Friend wants to bring trashy date?

amocksun

Our friend, a guy, is a sweetheart and we love him dearly. He is in the process of divorcing his wife (by her choice) and has been moved out since December. Lately he's been seeing this woman who has been in a live in relationship for years. When we asked if she's still with her boyfriend, our friend has said "she SAYS she's not...we're not exclusive anyway". I've seen a picture of her, and she looks like complete trouble.

Well, a minute ago he asked me in a text "Do I get a plus one?" I haven't answered yet. We're not doing a sit down meal, so the extra cost for her isn't really an issue, and we love him and don't want to offend him (though he is a passive guy) but I don't like her from what I've heard and seen and honesty I'd be embarrassed for my family to see her there...she truly looks like a cheap hooker. 

I'm thinking about saying that to save money, we're only having serious couples and marrieds as dates, BUT I'm pretty sure he got an insert in his invitation saying that singles can bring dates. Obviously, he didn't notice it, but if he came across it I don't want him to get mad. What should I do?

ohwhynot

Let him bring her.  If he had a "decent woman," in your and your family's eyes this wouldn't be an issue, so just let it go. 

Maybe she cleans up nice.  If not, you have story to tell. 

laurenclaire1386

Dude just let him bring the chick. She might do something horrendously embarrassing, but the only person it'll embarrass is her. Normal people understand that you, as the bride, have zero control over your guests' actions. You're overthinking this. You invited him wiht a plus one, but that doesn't mean you get to dictate who the plus one is. Just let him bring her. You won't even notice she's there, more than likely.

ootmother2

If he got the insert, he gets a date. you don't remember if you sent one to him?

apple_green

You sound kind of judgemental. Do you think she's trashy just based on pictures you've seen? Are you extending +1s to other guests? I don't think it's your place to say who your friend dates. If other guests get dates then he should too. You won't even notice her on the day of.

MyNameIsNot

Your wedding is not your opportunity to judge other people's relationships.

Just let him bring her.  

amocksun

Yea, I don't remember if I sent one, because it was on the back of the directions. I ran out, so I only put them in the invites that I felt needed directions the most.

And sigh...OK. I guess I can let her come...it just doesn't seem right for him to even ASK when she's probably with someone else, ya know? Like it's basically a dirty affair, you don't take that to someone's wedding.

Actually at his wedding 6 years ago, the bride had all the money stolen out of her purse. That also has me paranoid about who comes.

missamory

honestly, i would let him bring her. i would not worry about it.
you will not notice it on your wedding day. have a great day.
it's no big deal (i got married and realized it is not big deal.)

have fun~

amocksun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:9d306cdd-3f70-44e8-83d1-ba5d29979ae2">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]You sound kind of judgemental. Do you think she's trashy just based on pictures you've seen? Are you extending +1s to other guests? I don't think it's your place to say who your friend dates. If other guests get dates then he should too. You won't even notice her on the day of.
Posted by apple_green[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I am probably, though I never saw a problem with that. And while she does look like a Jerry Springer guest, that isn't what I'm solely basing my opinion on. It's mainly the fact that she's cheating in a serious relationship with my friend.

</div>

ohwhynot

Oh please - now you think she's a THIEF?  I thought she was just trashy? 

Look - even if she is trashy, he's going through a divorce that wasn't his idea.  A LOT of men in that situation find some comfort in trashy women for a time; cut him some slack. 

