"skipping the ceremony"... should I be offended?

krcran06

One of my best friends from home is recently engeged to her babies daddy, we are all very happy and excited for her too.  However in conversation she made it clear that he in no was was interested in attending the ceremony because it was full mass.   His full reason is that he thinks its just boring.

Personally I am really offended by this.  He wants to come to a party that is well over a $100/head but cant chill out in a church for 45 mintues???  Its an old cathedral and you can kill a good 40 minutes of that staring at the ceilings and artwork an windows....

Would anyone else feel annoyed by this... I know that my parents will take it so even more....

MacFreitas7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_skipping-ceremony-should-offended?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:48a3f568-5025-47c7-9701-f07a49ee9f58Post:fde46414-fe8b-4e43-a0bc-2ad2a87639ea">"skipping the ceremony"... should I be offended?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my best friends from home is recently engeged to her babies daddy, we are all very happy and excited for her too.  <strong>However in conversation she made it clear that he in no was was interested in attending the ceremony because it was full mass.</strong>   His full reason is that he thinks its just boring. Personally I am really offended by this.  He wants to come to a party that is well over a $100/head but cant chill out in a church for 45 mintues???  Its an old cathedral and you can kill a good 40 minutes of that staring at the ceilings and artwork an windows.... Would anyone else feel annoyed by this... I know that my parents will take it so even more....
Posted by krcran06[/QUOTE]

I would be <em>annoyed </em>by this. Her telling me that. 100% of the guest list aren't going to go to the ceremony/mass in the first place, whether or not it's a full mass or just a ceremony! - So don't be offended, when you walk down the aisle are you going to count how many people are there? NO, you're going to be staring at your FI and that's all:)

bibliophile2010

I would be annoyed. Honestly, going to the reception and not the ceremony is one of those things I hadn't really heard of until TK, except in situations where there are other commitments (like work) that force you to be late. I see it like OP, the reception is a thank you for being there to witness the ceremony, whether it is 45 min or 45 seconds.

That said, I agree that you probably wouldn't have noticed whether she's there or not had she not said anything. Now, maybe you will notice, maybe you won't. I tend to be very ovservant about who is present at things, but I haven't gotten married yet, and I've heard brides say they have a sort of tunnel vision on their wedding days, especially during their ceremonies.

erollis

Everyone cant make it to the ceremony and reception at every wedding every time they go to one. Life happens. I really don't think you will notice who is in attendance or not.

I do have to give them kudos for being honest and letting you know in advance that they wont make it. BUT the reason is just plain wrong! That is the worst reason not to go to the ceremony! I would be upset over the reason not that they wont be there.

She could come to the ceremony by herself and force him to watch the kid until the reception starts if she really wants to come. Just a thought.

wallyandkristin

Yes its a rude thing to say to a bride, some people just don't have manners.  If I were her I'd be annoyed with him for making me go solo.  Since they just got engaged they probably don't have any idea of the cost per head at a wedding or the months of planning it takes, etc (and cleary the etiquette involved)

But the only thing you can do is take the high road and tell her "that's too bad b/c its going to be a beautiful ceremony, we'll just have to look forward to seeing him at the reception" and then drop the topic.  You can't control your guests and you definitely can't make them all happy. 

Josh+Shannon

if she's not willing to share this sacrement with you, then she's not a good friend and should not come to the reception! seems like she's seeing your wedding as a party or a free meal instead of the important event it is!!!


i would flip. but that's me.

DFWIndian

I would be upset like everyone else. Some people don't understand the importance of it all and it's if you are going to the reception you need to make it all of it.

ring_pop

Anyone who's going to find your ceremony boring enough to skip it isn't much of a friend. The only people who skipped my ceremony were some distant relatives that my parents insisted on inviting, but who obviously couldn't give a rat's behind about me.

It's annoying, yes. I'm still annoyed about the situation, to this day (moreso the fact that I had to waste my money inviting them when they really didn't care about me). But there isn't anything you can do. Hopefully your friend can make it if her FI insists on staying home.

It's true that you won't even notice who's there and who's not during the ceremony. I could probably count on my hand the number of people I actually remember seeing at the church. Photos and video reveal where everyone was sitting in hindsight, but I was just focused on my husband that day.

catarntina

I think I have a worse reason why people are skipping my ceremony.  Football.  Ohio State vs Michigan Football.

