Question about ceremony

[Deleted User] · February 2012

I'm currently with a man in the Army and we were wanting to get married but want to have a decent sized wedding. Well we don't really want to work around his deployment. Has anyone ever gotten married, as in just gotten the marriage license, and had a nice ceremony whenever things are easier to plan?
Opinions of any kind appreciated.

divinemsbee · February 2012

Oh, honey. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Have people done it? Sure. But you have to remember that the day you get your legal marriage license is, in fact, your wedding day. Having a vow renewal or religious blessing later is peachy-keen, in fact, there are a few girls who hang on the board that have done so, but the key is to make sure that everyone involved knows what's up (i.e. you don't keep secrets from anyone and present yourselves as husband and wife to your families as well as the U.S. government and all that). And also that it stays within the bounds of being a vow renewal or blessing. No showers, no bachelor/bachelorettes, that kind of thing.

That all being said, not that I'm in a place to high horse over this, as my FI and I likely won't go through a deployment for another 2 years, but have you guys been through one before? A lot of ladies here recommend going through a deployment before you get married, as it and the adjustments surrounding it can change a lot about both people in a relationship. I don't know if you guys are long-distance now, but I have done that, and am about to again, and I think that can tell you a lot about the relationship.

Also, there are several girls on here who have used their FIs' deployments as wedding planning periods, and they all say it's been a wonderful way to feel close to their FI as well as keep their minds busy. Also, it will probably never get that much easier to plan, something always comes up, military or not. Even on other boards where both the bride and groom are civilians, I read for people asking advice about all sorts of complications. My personal feeling on it is that once I am actually married, even if I went to city hall tomorrow, the last thing I would feel was necessary to spend a ton of money on was a huge party within a year. I might hold off til five or ten years. But I do want my family and friends to witness my FI and I pledge our lives together. And if that means planning in a shorter or longer time period, or giving certain things up, then that's what I'll do.

Gosh, that got long, and I hope you find it helpful. Welcome to the board, and I think you'll find the ladies here awesome if you stick around.

BinxRose · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d1efab36-ef59-4f4b-aa63-9c57d2e635daPost:f6c0f4cf-0677-4577-b10f-ce6c9d0fa089">Question about ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm currently with a man in the Army and we were wanting to get married but want to have a decent sized wedding. Well we don't really want to work around his deployment. Has anyone ever gotten married, as in just gotten the marriage license, and had a nice ceremony whenever things are easier to plan? Opinions of any kind appreciated.
Posted by skylar2010[/QUOTE]

First of all, the bolded statement is quite rude. For some women, having a big party is not what they want. Some couples prefer to have a secluded ceremony at a courthouse or somewhere else with a JOP. They aren't "just getting the marriage licence"...they are getting married. They are having their nice ceremony. They are having their wedding. And you would be too, if that's the path you take.

Now, with the "nice ceremony" you want to have after already being married, that is a vow renewal (VR). To make things clear, a wedding is not a huge party, a wedding is when two people exchange vows and become married (as you would do if you go to the courthouse and "just get the marriage license"). A VR is when you exchange vows again.

Before deciding on getting married and having a VR later, keep some things in mind. Is it important to you to have your friends and family with you when you actually become husband and wife? Would you like to be able to register for wedding gifts and have a wedding shower? Would you like to be able to have bachelor/bachelorette parties?

If you have a private ceremony with a JOP first and have a VR later, your friends and family will miss out on you two becoming husband and wife. If you have a private ceremony with a JOP, it is in very poor etiquette to register for gifts and to have a wedding shower. You are basically saying "it wasn't important that you be with us when we became husband and wife, but buy us gifts anyway." Similar to how you can not invite someone to a wedding shower but not the wedding. Also, having bach. parties before your VR would not make sense. Bach. parties are for unmarried people. You would already be married.

I will also say that almost every married couple in my FI's shop had a JOP wedding with a VR later for various reasons. And the majority of the women felt like their VR was fun, but didn't feel special or anything because they were already married. One actually said she felt silly wearing her big white dress, and that it felt like a show. I don't know about you, but the day that I marry my FI, I want all of my friends and family there, and I want it to feel special.

So I guess figure out your priorities, and you will have your answer.

