Etiquette

Second cousin wants to go in place of my dad's cousins?

I invited my dad's cousin and her husband, and they sent back the RSVP to indicate they were not coming.  Now her son has gotten in contact with my cousin (no idea why he called my cousin instead of, you know, me or my parents) to say that he wants to come in their place?  I can't use the "budget/venue restrictions will not allow me to accommodate extra guests" line because his parents RSVP'd no and he wants to go *instead* of them.  What can I do?

Re: Second cousin wants to go in place of my dad's cousins?

  • Wow how inappropriate!  Especially going through a third party!  How rude.

    Is there a reason you don't want your cousin at the wedding?
  • If I'm guessing correctly that you found out about this because the cousin they contacted asked you if it would be ok, I'd just ask that cousin to say that he/she doesn't know anything about your guest list. If they want to do this, they can be grown ups and talk to you directly.
  • First of all, I have met this second cousin once or twice in my life.  Secondly, if I invited every single person to that degree of separation the wedding would have a ludicrous number of guests.  So do I just tell him I can't play favourites and if I let him come it opens a can of worms for everyone else in his position to insert themselves?
  • How close are you to the RSVP date?  Can you use the excuse that you have already contacted your caterer with the final numbers and that final payments have already been made?
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • I still have some time yet before I have to inform the caterers about the final numbers, unfortunately.  I am just worried about the precedent that this sets, and it might lead to who knows how many other people calling family members and asking them if they can come because they know so-and-so said they weren't coming.
  • Your guests have invites already for an August 21 wedding?  Is it a DW?
    I guess you'll just have to tell him that your guest list is finalized and you're sorry but you can't extend the invite to him.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • It is not really a "destination wedding" in terms of tropical holiday vacation type thing, but most of the guests will be coming on from out of town because they all live all over the place.  Also, I know etiquette says no, but there is a B-list.  My parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding, and AFTER they agreed on the venue and we had left deposits, they started being really unreasonable about the guest list and wanted to invite way more guests than the venue would hold, so the only way I could make them happy was to agree to see how many people said no among the closer family and then invite the ones I could fit from their extra list.  Yes, I understand a B-list is totally against etiquette.  I don't want to focus on that issue here, though, so I'm hoping we can stay on topic.
  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited May 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-cousin-wants-place-of-dads-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7f485ad-73e8-46b4-b3db-facbeb0c02fbPost:2bbef8e3-cded-49c9-a77b-0faf3cbfe5b9">Re: Second cousin wants to go in place of my dad's cousins?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It is not really a "destination wedding" in terms of tropical holiday vacation type thing, but most of the guests will be coming on from out of town because they all live all over the place.  Also, I know etiquette says no, but there is a B-list.  My parents are paying for a significant portion of the wedding, and AFTER they agreed on the venue and we had left deposits, they started being really unreasonable about the guest list and wanted to invite way more guests than the venue would hold, so the only way I could make them happy was to agree to see how many people said no among the closer family and then invite the ones I could fit from their extra list.  Yes, I understand a B-list is totally against etiquette.  I don't want to focus on that issue here, though, so I'm hoping we can stay on topic.
    Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]
    I just hope it doesn't blow up in your face but it sounds like it already is with this cousin.  People know that early RSVPs means B lists and the cousin might not let it go when you tell him no.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • Even if he knows there is a B-list, I don't understand why that would make him feel more entitled to invite himself.
  • I agree. It's rude of him to do that. I'm just saying that when you tell him no, you're likely to get some argument becuase of the B list situation.  You're not going to be able to use an excuse like "the list is finalized" or anything like that because he's going to know it's not.  It just means you're going to have to be really up front and tell him that he wasn't on the guest list and that the invite was for his parents.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • We had a similar situation where my cousin wanted to bring his mother in law because his mother couldn't come. Difference was that we had actually invited my cousin with his wife.

    I would tell him that you're sorry but you just can't accomodate him. I didn't go into any detail but just said we couldn't do it. When he asked a second time I was much more abrupt and just said no again. I understand where you are coming from with opening a can of worms by inviting him but not your other second cousins so I would just say no and leave it at that.
  • We had a similar situation where my cousin wanted to bring his mother in law because his mother couldn't come. Difference was that we had actually invited my cousin with his wife.

    I would tell him that you're sorry but you just can't accomodate him. I didn't go into any detail but just said we couldn't do it. When he asked a second time I was much more abrupt and just said no again. I understand where you are coming from with opening a can of worms by inviting him but not your other second cousins so I would just say no and leave it at that.
  • Maybe you can say that his parents seats were already filled with other guests you were unable to invite due to the hall limitations?

    It might sound kinda rude but he was rude to ask in the first place.


  • Going through my guest list more thoroughly it looks like the only other person in the same situation as him is his sister.  Maybe I should just cave and let him come.
  • I don't know why people think this is okay just because it's a wedding. It's not like a concert where you get a ticket and can just send someone in your place. I can't even imagine someone doing this at a birthday party or similar event.

    I would wait for him to contact you directly, and perhaps send that message through the middle man like PP mentioned. It may not be worth the fight (that's really up to you), but I'd make him have the guts to be rude to my face first.
  • Yeah, I did let my cousin know to tell him that he should call me directly to ask about it.
  • A coworker did this to me, but she asked me directly. She said her husband probably wouldn't want to come so could she bring her daughter instead? Thankfully, I have met her daughter many times and really do enjoy her company so I said yes. If someone else asked me I would state that I apologize, we are trying to keep our guest list limited to those most close to us.
  • You mentioned that he was a second cousin who you had only met a few times correct? Are there other second cousins who you also did not invite? If so, I would simply tell him that due to budget you made the decision to not invite any of your second cousins. Yes his parents RSVPing no did open up a space, but it did not open up a space for all of your second cousins.
    September 2011 November Siggy Challenge: First Dance Photo (I still haven't uploaded all of my wedding pictures, so here's a picture of what happens when you mix me, my bridesmaids, a man who hates to dance, and an open bar). imageimage

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-cousin-wants-place-of-dads-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f7f485ad-73e8-46b4-b3db-facbeb0c02fbPost:4ecc9a79-2a77-4f90-8866-1c212134b6f2">Re: Second cousin wants to go in place of my dad's cousins?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You mentioned that he was a second cousin who you had only met a few times correct? Are there other second cousins who you also did not invite? If so, I would simply tell him that due to budget you made the decision to not invite any of your second cousins. Yes his parents RSVPing no did open up a space, but it did not open up a space for all of your second cousins.
    Posted by dawnmarie0627[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is the route that I was going to go until I realized that most of the second cousins who I didn't invite were children of some of my dad's cousins who he did not want to invite.  My family is way too big and complicated. :(</div><div>
    </div><div>I think in this case I will allow him to come as a representative of his parents, who could not make it, because there is no one else in the position to use this as a way to try to insert themselves into the guest list.</div>
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Tell them no.
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