Should I be angry or not?

heidipeterson · March 2010

So, we're not having bridesmaids or groomsmen at our wedding because we are keeping the ceremony part to a bare minimum. But, I still would like one of my best friends to help me out with a few things, and I've told her that if I were actually having a bridal party, she would definitely be a bridesmaid in it. So, I ask her (this is 3 months before the wedding and 2 weeks after she RSVP'd as a Yes on my website) to help me and she says she might not be able to go to the wedding afterall, because she wants to travel to Peru at that time and she just found out she can get a great deal on a trip! We have been great friends for almost 10 years now, and she's telling me she would rather go on this trip to a country that isn't going anywhere for a long while, than attend my one-time wedding! Should I be pissed or am I overreacting?

carrieoz_76 · March 2010

I would be really sad if one of my besties couldn't come to my wedding and instead planned a vacation to happen at the same time. I couldn't care less if they help me beforehand, though.

p.s. if your sn is your real name, change it.

thesuninherhead · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-angry-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:aaf7b550-01a5-44f0-9fad-69ae3ffbae50Post:326c4d81-6350-406f-aeb4-8caa18050eb1">Should I be angry or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, we're not having bridesmaids or groomsmen at our wedding because we are keeping the ceremony part to a bare minimum. But, I still would like one of my best friends to help me out with a few things, and I've told her that if I were actually having a bridal party, she would definitely be a bridesmaid in it. So, I ask her (this is 3 months before the wedding and 2 weeks after she RSVP'd as a Yes on my website) to help me and she says she might not be able to go to the wedding afterall, because she wants to travel to Peru at that time and she just found out she can get a great deal on a trip! We have been great friends for almost 10 years now, and she's telling me she would rather go on this trip to a country that isn't going anywhere for a long while, than attend my one-time wedding! Should I be pissed or am I overreacting?
Posted by heidipeterson[/QUOTE] I see two different issues here- firstly, that you didn't honour her by asking her to be in the bridal party, yet expected her to 'help' you. You don't really go into what this help consists of though, so I'm not going to say much on that other than that no one is required to help you and if you had even so much as hinted at giving her tasks that she didn't offer to do, you've overstepped your bounds. The other issue is her ditching your wedding for a trip. I understand you being hurt with this. Perhaps this is her retaliating to you not including her (or, to you not including her but then expecting her to help you as though she was included) or perhaps it's just a reflection of the quality of your relationship... and if you're not sure which, I think you should discuss it with her to find out.

GreenMoon · March 2010

I would say yes, and no. You have a right to be upset by it, but I would talk to her about it. Maybe she thinks your wedding isn't a big deal since its so small and without a bridal party. You might just need to explain to her, that is a major event in your life, despite how quaint it may be. And tell her about your initial reaction to her leaving, and that you would be there for her. Also, I would stress that maybe she can't be a bridesmaid, but that there is still a role in your wedding for her as a best friend, to be there and support you on your day.

crfische · March 2010

I don't think that's any reason to be mad. I'd be sad that she couldn't be there, but I'd be happy for her that she'd be able to travel.

And let's face it. Bridal Biitch is far from an honorable job.

danieliza1127 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-angry-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aaf7b550-01a5-44f0-9fad-69ae3ffbae50Post:9a1deaef-7b77-4453-b276-5a07fe1f792a">Re: Should I be angry or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Should I be angry or not? : I see two different issues here- firstly, that you didn't honour her by asking her to be in the bridal party, yet expected her to 'help' you. You don't really go into what this help consists of though, so I'm not going to say much on that other than that no one is required to help you and if you had even so much as hinted at giving her tasks that she didn't offer to do, you've overstepped your bounds. The other issue is her ditching your wedding for a trip. I understand you being hurt with this. Perhaps this is her retaliating to you not including her (or, to you not including her but then expecting her to help you as though she was included) or perhaps it's just a reflection of the quality of your relationship... and if you're not sure which, I think you should discuss it with her to find out.
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of what thesuninherhead said. She's probably hurt that instead of asking her to be in the wedding, you're just asking her to do everything a BM would do without the honor that goes with it. And you're hurt that now she's decided maybe a trip would be in her better interest. I think it's okay for you to be hurt and disappointed, but not mad.

I do think you should have a conversation with your friend though like Sun suggested.

AlexiaANDRobert · March 2010

I agree with all the PPs.

If she was going away for a weekend, then I'd be more upset, but this trip sounds like a big deal. And you're not giving her any honor in having her "help" you. That's kind of lame.

ThePinkSuperhero · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-angry-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:aaf7b550-01a5-44f0-9fad-69ae3ffbae50Post:f1c9cbe2-c8f8-4622-8f49-be484e34cb73">Re: Should I be angry or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]She's probably hurt that instead of asking her to be in the wedding, you're just asking her to do everything a BM would do without the honor that goes with it. And you're hurt that now she's decided maybe a trip would be in her better interest. I think it's okay for you to be hurt and disappointed, but not mad.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Being hurt is OK. Taking it out on her is not cool. I'd give her a big hug, and tell her you want to see lots of pictures of Peru.

britne28 · March 2010

Yeah I would be really upset if my best friend did that. But I'm also having her as a BM. I personally wouldn't travel the same time my best friend was getting married though. There are priorities in life.

heidipeterson · March 2010

well, the reception is going to be pretty big, and a lot of money is going into it. the ceremony is small because we're not religious or doing vows. it will probably last 3 minutes at the most. this is why i'm not doing bridesmaids or inviting anyone other than family to the wedding. she would never be offended by not being made a bridsmaid, because she knows our situtation and how that tradition wouldn't work with our ceremony. plus, she just wouldn't care about something petty like that.
but, i did want this particular friend to help me out the day of the wedding by going to the bakery for me and pick up some lemon bars, brownies, cookies, etc. to go on the dessert table next to the cake table. the job would have been right up her alley and she would have enjoyed doing it (I KNOW). and i was going to buy her a very nice gift for doing the job.
the trip is with her school, so she says she would get a great deal, but she is one of my best friends and she has been excited about the wedding for months.
to throw some sh** on top, she called me again that night to talk to me about some guy she has a crush on and ask for some advice about him and if i think he might like her too. that pretty much showed me that the news she had told me earlier that day, wasn't really that big a deal to her.
the situation really isn't even about having her do a little job for me, it's about the fact that a best friend is putting a trip above one of her best friend's wedding.
it just doesn't seem right to me.

heidipeterson · March 2010

i will add... she did say that she can get some school credit for this trip (goes towards her Masters). but, it's not like this trip determines if she graduates or not, or will get her out of school much earlier. she's addicted to traveling and i just think she would rather go on this trip than be at my wedding.

Night_Sprite · March 2010

It may sting, but a once in a lifetime travel opportunity may be a bigger deal to her than your wedding, especially if it's only emphasis is a party and not some special sacred day, a designation which you took away purposefully.

Should I be angry or not?

Re: Should I be angry or not?

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