doin'?

Are you trying to convonce some woman down there to choose to commit to a guy she's not all that into?
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Re: Baconsmom, whatchoo doin'?

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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I specifically said that if she feels nothing or if he's bad to her, she shouldn't stay.

    But.

    I think people's standards for romantic love are WAY too high. I think people jump in and out of marriages because of feelings, not because of committments and compatibility. I think many, many, MANY people are just overgrown teenagers, leaving perfectly good partners the moment limerance wears off. 

    Marriage is not, IMO, primarily about romantic love. I think it's a misapprehension that leads to a lot of unnecessary pain, and I think that poster in particular has probably been hanging on to a religious fairy-tale version of love and marriage that's doing her a disservice. I think she should examine the relationship and not her feelings when deciding whether to marry. 
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I disagree completely.  I don't see the point of committing to someone who is "perfectly good" when you know damn well you're going to be bored and miss the sparks.  Why live like that?  Where's the fun? 
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    **O-Face****O-Face** member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    My grandmother was telling me something eerily similar yesterday, Baconsmom.

    She was saying "people have the wrong expectations when getting married".  Uh, yeah.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    What do you mean by sparks, Kuus?

    I'm quite happy to "settle" for someone with whom I share the same values and expectations of life, who treats me well, takes his family seriously, and is as committed to staying content and compatible as I am. I don't need life to be a nonstop thrill ride of precarious emotion. 


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    **O-Face****O-Face** member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think she's talking about attraction?  Physical?
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I feel really sad for that woman who said that she and her husband aren't as attracted to each other as they'd been to previous partners, and don't feel as strongly about each other as they did toward previous partners.  How awful to settle for something so lackluster and second-best, and plan to stick with it forever.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I've been more attracted to people who were completely wrong for me and made me miserable. I don't consider that my husband isn't somehow "best" simply because my ladybits have found other people hotter. My ladybits don't pay the mortgage or parent my child, and they can't be the most important part of my decision-making process.

    I guess I just have a different rubric for this stuff. I primarily want my life to be stable and happy. I don't want to fight; I dislike intense disagreement in my home; I like routine and reliability. I want to know that my husband will be there in sickness, for poorer, for worse. Anyone pretty can be here for health, riches, and better, but it takes a conscious choice to remain when things go south, to turn to your spouse above anyone else for comfort and strength. 

    Not feeling "in love" is about the worst reason I can think of for breaking up a marriage. I can guarantee that I will fall out of love with my husband. That's why I picked someone who I knew I could count on, who shared other things with me, so that when I didn't "feel" like hanging around, I could look at the entirety of our comfortable, happy life and stick it out until I fall back in love with him. 
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think people fall in and out of love with each other many times over the course of a long-term relationship, which is why I'm a big fan of letting the relationship run for several years before deciding to get married (I'm not saying wait 10 years like me, but at least 3 or 4), to know if you ever actually will fall back in love with that person again after you inevitably fall out.  As far as the attraction and the intensity of feeling goes, why does it have to be a choice between that and a good companion?  That's a false dichotomy.  Why not pick someone you feel more attraction and intensity toward than ever before, AND who is a compatible and enjoyable companion?  I know I'd be devastated if Mr. Kuus were like, "yeah, I'm not crazy about you like I was about X, and Y was way hotter, but you sure do look good on paper."
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    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_baconsmom-whatchoo-doin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4b989cf2-bd99-4260-9691-60f9d63041daPost:69bc5442-67c4-4928-b9fb-6f4b67d68751">Re: Baconsmom, whatchoo doin'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]What do you mean by sparks, Kuus? I'm quite happy to "settle" for someone with whom <strong>I share the same values and expectations of life</strong>, who treats me well, takes his family seriously, and is as committed to staying content and compatible as I am. I don't need life to be a nonstop thrill ride of precarious emotion. 
    Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]



    But when one person's values and expectations include constant lovey-doveyness and the other's don't, they're not compatible.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Well, no. I'm not saying she should definitely stay with this guy. I'm saying that based on what she posted, it just sounded like cold feet, not like any actual problem, and everyone else was all, "Leave him! You're not in luuuuuuuuuuuurve!" It didn't read like that to me.

