Can't talk to the parents who do you talk to?

smatthews6

Ok trying very hard not to always rely on my paretns as the go-to ppl when i need to vent so who do i vent to so i don't lose my mind?

here it is 3 wks before the wedding and my fiance decides he wants to "move out" and he won't move back in until we come back from the honeymoon.  Noble? Crazy? Who knows?  Well it sucks becuase I've gotten use to having him around and today when i come home i come to an empty house and its depressing...i miss the companionship already and it's only been a little less than 12hrs since he left.  So so i wont be sad about it i have been indiffernt which really isn't a good thing because at this stage to spare my feelings im almost indifferent to anything and my fiance in general.  When i got home from church today and he wwas gone my heart sunk because i was secretly hoping he was still there and expecting to see his car in the driveway or any evidence inside that he was there but there wasn't any.

then he goes to this birthday celebration for his grandmother that's at least an hour away (out of the way) in one direction mind you, and while there ppl are asking about me.  he tells them i was mad at him and that's the reason i didn't come.  this was a total lie because i had told him  the night before that i wasnt coming because it was too far to drive.  and we are going on back and forth for the past hour (as i type) and he's telling me that telling ppl i was mad at him was a better "reason" (although not true) to tell ppl than that the distance was too far when  if you think about hte following timeline you will understand my reasoning:

3pm celebration scheduled to start

4pm actually would start

6pm will last until about 6pm

7pm-10pm some food/dinner will be involvled and casual eating assumed

10:30ish me leaving by myself to drive 1-1.5hrs to a dark, empty house

then he tried to guilt trip me by saying "well there was ppl there that are going to be driving a long distance to come to our wedding stuff" which may be true but i feel like if i have the right to chose to travel near or far so does everyone else and i would not fault them for it...love to have them there but if they choose not to come i can't be upset about it like they say in hollywood :the show must go on" just like it did tonight without me.

*Barbie*

recap:

*you are FI are getting married in 3 weeks

*he moved out today because you had a fight 

*the fight was because you didn't want to go to his grandmother's birthday party

*grandmother's party was about 1 hour from where you live

*you didn't want to go because an hour is too long to drive

*your FI decided to air your dirty laundry to his family in telling them that you chose not to attend because the two of you had a fight. 

*you are now looking for someone to b!tch to

*Your FI sounds like an idiot, and so do you. (i refuse to use the word "trippin"")

*You can't move out every time that you have a fight. if he's going to do that, why get married?

*You can't air your dirty laundry to your family. (Neither of you) You and your FI need to sort out problems on your own. It's nobody's business if you're having a fight. How hard is it to say, "OP sends her regards, but she couldn't make it today"  (and then change the subject)?

*You are being selfish. This is your FI's grandmother. It was her birthday. It's only an hour. Why couldn't you go to the party? Are you going to make excuses every time he wants to see a family member on a special occasion? They're going to be your family in a few weeks. There's nothing wrong with saying, "i don't mind going, but since we have work in the morning, and it's a long drive, we need to leave by 8:30/9" COMPROMISE.

smatthews6

<div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ffffff;">that was harsh! and you mis-interputed part of the story somewhere. I was never mad in the first place to prompt me not going, and he was considering not going himself aside of what i thought or said. he moved out non-related to the fight at all actually just he felt it would be good to do for this time up until the wedding.  </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ffffff;">the bday party was 1.5 hrs from where i live and yes that is a long way to drive. he thought i was mad at him and put the blame on himself that he things its his fault that i didn't come (which wasn't true)</span><span style="background-color:#ffffff;font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">. </span></div><div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">
</div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">and i don't use nor associate with the word  "b!tch" as you say.  clearly by the intesity in which you responded you CLEARLY read something much differently than what was typed and to go as far as name calling was just uncalled for</div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">and I guess I could continue on to say more to refute your further comments made, but I guess what's the point because I have to remember you're someone out in cyber space taking a snapshot of a situation and instead of CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and or advice you've only offered namecalling, insults, and rude criticisms about two people you don't know. If don't have anything nice to offer to the situation you might as well not offer at all, this post was both the most upsetting and infuriating  waste of time to read. Yep.</div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;"><strong style="background-color:transparent;border:0px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;">
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</div><div style="background-color:#ffffff;border:0px;font-size:12px;margin:0px;outline:0px;padding:0px;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cant-talk-to-the-parents-who-do-you-talk-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c688fe96-5164-4ce7-ac5d-209a1b5b0be7Post:5eec7ef0-fc44-4b83-8cc5-50f432a9df66">Re: Can't talk to the parents who do you talk to?</a>:</div></div>[QUOTE]recap: *you are FI are getting married in 3 weeks *he moved out today because you had a fight  *the fight was because you didn't want to go to his grandmother's birthday party *grandmother's party was about 1 hour from where you live *you didn't want to go because an hour is too long to drive *your FI decided to air your dirty laundry to his family in telling them that you chose not to attend because the two of you had a fight.  *you are now looking for someone to b!tch to *Your FI sounds like an idiot, and so do you. (i refuse to use the word "trippin"") *You can't move out every time that you have a fight. if he's going to do that, why get married? *You can't air your dirty laundry to your family. (Neither of you) You and your FI need to sort out problems on your own. It's nobody's business if you're having a fight. How hard is it to say, "OP sends her regards, but she couldn't make it today"  (and then change the subject)? *You are being selfish. This is your FI's grandmother. It was her birthday. It's only an hour. Why couldn't you go to the party? Are you going to make excuses every time he wants to see a family member on a special occasion? They're going to be your family in a few weeks. There's nothing wrong with saying, "i don't mind going, but since we have work in the morning, and it's a long drive, we need to leave by 8:30/9" COMPROMISE.
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User]

This post has red flags all over! You and your FI had a disagreement so he moved out? Who does that? Than you don't want to go to his grandmother's birthday party so he makes up a lie and badmouths you behind your back. I think you need to have take a good hard look at what your life may possibly be with this guy if this is how he is in a relationship. Are you sure you want to get married right now? Sounds to me like you both need to get into counseling ASAP (for the record there's nothing wrong with this, my FI and I are seeing someone) and make sure you're both on the same page. If he refuses to go to counseling, then you have bigger problems. I think you should postpone the wedding until these issues are resolved because things will just get worse if you ignore them and pretend that everything's alright. It's easier to reschedule a wedding then it is to go through with it and realize what a horrible idea it was. 

