Double standard stags? Can I have friends at my stag when I'm eloping?

Kylieanne80

With regards to the often asked question: "can you invite people to your bridal shower or stagette if they're not invited to the wedding?" I've always seen a resounding "no" as the answer. However amongst my guy friends it's common practice to invite anyone and everyone along to a stag. I've heard of guys going to stags when they barely knew the groom. Isn't this a double standard for us girls? For my wedding were eloping and only taking two friends along. All my friends support this idea but want to throw me a shower beforehand and have expressed that they want to come to my stag. So is that still considered poor form?

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_double-standard-stags-can-friends-stag-im-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc3f2018-9ae9-4f73-8fb0-e3e70cf9bfe6Post:adec07a0-945b-4416-9570-4283705426b0">Double standard stags? Can I have friends at my stag when I'm eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]With regards to the often asked question: "can you invite people to your bridal shower or stagette if they're not invited to the wedding?" I've always seen a resounding "no" as the answer. However amongst my guy friends it's common practice to invite anyone and everyone along to a stag. I've heard of guys going to stags when they barely knew the groom. Isn't this a double standard for us girls? For my wedding were eloping and only taking two friends along. All my friends support this idea but want to throw me a shower beforehand and have expressed that they want to come to my stag. So is that still considered poor form?
Posted by Kylieanne80[/QUOTE]
Yes, that's inappropriate.  It's also inappropriate to invite people to the stag who are not invited to the wedding.  The men don't get a pass for this one either.

Simply Fated

Just because guys are doing it, doesn't mean you should. What they are doing is rude. Be above them. If they all jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you?

Snippylynn

I'd recommend having a big party after the wedding if you guys really want to have something.  And make it just a party with no mention of the wedding, etc.

zitiqueen

If you're taking two friends with you and you already have this all planned out ahead of time, you're not eloping. Eloping means you run away by yourselves to get married and nobody knows about it until after it's happened. What you're planning is a small wedding. The only people who should be invited to any pre-wedding parties are the two people who will be standing up with you at your wedding.

BMcLeodTeam

Do you mind me asking where you're from? Wondering because it is also very common with the Stags here, people seem to follow ettiquette on the shower, but the Stags are anyone and everyone who wants to come.... often the Bride and Groom don't even know everyone present, as they could be a friend of a friend...
I am starting to see that seems to be more common among the Canadian Knotties than the Americans....
Not saying its correct ettiquette wise, just curious lol

[Deleted User]

Is this the type of stag party that's a fundraiser? Because if so that's doubly egregious.

RaptorSLH

Officially, for both genders, the stag guest list should only include those invited to the wedding.  Unofficially, men often care less about this rule, and are so happy to get drunk and see some T&A that they don't care about not being invited to the wedding.

SunshineShades

I have actually been to a bachlorette party where I didnt even know the bride. A friend invited me along. I saw it as a good time to get to have fun with a bunch of girls.

bvanosten

I've been to bacholorette parties where I wasn't invited to the wedding.  It was an aquaintance and I knew ahead of time that I wasn't invited to the wedding but my group of friends were all going so the bride asked if I would like to come along.  I went and it was a blast.  I didn't take offense to it.  I think as long as it's casually asking them, it's fine.  Maybe have a friend that is invited mention to them and tell them the situation.  Then it's not as weird for them to decide whether they are offended or not and they can just let your friend know and you can officially ask them if they'd like to come along.

Kylieanne80

I'm a Canadian bride (Vancouver, BC) and I definitely think things are a little more 'relaxed' on the west coast ;-) I think I should make it very clear that it is not ME throwing a party or inviting anyone. I've been approached by nearly every female I know asking if she can come to my stagette. They all think it's great that we're eloping but want to party with me one last time. Wouldn't it be rude to say, 'Oh sorry you can't party with me because I'm not having guests at my wedding.' I feel like this is a case of the more the merrier, it's just a party and if it's the girls approaching me instead of me making a guest list then I feel like this is acceptable. 

As for the definition of eloping, everyone has their own terms but for us we're calling it a 'modified elopment' in that we're each bringing our best friends along. We wanted to elope just us two but our best friends said they HAD to be there & we're not ones to turn away friends that want to celebrate. No interest in having a big party when we get home, defeats the purpose of keeping it small.

Kylieanne80

I also want to make it clear that it's my best friend who's asking to throw me a stag. She seemed hurt when I told her I didn't know if that was the best move considering our small wedding. Etiquette, shmettiquette if your best friend wants to throw you a party and all your other friends are asking to come, who am I to say no? ;-)

57rainbows

You can always throw parties! Especially if it's not going to cost the guests anything. Call it a stag/ette, call it a party, call it anything you want. I don't think anyone is going to freak out because you invited them to  a party. This is especially true when you are having what I would call a private wedding; it's not just small, it's private. It's not an issue then of "Some people were important enough to come to the wedding, and you're not, but you can come to the bachelorette". It's just, "We didn't invite anyone to the private ceremony but I'd like to spend time with you anyway". That's how I'd take it, anyway. I just think it's different when it's a private wedding, not a small wedding.

