Just Engaged and Proposals

He didn't ask Permission

My fiance and I have been dating for 2 and 1/2 years, so naturally the topic of marriage has been very much out in the open for the last year or so.  It shouldn't be of any sunrise to our friends (or family) for that matter, but I'm still worried.

My mom is truly my best friend, but as with most best friends, she is the person I vent to about my relationship.  She hears all the bad, with the good, but she tends to dwell on the bad.  I feel like she doesn't completely accept our relationship and I fear that she is hoping that we will move on and find new people.  While she has hinted towards this, she has never explicitly said this is what she thinks.

My family is very southern, and quite traditional.  This combined with my mother's distain for my fiance makes me worry that she will be upset that he didn't ask permission.  I don't know what to do.  A friend suggested that I give the ring back and allow my fiance time to ask properly and then stage a "redo proposal".  But wouldn't my family be madder if the found out later in the process that we lied to them?  I don't know how to tell my mom without really hurting her, and making her like my fiance even less.

Re: He didn't ask Permission

  • First, I'd say you need to stop talking negatively about your FI to your parents.You need to find someone else you can vent to.

    Personally, it would bother me if a guy didn't ask my parents for permission. That's just how it is. I'd think he should ask them. But what if they don't give their blessing?
  • I think the tradition of asking permission is out dated.  It definitely depends on the family though.  My FI did not ask for permission.  My dad and I only speak a couple of times a year, so it wouldn't have made any sense for FI to ask him.  I thought he might ask my mom for permission, but he said he knew if he asked her, that she wouldn't be able to keep it a secret until he proposed, and he didn't want to ruin the surprise for me. :)
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  • My FI also did not ask permission which I thought he should and would do so I was very suprised when he did not.  Instead of lying to our families we went together over to my parents house for dinner the next night and he asked them for their blessing because he proposed last night and I said yes.  This worked for us and I don't know your family but maybe it would work for you as well.  Good Luck and Congrats!
  • I agree with the pp that you shouldn't rant about your FI to your mother, cause mother's ALWAYS remember the bad stuff.

    Don't do a do over...i doubt this is something that will be upsetting to them forever, they will get over it.  Just tell them.  You are a grown up.
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  • My guy has already said that when he proposes, it will be without my dad's permission. He finds the tradition outdated and kind of creepy. 

    I told my dad that my guy won't be asking for permission and his response was, "I want you to be with a man that doesn't need anyone's permission to marry you because he loves you. I didn't ask anyone's permission to marry your mother." 

    But then again, we aren't too worried about being traditional and all that. I will give the disclaimer that some of our other less than traditional means for engagement has already gotten me flamed on other forums, so assume my advice at your own risk and mileage may vary. 
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  • I would have been pissed if FH had asked my dad for permission.  We don't need it, and it really doesn't matter.  Also, even though you are close to your mom, you shouldn't tell her all the negative stuff about your FI and your relationship.  She is still your mom and will worry.  Remember mom =/=friend. 

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  • I like the blessing idea too!

    And I agree with the other posters who mentioned that you might want to avoid talking to your mother about some of the "bad" in your relationship. Your mother may be your best friend but your fiance could end up resenting you if you continue this into the marriage. Be careful and good luck!
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  • i think you're making a bigger deal out of this than it actually is in the grand scheme of life. if your mom makes a big deal out of it, just hug her, tell her you are sorry she is disappointed, and tell her how excited you were to be able to tell her the news yourself. and then change the subject. if something small like that causes drama, then i hate to see what you encounter when it's time to plan the guest list! ;) good luck! keep us posted!

  • I think that maybe you and your FI need to have a sit down conversation with your parents. This should be a very exciting and happy time for everyone, im sure a talk can clear it all up.

    I talked to both my parents prior to getting engaged about their thoughts on me getting married, and I told them my FI would not be asking my dad for my hand in marriage.  In my opinion i am an adult, my FI knows me better then my dad does, and we dont need "permission" to get engaged.

    My family did not approve of me dating my FI prior to our engagement, but once it was serious and we got engaged my parents opened their eyes and have been nothing but happy and supportive.  Good luck, and i hope it all works out!
  • My proposal was sort of boring and totally something my husband would do but not something I would have liked. It was totally him and not me! 

    I asked if my parents knew and he said no. So I handed him my phone and made him call my dad! My dad told him he didn't think he could have found a better choice for me! I didn't necessarily need my parents approval but I felt it was important to be somewhat traditional in our marriage. BUT my dad also said he didn't know my husband was suppose to ask. 

    Later I found out his parents already knew so it was only fair that my parents knew and approved before the proposal. 
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