relationship advice!?! (sorry it's long)

tickledpinkrain

So lately I've been really "sensitive", I guess, to things that normally I just let go.  It's the typical "after honeymoon" stage, I think, but we haven't even got to the wedding.  Without making this long and drawn out with minor details I'll just get to the point.  FI is a very independent guy, and sometimes it comes off as being selfish.  He has 3 loves..cars, guns (paintball at the moment), and his computer (games, forums, whatver).  I'm on the list somewhere .  I think I'm a pretty independent woman.  I'm definitely not one to take crap or to sit back and let others take the reigns....but I am also a hopeless romantic who loves to cuddle, etc, and it can come across as needy.  So how do I find a balance?  I could literally spend all my time with FI doing what he loves just because I love being around him.  FI, however, seems to need "time away" from me.  I just don't get it.  I was hurt when he told me this...only because I see it completely different.  We almost always do the things he loves and i'm totally cool with that.  I'm a hardcore chick who will try anything once.  I never complain or bitch about his computer time, etc.  But the one time I did mention it (because it's been on overdrive), he jumped down my throat and "put his foot down."  I was insulted b/c I promised him I would never bitch about his computer or any other hobby unless something was truly wrong or bothering me.

I don't know.  It all seems silly, but with the wedding only a month and days away and I want nothing more than to live in that eternal bliss dream world that I know really doesn't exist!

So how do I still be my romantic, needy self but allow him his independence without being hurt or insulted or coming across to sensitive?

MrsWhitneyAmanda

Your FI sounds a lot like my hubby. And we've been working on a situation much like yours for as long as we've lived together (two years now). We found that he is introverted and I am extroverted. Now that's not the same as homey vs. outgoing. Introversion means a person gets energy from within themselves, and other people usually take that energy from them. Extroversion means we get our energy from being around others. Once we realized this we sat down and talked about it. I know how much he needs to recharge when he gets home at night and I understand that - he's around people all day at work and he's really got no energy left for me when he first gets home. So we say our hellos and have a brief how-was-your-day exchange and then he goes into the office for a little while to recharge. Then he comes out refreshed, so to speak, and sits on the couch with me, usually for dinner and a DVD. I end up getting a much better quality of attention and energy than if I insisted that he focus on me as soon as he walked in the door. It was all about compromise and respecting the emotional (and physical, really) needs of each other.

Having said all that, do y'all truly get any time - and I mean daily time - together? If not, insist that you have dinner together each night. No computer, no cell phones. Maybe even no TV. Just set aside that time to focus on each other. But if your schedules are like ours, be sure to give him some of that recharge time before your quality time. That way he has some 'me' time and you get your 'us' time

Oh, and on the always doing what he loves to do. Why don't you suggest that y'all alternate dates? He picks what you do one time, and you pick the next and so on and so forth.

tickledpinkrain

Great advice!  And yes, our situations do seem similar.  I never really persude the "introvert/extrovert" scenario, but it totally makes sense.  We do get "time" together, and usually it's dinner.  I do try to give him his space right after he gets home too.  I just need to stop expecting so much, I guess.  It doesn't help that I've been stuck at home since I was unemployed.  I think me getting this new job will allow me to meet new ppl and friends, and allow him time to miss me.  I think he actually enjoys missing me...but instead of saying that...he pulls the "i need time away from you" which in turns hurts my feelings.  Oh, the viscious cycles emotions take! lol.  I think I will explain the introvert/extrovert thing to him this evening over dinner.  I guess all I really want is for him to understand where I'm coming from.  I'm not asking for ALL his attention ALL the time...just short burst of UNDIVIDED attention...which, yes, means listening to me! lol.  Thanks again!!!

mlharbis

I'm not really good at advice like that without really knowing the people. MrsWhitney had GREAT advice. I agree that men sometimes need time to recharge before they can really focus on everything you want them to. I'm sure everything will work itself out.
You may could cook dinner for the two of you and sit down (with no tv etc) and just talk. I think a lot of times we get so caught up in the stuff we have to do in our lives and the routine that we forget some of the stuff that the other person needs. I know I get caught up in my busy stuff that I forget that FI is really busy too.

ericak926

I also agree with Whitney. That is some good stuff. Also, why not have a date night once a month? You can take turns planning it and whoever plans it has to make it about the other person. That way you can spend some quality time together, you both have a chance to do what each other wants, and he would probably get to know your likes and dislikes a little better.
Good luck!

brit21489

Great advice ladies. I agree with what everyone has said and I really like the idea of planning a date for each other. Then you can really grow as a couple and learn what the other person likes/ wants to do on their free time. GL on your dinner conversation tonight!

Oh and I think your new job will help too since now you won't be sitting at home waiting for attention. You will be interacting with others and that should help. Then you don't have to get all of your attention from FI. I know how you feel since that is how I felt over summer/winter break since I was the only one left at my house since David got a job and I couldn't find one. GL again!