Wedding "Etiquette"

makenna1210

Ok, so recently I've gotten into some heated arguments with other brides or M.O.B.'s on this site involving proper wedding etiquette. I'm curious now to see what other brides have to say about my own wedding since it's not what one would consider "traditional" and I'm supposedly breaking some "rules" for hosting my guests.

First, we are having a low budget, DIY, small guest list wedding. I have two children from my previous wedding and my fiance and I have been informed by our parents that they are unable to assist us in financing our wedding. We are also attempting to save for our first house as I currently live with my parents still and my fiance rents. With that being said, our wedding budget is $7,000 and we're attempting to scrape by with less.

We are getting married and having the reception at Krippendorf Lodge in Cincinnati Nature Center. Informal, outdoor wedding, around 75 guests, no tuxes, my wedding dress is tea length... you get the picture.

My question is, is it "wrong" or "rude" or "inappropriate" for me to only have hors d'oeuvres and a cash bar to save on the cost of the catering menu? I'm having the wedding at 6:30 pm in an attempt to give people a chance to eat dinner before the wedding and because it is on a Friday night. I've gotten ridicule already from other Knotties on here for having a cash bar, but the majority of our family doesn't drink and we're only inviting a few friends. We're paying for soda and tea etc, but alcohol will have to be on them.

I want your opinions please to know that I'm not totally crazy, rude, inconsiderate for setting my reception up this way. THANKS!

GoBucksOH

I know there are some really strong opinions on the cash bar issue. I, for one, don't mind a cash bar. I certainly prefer an open bar (thats what we did at our wedding), but if you cant swing it, I prefer to have the option of a cash bar rather than no bar at all.

Now, on the topic of food. What kinds of hors d'oeuvres are you having? Your wedding is right at dinner time and I think most people will expect a meal at that time. I understand that you are trying to cut costs - but you need to be sure your guests are taken care of too. If all you are having is finger foods, I would encourage you to at least consider having hot, heavy hors d'oeuvres as well.

Good luck

HarperBargo

I agree with PP.

I really think cash bar depends on your circle. You will find many opinions and strong ones on it. For me it was important to host an open bar to our guests and our venue worked with us on pricing to get it included. Could you possibly do a signature drink?

As for food, the timing is in the middle of dinner time. I would possibly push the wedding back if you are only having hors d'oeuvres. I would also make sure that your guests know that they are not getting a meal. I'm assuming that the invite would also be informal so you could let people know that way.

makenna1210

Hey guys,
"but if you cant swing it, I prefer to have the option of a cash bar rather than no bar at all."
This was our thinking, instead of totally cutting all alcohol from the reception, we figured we would at least leave the option open for those who chose to partake...

As for the hors d'oeuvres, we are planning on having about 7-10 different options to choose from and at least half will be "heavier" items to accomodate for the timing. We are also thinking of adding something to the invitations ex "Please join us for hors d'oeuvres and cake immediately following the ceremony" or similar. Does this sound like a good idea?

GoBucksOH

Yes, I would definitely be sure to let people know ahead of time so that they arent expecting a big meal and be disappointed when they find appetizers instead.

justengaged777

I agree with the above - my thought is not so much about a cash bar but the timing of everything. I vote push everything back an hour. Or if it is mostly family, keep the timing and be open with them about what will be hosted at the reception. I had a friend who was in a similar situation - no outside finaincial help, they had just purchased a house and didn't want to spend tons of money on the wedding. She jokingly told everyone to eat before her wedding because the food was going to be awful. We all knew what to expect and we were all still excited to celebrate with her. 

I just read two articles last week that talked about because of the poor economy cash bars or even limited selection...wine only or limited hours of open bar are more and more acceptable.

Good luck with everything - I hope the remaining Knotties are kind as I would suspect you will receive additional backlash on this subject. Bottom line - you're getting married and if I was your friend/family member I would want to celebrate with you regardless of if you were wearing a potato sack dress and feeding me McD's for dinner. That being said I grew up in the south and went to weddings where everyone brought a covered dish and they served cake and punch! So maybe my views are a little more open than most...

Ashes_3

This is the 3rd post i've read of yours, all the exact same. Change your venue and host your guest. No bar or limited bar.Don't make your guest's have to pay for anything.

eiermacd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-cincinnati_wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:108Discussion:ada589cf-e6fb-42ef-be86-3a2913616d9fPost:c8b514d6-b21a-4cab-a871-244789a5d3de">Re: Wedding "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]This is the 3rd post i've read of yours, all the exact same. Change your venue and host your guest. No bar or limited bar.Don't make your guest's have to pay for anything.
Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

<div>they dont have to pay for a drink if they don't want to its not like they are having a cover charge. they can't afford and open bar so they are simply saying we can't afford it but we are not going to say you can't have a drink. </div>

Ashes_3

If she can't afford it, then have a dry wedding, she is wanting to know about etiquette. Etiquette says your guest's pay for nothing.

eiermacd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-cincinnati_wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:108Discussion:ada589cf-e6fb-42ef-be86-3a2913616d9fPost:1b7db7bd-ae7f-4200-90f1-1141a952dee3">Re: Wedding "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]If she can't afford it, then have a dry wedding, she is wanting to know about etiquette. Etiquette says your guest's pay for nothing.
Posted by Ashes_3[/QUOTE]

<div>if they don't want a drink they don't pay for anything. its simply giving them the option without compeltely taking it away. </div>

annjeanen

I say if people come to your wedding and judge you on whether they had to pay for a drink then that is more about their manners rather than your etiquette.  They are there to celebrate with you.  I agree you should take care of your guests but you are  offering them soda and tea and the option of alcoholic beverages if they want to spring for it.  If that is what you can afford then don't worry about it.  You have to do what is best for your situation.  