Kylieanne80

I like the way you ^^^ think ;-)

GretchenLaRoux

Oh, God, where's that Validator AE when you need it?

ETA: OP, just because other people think it's ok doesn't make it appropriate etiquette-wise to invite people to a wedding-related party if they're not invited to the wedding. If you want to see people, have as many parties as you want, but they shouldn't be wedding-related.

redheadfsu

I had ran away and got married ( everyone knew about it like your plan). I turned down all pre-weddings parties because it is rude and I would feel like a fool letting my friends throw/ pay for a party about my wedding when they were not invited to the actual wedding. I knew it was wrong (like you do) so I just couldn't let my friends be tacky... They are friends so I had to stop them. My friends didn't understand why it was wrong, but I just said, "I know you just want to hang out before I get on the plane so let's just hang out like we normally do, ok?" we just did a Friday night girls night. Some people gave me a gift on my way out, but the night was normal otherwise ( I paid for my own drinks like normal).

Kylieanne80

Wow lol! When I signed up for this site I knew that there were some very opinionated knotties on here but I had no idea people's views were so black and white. All I can say is I'm counting my Canadian loonies that my girlfriends want to be in my life and celebrate with and for me regardless of what some consider tacky or poor form. This must be another one of those invisible-border-differences. I would suggest that just because this isn't what passes for etiquette in your neck of the woods doesn't mean it's "wrong" here. It's actually incredibly common in Canada, at least on the west coast where I'm from.

My best friend wants to throw me a stagette = a party with a bunch of girls that takes place before my wedding (without gifts). Whomever decided that that's a bad idea needs to learn to have some fun and lighten up! Remember ladies, we're getting married...no one is getting hurt...especially not when they're ASKING for it. Let's try to remember we're not having high tea with the queen...it's a stagette ;-)

 I guess I was more hoping that there'd be some brides on here who'd encountered the same thing & to tell me about what they did. Perhaps we are too quick to attack than be supportive. Merry Christmas!

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_double-standard-stags-can-friends-stag-im-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc3f2018-9ae9-4f73-8fb0-e3e70cf9bfe6Post:3a91e144-10cb-45e0-98d8-529d89b1cfd6">Re: Double standard stags? Can I have friends at my stag when I'm eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow lol! When I signed up for this site I knew that there were some very opinionated knotties on here but I had no idea people's views were so black and white. All I can say is I'm counting my Canadian loonies that my girlfriends want to be in my life and celebrate with and for me regardless of what some consider tacky or poor form. This must be another one of those invisible-border-differences. I would suggest that just because this isn't what passes for etiquette in your neck of the woods doesn't mean it's "wrong" here. It's actually incredibly common in Canada, at least on the west coast where I'm from. My best friend wants to throw me a stagette = a party with a bunch of girls that takes place before my wedding (without gifts). Whomever decided that that's a bad idea needs to learn to have some fun and lighten up! Remember ladies, we're getting married...no one is getting hurt...especially not when they're ASKING for it. Let's try to remember we're not having high tea with the queen...it's a stagette ;-)  I guess I was more hoping that there'd be some brides on here who'd encountered the same thing & to tell me about what they did. Perhaps we are too quick to attack than be supportive. Merry Christmas!
Posted by Kylieanne80[/QUOTE]

redheadfsu

Kylieanne, I encountered the same thing and told you what I did; however, it wasn't what you wanted to hear. You wanted people to say f*** etiquette which won't happen here.

LDYGTR13

I agree with Red. If you wanted to hear someone validate your breech of etiquette, the etiquette board probably wasn't the best choice. Girls told you the correct etiquette protocol. No one attacked you. You just didn't like what they had to say. Very different things. Merry Christmas to you too!

Kylieanne80

Looking for validation is not the same as looking to hear stories of shared experiencees. You gals have a different set of etiquette than I'm familiar with and I suppose the mistake I made was asking about etiquette in a predominantly american forum. It's no different than asking about table manners in a Japanese forum. Most North Americans have no idea what is considered incredibly rude at the table in an asian household and vice versa. I'm not breaching an etiquette code where I'm from, but I absolutely understand that where you gals are from, it would be. I'll be sure to refrain from posting under etiquette on this site again lest the attack dogs sic again.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_double-standard-stags-can-friends-stag-im-eloping?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bc3f2018-9ae9-4f73-8fb0-e3e70cf9bfe6Post:af6311e4-c875-4b0f-aecd-921cf3b49f62">Re: Double standard stags? Can I have friends at my stag when I'm eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Looking for validation is not the same as looking to hear stories of shared experiencees. You gals have a different set of etiquette than I'm familiar with and I suppose the mistake I made was asking about etiquette in a predominantly american forum. It's no different than asking about table manners in a Japanese forum. Most North Americans have no idea what is considered incredibly rude at the table in an asian household and vice versa. I'm not breaching an etiquette code where I'm from, but I absolutely understand that where you gals are from, it would be. I'll be sure to refrain from posting under etiquette on this site again lest the attack dogs sic again.
Posted by Kylieanne80[/QUOTE]<div>
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