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:be977f36-1387-4a41-819a-c83202c25cdb">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date? : I am probably, though I never saw a problem with that. <strong>And while she does look like a Jerry Springer guest, that isn't what I'm solely basing my opinion on. It's mainly the fact that she's cheating in a serious relationship with my friend</strong>.
Posted by amocksun[/QUOTE]

*coughbullshitcough*

amocksun

Lol, I know, and we are cutting him slack. We haven't said anything about it to him. And I don't know she's a thief, I just unfortunately have known a lot of thieves and been the victim of them and she does look the part.

amocksun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:e27695a0-e389-4685-8ab7-09f00ab3bbb5">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date? : *coughbullshitcough*
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

<div>What is with the hostility in here anyway? I couldn't care less if you think it's "bullshitcough"- just because someone has a differing opinion doesn't make it bullshit. If you disagree, stop posting. I was asking for opinions and appreciate the ones I've gotten. If I don't agree with one, I don't feel the need to conjure up cutesy ways of being a bitch to illustrate my disapproval. </div>

apple_green

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:37fbe07f-7f22-47ba-b458-3bcf866754f8">Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Our friend, a guy, is a sweetheart and we love him dearly. He is in the process of divorcing his wife (by her choice) and has been moved out since December. Lately he's been seeing this woman who has been in a live in relationship for years. When we asked if she's still with her boyfriend, our friend has said "she SAYS she's not...we're not exclusive anyway". I've seen a picture of her, and she looks like complete trouble. Well, a minute ago he asked me in a text "Do I get a plus one?" I haven't answered yet. We're not doing a sit down meal, so the extra cost for her isn't really an issue, and we love him and don't want to offend him (though he is a passive guy) but I don't like her from what I've heard and seen and honesty I'd be embarrassed for my family to see her there...she truly looks like a cheap hooker.  I'm thinking about saying that to save money, we're only having serious couples and marrieds as dates, BUT I'm pretty sure he got an insert in his invitation saying that singles can bring dates. Obviously, he didn't notice it, but if he came across it I don't want him to get mad. What should I do?
Posted by amocksun[/QUOTE]

shellydiane820

no one will judge you if she looks trashy. especially since she's a date.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:deeec0aa-1afe-4d55-b5ca-55ad1c839d18">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol, I know, and we are cutting him slack. We haven't said anything about it to him. And I don't know she's a thief, I<strong> just unfortunately have known a lot of thieves and been the victim of them and she does look the part.</strong>
Posted by amocksun[/QUOTE]

<div>Is that your cutesy way of being a bitch?  Assuming she's a criminal by her appearance?  </div><div>
</div><div>You should be ashamed.  </div>

ohwhynot

Oh please.  You posted that she looks trashy, like a "cheap hooker," that you'd be embarassed for your family to see her there, and that she looks like a  thief and something from Jerry Springer, but then you want me to believe that the REAL reason you're concerned about having her there is because she's cheating on a 'serious' relationship? 

Puh-leeze. 

amocksun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:12fbbd16-21d2-4337-9aed-320ef1b8108a">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh please.  You posted that she looks trashy, like a "cheap hooker," that you'd be embarassed for your family to see her there, and that she looks like a  thief and something from Jerry Springer, but then you want me to believe that the REAL reason you're concerned about having her there is because she's cheating on a 'serious' relationship?  Puh-leeze. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Did you really just type out Puh-Leeze? Wow.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, I don't EXPECT you to believe anything, since I don't know you and this is an internet forum, and yea, why would I care or hide my feelings? I don't care that much what she looks like- our friend has long hair and tattoos, my bartender has a nose ring, I'm wearing a green dress. Don't care. I don't respect her because of what she's doing to her boyfriend. If she sounded like a respectable person I wouldn't think twice about inviting her.

</div>

amocksun

Oh, and I forgot to say that we aren't having a mingle and leave kind of reception. We have our cabin rented for the night and invited our friends to stay and party all night. The guy in question will be one to stay up, and I guess my main problem here is that I'm imagining being stuck hanging out with a chick I already don't care for on my wedding night.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:ed6db3eb-0839-40b1-9980-1447f988cf79">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date? : Did you really just type out Puh-Leeze? Wow. Anyway, I don't EXPECT you to believe anything, since I don't know you and this is an internet forum, and yea, why would I care or hide my feelings? I don't care that much what she looks like- our friend has long hair and tattoos, my bartender has a nose ring, I'm wearing a green dress. Don't care. I don't respect her because of what she's doing to her boyfriend. If she sounded like a respectable person I wouldn't think twice about inviting her.
Posted by amocksun[/QUOTE]