ETA: Also, how will waiting to have a VR help? No matter what, things come up and change in the military. You will have to plan around deployments and other events regardless.

crownsuperstar · February 2012

Divine and Binx- do y'all have those saved in a word doc? If not you should

calindi · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d1efab36-ef59-4f4b-aa63-9c57d2e635daPost:f6c0f4cf-0677-4577-b10f-ce6c9d0fa089">Question about ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm currently with a man in the Army and we were wanting to get married but want to have a decent sized wedding. Well we don't really want to work around his deployment. Has anyone ever gotten married, as in just gotten the marriage license, and had a nice ceremony whenever things are easier to plan? Opinions of any kind appreciated.
Posted by skylar2010[/QUOTE]

Hi and welcome! Congrats on your engagement. These ladies have made a good point, but I'll also add that it's no easier to plan the vow renewal later than the wedding now. Unfortunately the military just simply makes it hard to plan! I think it'll probably mean more to you to have the big ceremony the same day you actually get married.

The key is to have military clauses in all of your vendor contracts that state that if, for any reason related to his military service, the groom is unable to attend the wedding as planned, the vendors agree to transfer the deposit to another mutually agreeable date or to refund you the money, minus any reasonable costs they had already incurred (such as florists or caterers who may have purchased food, etc.)

Good luck! I'd really recommend hanging out here, too, and learning more about the military lifestyle - it's a big adjustment, but these ladies have helped me immensely!

Zimsgirl · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d1efab36-ef59-4f4b-aa63-9c57d2e635daPost:2ef5941e-c511-43d6-ad55-d5af447533f2">Re: Question about ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]Divine and Binx- do y'all have those saved in a word doc? If not you should :)
Posted by crownsuperstar[/QUOTE]

Make it a sticky haha

AmandaSC1988 · February 2012

Hey! Welcome! OKC! Yay! (One word sentences ftw!)

Stay around, these ladies are super helpful.

divinemsbee · February 2012

Funnily enough, I did go back and read the "Read This First" because I thought it might be in there, but then I remember that it was decided that we not sticky it so that people didn't feel too intimidated. I just happened to be up late last night.

Oddly, it's something that came up with my FI and I right after we got engaged, but I'd been lurking on this board enough to give him what I still think are really good reasons to wait and have all of our people be part of it. I don't know about everyone else, but I had several people, including one of my best friends and my Dad suggest doing pretty much this, and it was totally unprompted. It seems to have become almost what people expect when one partner is in the military. Weird.

CAB1217 · February 2012

Yeah, no one reads the stickies... like, ever.

OP, you're better off waiting and doing it all on one day. Save yourself the hassle of having to explain yourself to, well, everyone.

popiesbaby · February 2012

I am a mother of the bride and she is the one in Army. I will be doing most of the planning for her with her input. All I have found out about is what to do with the ceramony if the bride is not military. What are customs if she is military and the groom is not HELP PLEASE!!!!! Mom goneing crazy?? Wait mom is crazy soprry lol

calindi · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d1efab36-ef59-4f4b-aa63-9c57d2e635daPost:48b67c1e-0084-4ce7-b74c-844751923881">Re: Question about ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a mother of the bride and she is the one in Army. I will be doing most of the planning for her with her input. All I have found out about is what to do with the ceramony if the bride is not military. What are customs if she is military and the groom is not HELP PLEASE!!!!! Mom goneing crazy?? Wait mom is crazy soprry lol
Posted by popiesbaby[/QUOTE]

You might want to start a new thread, you'll probably get more responses.

It's entirely up to the bride. Does she want the military involved? Some men & women prefer to not have their jobs involved with their wedding. To be honest, a lot of the traditions like wearing the uniform and cutting the cake with the service member's sword probably won't be her preference as I imagine she wants to wear a white dress. And I don't know her rank, but I don't think an arch of swords is possible if the service member isn't in uniform.

She could have a garter themed with her branch, they could give out favors related to the branch, they could have something tied into her service as a caketopper. It's all up to her!

leahmeleah12 · February 2012

To answer your question, YES! Me and my hubby are in the midst of it. We just got married in the courthouse the beginning of December while he was home on R&R. We are planning a big wedding this August with all of our family and friends. It has worked out wonderfully and we are so happy we decided to do it this way. If it is what will work for you guys, then go ahead and do it!

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