Etiquette

Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!

HELP! My future MIL has agreed to pay for certain things - like my wedding band and the rehearsal dinner - and then said she never agreed to it. For the rehearsal dinner, she pre-set the menu, for only 12 people, and is refusing to pay for any drinks anyone may have. She is happy to let everyone pull out their own wallets if they want a glass of wine. Disclaimer: his parents are in no way lacking the ability to foot a few hundred dinner bill. She even tried to make him return my wedding band because it didn't "suit her tastes". Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? Thanks!

-M

Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!

  • Thanks, but we'll take care of it.

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  • It sounds like there is some serious miscommunication going on. Is your FMIL the type of person who says she is going to do something and then backs out? It sure sounds like it from your post, so at this point I think it would be best if you and your FI tell her no thank you for any help or money she may offer and pay for it yourselves. That way there are no strings attached and you won't have any more arguments and disagreements with her.
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  • I would plan as if she wasn't paying for anything, then if she does come through for something it's like a bonus.  Don't base your budget on anything she "promises" to.  Make sure you can afford it even if she doesn't pay.

  • Thank you all for your responses! You all said what I have been thinking... It'll be a nice surprise if she does follow through, but don't expect it or ACCEPT it lol. We can definitely afford the things she had initially agreed to pay for, but it was a bummer when you're expecting to not have to pay out of pocket. Thanks again everyone!

    -M
  • Don't plan on having her money until you have it in your hands.  And don't ask her about the money she promised before.  You'll be happier in the long run.
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  • I agree with the others. Her help is not worth the headache.
  • You're correct, forgo her craziness and take care of it yourself. Your blood pressure will thank you
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:48b1dcee-dc10-45b7-9bb9-90f51ead93ce">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks, but we'll take care of it. Make it your mantra. 
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    Agreed.  This will save your sanity during this process and for decades to come.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She also has to remember this:   no pay = no say.  

    You don't have to tell her anything from now on, and you don't have to take anything she wants or suggests into consideration.  You can tell her when and where to show up, but beyond that, there is no reason for her to know anything you do.  Doesn't matter if she does or doesn't like anything.  If you're paying, you're getting final say, and her opinion doesn't matter.
  • You FMIL was going to pay for your wedding band????  If you and your FI cannot afford your wedding band then either don't have wedding bands or don't get married yet.  It's not your birthday or Christmas where she might/should give you a gift. This is YOUR wedding to your FI. She should not be paying for your wedding bands. Are you a couple of teenagers or are you adults? 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:5d067bf6-466d-4851-977b-ad97bcc2a5d6">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You FMIL was going to pay for your wedding band????  If you and your FI cannot afford your wedding band then either don't have wedding bands or don't get married yet.  It's not your birthday or Christmas where she might/should give you a gift. This is YOUR wedding to your FI. She should not be paying for your wedding bands. Are you a couple of teenagers or are you adults? 
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]


    She never said that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:5d067bf6-466d-4851-977b-ad97bcc2a5d6">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You FMIL was going to pay for your wedding band????  If you and your FI cannot afford your wedding band then either don't have wedding bands or don't get married yet.  It's not your birthday or Christmas where she might/should give you a gift. This is YOUR wedding to your FI. She should not be paying for your wedding bands. Are you a couple of teenagers or are you adults? 
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    She said they could afford to pay for both the wedding band and the RD.  But FMIL said she wanted to do it, so they subtracted that as an expense that they expected to pay.

    OP, I agree with PP; pay for both yourself.  That way you can have things the way YOU want.  Do you really want her to have a say in the wedding band that you will be wearing for the rest of your life?  GL, and I hope the situation works itself out.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:52cf5d8a-848a-45f3-b1b5-db1e757ba4f9">Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]HELP! My future MIL has agreed to pay for certain things - like my wedding band and the rehearsal dinner - and then said she never agreed to it. For the rehearsal dinner, she pre-set the menu, for only 12 people, and is refusing to pay for any drinks anyone may have. She is happy to let everyone pull out their own wallets if they want a glass of wine. Disclaimer: his parents are in no way lacking the ability to foot a few hundred dinner bill. She even tried to make him return my wedding band because it didn't "suit her tastes". Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? Thanks! -M
    Posted by rmb646[/QUOTE]

    So what if they <em>can</em> pay? Its pretty selfish to expect people to help you just because they have the ability to. But if they already offered to, then that's different. But I agree with PP on there being some serious miscomunication. Yet it seems as if your MIL<em> is</em> paying for the RD, just not the drinks. You know, some people just aren't cool with paying for other people's alcohol. My FMIL doesn't drink ever, so asking her to foot a bill with alcohol on it would be very rude of me, since she's very much against inebriation.

