Don't want to be best man. Advice?

NoneMan

I have a friend who may be getting married.

Long story short, I don't believe in marriage (a contractual relationship & an ego-based ceremony). Thus, I typically don't like to go to them unless it's immediate family (brother & sister).

Now you might be saying, "well how about the party? You got to love the bachelor party, so just go!". Well I don't like parties because people typically become morons after drinking, and I typically don't like shooting the breeze with unrelated people unless it's business related. No problem shooting the breeze, just isn't my cup-of-tea.

I know he is going to want me to be the best man though, because we've been friends since our early teens.

Being that I don't believe in marriage for the reasons above, what do you think is the best way of telling him "I don't want to go". He knows I'm not going to want to be best man, but will ask me anyways which is fine.

I'm usually blunty honest in my reasoning, but if there is a better way of conveying this message more politely, feel free to give me advice.

mica178

Does your friend know how you feel about marriage and weddings?  If so, I think a simple "Man, you know I love you, but you know how I feel about weddings" should suffice.

jemmini6

Just let him know what you told us.  I'm sure if he's been your friend for this long, he knows your views on marriage and would understand if you don't want to be involved.  Just make sure you let him know that it isn't about your friendship or anything, but just that because of your views on marriage, you don't feel comfortable attending the wedding.

firsttimersluck

If you're a blunt person and he knows you, he will know this and expect it. If you are so open about your feelings regarding marriage, then I don't see him asking you. If he does and you really want to be polite a simple,
 "I'm honored that you want me to be a part of something that is important to you, however I don't personally think marriage is something of importance and so I think you may be better off choosing someone that can really identify with the event and your feelings on this topic. I wouldn't want to disappoint or upset you, as I know that this is a big day for most."
 
plain, simple, and to the point without being brash.

jaycee7389

I would maybe bring up your feelings about weddings/marriage now in casual convo, rather than waiting until he asks you. This way maybe the awkwardness of him asking and being told no can be avoided all together.

dianemc10

If he knows you well enough, and if you've been friends since you were kids, he probably won't ask you to be BM, maybe just a groomsman. And really, all you would have to do is get measured for a tux, pick up said tux, pay for it, put it on the day of the wedding, stand near him, smile, pose for pictures and that's it. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him.

ootmother2

Standing up for a friend doesn't incicate approval or disapproval of marriage.

His your good friend so IMO, you should try to be there for him without expresing your own personal tastes

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bce35383-a515-4a87-992d-2804671ceddePost:aeded21e-2363-4894-bcdc-43f043c7d228">Re: Don't want to be best man. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]Standing up for a friend doesn't incicate approval or disapproval of marriage. His your good friend so IMO, you should try to be there for him without expresing your own personal tastes
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  Also, I think the universal characterization of marriage as a contractual relationship and an ego-based ceremony is a little harsh.  I'm not personally offended or anything, I just think you might want to be a little less broad and actually consider why your friend is getting married.  While marriage may not have significance for you, which is fine, hopefully it has some significance for your friend.  I would try to think of participating or attending his wedding as supporting his relationship and commitment rather than supporting the institution of marriage. 

Mrs.B6302007

Doesn't he already know how you feel about marriage?  If he does, hopefully he won't even ask. If he does ask just tell him you support him and his relationship with his FI but you don't participate in weddings.  Although, it wouldn't kill you to go to his wedding.  He is your good friend.

jerseydevil

But do you care about your friend? In my opinion, if you really, truly care about your friend, you would put your own ego aside and be there for him on a very important and happy day of his life. He just wants to share that with you and if he knows you feel this way, but asks you anyway then that tells you that you are such an important person to him that he'd take a shot in the dark to ask you.

jenjenaz

OK good, at first I thought I was the only one who thought 'dude, suck it up and be happy for your friend.'  I see that's not the case.

NoneMan - you may not agree with marriage and / or weddings.  I don't agree with a lot of teachings of the Catholic church, yet when my FI's nephew was being baptized, I showed up.  This isn't about YOU.  It's about HIM.  If he is such a good friend, then you should be able to put YOUR ego aside for a few hours and share in what, to him, is a very happy occasion worth celebrating.

Unless, of course, you're going to spend the entire ceremony / reception going on and on about how you don't agree with marriage, blah blah blah to anyone who will listen.  In that case, I agree.  Don't go.

Otherwise, shut up, be happy for him, and deal with a few hours of idle chit chat with people  you don't know who might be drinking too much.  Honestly, is that too much for a friend of several years to ask?  Personally, I don't think so.  You could be in a lot worse situations.

cpfwvu

Do you not even want to attend the wedding? You can certainly decline by saying something like "I'm really sorry I won't be able to make it. It's nothing personal, I just don't like attending weddings." Please don't get on a high horse and go on and on about your reasons. It's fine to have opinions and feelings about the institution of marriage, but so many anti-marriage people I've met aren't content to just have their opinions... they feel the need to self-righteously soapbox about it to everyone. Don't be that guy.

noodle_oo

Yeah, I guess I"m pretty surprised that you guys are such close friends and you don't even want to attend the wedding.  If I were him, I"d probably understand not wanting to be best man (which is totally fine) but I'd be pretty hurt you didn't even want to attend the wedding.  Afterall, this is a huge life changing event for him.  It is about celebrating him and his fiance, their love and them spending their lives together.  Are you happy for him at all?  Are you sure if you don't go you won't regret missing it?

Absolutely tell him you aren't up for being best man.  But maybe consider attending the wedding.  Not because you believe in marriage or any of that stuff.  But because he's your friend and you love him and you want be a part of such a big moment in his life.  You can even skip the ceremony and just go to the reception to have fun and celebrate with everyone.

Brandiewine11

If you don't want to be the best man, you are perfectly ok to politely decline. However, don't spew your views on marriage and put down what your friend believes is important. You are certainly entitled to your own views and no one should make you feel bad about your opinion. Likewise, you should not put down other people for theirs. Personally, I think you should support your friend, even you don't agree with him. That doesn't necessarily mean being the best man, but at least showing up and being happy for him if you're invited.

jenjenaz

anyone else thinking troll???

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bce35383-a515-4a87-992d-2804671ceddePost:586ca03f-7fe6-41c7-8741-3c1544c6a3f2">Re: Don't want to be best man. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]anyone else thinking troll???
Posted by jenjenaz[/QUOTE]

No?

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-man-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bce35383-a515-4a87-992d-2804671ceddePost:fb676348-711d-4df4-820b-6adebe5b36ad">Re: Don't want to be best man. Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Don't want to be best man. Advice? : No?
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]

Me neither.  If he wanted to make everyone jump on him about his views on marriage, he could have made up a much better backstory.  I hope he comes back to chat :)