Questionable bridesmaid

Lauritav · March 2013

The other day I had a bridesmaid tell me the only reason she is coming to my wedding is because she is in it, and that she saw no point to come if she wasnt a BM. At this point I haven't said anything to her yet. How would you handle this situation?

AddieCake · March 2013

I'm a little confused. If you asked this person to be a bridesmaid, I must assume she is a good friend. She doesn't sound very supportive. Is this the first time she has been so dismissive of your relationship and upcoming marriage? I wouldn't do anything but make sure she has the info she needs about when, where, and what to wear.

Lauritav · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:63ca9a13-6c87-4c40-91d9-f82487d914d0">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a little confused. If you asked this person to be a bridesmaid, I must assume she is a good friend. She doesn't sound very supportive. Is this the first time she has been so dismissive of your relationship and upcoming marriage? I wouldn't do anything but make sure she has the info she needs about when, where, and what to wear.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

Lately shes been acting not herself and a tad crazy. For some reason she has been starting fights with other bridesmaids as well and has been stressing me out

MyNameIsNot · March 2013

How did you respond? My initial response would have been something along the lines of "wow, that really hurts my feelings!" But now that it's passed, there's really no point to bringing it up.

If she mentions it again, I would not hesitate to point out how hurtful comments like that are. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I would assume that her comment is directed more at weddings in general that at your particular wedding.

Lauritav · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:e9e2de37-c7e3-4eb1-a5e5-efd927f25caf">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]How did you respond? My initial response would have been something along the lines of "wow, that really hurts my feelings!" But now that it's passed, there's really no point to bringing it up. If she mentions it again, I would not hesitate to point out how hurtful comments like that are. Without knowing the details of your relationship, I would assume that her comment is directed more at weddings in general that at your particular wedding.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

At the point when she told me i was just in shock and couldn't say anything!!

Lauritav · March 2013

I should also add within that convo she dropped out but then contacted me the next day leaving a voicemail saying she is back in the wedding.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:0c3be7c3-4eb2-46b9-af26-f2a194c1e764">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questionable bridesmaid : She probably has something going on in her life that you and the other girls don't know about or maybe your wedding is bring up issues she's had in the past. I wouldn't press the issue at all.
Posted by missax[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This, very much this. There is definitely something bad going on in her life, and she's lashing out. I would suspect it's something to do with relationships, since she's focusing on the wedding being a negative thing that she would only go to out of duty.</div><div>
</div><div>Just my 2 cents. Talk to her, leave any wedding talk about of it. Try to focus on her. I would put a lot of money on the fact that your conversations recently have been focused on you and your wedding.</div>

mlg78 · March 2013

I agree -- there's more going on. Be a good friend and avoid wedding talk for a long time. Focus on her...

Weezy56 · March 2013

That would definitely rub me the wrong way as well, but I wouldn't bring it up. I agree with PPs that she is probably struggling with something and it could be the reason she is acting this way. I would just keep any wedding talk to a minimum

jennyd412 · March 2013

Is there more to this story that you aren't telling us? It seems like a strange comment for someone to make without something happening beforehand. I agree that she might be struggling with something else. However, it doesn't mean that you need to tiptoe around her. If she said something like this without an argument/issue leading up to it, it's okay to tell her truthfully that she hurt your feelings. No matter what is going on in anybody's life, mean/rude comments are not justifiable. Often people who make hurtful comments are struggling, but its not helping her or your relationship with her to pretend this comment didn't happen.

julie650 · March 2013

Personally, I wouldn't ignore it. If she is so unstable and seemingly erratic, who's to say that it won't peak when the big day comes around? Maybe you should give her a call and ask her to meet you for lunch/coffee to talk. When you meet, you can tell her how hurt you are and how you want to understand where this hostility is coming from and if there is anything you can do to help her. If you can't get this figured out or if she is completely uncooperative, I would suggest that maybe being in your wedding isn't the best idea since it could be stressful for both parties on the day, not a stress that you need added to your plate or anyone else that may be affected indirectly. She may be angry at you but it doesn't sound like this is a quality relationship to begin with. There's also a difference between not wanting to hurt someone in your party's feelings and letting them walk all over you with hurtful words...just inexcusable. You wouldnt let someone be blatantly rude to you in other situations would you? Why should this situation be any different?