    On a side note, she sounds like my FMIL. She has refused to pay for anything in our wedding (told us this right after we told her we were engaged) because no one helped her pay for hers. Do I think that's a lame excuse? Yes. Am I pretty sure she will pay for everything in FI sister's wedding (whenever that willl be)? Of course she will. Am I offended? Nope. Is this all within her rights? Yep. No one has to pay for your wedding, I'm just lucky my parents are helping me out. But even if they weren't, well, I'm perfectly fine with going to the courthouse (we'd probably get married sooner). Oh, my FMIL was really angry when she found out how much FI spent on my ER, and wanted him to take it back. Lame.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:52cf5d8a-848a-45f3-b1b5-db1e757ba4f9">Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]HELP! My future MIL has agreed to pay for certain things - like my wedding band and the rehearsal dinner - and then said she never agreed to it. For the rehearsal dinner, she pre-set the menu, for only 12 people, and is refusing to pay for any drinks anyone may have. She is happy to let everyone pull out their own wallets if they want a glass of wine. Disclaimer: his parents are in no way lacking the ability to foot a few hundred dinner bill. She even tried to make him return my wedding band because it didn't "suit her tastes". <strong>Am I better off just foregoing any and all future assistance she may "offer" because it's going to be more of a headache, or should we address the issue when she tries to back out of things she already agreed to help on? </strong>Thanks! -M
    Posted by rmb646[/QUOTE]

    No one is obligated to pay for anything.  I sensed a bit of entitlement in your post.  If she is going back on her word, that is truly dissapointing as wedding costs are expensive as it is and its nice to have help, but now that you know she isn't holding up to what she said, proceed as if you are paying for it. This isn't worth the headache.  As adults engaged couples should be ok with paying for our own weddings.  No one asked us to get engaged, we decided that for ourselves.
  • okay wow there is some dagger throwing going on in this thread. anyway in response to the original post. It sounds like your FMIL wants total control ovr things she is willing to pay for and when she doesn't get that control she "forgets" that she agreed to pay or everything. if you are willing and able to pay for those things she originally said she would, go ahead and do it. It sounds like it is not worth the headache of trying to maintain control over YOUR wedding! GL and i hope you have a wonderful wedding!
  • <div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:28afa158-0da4-4bf9-8b50-54eb08316bea">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]okay wow there is some dagger throwing going on in this thread. 
    Posted by whiterose87[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Wow, Thank you. Seriously, ladies.</div><div>
    </div><div>To address the snide comments about "not being adults" - thank you to those of you that actually read my post. We CAN afford our wedding bands own our own. My father is paying for the wedding, solely, per tradition, and he's more than happy to do so. My FMIL asked both my fiance and I many many times what she could pay for or help with, and I even passed that message on to my dad, who graciously declined. She continued to ask so my fiance suggested the bands, and she said ok. She did try to have my fiance return it, and he was really upset by that as was I, but I will never be so crass to say as much to her.</div><div>
    </div><div>As far as being entitled - again, we can afford all of these things on our own, and the things we can't, we aren't having or doing. I NEVER said or believe that I EXPECT her to pay for anything. Like someone else said, she offered...and offered and offered and offered, and when something was suggested, she said "Sure!" I was simply mentioning her financial situation because if someone really wanted to help but was in a financial hard spot, not only would I NOT be upset at all, but I'd also suggest something less expensive. The first four times she asked me, directly, what she could pay for, I graciously declined every offer. When my fiance finally said, "My mom really wants to help," we decided to brainstorm, since my father had declined any assistance. </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm really appalled I have to be on here defending myself when I just needed a little advice. To those of you that gave your kind two cents and kind words - thank you. For those of you making nasty comments - please refrain. Also, search "Wedding Etiquette - Who Pays For What" on theknot.com. Traditionally, the groom AND/OR groom's<em>family</em> pays for both of my rings, and to shield myself from more nasty comments - my fiance purchased my engagement ring and also my wedding band due to the circumstances I was asking for advice on with his mother. The only thing my fiance and I wanted was to get married. We were going to the courthouse because neither of us wanted a full blown wedding. Both my parents wanted different, and they are paying for it, so that's fine. It's not as intimate as we had wanted it, but very kind of my father to be taking care of it. </div><div>
    </div><div>Please, have a little tact ladies.</div></div>
  • Also, regarding the comment about the RD and drink situation: I quite literally never drink. But I would never be so rude or presumptuous to throw a dinner party and not accommodate my guests. Not only is it rude and inconvenient for the guests, but incredibly complicated for the waitstaff. You would not invite people to your home and only offer them, say, Sprite, would you?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:85cc8e6b-e37c-4e81-94f7-86bf5c226311">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, regarding the comment about the RD and drink situation: I quite literally never drink. But I would never be so rude or presumptuous to throw a dinner party and not accommodate my guests. Not only is it rude and inconvenient for the guests, but incredibly complicated for the waitstaff. You would not invite people to your home and only offer them, say, Sprite, would you?
    Posted by rmb646[/QUOTE]

    I must have missed the post where someone condoned only partially hosting your guests.  You're at the anti-cash bar capital of the internet right now...you'll have a hard time finding anyone here who thinks this would be okay.  The advice you got was to decline her help and pay for it yourself if you don't like what she is offering, and it is valid.  It's great that your dad isn't attaching as many strings to his money as your MIL is to hers.  If she wants to host a cash bar at your RD and you don't like that idea (and good for you for not liking it) then host it yourselves.  That's valid advice, and it's the best you're going to get.  What other options do you have?
    a) Let her pay for what she is willing to pay for, and accept that her money=her plans
    b) Pay for it yourselves and have it the way that you want it
    Is there a mysterious option c somewhere? 

