NER-My mother **long**

baxterdreamer

Or maybe it is?  Nevertheless, I lurk this board daily and love the posters!  I'm wanting your view on my current situation.

Over the past 20 years my mother and I have experienced many highs and lows in our relationship.  We are at the lowest point we've ever been.  She married a horrible monster when I was 8, divorced him when I was 18 then remarried him when I was 20.  She separated from him after he attacked me.  My mother swore she was done with him.

I'm now 27 and somehow she never divorced SF.  They are together again and I told her I could no longer speak to her.  She has tried several different ways to figure out when and where I will get married.  My family will not divulge (per my request), most have also cut off contact.  Some have asked me several times if I still want her at the wedding.  That maybe down the road she will "wake up" and I will regret her not being there.  I do not agree.

What would you do?

daffydillie

Not invite her and hire security.

I am in a very similiar situation. I regret inviting my mother to my first wedding and was way more drama than its worth. She started the same kind of crap with her jerk husband and my brother and I did not even bother inviting them.

All it will lead is to stress, heartache, and drama.

It is not worth it at all.

kmmssg

I am a MOB with some family members who are toxic.  Your mom and stepdad are toxic.  You will NOT regret not having them there.  To those who ask you if you will regret not having her there if she ever wakes up?  Why are they asking the victim to make huge concessions just in case when this woman knew the cost of staying with your horrible stepfather.  You wont regret setting these boundaries now.  Even if she does wake up, the regret would be on her end, not yours.

Please do heed Leighbe87's advice regarding churches.  They are open to the public and as a house of worship will not deny entry to your mother.  If you are getting married in a church I would call them asap and talk to the Pastor about what, if anything, can be done.

Also agree - do not invite her and hire security.  Even if you have to eat a lot Ramen noodles to afford it.

These are very healthy boundaries you are setting and you are very wise to be firm with them.  Have you spoken to all of your vendors to make sure they do not speak to her or give her any information?  All of my girls have gotten married in our state's capital city and it wouldn't take me long to call the popular caterers and venues to find out where a wedding was being held if I was patient enough.

Again, good for your for setting these boundaries and get some security in place!

Djinxs

I ended up not inviting my dad, but I did invite my grandmother. I knew if he asked, she was going to tell him anything about the wedding. I was terrified that he would crash and make a huge scene and ruin everything. To the point where I started seeing a therapist a few months before the wedding.

My mum hired security, which was the biggest weight off my mind. Be sure any security or coordinators have pictures so they can identify her if she tries to crash. Having a set plan and a backup plan in place will help get rid of some of the stress. It helps knowing something will be done and everything is taken care of.

Also by appointing security or coordinators to deal with anything, YOU don't have to be stressing about having to do something yourself. You can just relax, not think about it, and have the best wedding ever.

OliveOilsMom

PP have given great advice already.  I would just add that it seems you are inviting your mom's siblings/cousins, since your mom is trying to get wedding info from them?  If so, perhaps ask one of them to let it be known to your mom that you will be having security at your wedding in the event she tries to crash.  That she would be escorted off the property and if necessary, the police will be called.  If you hire security, they will be the ones who deal with it and you probably won't even know anything has gone on, if it does.

Good luck to you!  You are doing whats best for you!

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:60044659-07c1-416d-808c-6a8c7fd034d5Post:672572b8-ed93-41da-9296-51d54e1dd0a0">Re: NER-My mother **long**</a>:
[QUOTE]PP have given great advice already.  I would just add that it seems you are inviting your mom's siblings/cousins, since your mom is trying to get wedding info from them?  If so, perhaps ask one of them to let it be known to your mom that you will be having security at your wedding in the event she tries to crash.  That she would be escorted off the property and if necessary, the police will be called.  If you hire security, they will be the ones who deal with it and you probably won't even know anything has gone on, if it does. Good luck to you!  You are doing whats best for you!
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]



I agree with this.

MuppetFan

You are doing everything right. It's unacceptable that she is with someone who harmed you and you are 100% right to remove her from your life as a result. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that is.

Your wedding day is a big deal, but even if you are able to reconcile at some point, you don't want your wedding to be the forum for that. If she leaves him, that will be a big deal all by itself.

I agree with security, but if you don't plan to have it, I would tell people in her family that it will be there and that police have been called so that spreads to her.

I am so sorry that you and that the other posters have to deal with this.

kerbohl

I also am sorry to hear that so many people have had to put up with behaviour like this. 
I think you are completely correct to not invite your mother to this, and you shouldn't feel pressured by anyone else to make amends.  This is your wedding day, and you should do what is in your best interest, and unfortunately in this case it would be not having your mother come.  I am very sorry that you have to make this hard decision, but I think you have made the right one. 

baxterdreamer

I appreciate the outpour of support!! Thankfully, my FI and my family have been amazing. My aunts, her sisters!, are helping me plan everything. We are having the wedding on my best friend's land, so that solves that. I never even thought about a church like that!! My brothers are also extremely supportive, one is walking me down the aisle! I am terribly sad about my mother. My FI met her before all of this happened and it still boggles his mind. He knows it's a struggle for me and reminds me why I am right.