He wants to get married in a church.. I don't..

tandrosoff

I need some help/advice.. I will try to keep this short but I'm not sure how well that will work..

My fiancee wants to get married in a church and I don't. I was baptized Ukrainian Catholic, he was baptized Roman Catholic. We both attended catholic elementry school & highschool. We both attended the same church during that time. When we first got engaged, I called the church to book it. The coordinator gave us a bit of hassle because we don't live in the city anymore (we live outside of it). We fixed that problem by registering with the church. Last night we had our first church meeting with the coordinator and the priest. There's a few things I have to do paperwork wise because I'm baptized Ukrainian Catholic & getting married in a Roman Catholic church.

Our meeting with the priest was okay.. he really pushes the fact of having marriage prep through the church (which is a 9 week, once a week course) vs. a weekend course offered else wheres. He also made comments about how God had brought us together, and if he wasn't for him, we wouldn't be getting married, getting engaged was a God factor.. things I just don't agree with.

My fiancee & I don't go to church.. we don't pray.. we're not athiest.. yes we attended catholic schools but our lifestyle doesn't involve religion.. I don't want to get married in a church because I don't agree or like the way they push things on you. I didn't like how they treated us in the beginning, I don't believe in doing something that feels forced or uncomfortable. I don't have the same feelings towards the church as I did growing up. My fiancee hasn't really expressed why he wants to get married in a church other then he just wants to.

I want to get married by someone who supports our decision in getting married & becoming husband and wife.. I don't want to be married by someone that their reason is God and our faith is the reason we're together, etc.. I don't agree with that.

What do I do if him and I can't get on the same page? I don't want to force him into doing something he doesn't want to do.. and I don't want to be forced either. I need to talk to him about my feelings & I want to hear his..

Anyone else going through the same thing? How did you make a decision?

[Deleted User]

Would you be opposed to getting married in a non denominational church? Or is FI set in getting married in a Catholic Church?

MamaBear904

I come from a similar background, raised Catholic, but I dont really practice now. Start off by talking with FI and tell him about the things that are making you increasigly uncomfortable with the idea. Do you intend to maybe oneday have kids? Would you want them to be baptized into the faith? Choosing not to marry in church (as crazy as it sounds) now may bite you later. I have made a concious choice not to marry in a church and both FI and I are ok with that. If FI is persistent, maybe give it a little (not much) time and bring it back up? Im not sure. Im sorry I don't have better news.

ameliah19

I also grew up catholic and no longer am a practicing catholic and knew always that I did not want to get married in the church. I think for some people church weddings are great but for me I didn't want to pretend that I am really religious (FI was raised presbyterian and also no longer is a practicing presbyterian) and have this religious wedding when I am super conflicted (and really don't believe) in organized religion. BTW we didn't have issues with this. FI and I knew right away we did not want a church wedding. 

I think a non-denomeniational church isn't a bad idea (it could be half way for you and FI) but I just don't get why it is so important for your FI when he doesn't practice his religion...you really need to sit down and tell him exactly what you said here. If he has ligitmate reasons for wanting a church wedding toy with the idea of a non-denomeniational wedding. I would also maybe have pictures or articles about weddings that aren't in churches so he can get an idea of what a wedding looks like that is not in a church. 

Krikin22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2013-weddings_he-wants-to-get-married-in-a-church-i-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:ea657a87-d1dc-4588-999f-31c9deeef720Discussion:efa35723-8f97-4956-bf04-ea5c537c3fa9Post:76abf854-9152-4fce-a710-654c29b6cd69">Re: He wants to get married in a church.. I don't..</a>:
[QUOTE]I also grew up catholic and no longer am a practicing catholic and knew always that I did not want to get married in the church. I think for some people church weddings are great but for me I didn't want to pretend that I am really religious (FI was raised presbyterian and also no longer is a practicing presbyterian) and have this religious wedding when I am super conflicted (and really don't believe) in organized religion. BTW we didn't have issues with this. FI and I knew right away we did not want a church wedding.  I think a non-denomeniational church isn't a bad idea (it could be half way for you and FI) but I just don't get why it is so important for your FI when he doesn't practice his religion...<strong>you really need to sit down and tell him exactly what you said here. If he has ligitmate reasons for wanting a church wedding toy with the idea of a non-denomeniational wedding. I would also maybe have pictures or articles about weddings that aren't in churches so he can get an idea of what a wedding looks like that is not in a church. 
</strong>Posted by ameliah19[/QUOTE]


This. FI and I are not religous so this wasn't really an issue with us. But FMIL is pretty upset about it.

melb2013

I used to work for an ex-nun turned author.  She wrote about her experiences working with Mother Teresa, the Church, and her decisions to leave, etc.  Most of her readers were people raised Catholic, but who no longer believed in the Church and didn't particularly wish to practice.  This is a long way of saying that I got to hear from a lot of people on how they handle being Catholic without strictly observing.

Some people told me that they hired an ex-priest to officiate a ceremony outside of a church.  This way they could have a non-church wedding, but still have a Catholic ceremony.  The Catholic Church does recognize these marriages since an priest can never truly become and ex-priest.  Have you thought about this as a compromise?

jenniferbrito

What we decided to do since we to were both raised catholic but we do not want to get married in a churhc, we hired a catholic bishop who can inlcude som eof the cathoic tradtions into our out side wedding that will be at a golf course, so that we can have the best of both worlds.

Ggoughen

We were both also raised (very) catholic but no longer practice. The catholic religion is such a big part of my family and upbringing it'svery hard to avoid getting married in the church. Also, it's possible my grandmother disowns me and I'm just not interested in starting that fight. We are getting married in the church my parents were married in ( not our parish) by a priest who is a family friend. We will not be having a full mass, only a marriage ceremony. I had a friend who recently struggled with something similar to you and it came down to regret. She decided Iin the end she would regret not getting married in the church someday so went ahead with it.

Sundaylou

You need to sit down with your FI and find out why he is so adamant on getting married in the church. It is possible that he has felt pressure from his family and he doesn't want to disappoint them. Also, lay out why you feel uncomfortable with it and maybe you can find a compromise. A lot of the girls pointed out ways you could compromise. Marriage is all about compromise and it looks like this is where you have to start. I really hope that you are able to work this out easily and soon! Keep us posted!

SSaltzman87

Yeah I'd for sure talk to your FI about this. FI and I aren't religious at all and our families are cool with us not having a religious ceremony.

I also agree that maybe a non-denominational minister may be the right way to go so you can include things you want and cut out the stuff you don't want. There are still A LOT of churches that haven't evolved and the stuff you mentioned would make me feel incredibly uneasy too.

charbakes

I personally couldn't ever imagine being forced into getting married in a church. It's just not right for me, and it's a little offensive, imho. All of your reasons are very valid ones, but it's important to respect FIs. Neither one of your should have to compromise your beliefs.

It might be worth looking around your area, because there can be some very liberal Catholic priests who are very un-pushy, and you might have one in your area. You could also find a compromise, like getting married outdoors by a priest, or have another non-religious co-officiant to work with him. You could also look for a former priest, as they will usually disagree with the institutionalization of the church. You can also look for a Unitarian or Secular Humanist church. There are lots of optioins, you just need to find something you can both agree on.