    Oh, and nobody threw daggers at you.  Calm the eff down. 
  • My MIL paid for quite a few things.  She must love me more than yours loves you.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:5d067bf6-466d-4851-977b-ad97bcc2a5d6">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You FMIL was going to pay for your wedding band????  If you and your FI cannot afford your wedding band then either don't have wedding bands or don't get married yet.  It's not your birthday or Christmas where she might/should give you a gift. This is YOUR wedding to your FI. She should not be paying for your wedding bands. Are you a couple of teenagers or are you adults? 
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    What an incredibly rude and unnecessary thing to say. She specifically said that they CAN afford it, it's just the principle that her FMIL OFFERED and then backed out. She also didn't say that she was PAYING for the wedding bands, she just said that FMIL wanted it returned because she didn't like it, which is crazy. She didn't ask for anyone's opinion on her finances. I don't understand who these snarky brides think they are helping when they make comments like that. I certainly hope it makes them feel better about whatever is going on in their wedding planning that draws out such negativity.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:e358d439-c2f9-4de4-9922-e7b759f78f5f">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything! : What an incredibly rude and unnecessary thing to say. She specifically said that they CAN afford it, it's just the principle that her FMIL OFFERED and then backed out. She also didn't say that she was PAYING for the wedding bands, she just said that FMIL wanted it returned because she didn't like it, which is crazy. She didn't ask for anyone's opinion on her finances. I don't understand who these snarky brides think they are helping when they make comments like that. I certainly hope it makes them feel better about whatever is going on in their wedding planning that draws out such negativity.
    Posted by JessicaE84[/QUOTE]

    Her OP says nothing about being able to afford it themselves.  Her OP says that her MIL was paying for these things, and she wasn't happy with what her MIL was doing.  People can only respond based upon the information provided. 

    Thanks for resizing your sig pic...it's much better now.  Did you have to climb that tree, or did you get to that limb from the roof? 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:d79e3c8f-21ca-42a8-ad89-db2c23cf26d3">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything! : Her OP says nothing about being able to afford it themselves.  Her OP says that her MIL was paying for these things, and she wasn't happy with what her MIL was doing.  People can only respond based upon the information provided.  Thanks for resizing your sig pic...it's much better now. <strong> Did you have to climb that tree, or did you get to that limb from the roof? 
    </strong>Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    My FI is 6'4" and the photographer is a couple inches taller, so the photographer helped FI  up and then hoisted me up and FI pulled me the rest of the way. I love the picture and I'm so glad it was worth it because I am terrified of heights, I was a wreck while we were taking it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:5d067bf6-466d-4851-977b-ad97bcc2a5d6">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You FMIL was going to pay for your wedding band????  If you and your FI cannot afford your wedding band then either don't have wedding bands or don't get married yet.  It's not your birthday or Christmas where she might/should give you a gift. This is YOUR wedding to your FI. She should not be paying for your wedding bands. Are you a couple of teenagers or are you adults? 
    Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

    Shut it, Skippy.  You sound like a condensending priss.

    I don't think she was being entitled at all.  And yeah, I do think some folks came rolling up in here all "ZOMG nobody HAZ to PAY."  She never said that.  She said her FMIL said she would pay for something, and then backed out, and asked for advice on what to do.  I'm not going to lie, I'd also be kind of disappointed if someone told me they were going to do something and then they didn't without a good reason (and trying to get her son to change the wedding band for his wife because it doesn't suit his mother's taste screams "OVERBEARING MOMMA ALERT" to me.)  And I read the "they can afford it" as "this isn't happening because of finances or something logical".  Seriously.  It seems like whenever someone asks a question about their parents paying SOMEBODY is always "You should be able to PAY for your own WEDDING."  I should be able to pay for my own Kindle, but that doesn't mean I'm going to refuse the one my mom's getting me for Christmas.  Stop hating.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_future-mil-doesnt-want-pay-anything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9cc59b6-8976-43cb-9d96-d69f6cfcdafdPost:3414b981-f528-4dc6-8621-59e4e57b811c">Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future MIL doesn't want to pay for anything! : The advice you got was to decline her help and pay for it yourself if you don't like what she is offering, and it is valid.[/QUOTE]



    I agree, and that's precisely what we are doing - paying for it ourselves. However, first I was just trying to ask how I should proceed, and also if it was WAY out of the realm of rationality to be a little upset about everything going on.

    And if you find some of the rude comments posted in response acceptable, good for you; you're obviously far more lenient than I.
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