How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?

rlavach

This isn’t E related, but this is an active board with a lot of good advice givers, so thought I’d try here.

My FI hates being in the public eye. Small parties are OK, but the thought of standing up there to do our vows or our first dance literally makes him short of breath & shake. I’m the total opposite. I’m a ham. We’re not doing speeches or cake cutting to as a compromise for his nerves.

 

It really looks like he won't enjoy half of our wedding because he's so nervous. Any advice on what I can say to him to help calm his nerves or tips to help him out? TIA! 

 ETA: HA! I just realized my typo. Oh well. Guess that's why I get for typing too fast at work.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Just get him drunk before the ceremony.

I'm kidding, obvs.

For real though, just tell him that the only people in the room who matter are you, him, and the officiant.  Just have him focus on you and no one else.

sarabellam

A good low-carb diet should help with stage freight.

Maggie0829

My H was shaking like a leaf while waiting at the alter and all through the ceremony.  He hates being the center of attention and especially speaking in front of people.

As for the reception, he was fine because he was able to have fun with his guests.

Like PP said, just tell your FI to focus on just you and the officiant during the ceremony and that everyone who is there love and support the two of you.

I also don't think a small shot of alcohol is that bad of an idea...

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-help-a-groom-with-stage-freight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1ddb38a-9b90-4cb2-b861-66bcdd638c7fPost:097c9f8d-1e1d-4bad-a08b-0ffd4c96acc5">Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?</a>:
[QUOTE]My H was shaking like a leaf while waiting at the alter and all through the ceremony.  He hates being the center of attention and especially speaking in front of people. As for the reception, he was fine because he was able to have fun with his guests. Like PP said, just tell your FI to focus on just you and the officiant during the ceremony and that everyone who is there love and support the two of you. I also don't think a small shot of alcohol is that bad of an idea...
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
Oh, he's such a lightweight. He didn't really drink until his late 20s, so his tolerance is so low. A tiny shot won't hurt him, I guess :) I'll definitely make sure to remember that for the ride to the reception, which seems to worry him more.<div>
</div><div>I think part of it is that he only has about 10 family members there (his family is all overseas), so the other 80 guests are my friends/family. I've tried to say everything I know!</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Habs2Hart

Maybe have a very short first dance?  A verse or two in, invite other couples to join so you aren't alone as long?

graysquirrel

What helped me was to only focus on H during the ceremony and dance. I am used to being in front of people since I'm a teacher, but I still don't like attention. Have him face you and look into his eyes during the ceremony and he will have an easier time.

I really like the advice about having a short first dance or inviting others to join you part way through. Maybe your parents could dance together or you could invite other married couples to celebrate marriage by joining you or something.

rlavach

Having a shorter dance is a good idea. I pretty much ALWAYS think first dances are too long, so maybe we'll do that. I did plan on having our individual parent dances right after to 'get it out of the way'. 

Thanks for the help!

specialk84

My H is really shy, and we didn't do dances. There wasn't any dancing, actually, and people still had a great time. It was a Saturday evening reception, and people still stayed the whole time.

dubird

Having him drink a glass (or half glass) of wine isn't a bad idea at all.  Another thing you can do is make sure he doesn't have to remember anything for the ceremony.  We've gone through and built our ceremony with our officant, but he'll be directing us through the entire thing because otherwise I'll be so nervous I'll forget something!

And this is a little silly, but make sure the reception is a little darker if you can.  For me, if I'm in the spotlight, I'll get really spooked, but having the room a little darker helps me to religate people I'm not interacting with to the background, which makes me less nervous.

missy68

Hire a moving company? j/k

My husband hates cameras. HATES. He is a casual drinker, so I told him to have a drink with my brother in the suite before coming down (later, I discovered he'd had 3 or 4 - but I couldn't tell). When I reached him, I rubbed his arm, and he had sweated so much, his jacket was damp. That's his level of camera anxiety. And ties.

Have him talk to his doctor. The doctor may be able to give him suggestions or help.

Teach him controlled breathing for calming. And for God's sake, make sure you tell him not to lock his knees.

BubbsNBubbs

I would have him talk to his doctor.  See if he can get a very small xanax scrip or some other anti-anxiety meds.  A small glass of wine would get the same effect...but I understand that some people would prefer not to drink?

Also, consider having a "first look" so that the two of you can have some one-on-one time before the ceremony. Kinda cuts down on all the anxiety that would come with waiting for you up in front of everyone if he has already seen you in your beauty.

carrieloomis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-help-a-groom-with-stage-freight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1ddb38a-9b90-4cb2-b861-66bcdd638c7fPost:a4a8c20b-6b98-4290-9ed8-23d6db673605">Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would have him talk to his doctor.  <strong>See if he can get a very small xanax scrip or some other anti-anxiety meds</strong>.  A small glass of wine would get the same effect...but I understand that some people would prefer not to drink? Also, consider having a "first look" so that the two of you can have some one-on-one time before the ceremony. Kinda cuts down on all the anxiety that would come with waiting for you up in front of everyone if he has already seen you in your beauty. :)
Posted by BubbsNBubbs[/QUOTE]

<div>highly doubt a doctor is going to prescribe benzos for wedding nerves...

</div><div>I agree with the drink idea or telling him to focus on you and the officiant. He may suprise you :)</div>

Meghannsix

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-help-a-groom-with-stage-freight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1ddb38a-9b90-4cb2-b861-66bcdd638c7fPost:d97a5700-59cd-4606-9752-4e3e06f97ee3">Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'? : highly doubt a doctor is going to prescribe benzos for wedding nerves... I agree with the drink idea or telling him to focus on you and the officiant. He may suprise you :)
Posted by carrieloomis[/QUOTE]

My BIL's doctor called in phenergan for him the morning of my sister's wedding.  He was so hungover from the rehersal dinner after party the night before, he couldn't stop throwing up.
 

carrieloomis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-help-a-groom-with-stage-freight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1ddb38a-9b90-4cb2-b861-66bcdd638c7fPost:5af559ca-9666-4df7-b4eb-4678e9e6a699">Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'? : My BIL's doctor called in phenergan for him the morning of my sister's wedding.  He was so hungover from the rehersal dinner after party the night before, he couldn't stop throwing up.  
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

<div>Phenergan is not a benzo... benzodiazepines are schedule 3 psychoactive substances that no doctor would ever prescribe for a one day event. If he/she did they should be sued. Phenergan treats nausea and isn't addictive.</div>

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-help-a-groom-with-stage-freight?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a1ddb38a-9b90-4cb2-b861-66bcdd638c7fPost:c98f5168-db4b-4305-8172-e56603a4107d">Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How To Help a Groom with 'Stage Freight'? : Phenergan is not a benzo... benzodiazepines are schedule 3 psychoactive substances that no doctor would ever prescribe for a one day event. If he/she did they should be sued. Phenergan treats nausea and isn't addictive.
Posted by carrieloomis[/QUOTE]
Ditto. Plus, considering that would be the first time that he'd ever take it, who knows how he'd react? Xanax, and others in that category, need to be closely monitored and tapered into. You can't just pop a 2mg one day & expect it to be just dandy.<div>
</div><div>I think the best idea is to tell him to have a little wine with his family. They're French, so I hardly think the idea of wine in the afternoon would be so terrible. Watch I'm all worried for him & I end up being the nervous one! O.o</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the advice ladies.</div>