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Just don't know what to do anymore.

I just don't know how to handle this situation, or if I should even care anymore. Just to let you know, this will probably be pretty long. So, first off- BIL was basically DH's male figure because he is about 12 years older than him and they have two different fathers. FIL wasn't a big presence, and DH came to admire everything that his brother did. After BIL's dad died, he changed a lot from what I've heard, even holding a grudge against MIL for divorcing his dad. MIL, after her divorce, became a strong, independent woman with two masters and a high paying, high profile job. BIL hated everything that she stood for (women working out of the home, money, and higher education). Fast forward to last year- MIL passes away, BIL and wife move into the house with me and DH to help us with all of her final stuff. Furniture, appliances are "moved out" and put into his storage, he refuses to let anyone other than immediate family attend the funeral, doesn't show up to the city's memorial for her, etc. We have tried nothing but to be friendly to him and his wife (who is a great person) and their newborn. We invited them over for every holiday, tried to get them over for BBQs, but they are too busy, the baby is too cranky or he has to work. Back before MIL's death, DH asked BIL to be his best man at our church ceremony. We didn't know if he would still do it. After (finally) talking to him about it, he says that he'll be at the church but won't go to the reception because of baby. Ok. So we have him up front next to DH at wedding, and DH's best friend does the toast at reception. BIL, SIL, and baby end up showing up to the reception, so we sit them with the rest of the BP so they feel like they are a part of the special guests. They suddenly leave right before dinner is served because the baby is "cranky" (baby was in their aunt's arms being all giggly and smiley). We were so happy that they came, they seemed happy, and were nice to all of DH's father's side (big plus). Last night we find out that both DH's aunt and cousin tried to tell BIL that they were happy to see him. Aunt even sent him pictures, said she was sorry that the lunch they planned was a missed opportunity, and hopes to see them soon. BIL writes back to both of them that it was a HORRIBLE experience, and he wishes he had never gone to the wedding. He sends pics back to aunt and tells her that there was nothing "missed" about the lunch date. After DH's sister calls him to find out what crawled up his a$s, he said that DH only wanted him there to be in uniform and didn't care if he was there or not, we purposely moved them to the other table to embarrass them, and he can't believe he even went. He also said that the whole family is rude to his wife and she doesn't feel comfortable around us, we have never accepted her, etc. I wanted to cry when SIL called us about it last night! I've never seen DH so hurt in his life (other than MIL passing). We were happy to have them there, and it was a big deal to DH to have his brother stand up with him. I absolutely ADORE his wife, and she was a great person to have around when I first moved here without knowing anyone and I *thought* we had become close during that time. I just don't know if our family's relationship with them is worth it anymore. My side is very close so I just don't understand how a brother can step away from his whole family. DH is questioning whether to call BIL to figure out what is going on, or if he should just finally give up. We've seen the baby twice, and wish we could be a part of his life. His aunt is very distraught by the whole thing and she was in tears about it too. We're just.. ugh.. we don't know what to do anymore. We're hurt. Sorry for the rant, and if you are still reading.. I'll shut up now.
puppies-1

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Re: Just don't know what to do anymore.

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    A.M.FA.M.F member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You're hurt...and RIGHTFULLY so! My goodness. How incredibly hurtful, rude, strange, and unjust of your BIL to do this to you both -- and now to make it a black cloud over the most special day of your lives! All I can say is maybe there is something going on in his life/his wife's life/etc that is unknown which *may* (and this is unlikely) make explain his behavior (however, not making it right in any way whatsoever). My advice to you is to be the bigger people, have your husband call BIL for one more shot at a relationship. If it is refused or received wrong in any way, call it quits. On a brighter note, you and your husband not only have started a beautiful new life together, but you also have the tight-knit-ness of your family to rely on. I'm sorry he has put you through this and you have every reason to be upset. Hang in there, give it one more shot because you're the better people (or don't, its just my advice) and move on if need be. Keep your head up high and enjoy your married life! Congrats! You looked beautiful at your wedding, by the way... and kind of weird question, but I was blog stalking (guilty) and saw a picture of you and what I presume are sorority sisters... were you by any chance a Tri-Delta... curious, as I am an alum of DDD! Take Care and Good Luck!
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    amberlyroseamberlyrose member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for your advice.. it made me feel a million times better. :o) I'm a Phi Sigma Sigma- our symbol is a sphinxhead on a pyramid. DH is a Delta Chi.
    puppies-1

    Anniversary
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    A.M.FA.M.F member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh neat! Sorry, I thought it looked like a Delta Love symbol that we do. My bad! I really do hope the advice helped. Hang in there!
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry, that's super cr@ppy. Sometimes people change and you can't do anything about it. I agree with the PP who said there might be something going on in their lives that's contributing to their cr@ppiness. One of my BMs has been having a lot of problems in her marriage, and as a result has been super b*tchy to everyone around her. As much as it sucks, I just don't hang out with her as much, she is miserable no matter what I do. I just made sure to let her know I am always here for her if she needs me. I'm sorry your DH and you are so hurt by this, you both tried your best to be kind to them, and anybody would be hurt by the way they acted.
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    steffenfamsteffenfam member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Amberly, I agree with AMF.  Give it one more try, and based on BIL's reaction, that will tell you where you stand.  Sometimes we have to let our loved ones go so they can figure things out.  You have to gather strength from those who do support you and care about you.  At least you gave it one last shot, and if he doesn't respond well, it's all on him.
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    Lauren5280Lauren5280 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    This sounds like a really tough situation. I am sorry that you're dealing with this, hopefully time will work magic and things will settle down. Good Luck!
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    spongejenspongejen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i'm so sorry to hear that your BIL is acting this way.  and especially to hear how it is hurting your DH, that is so sad.  we are in a similar situation with fi's parents due to his mother's behavior.  his dad is partially to blame as well because he will not stand up for himself or fi and say anything, but it is unfortunately taking a big toll on fi.  the best advice i can give you is to remove yourself (both of you) from this hurtful situation for awhile.  when people are acting as irrationally as your BIL, it often does nothing but make it worse if you try to talk it over with them or point it out - as they say, you can't talk rationally to an irrational person.  continually trying to fix it or mend the situation is just going to be more "toxic" for your DH's emotions.  sometimes, a little time can help give you a better perspective on the situation, too (including realizing that it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your behavior, and that there is nothing you can do to make someone act otherwise).  good luck and if you ever want to talk, let me know.
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