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:3673bea3-648d-4661-8a3b-e3c3fe7d60a1">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I wouldn't ignore it. If she is so unstable and seemingly erratic, who's to say that it won't peak when the big day comes around? Maybe you should give her a call and ask her to meet you for lunch/coffee to talk. When you meet, you can tell her how hurt you are and how you want to understand where this hostility is coming from and if there is anything you can do to help her. If you can't get this figured out or if she is completely uncooperative, I would suggest that maybe being in your wedding isn't the best idea since it could be stressful for both parties on the day, not a stress that you need added to your plate or anyone else that may be affected indirectly. She may be angry at you but it doesn't sound like this is a quality relationship to begin with. There's also a difference between not wanting to hurt someone in your party's feelings and letting them walk all over you with hurtful words...just inexcusable. You wouldnt let someone be blatantly rude to you in other situations would you? Why should this situation be any different?
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]

Unless you are ready to perminently end your relationship with this girl, do not follow this advice. It seems like your friend has something going on in her life. Your wedding is a single day. Be a good friend and focus on what might be going on to make her act so erratic. Don't just focus on how "OMG she could upset the delicate balance of YOUR day."

aquari0216 · March 2013

Im sorry but if she had no problem being that offensive then, u cant predict the future....see if being the good friend to her I hope you are, straightens it out and u find out why she stated it.....but Im all for kicking someone out of your wedding party when made clear they arent interested and their presence causes un solicited stress.....ive seen it done and it was warranted....on the flip side...maybe she's really going through a rough patch

julie650 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:c7006aca-c0c5-4b5b-97ee-166d18897336">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questionable bridesmaid : Unless you are ready to perminently end your relationship with this girl, do not follow this advice. It seems like your friend has something going on in her life. Your wedding is a single day. Be a good friend and focus on what might be going on to make her act so erratic. Don't just focus on how "OMG she could upset the delicate balance of YOUR day."
Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]

You're that desperate for friends that you keep people in your life that say blatantly rude and hurtful things? This blows my mind. Especially since I told her to try to talk to her first and to try to be helpful and to only suggest it if this girl is still uncooperative. I could never imagine needing friends so bad that I would remain friends with hurtful people.

julie650 · March 2013

We actually don't know that. Plenty of girls ask their bridesmaids not because they are close but because they feel obligated. So putting the option out there for the OP is not out of the realm of possibility. And even if she is friends per say, with this girl....there is obviously something going really wrong with the relationship, which the wedding is now bringing to a head. If she sits down and tries to resolve things with this girl and she is still willing to create stress on her day than what is the point of letting her walk all over the bride? And when we talk about stressing out the bride, we also have to think of everyone else who will be affected, it has nothing to do with the "me me me" mentality. When she is stressed, it will show. This undue stress (because she was afraid to stand up for herself) will affect her FH, her parents, her other bridesmaids, and anyone else that will be working with her and experiencing what the stress causes. If anything, standing up to a crappy person before your day is looking out for those around you, not just yourself.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:62a2b759-63b7-4e5b-9139-41d166de711a">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Questionable bridesmaid : You're that desperate for friends that you keep people in your life that say blatantly rude and hurtful things? This blows my mind. Especially since I told her to try to talk to her first and to try to be helpful and to only suggest it if this girl is still uncooperative. I could never imagine needing friends so bad that I would remain friends with hurtful people.
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]

Ok, what? When did my relationships with my friends come under attack? I said that she shouldn't follow your advice unless she's ready to lose a friend. If this person is as terrible as you seem to think she is - sure, go ahead, perminantly end the relationship. However, if I ditched everyone I cared about when they were going through crap or they did the same to me, I would be a very lonely person eventually. True friend stick with each other through tough times. If this BM isn't a true friend - fine, ditch her, do whatever makes you happy. But I don't think it's desperate to put a relationship I value over a freaking party (which is what a wedding reception is, FYI. The MARRIAGE is different, but the wedding = big party).

julie650 · March 2013

I think that the OP could figure that out on her own without you bashing my advice. This is especially true since I indicated in the post that this is likely to upset the BM in question. It's kind of common sense that kicking someone out of a wedding party isn't going to make their relationship stronger. That being said, it IS an option if the BM won't cooperate even after the OP attempts to talk it through and figure it out. To me, if you are going to let someone continue to be rude to you even after trying to resolve it, while still considering them an important friend, than you need to re-examine yourself and figure out why you have the need to hold on to a person who obviously couldn't care less about how their words affect you. There's a difference between someone acting crappy to you because of something that is going on with them at the time and someone blatantly being hurtful. I'm sure you have no friends whom you consider to be dear to you that would come up to you out of nowhere and say something that they know will deeply bother you, as the OP is experiencing.