The majority of my guests have told me that they will not be attending the ceremony.  The biggest football game of the year was rescheduled and fell on my wedding date (I actually looked it up before booking my church/hall.  But they moved it after I paid everyone).  The game usually starts at noon, and will be still be going on by the time my ceremony starts.  So most said they will skip the ceremony and go to the reception so they can catch the game.

Personally, I don't care.  Screw them.  Whatever.  As long as me, my FI, the priest, and my parent's show up... I could care less!  I've had some people already yell at me for scheduling my wedding on this day because of the football game, or tell me they are going to show up in their 'garb'.

The only time I was really offended was when my mother said that I needed to change my colors to blue and gold, play the michigan fight song, and hand out OSU/UM favors... Yeah.  No.  Not gonna happen.  Sorry.

You can be a little offended, sure.  There wouldn't be a reception without the ceremony, right?  But I wouldn't make a big deal about it.  People are just like that.  Some people are maybe uncomfortable being in Catholic churches for instance. I wouldn't let it bother you too much.  You have to take the high road...

Theresa626

I am always incredibly offended by people that skip the ceremony and just come to the reception.  Almost where I'd like to say why not not bother coming at all?  Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do about their incredible rudeness and lack of good etiquette.  If it were someone important to you, you might want to say something about how it would be important for them to be there.  However, it sounds like this man is a guest of someone you know.  Ask his wife to please be there as it is important if she is your close friend but you can't make her husband come.  

Theresa626

catarntina, I am so sorry. That is the worst story I have ever heard.  I really freaking hate football and i think i would kill people if they told me it was more important than my wedding day.  One thought... would you want to or be able to change your wedding to a 10 AM mass with an evening reception so people could watch the game in between your wedding and the reception?  Maybe you could suggest a nearby sports bar for everyone to go to to watch the game.  

Jenn Anne

I would personally be very upset. I dont think that a close friend (or her bf) should do that to you. I cant stand when people make fun a Catholic masses. It annoys the crap out of me! I mean I went to a Methodist church a few times (my FMIL is methodist) and it was literally like a 2 and a half hour service. So Catholic masses arent that bad. It's annoying. I hope everything works out for you!

elisabethb29

I personally think the ceremony is way more important than the reception, so I'd be hurt and upset, but try not to let it get you down.  The most important people in your life will be there, and all you'll be focusing on is your groom.

catarntina, my wedding is the day of UofM/MSU... and I wasn't as considerate as you by looking it up.  I hope people don't skip my wedding for the game, but if they do, it's their issue.  Stand your ground. You shouldn't have to change anything about your weddihg because of a football game.  I kinda feel like... whatever... too... if someones going to skip my wedding to watch the game, that's kinda pathetic.  DVR it.  Catch the highlights on ESPN.  Football should not trump the sacrament of marriage.

Calypso1977

i think its bizarre and wrong, but as others said you wont notice at all.

its his loss.

however, this person clearly illustrates that folks today clearly place way more emphasis on the party rather than the true meaning of the day.   sadly, many at your wedding will probably share his same thoughts, but they at least had hte manners and courtesy to not verbalize their thoughts, and will do the proper thing.

ootmother2

I think it's pretty poor manners but it's pretty common these days, particularly if the guest isn't Catholic.

Catholic weddings are much longer than civil ceremonies and somewhat longer than Protestant weddings.

I have to admit that no one skipped the ceremony and only attended the reception but we were prepared for one couple who were Jewish and the wedding was on one of the holiest days for them.  Basicly, we said it was not a problem if they missed the wedding and only attended the reception because of their holy day.  In the end, they did decline because they had guests for the end of the holy day.

I can under such reasons but not just that it's boring or too long. Skip it totally if you want but don't be rude enough to party but not participate

clearheavens

Like everyone, I'd be very annoyed.  But what was really annoying was the reason why he isn't going.  I can see she's honest and probably close to you.  But I agree, just take the high road, don't look for this friend or her FI when you're walking up the aisle.  Just focus on your DH that day!

Okashiko

Honestly, for his reason, I might be a little irritated. For other reasons, like not being comfortable in the church, maybe not so much.
It is kinda BS that he can't just show up for 45-90 minutes and look at the cathedral artwork.