this is the code for the render ad
Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to deter nosy cousin-in-law?

H's cousin, who was one of his GMs in our wedding earlier this month, has asked several questions of us lately that really bother me. He continuously asks how much we have spent on big-ticket items. A few months ago, we were our with a group of people that consisted of a few WP members and their SOs, and he was asking about the cost of wine, food, etc. for our wedding. FI and I answered sparingly, disclosing some numbers but not all. Then he asked how much our wedding (paid for primarily by my parents) was costing, and FI and I flat out ignored him.

We went out for dinner with him a few nights ago, and he asked us how much we paid for our honeymoon and for our wedding rings. I brushed it off at first, not providing any concrete numbers, but then I realized that while I was in the restroom, H told his cousin how much he had spent on my rings. So then Cousin asked about the honeymoon: "Was it more or less than your rings??" In the future, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he asks us how much money either of us makes, or how much I spend on a car since I'm looking to buy one in a few weeks.

I don't understand it. Cousin and his GF just broke up, so he certainly isn't in the market for any of these wedding items. I don't have any idea what any of our other married friends spent on any of those items, nor would I ask.

I've contemplated saying something to him the next time he asks something intrusive about money, but I also feel like H should handle it since he's his cousin. Would you say something to the cousin directly? Or just continue to dodge questions, change the subject, and get H on board to do the same? I feel violated -- as though this cousin knows more about our financial relationship than my own parents do.

photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg

Re: How to deter nosy cousin-in-law?

  • I wouldn't bring it up to him unprovoked, but if he asks another money question that you don't want to answer, just say "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable answering that." and change the subject. 
  • If you don't want to tell him the information at all, then I agree with LeiselEB, just tell him you're not comfortable talking about it.

    If you don't really care about letting him know the various prices of things, and you just don't like how he is always asking in public, then  tell him to e-mail you guys for the information. 
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deter-nosy-cousin-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d167243-a462-4681-bea8-0861a9fd85e0Post:ca5db1b4-ec93-4392-937e-aa3b6c9a00bb">Re: How to deter nosy cousin-in-law?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you don't want to tell him the information at all, then I agree with LeiselEB, just tell him you're not comfortable talking about it. If you don't really care about letting him know the various prices of things, and you just don't like how he is always asking in public, then  tell him to e-mail you guys for the information. 
    Posted by starael[/QUOTE]
    Yeah, it's more that I don't think he needs to be privy to the information at all. I know I ought to just not cave next time he asks something, but I hate being confrontational. But I will call him out on it next time it comes up; he's the one being awkward or rude.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • I'd simply ask "Why do you want to know?".  Chances are he won't have a valid reason.
    image
  • I agree - next time he asks just tell him that's not information you're comfortable sharing.
  • In Response to Re:How to deter nosy cousininlaw?:[QUOTE]I'd simply ask quot;Why do you want to know?quot;.nbsp; Chances are he won't have a valid reason. Posted by Girlie1030[/QUOTE]

    This would be my response. I would genuinely want to know why he needed all of this information.
    158 Invited image | 68 will be there image |6 can't make it image | 84 still need to reply! image
    RSVP Deadline: 4/6/13
    4/26/13 March Siggy Challenge: Bridesmaid Dresses

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would probably say something along the lines of "I'm sorry but we prefer to keep financial matters private".  It may feel awkward but hopefully it will keep him from asking again.
    image
  • "Why do you want to know?" "Why do you think you should know?" "I'll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering." "Nosy, much?" "Don't worry; with your social skills you won't have to worry about wedding costs." Probably in that order. He should feel awkward for asking. You woukd do him a favor to help him figure out this is rude to ask.
  • Your H needs to call his aunt - the mother of this cousin - and say something like, "Look, Aunt Jenny, Jack keeps asking us how much stuff at our wedding cost.  Like rings and the HM and the wine.  He's asking us in front of other people.  When we are all out to dinner.  And it's embarassing us and we don't want to cut him out of our social dinners and things, but it's got to stop."
  • Tattle to his mother? You're kidding, right?

    You just need to tell him it's not his business. My response would simply be "we don't discuss our finances with other people" (which I proly will have to use sometime, FI's family seems to be all in each other's business with finances). If he kept pushing I'd say "that's between me and FI (and whoever else is paying), and none of your business.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deter-nosy-cousin-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d167243-a462-4681-bea8-0861a9fd85e0Post:17671204-3f01-48cb-a6ce-7f2348752b50">Re: How to deter nosy cousin-in-law?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your H needs to call his aunt - the mother of this cousin - and say something like, "Look, Aunt Jenny, Jack keeps asking us how much stuff at our wedding cost.  Like rings and the HM and the wine.  He's asking us in front of other people.  When we are all out to dinner.  And it's embarassing us and we don't want to cut him out of our social dinners and things, but it's got to stop."
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    haha really?  Hes not 12. 
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deter-nosy-cousin-in-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7d167243-a462-4681-bea8-0861a9fd85e0Post:2fbb6b4c-f790-4a60-99cf-cac38353dd37">Re:How to deter nosy cousininlaw?</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Why do you want to know?" "Why do you think you should know?" "I'll forgive you for asking if you forgive me for not answering." "Nosy, much?" "Don't worry; with your social skills you won't have to worry about wedding costs." Probably in that order. He should feel awkward for asking. You woukd do him a favor to help him figure out this is rude to ask.
    Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]

    I love this, particularly because I can see the conversation escalating in this fashion if the Nosy McNosekins cousin continues to pry;-)

    That being said, I agree with all this. 
  • Is he planning a wedding or with someone long term that he might be considering marrying? It doesn't bother me to discuss money with people, especially if someone is truly interested for planning purposes. We've discussed our HM and the cost a dozen times with couples planning HMs or vacations.

    But if it really does bother you, and you can't imagine why he needs to know this information, just say that you really don't know and move on. I don't see the need in being rude or having a smart response. It's probably totally innocent.
    image
  • Just thought of something else that Dear Abby sometimes reccommends for especially pushy people: "If that was any of your business, you'd know the answer to that question already". As a last resort idea.
  • I say to tell the cousin to look it up on the internet!
  • SKPMSKPM member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Thank you all for the ideas and support! Some of those ideas are hilarious and I'd probably never be able to employ them with a straight face, but the sentiment remains.

    Also, this cousin is about 22 and hasn't lived with his mother in several years, so I don't think that approach would go over well with anyone involved. Nor is he planning his own wedding (or entertaining the idea, as far as I know), since he and his GF broke up recently.

    Thank you again for the ideas and the encouragement to be assertive!

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    You really need to get a new user name.  I was here first.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards