I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I am a 47-year-old single man. I require that before I get physically involved with anyone she get full STD testing. Can you tell me why 99 percent of women refuse immediately when I broach this subject? It doesn't matter when I bring up this personal choice to them. Also, many people believe that wearing condoms gives 100 percent protection from STD transmission, which is not the case. People also don't seem to realize that oral sex can transmit a herpes type 2 infection. I have not had a relationship in many years, as I have not found any women who are willing to wait for STD tests before sleeping with me. Once I demand it, they walk away. Why?

—I’m Clean

zsazsa-stl

I imagine an info table in his bedroom with stacks of pamphlets and close-up photos of herpes blisters.

mrsconn23

He sounds like a cross between Emma from "Glee" and Sheldon from BBT.

DG1

Um, yeah. If he wants absolute 100% protection from disease or pregnancy or anything else sex-related, he's just going to have to not have sex. He also seems unaware that STD testing is not 100% either - there are false negatives on occasion. HIV has a six month window before it even shows up in STD testing, right?


And I love how he even phrases it as a "demand." I mean, he's free not to have sex with whoever he doesn't want to have sex with, based on whatever criteria, but I can just imagine his tone during this conversation. I'm sure it comes off as more ultimatum than choice.

VarunaTT

I don't see anything wrong with this.  I always asked and assumed I was being told the truth, but I think that was stupid of me, honestly.  I'd rather be safe than sorry as well.  I'd ask him to do the same thing.

ETA: me, not men

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:d01f0215-172f-4c10-9dda-0af08d56f7c8">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see anything wrong with this.  I always asked and assumed I was being told the truth, but I think that was stupid of me, honestly.  I'd rather be safe than sorry as well.  I'd ask him to do the same thing. ETA: me, not men
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

before any sexual contact at all? I can see *asking* before deciding to skip the condom (and declining to continue if they won't do it, of course). I can't see *demanding* before you even get someone's shirt off.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:d01f0215-172f-4c10-9dda-0af08d56f7c8">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see anything wrong with this.  I always asked and assumed I was being told the truth, but I think that was stupid of me, honestly.  I'd rather be safe than sorry as well.  I'd ask him to do the same thing. ETA: me, not men
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

I don't think it's the asking that's a problem, I think it's how the asking is done.

VarunaTT

He just says "requires" and "demands".  I think if you had asked me about me sexual habits in my 20s before DH, I probably would've used the same terminology.  I don't really extrapolate "asshole making demands" from this letter, but that could be just me.

Also, since he said physically involved and brings up oral sex, to me that means more than just some heavy petting, it means bodily fluids that carry serious diseases being exchanged (IOW, not just saliva from kissing and getting a cold).  

Unless he's requiring and demanding on the first date, I don't see the BFD.  

FLANYTATOOGURL

In Response to Re:I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave:I don't see anything wrong with this. nbsp;I always asked and assumed I was being told the truth, but I think that was stupid of me, honestly. nbsp;I'd rather be safe than sorry as well. nbsp;I'd ask him to do the same thing. ETA: me, not menPosted by VarunaTTI don't think it's the asking that's a problem, I think it's how the asking is done. Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

Yeah, he's probably all "If you want me to have sex with you, I NEED you to prove you don't have a rotten vagina!!!" He probably has some kind of disease phobia.

VarunaTT

You know, i think if this had started with, "I'm a 47 year old single woman..." and everything else was exactly the same, you guys would be having a completely different response.  Her "requirements" and "demands" would be fine with you.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:e4e18af1-50f5-4afe-b65a-4fc4ca4d7a24">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, i think if this had started with, "I'm a 47 year old single woman..." and everything else was exactly the same, you guys would be having a completely different response.  Her "requirements" and "demands" would be fine with you.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

I think she'd come off just as uptight. 

I think that there's a way to get the information (or behavior) you want from people without a requirement or demand.