    I don't think you should marry someone you're not attracted to. I'm not saying you should marry without any romantic/sexual feelings. I'm just saying they're not at the top of my list of "what I want in a mate for life", and they're not what's going to cement a relationship if sht goes bad. 
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I didn't think it sounded like she was that into him at all, and she didn't seem to actually want to marry him.  But then, I think cold feet are usually your mind's way of telling you that you're settling for something substandard.
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    nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Even if someone looks great on paper and has all of your basic, fundamental views, it doesn't help if you're wishing you were anywhere but with that person.  Especially sexually.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yep, I agree, Nicole.  I've dated guys who were logically great for me, and I was attracted to them, but there was some crucial element missing that made me feel about a billion times lonelier than I was when not dating anyone at all.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Well, then they weren't a good enough partner, were they? 

    I guess I'm just not being clear enough, but I don't know how to say it any better. I don't think physical attraction is unimportant, or that you should feel lonely in a relationship, or that you shouldn't feel anything at all. 

    I just see a lot of people doing this whole, "But I don't love him anymore" divorcing and I think it sounds juvenile and selfish. 
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    They were good friends, and they were physically appealing.  It was just that something that I can't quite describe, that in-love feeling, that was missing. 

    I don't think it's a bad reason to divorce, necessarily.  If it has been so long since you fell out of love that you're pretty sure it's not ever coming back, why stay? 

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    nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I look to the Wonders on this one - they weren't seemingly humptastic newlyweds 24/7, but it was clear that that portion of their relationship was healthy.  When good things happened, they celebrated each other's accomplishments and when push came to shove they went at it hand in hand.  Despite it all, they always had an adoring look in their eyes.  I'm sure even when MIL "dropped in."  ;)  They definitely had something to be cherished.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Well, I'd rather stay with a pleasant companion than be alone and have to date again. Also if there are children involved (which there usually are when I hear this), I think it's better for the kids if parents are together as long as they're pleasant with each other. 
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I didn't think being alone and dating was so bad at all.  I had a great time, in fact.

    And, agreed on the Wonders.  I think the worst thing Ww ever had to say about him is that he didn't trim meat well enough when making a stew.
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    edited December 2011
    This doesn't usually happen, but I agree with BM.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yes, I'm sure it's great when you're a conventionally attractive person. I did not have a good time of it, and I've absolutely no desire to ever have to go through any of it again. I often joke that H saved me from being the crazy cat lady; I'm only half-kidding. 
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    nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Even with a child, I imagine dating can be a welcome change from misery.  I'm sorry, but there's a definite line between "good enough as a whole" and "happy."  And sometimes, they're way too far apart to bridge the gap.
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    edited December 2011
    Oh! Kuus, he also watched his weight too much, and went on random health kicks.
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    nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_baconsmom-whatchoo-doin?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4b989cf2-bd99-4260-9691-60f9d63041daPost:273207b0-8844-4fc1-b811-fd25ccbf76cf">Re: Baconsmom, whatchoo doin'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh! Kuus, he also watched his weight too much, and went on random health kicks.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    <div>Meh.  He sounds nothing worse than Oprah, and how long have we put up with her?  ;)</div>
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Having a bajillion cats sounds fun, too. 

    I don't think it's about how I looked, really.  I think it was more about the excitement of the whole thing, and I'm sure you could get that from whatever guys find you appealing.
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    edited December 2011
    Yes, that's true.

    I'm sure he did things to work on her nerves, but it didn't seem like he did anything major.

    I do recall the time she was studying for finals and he invited friends over. She was none too happy with him then. Ha. Funny story that one was.
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    And from my perspective, there's a huge gap between "good enough" and "miserable". It would take some active dickery from H for me to be miserable. I mean, we're friends - I wouldn't mind living companionably with my friend for the rest of my life. That makes me happy enough. 


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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Oh, I'd die inside if I had to live forever with a friend, without even the hope of ever feeling that in-love feeling again. 
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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I didn't like the excitement at all, Kuus. Not compared to security. And I'm not generally initially attracted to men who are good for me. 

    But whatever. I just wanted to give another viewpoint. Isn't that what these boards are for?! ;)
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    nicoleg1982nicoleg1982 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm on the Kuus team on this one.  Potential love is exponentially greater on my list than potential long-term friendship.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    NO VIEWPOINTS OTHER THAT THAT OF THE KUUS!
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