Regarding food, as long as you are offering heavy appetizers and lots of them,  I think it is fine.  If you can change the time to a little later I think it might be more accomodating to your guests and they wouldn't expect dinner if it were at 7pm or so.

eiermacd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_ohio-cincinnati_wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:108Discussion:ada589cf-e6fb-42ef-be86-3a2913616d9fPost:de56f99b-5cf0-4a40-9dc6-95127530a2a3">Re: Wedding "Etiquette"</a>:
[QUOTE]I say if people come to your wedding and judge you on whether they had to pay for a drink then that is more about their manners rather than your etiquette.  They are there to celebrate with you.  I agree you should take care of your guests but you are  offering them soda and tea and the option of alcoholic beverages if they want to spring for it.  If that is what you can afford then don't worry about it.  You have to do what is best for your situation.   Regarding food, as long as you are offering heavy appetizers and lots of them,  I think it is fine.  If you can change the time to a little later I think it might be more accomodating to your guests and they wouldn't expect dinner if it were at 7pm or so.
Posted by annjeanen[/QUOTE]

<div>this! agreed!</div>

phfiely

I agree with the above comments above concerning the timing...I think as long as you have heavy apps it should be ok but again, it is during a meal time.

As a guest I have been annoyed/surprised by a cash bar in the past. I think this has to do with me and my fiance traveling a couple thousand miles, paying for hotel and airfare, and then being asked to spend $7 for a drink at the wedding I attended with a cash bar.

What about getting a case or two of wine and a couple cases of beer? That's not going to break the bank and then you're still providing for guests. Or maybe sangria would work for an outdoor wedding? I think you need to cut back somewhere else and use maybe $500 to provide wine, beer, signature drink, etc. You're not "horrible" if you dont, and obviously your guests are there to celebrate your marriage, but a cash bar will always be in poor taste. It definitely irks me when im asked to shell out more money after travel and gift expenses, etc.

clearheavens

I'm going to go against some of the opinion here:

Avoid cash bar. Better to have no bar at all than to ask anyone to pay anything at your reception.  It's ok to see a cash bar at, say, a fund raiser. But I think of a reception as a glorified version of a dinner party in your own home.  (If you were hosting dinner at your house, would you only open the wine if your guests were paying for it? It's bad hosting manners.)

I do agree with phfiely, if you could just do a simple sangria, that would make a huge difference. How about only offering beer? Or placing a bottle of champagne on each table? If you have to have alcohol available, make some budget rearrangements.

As for the hor d'oeuvres, that's not a bad idea, but the timing of your ceremony should be pushed back to even later than 6:30pm (more like 8) to give people the hint that dinner is not served.  Anytime between 6:30-7:30 is meal time and you have to serve a meal. Also since it's on a Friday, I think a later time would also give people time to go home from work/school, unravel, grab dinner, and get changed.

Again, a non-dinner and dry wedding (especially that combo together) is pefectly fine. Just move the time to 8.

One last thing (since you x-posted in 3 different places), you should listen to some of the long-time posters who gave you great advice. I hope you're not looking for a green light just because a few agree with your decision. Your goal is to be a good host, not to have someone else validate your opinion.

CMGr wrote to you in a post, "Etiquette does not change for anyone, regardless of age, financial stiuation or location.  Tradition does."

spazticrexe

If you think a good portion of your guests will want to have at least one drink, it's best to provide for them.

I believe you mentioned that most of your family and friends do not drink... why not do a hosted bar? That way all you pay for is what people actually drink. Another option is just covering all beer and wine but not hard liquor. I know that's a very popular option in this area, since that's mostly what people want to drink anyway. Talk with your venue or bar provider as to your options - you may find there's more middle ground than you thought.

CrysJacob11

Honestly etiquette does say your guests should not have to pay for anything...
with that said I think a cash bar is better than no bar. The bar isn't that important to me when I go to a wedding. If I want it I'll pay for it if I don't I won't. The host bar is a good option or providing beer/wine and cash for liquor.

As far as not having dinner I agree that you either need to make the ceremony later (7:30ish) or inform guests that there will not be a dinner (you're invited to a hors d'oeuvres and cake reception immediately following the ceremony). If you have a guest who gets off work at 5 the last thing that will be on their mind is grabbing dinner when they have to go home shower and get ready for a 6:30 wedding. Also look at all your options because honestly sometimes a single meat buffet is cheaper than 7 to 10 hors d'oeuvres selections.

Best Wishes

Honestly these are your family and friends so they know you better than us and should be happy to celebrate your wedding with you.

Leenie2

No one has mentioned this and I think it's important info. A "heavy" app reception can be just as expensive as a buffet dinner. It takes much more time to make 150 stuffed mushrooms than it does to put 2 roasts in the oven. More time to prepare the food = more $. If you push the time later and really just do a "light" app & cake reception then I would just offer champagne and non alcoholic drinks for your guests. Gourmet Cheese's Bruschetta Bar Mashed Potato Bar Chicken Sate Champagne Cocktail Wedding Cake Coffee Tea Soda Please join us for a light appetizer reception immediately following the ceremony. Champagne will be served with the cake.

I Love my Dave

Maybe you could get a keg of beer? That wouldn't be that much and would keep the few drinkers there happy. As long as people know that dinner won't be served so they can eat before I think that will be okay.