Inviting a "problem" guest?

mef1183

I have an aunt who is a raging alcoholic.  Her own children don't speak to her (one is getting married in a couple weeks and did not invite her mother to the wedding).  She causes a scene everywhere she goes, wears ridiculous outfits and curses nonstop.  I was planning on inviting her to my wedding only to appease my father.  Long story short, I've had a strange relationship with my father for a while now, and he's not really a fan of me getting married, but he said to me "if you need any financial help with the wedding, let me know."  So last night I was talking to him and mentioned that we could use some help paying for the photographer.  He flipped out on me and hung up.  Ok... so now I no longer feel obligated to invite my crazy aunt.  Not because he isn't helping financially, but because of his attitude in general.  Furthermore, I have probably at least four guests who will either be extremely uncomfortable or just won't come if my aunt is there. 

Sorry for the long rant... but am I justified in excluding her from the guest list, even though I'll be inviting all other aunts and uncles?

quotequeen

It sounds like you are not really interested in ever having a relationship with her, so in that case I think you can exclude her.  Are there any other family members that would be offended that you excluded her?

L-Bride

My answer to questions like these is just to invite the guest in question. I feel like it  just causes more drama and hurt down the line than not inviting in the first place. If she gets drunk and curses like a truck driver, oh well. It makes her look bad and not you. As for other guests not wanting her there- hopefully they can get over it and show up.

shannonalise

If she really is that much of a problem everywhere she goes, I don't see why you need to invite her - especially since you are not close to her.

I'm not exactly clear on what happened with you and your father regarding the photographer - I'm sure there's more to the story than you've told in this little paragraph or two - but how will he feel if you do not invite her?

I think it's a matter of weighing the possible outcomes in this situation - will it be more drama and trouble than it's worth not to invite her and have she or your father be very upset or hurt, or would inviting her prove to be more of a headache? Sometimes it's just easier to invite someone than it is to exclude them for one reason or another.

I wish you the best though.

Joellee84

Although she is an alcoholic and doesn't behave well in public do you have any relationship with her?  Do you talk to her at all? 

I believe that if you don't like her and lack a relationship with her, then you are jusitified in not inviting her.  I also agree with ppl who stated you can cause less drama by just inviting these people in question.  If you do invite her, I would make someone in charge aware and set a boundary as to what behavior is unacceptable and would result in her being told to leave.

Calypso1977

factoring our the bad behavior and alcoholism, if you have a relationship with her, invite her.  if you dont, then dont invite her. 

squirrly

I don't subscribe to the theory that if you invite an aunt you must invite all aunts, period.  I think if you don't care to have this aunt as part of your life - don't invite her.  Understand that she may be hurt by it, but if you don't care if she's part of her life, do the consequences of not inviting her actually affect you? 

danieliza1127

If her own kid didn't invite her then I don't see why you would be expected to.

melissamc2

She's a problem.  You don't like her.  You don't want to be around her.  You don't have a relationship with her.  She'd be a distraction and would make others uncomfortable, as well as yourself.

She seems to fit the "do not invite" bill to me.

I don't hold by the "blood is thicker than water" theory, myself.  I've invited exactly 4 blood related relatives to my wedding 9and their spouses). this includes my Mother an brother.  I have an enormous family.  I felt no obligation whatsoever.  Neither should you.

Good luck!

mef1183

Thanks for all the input ladies!  The whole situation is just so...aghhhh!  I'm leaning toward not inviting her, mostly because I know there will be some guests there who will spend the night trying to avoid her instead of just having fun.  And her daughter is one of my bridesmaids, so I certainly don't want her to be uncomfortable.

JanoBean75

The whole "invite them anyway" thing confuses me. If someone is so toxic that they cause problems everywhere they go, they should be excluded from special events. Their behavior is not acceptable in a shopping mall, let alone someone's wedding. If I had a drunk aunt, she'd never make the list in the first place. If people got offended, too bad, they can invite her to their own parties. I'm not letting anyone ruin our wedding because they lack control.

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-problem-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a898dd42-fd00-4df4-b281-5915f7989364Post:ea3a2792-26ec-4ecd-91e7-71e70345d1b0">Re: Inviting a "problem" guest?</a>:
[QUOTE]The whole "invite them anyway" thing confuses me. If someone is so toxic that they cause problems everywhere they go, they should be excluded from special events. Their behavior is not acceptable in a shopping mall, let alone someone's wedding. If I had a drunk aunt, she'd never make the list in the first place. If people got offended, too bad, they can invite her to their own parties. I'm not letting anyone ruin our wedding because they lack control.
Posted by JanoBean75[/QUOTE]

I think a lot of the time people worry about how a person might behave at their wedding and then when the time comes the person acted completely fine and the B&G forgot they were even there.
I do think it's easier in some cases to just invite people than to deal with the backlash of not inviting someone in the long run. Family members side with different family members, feelings are hurt, and in the end you can be the one who ends up looking bad.
I don't think this is always the case. I know there are situations where people absolutely need to be cut off the guest list but that's where I come from when I tell people to "invite them anyway".

cassiehansen

I feel for you as we have a similar situation with a cousin. We did choose to invite her and decided that if she shows up and causes a scean then we will deal with it then. My fiance encouraged me to invite her for a few reasons. If she really wanted to show up and cause a scean, she could, invite or not. And, at least this was we did the 'right' thing by extending an invite to her.
Hope you can come to a decision that works for you.