It's a serious issue and I don't blame anyone for wanting to know someone's status before becoming involved with them.   But the tone of the letter comes off at best that he's awkward or fumbling about it or at worst, accusatory or judgemental.  Neither scenario is going to drop any panties for him.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:e4e18af1-50f5-4afe-b65a-4fc4ca4d7a24">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, i think if this had started with, "I'm a 47 year old single woman..." and everything else was exactly the same, you guys would be having a completely different response.  Her "requirements" and "demands" would be fine with you.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you're right, that I'd probably react slightly differently.</div><div>
</div><div>But to some extent this is, to pretend to be psudo-dr-phil, a 'right fight'.  If, repeatedly, his approach has lead to women being like, "pffft.  You suck" then it's time to change his approach.</div><div>Not his standards, but his approach for delivering them.  Because he can be right and single or figure out part of the game and get laid.</div>

DG1

IDK. The comments on Prudie's FB page are in line with what we are saying, too.

I don't think we're saying it shouldn't be a requirement, just that it should be presented more like a conversation than a demand. He explains his very low risk tolerance for such things and ASKS that they BOTH get tested before sharing any fluids. She says OK, great. They go get tested *together* and, hopefully, share their brand spanking new clean bills of health and a few bodily fluids. She says no, he says he's sorry, but he's just not comfortable being intimate with someone with so many risks out there. Bummer, and they both move on.


And frankly, it sounds like he won't even kiss these people without a test. Yes, people can carry HSV1 and HSV2 orally, and they can transmit them orally, too, just from kissing. He says he wants 100% protection, which just doesn't exist unless both partners have lived in bubbles their entire lives.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:12159753-50c1-4eb6-9015-4a45b174641e">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave : I think you're right, that I'd probably react slightly differently. But to some extent this is, to pretend to be psudo-dr-phil, a 'right fight'.  If, repeatedly, his approach has lead to women being like, "pffft.  You suck" then it's time to change his approach. Not his standards, but his approach for delivering them.  <strong>Because he can be right and single or figure out part of the game and get laid.</strong>
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

Bwahaha. Perfect. I was thinking along the lines of, "OK, dude, 99% of the women are freaking the hell out, but you insist the problem is solely theirs. How's that working out for you?"

zsazsa-stl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:4182303e-6a61-4f8f-b2a5-05aedc6c27d8">I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear Prudence, I am a 47-year-old single man. I require that before I get physically involved with anyone she get full STD testing. Can you tell me why 99 percent of women <strong>refuse immediately when I broach this subject</strong>? It doesn't matter when I bring up this personal choice to them. Also, many people believe that wearing condoms gives 100 percent protection from STD transmission, which is not the case. People also don't seem to realize that oral sex can transmit a herpes type 2 infection. I have not had a relationship in many years, as I have not found any women who are willing to wait for STD tests before sleeping with me. <strong>Once I demand it, they walk away.</strong> Why? —I’m Clean
Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

^^See the highlighted parts?^^

My orginal comment was based on those.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with asking for testing.  More people should do it.  But if everyone is walking away from him the moment he mentions it, he has to be doing it wrong.  Lke perhaps he isn't having the discussion on the third date but instead handing out clinic referrals and dating applications to random women in the grocery store.

ReturnOfKuus

I'm with Varuna.  I think this damn well SHOULD be a demand people make and require before having sex with someone, and the fact that people think he's uptight and that he should pussyfoot around this says a helluva lot about why venereal diseases are so rampant.

Wzz

meh. if these are his "demands" then clearly the women he is goin gout on dates are not the ones for him. maybe he just wanted validation for being STD FREE and certified so.

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-sure-hes-a-total-rico-suave?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b13fe2c9-c0a4-4041-81d7-563b565f2d54Post:fd7be0b6-478b-4835-8f35-f5c1fc521ac7">Re: I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I'm sure he's a total Rico Suave : ^^See the highlighted parts?^^ My orginal comment was based on those.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with asking for testing.  More people should do it.  But if everyone is walking away from him the moment he mentions it, <strong>he has to be doing it wrong.</strong>  Lke perhaps he isn't having the discussion on the third date but instead handing out clinic referrals and dating applications to random women in the grocery store.
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

Maybe he's trying to romance hookers.

FTR, I think there's nothing wrong with the testing, but I also feel like there's more going on here.