EK2013

Here's my understanding of what happened:

OP's FI just moved out, probably to do some kind of "don't see each other before the wedding as much to make the wedding day more special" thing. OP didn't get a say in this gesture and has been missing him a lot.

Then, OP's FI and OP were invited to granny's birthday. When asked, FI tells his family members that he and OP had a fight in order to hide the fact that the real reason OP didn't go was because she wasn't looking forward to a long drive home alone late at night with nothing but an empty house to greet her. This at least is what OP's FI has been telling OP. The fact that the FI just moved out probably added to OP's reluctance to go to the party and drive only to get home late to the empty house.

In my not-so-relevant opinion, gestures like "oh, let's not see each other/sleep together/kiss/whatever for ________ days before the wedding" should be the product of a discussion and mutual understanding (even if both parties aren't gung ho about it, both parties need to at least understand what the other wants and why). 

So, OP, I think that you and your FI need to find a safe space to talk this one out in (preferably somewhere face to face during the day, maybe over something calming like tea). I think this isn't a huge deal, but how you handle it could be (in either a good or bad way).

smatthews6

again, there was no disagreement prior to him "moving out" (he took his game system and a laptop that's not leaving when you've left all your other stuff)...the two instances are unrelated and coincidental because his "old fashion-side" kicked in and he was bothered by "living together", although he's only been here a few days, before being married.<div>
</div><div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cant-talk-to-the-parents-who-do-you-talk-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c688fe96-5164-4ce7-ac5d-209a1b5b0be7Post:a32038a8-0c27-483d-820f-55d161c5718e">Re: Can't talk to the parents who do you talk to?</a>:
[QUOTE]This post has red flags all over! You and your FI had a disagreement so he moved out? Who does that? Than you don't want to go to his grandmother's birthday party so he makes up a lie and badmouths you behind your back. I think you need to have take a good hard look at what your life may possibly be with this guy if this is how he is in a relationship. Are you sure you want to get married right now? Sounds to me like you both need to get into counseling ASAP (for the record there's nothing wrong with this, my FI and I are seeing someone) and make sure you're both on the same page. If he refuses to go to counseling, then you have bigger problems. I think you should postpone the wedding until these issues are resolved because things will just get worse if you ignore them and pretend that everything's alright. It's easier to reschedule a wedding then it is to go through with it and realize what a horrible idea it was. 
Posted by JordanF13[/QUOTE]

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smatthews6

Thank you finally someone who understands the situation...the other 2 posts were a little "sister soldier"  for me followed by an "oh no he didn't".  you've captured exactly how i feel because he decided to do what he did without asking how i felt about it but "matter-of-factly" eventhough i tried to reassure him it was ok and it's been only 1 day and i do miss him, especially after having several days of being able to hang-out with him nonstop. and yes i was going to try to make the extra effort to go although becasue of distance i really thought i shouldn't and it did make me feel like why bother when  iknow he's not going to want to leave a a decent time and indeed i will have to make the long ride home alone. thank you offered great advice and clarity to the situation, i appreciate it greatly.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><div>
<div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cant-talk-to-the-parents-who-do-you-talk-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c688fe96-5164-4ce7-ac5d-209a1b5b0be7Post:7b17a8db-f358-4cce-8632-1885a2486bac">Re: Can't talk to the parents who do you talk to?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's my understanding of what happened: OP's FI just moved out, probably to do some kind of "don't see each other before the wedding as much to make the wedding day more special" thing. OP didn't get a say in this gesture and has been missing him a lot. Then, OP's FI and OP were invited to granny's birthday. When asked, FI tells his family members that he and OP had a fight in order to hide the fact that the real reason OP didn't go was because she wasn't looking forward to a long drive home alone late at night with nothing but an empty house to greet her. This at least is what OP's FI has been telling OP. The fact that the FI just moved out probably added to OP's reluctance to go to the party and drive only to get home late to the empty house. In my not-so-relevant opinion, gestures like "oh, let's not see each other/sleep together/kiss/whatever for ________ days before the wedding" should be the product of a discussion and mutual understanding (even if both parties aren't gung ho about it, both parties need to at least understand what the other wants and why).  So, OP, I think that you and your FI need to find a safe space to talk this one out in (preferably somewhere face to face during the day, maybe over something calming like tea). I think this isn't a huge deal, but how you handle it could be (in either a good or bad way).
Posted by EK2013[/QUOTE]

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cupcakefite22

The first question that popped into my head was, "Why didn't the FI offer to drive you there and back if he knew the situation made you uncomfortable?"  I live alone, but after my FI has been over for a night or two, my house is much creepier without him. I can understand being uncomfortable about the sudden lack of people in the house after you've gotten used to his presence. What bothers me is that he keeps making decisions without you. You're a team. You should discuss situations and agree on things before decisions are made. 

As for venting to your parents, I'm glad that you're trying to pull away from doing that. It can get sticky down the road. What about girlfriends? Sisters? Cousins?