Viczaesar · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:7bbe94b0-cefb-4220-8405-978882e0b2fa">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the OP could figure that out on her own without you bashing my advice. This is especially true since I indicated in the post that this is likely to upset the BM in question. It's kind of common sense that kicking someone out of a wedding party isn't going to make their relationship stronger. That being said, it IS an option if the BM won't cooperate even after the OP attempts to talk it through and figure it out. To me, if you are going to let someone continue to be rude to you even after trying to resolve it, while still considering them an important friend, than you need to re-examine yourself and figure out why you have the need to hold on to a person who obviously couldn't care less about how their words affect you. There's a difference between someone acting crappy to you because of something that is going on with them at the time and someone blatantly being hurtful. I'm sure you have no friends whom you consider to be dear to you that would come up to you out of nowhere and say something that they know will deeply bother you, as the OP is experiencing.
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]
Somebody acting out in a new and puzzling way is a sign that you should see if something is bothering them in their life, not a sign to end your friendship with them.

julie650 · March 2013

Yes! Exactly! Thus the "invite them to lunch or coffee to talk it out"

julie650 · March 2013

Although I should add that this behavior is extremely odd and I feel like there is information being left out or perhaps the OP has forgotten something because this borderlines a whole different set of issues.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:7bbe94b0-cefb-4220-8405-978882e0b2fa">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that the OP could figure that out on her own without you bashing my advice. This is especially true since I indicated in the post that this is likely to upset the BM in question. It's kind of common sense that kicking someone out of a wedding party isn't going to make their relationship stronger. That being said, it IS an option if the BM won't cooperate even after the OP attempts to talk it through and figure it out. To me, if you are going to let someone continue to be rude to you even after trying to resolve it, while still considering them an important friend, than you need to re-examine yourself and figure out why you have the need to hold on to a person who obviously couldn't care less about how their words affect you. There's a difference between someone acting crappy to you because of something that is going on with them at the time and someone blatantly being hurtful. I'm sure you have no friends whom you consider to be dear to you that would come up to you out of nowhere and say something that they know will deeply bother you, as the OP is experiencing.
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]

I don't think her friend was being purposefully hurtful. I think her friend is upset and confused about something. Thus, even thinking about kicking her out is, to me, premature and damaging at this point. However, I didn't mean to "bash" your advice - I simply said not to follow it if you didn't want to lose a friend. Agree to disagree.

julie650 · March 2013

That's ok, IMO I just think its an important thing to remember after attempting to resolve it, especially when brides often feel dictated by obligation. If this girl decides to continue to be cruel, even after it is brought to her attention I think the OP should remember that she shouldn't feel obligated to do anything if it doesn't feel right.

tesskerr · March 2013

Maybe you are being a bridezilla (I have no idea) and she is hoping you will kick her out? I was in your bridesmaids position once, the girl was a horrible friend to me whilst planning her wedding. I wish I had the guts to drop out, I wish she had kicked me out! At her wedding, another bridesmaid and I both said (to each other) we never would have attended had we not been bridesmaids. After the wedding I ended the friendship, but I do regret (for her sake, eg. photos with me in them) that I didn't step down before the wedding. Maybe she is looking for an out?

Viczaesar · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_questionable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:b2680530-44f7-4664-97a9-2c324890fbb3Post:2356d998-714a-4ee8-baf1-dc2848641d74">Re: Questionable bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes! Exactly! Thus the "invite them to lunch or coffee to talk it out"
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]
I'm not talking about discussing this conversation with the BM, I'm talking about avoiding wedding talk altogether and asking her how she's doing etc.

Lauritav · March 2013

Thanks everyone for the advice. This behavior has been going on for a few months now and i have tried talking to her. I honestly never talk wedding to anyone unless they ask me, because i was in a wedding where thats all she did and it got kinda annoying. I agree there is something going with her but she wont open up to anyone of us about it all she says is i am acting so crazy. And yes this girl is my best friend actually. The reason this came up was because i sent an email out the hotel for the wedding night, as i am paying for one night and the other 4 have to split one night. Then all the bridesmaid kept calling me to tell me she was complaining about the cost of this wedding. When all they have had to pay for is the dress, under 100. I know you may say then she has money issues, well i know thats not true and i told her several times please let me know if i can help out. BUT i know she wont ask because of pride. I feel i have made the wedding fairly cheap for them.

Lauritav · March 2013

Im just at the end because i have tried talking to her a million times. The thing that scares me is that she keeps saying oh i know for sure there will be a huge fight between me and another BM. This is scary because yes on my wedding day i don't need added stress as you all know. I have asked her why would you do that and she never has a reason why. Shes a person that will speak whats on her mind where I am afraid to confront ppl!

MissLaura123 · March 2013

Some girls get weird about weddings. Is there a possibility that she could be having some jealousy issues? Is she married? If so, possibly having problems in her marriage?

Some bridesmaids who have not been through the process before can't really understand or sympathize with the bride, and how difficult it is. It sounds like with her behavior, your wedding may be emotionally difficult for her, and she's not handling it very well. Your happy day may be a reflection on some difficulty in her life/relationships.

Just a possible angle to look at. Sounds like coffee may not cut that discussion. You may need to go buy her a few drinks or invite her over for some wine, and see whats up.

Questionable bridesmaid

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