<div>My friend has long hair and tattoos, so you must ignore that I judge other people on their appearance!!!!one!!!</div><div>
</div><div>You are certainly not a respectable person by any means.  </div>

ohwhynot

So now you know the intimate details of her relationship with her other boyfriend?  You know, for a fact, that he's not seeing other women, that he doesn't mind if she sees another man?  Wow, you've never met the woman but you know all that?  You must be psychic!

amocksun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friend-wants-bring-trashy-date?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0c7050-6c68-4ef1-ac36-bd85b3a82d5aPost:6b1d95e8-547b-4909-b2ae-be11edaaf54d">Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend wants to bring trashy date? : My friend has long hair and tattoos, so you must ignore that I judge other people on their appearance!!!!one!!! You are certainly not a respectable person by any means.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

<div>LMAO! Oh thank you wise one, for judging my innermost character based on 30 minutes of internet banter. I can rest easy not that such an esteemed person has given me her written judgement.</div><div>
</div><div>I have no reason to explain myself to you, but 9 our of 10 of our friends have tattoos. I simply mentioned him because I meant he was the one who wants to bring her.</div><div>
</div><div>Not that that matters, since you are clearly stunningly unhappy with yourself and apparently your only outlet is to bully strangers on the internet. We should all strive to be so "respectable"  :)</div>

SonaliPop

He should be able to bring her. There is no way you are going to be analyzing their behavior on the first night. If you're doing it all wrong, yeah - you'll be focused on your friend's date who may or may not be engaged in behavior that is...well...none of your business anyway. If you're doing it right, you are having fun, thanking the universe for having such an amazing wedding, and being totally enveloped in how much you love your husband. Judging your friends date is ridiculous, and if he starts to really pursue her and they become an item, you are going to have to become more accepting, anyway.

I also think you are being a bit judgmental and could lay off a smidge. Yeah, what she's doing is wrong, but that's life. It's not your place to over analyze any of it...you should be focusing on the wedding and impending marriage and all the good things to come. She may turn out to be totally different than you expect.

You should read over some of these posts and see some of the advice there and not get angry about it. If you ask for advice, you may not like what you get, but people are being honest. Maybe if you take a step back from the situation, it'll make more sense.

SonaliPop

Pardon me...

I meant to type, "your wedding" not "the first night".

sapphirebaby926

You base your opinion of her on a picture you've seen and you honestly expect us to believe you don't care what she looks like?

SonaliPop

Agreed, Sapphirebaby.

mwhitson14

I don't get what tattoos has anything to do with anything. You keep bringing that up like we're supposed to be all, go you for allowing that! You're the one that keeps bringing up looks.

mwhitson14

Andplusalso, what does a thief look like? Is she going to be carrying around a big bag or wearing a too-big-for-her coat? Because after 5 years of working in retail, thieves come in all shapes, sizes, races, and looks.

Mrs_AF

No whitson, she'll be walking on tip toes and wearing a blindfold with the eye parts cut out, just like in the cartoons.

SparrowSong

Control of your wedding is limited to what color napkins are used and if you serve chicken or fish.

Your control does not extend as far as the personal lives of all your guests and who they are allowed to date and who they are not.

mizri

I'm always amused by people who think thieves "have a look about them."  I agree, there are some warning signs, but working with LP (Loss Prevention) at my last retail job, most people who got caught didn't have those "warning signs."  I've seen people who might be suspected of stealing but they never touched a thing, and I've seen clean-cut, well dressed people steal.  One co-worker had a nice dressed guy looking at GPS systems, and he asked if he could take it around the corner to show his mother.  We never saw that GPS again.  Or the mothers that were caught using their child's stroller or diaper bag to steal. 

I know you said she's cheating, but maybe by the time of your wedding, she will have left that relationship for your friend or your friend will have moved on.  Either way, you can't tell him not to bring someone just because you have reservaions about her appearance and life choices.