My sister/bff declined from being in my wedding party

SarahSvrjcek · February 2012

I told her that I would be paying for "all of her s%#t. Hair, make-up -- everything". She said that she "just doesn't like being in weddings."

I told her that my feelings were hurt and she ruffled my hair and said, "Oh, you remember what it's like to be a bridesmaid." Then she asked me if I would be in my other best friend's wedding -- My best friend of 15+ years! I was still kind of stunned, but I said, "What? Of course I would be. I wouldn't spend $1,000 but of course I would be in her wedding."

Did I also mention that moments before I had tried to confide in her that I'm having a really hard time with our mom being dead, and she just brushed it off with a, "What can ya do, ya know?' And that was the end of the conversation. Our mom was an alcoholic. Corrie and I had to stick closely together as children, even sleeping in the same bed as teens. Six years ago our mom drank herself to death. Corrie and I have been the closest of sisters our entire lives.

Am I over-reacting by feeling incredibly hurt?

OliveOilsMom · February 2012

Not everyone are wedding people and that seems to include your sister. Please dont take it personally. You are allowed to feel hurt, you probably were not expecting her to say no.

As for your mom, I'm sorry. Is there an aunt or grandmother you are close with that could talk to? Your sister just may deal with loss differently than you. Has these feelings come up knowing your mom won't be at your wedding or is this a general hard time that you are having? If it is in general and not wedding related, maybe there is a counselor you can speak to.

TiffannieF · February 2012

I agree with jcb. I understand why you are hurt and angry, if I had a sister I would have definitely been hurt by the decline. But you can't make her be a BM. Maybe she thinks she is required to throw you a shower or be involved in wedding details (none of this is actually what she would be required or expected to do, but maybe she thinks she would have to do this).

Maybe give it some time to cool off, hang out and not talk about wedding. Not sure how long your wedding is out but maybe in a couple months ask her, "Sister, it is so important to me have you in the wedding. Can you tell me specifically what it is? Or what I can do?" If she declines again then just leave it and say "Well, I at least want to make sure we get pictures together."

As a side note. My mother was an alcoholic and passed away 2 years before the wedding. Growing up she was not a drunk or, from what I could tell, an alcoholic...she was very loving and caring...unfortunately when my brother and I got older her drinking increased and she passed away due to it. I understand your pain in that subject and if you have any questions or want to talk please private message me.

) *hug*

adktd2boots · February 2012

Ask her again in the Summer. If she still declines, let it go. You shouldn't be asking your WP until then anyway.

vsgal · February 2012

First, I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

Second, I know that you are very hurt right now. I completely understand where you are coming from. You have lots of time before the wedding. Let it go for right now. Continue to plan the wedding as you normally would. Like pp's said, revisit this part in 4-6 months. She may have a change of heart and decide to stand beside you. If she doesn't, don't take it personally.

You should definitely find someone to talk to about your mother's passing. I can't imagine what you have been through. I can tell you that people deal with death in different ways. Maybe another family member or friend. Maybe a grief counselor? Keep your chin up. If you need support, we are all here for you. Just PM someone.

Loads of love to you and your family.

Hilraythebride · February 2012

I can understand why you are upset and I'm sorry. I would ask her again closer to the time the dresses need to be purchased. It sucks but there isn't really anything you can do about it and you can MAKE her be in your wedding.

My FI asked his bf and he said no but then I called him and he agreed. He doesn't attention being drawn to him so I said not to worry I will be getting all the attention. Just said this to make him feel better. I would just ask her again and tel her how much it would mean to you.

Hope it works out.

mbcdefg · February 2012

She's not obligated to say yes to your invitation to be a bridesmaid. That's why it's an invitation and not a subpoena. She's allowed to decline the invitation, and frankly you have no right to keep pushing her to say yes.

I understand feeling sad about it, but you have to let it go. She's allowed to say no. And it may be absolutely nothing personal. She said outright that she doesn't like being a bridesmaid. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love YOU.

ceh789 · February 2012

What everyone else said. I absolutely abhor being in weddings. When my sister got married the invitation was phrased as "I know you don't want to but I'd be honored if you decided to stand up with me" I declined and countered with - do you want a PA for the day? I'd love to do that! She accepted and it was a good day for both of us.

It's not personal - some people just don't do bridesmaid well. I'm one. It doesn't mean I love my friends/family any less. I just don't like to bridesmaid.

My sister/bff declined from being in my wedding party

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