How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?

Re: How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?

• kasabby

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I would think that the friend would know better and rent a car and get to the hotel himself--especially if he is not in the wedding. Did he ask your FI or did FI offer? 

  
  

  Have you gone through the timeline of the day with FI? If not, I would and kind of throw it out there that it is going to be very difficult to pick up his friend. Do you have any other friends that are travelling that are not in the wedding? Maybe you could use them as examples.

  

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• cutiepie12702

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  That is kind of a tough thing. Is this friend not in a position to pay for his own transportation/find another ride? Is the friend coming alone? One of FI's groomsmen is coming from out of state, and FI was worried about how he was going to pick him up but the friend informed FI he was going to rent a car himself - so that responsibility was relieved from FI's shoulders. Maybe your FI's friend will do the same thing. How close of a friend is this guy to your FI? I assume he must be a good friend if he is flying in from out of state - maybe that's why FI wants to be nice and pick him up to help him out to show his appreciation for him coming out here? If your FI has other things going on then he needs to either rearrange his schedule or ask his friend to find his own ride if he is not going to be a part of those activities. If your FI plans to include him in the golf outing, etc. then it probably isn't a big deal if he picks him up and drives him around. I'm with you on the fact that he should find his own way back to the airport though - he can get a cab, especially if FI was kind enough to drive him around everywhere else.
  
  I guess I didn't really help much, and maybe made you feel even more torn. lol But I do see your point, but at the same time I kind of see your FI's point too of why he feels inclined to do something like that. If FI wants to figure it out on his own, I say let him. Don't worry about if he is late to his golf outing etc. - that's going to be his own fault and his own problem to figure out. I would simply say I don't think that's a good idea....but then let him make his own decision on this. You have enough stuff on your plate to worry about, no bride should have to worry about random guests. If your FI wants to do that, then let him.

  

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• reese511

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  maybe you can help find someone else to take over this responsibility? my fi doesnt really get the logistic stuff either. so personally, i'd jump in and ask someone else to help us out.

  

  t+sBio

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• gymchick05

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  they are good enough friends- they talk on the phone, but in the two years we've been together Ive never met him and FI has seen him once. I could care less if FI is late to golf- his idea was the golf and AFTER go get the friend and then somehow get to the church. Its being late to the church that is not acceptable to me. And of course the awkward having a friend who isnt in the WP staying at our place the night before the wedding, being at the rehearsal or I guess eating his own meal at our hosue, etc. The friend doesnt even know this is what FI is planning and Im sure he isnt expecting it. The whole situation just makes no sense- oh and the friend doesnt need any help money wise to come up, travel, get a car etc. And even if he did, Id be happy to help w/ the car rental vs have FI drive him around. I guess Im just gonna have to sit down and go over this again and fight w/ him. I hate fighting in relation to the wedding, but Im not gonna be freaking out the day before and after the wedding because of someone Ive never met.

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• USER876

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Golf 8-12, lunch 12-1, go to airport 1-3, shower, arrive at rehearsal....
  
  I've done it, busy day but it can be done!
  

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• gymchick05

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  USER- I agree in theory that works. However FI and his BM do not golf w/o multiple drinks. So driving to the airport after isnt a good idea. And if the flight is delayed thats another problem. The biggest issue is where is this guy staying- FI isnt even staying at our house so why should someone Ive never met? And how is he getting back to the airport after the wedding, etc

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• NJhousewife22 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_can-nicely-tell-fi-this-isnt-gonna-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b4994dd3-9fc2-49ae-8eee-647572b6269aPost:ac169ebd-f3ad-4795-8a06-28afefcfc731">Re: How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?</a>:
  [QUOTE]maybe you can help find someone else to take over this responsibility? my fi doesnt really get the logistic stuff either. so personally, i'd jump in and ask someone else to help us out.
  Posted by reese511[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>I would take this approach as well. It seems like your FI just wants to go above and beyond for his friend which is admirable so maybe he can ask another friend or family member to take care of his friend's airport transit.
  
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• Heather822

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_can-nicely-tell-fi-this-isnt-gonna-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b4994dd3-9fc2-49ae-8eee-647572b6269aPost:adcd1441-7742-40c0-b6cc-ba5d58f2e2a1">Re: How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?</a>:
  [QUOTE]USER- I agree in theory that works. However FI and his BM do not golf w/o multiple drinks. So driving to the airport after isnt a good idea. And if the flight is delayed thats another problem. The biggest issue is where is this guy staying- <strong>FI isnt even staying at our house so why should someone Ive never met?</strong> And how is he getting back to the airport after the wedding, etc
  Posted by gymchick05[/QUOTE]
  
  <div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Yeah this part is definitely bizarre!</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">You are supposed to sleep alone your house with some random dude the night before your wedding!?!?</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">I wouldn't want to do that on a random, normal day.... let alone Wedding Eve!</font></div>

  
  
  
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• JoBell123

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_can-nicely-tell-fi-this-isnt-gonna-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b4994dd3-9fc2-49ae-8eee-647572b6269aPost:adcd1441-7742-40c0-b6cc-ba5d58f2e2a1">Re: How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?</a>:
  [QUOTE]The biggest issue is where is this guy staying- FI isnt even staying at our house so why should someone Ive never met?
  Posted by gymchick05[/QUOTE]
  
  I think you should bring this point up to your FI.  While in theory his timeline for the rehearsal day could make sense, you just pinpointed the biggest issue you have with this.    Especially if your FI isn't staying at the house.  Why should you have a random guy staying at your house when you're trying to get ready for your wedding?!
  
  Your FI should understand this point.

  

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• felicia220 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I am a little confused.  Will you be staying in the house the night before the wedding?  If so, that would be the biggest issue for me. I wouldn't want some strange man staying in my house and my H be else where.  Sorry if I misunderstood.  

  
  

  I agree with USER.  Although, I do think the friend need to get a hotel and stay some place other than your house.  But as far as the logistics of the day go, I am assuming your FH is a big boy and can figure out a timeline.  If he is late, well that is on him.  

  
  

  EDIT: Sorry I just saw the he is in fact proposing that his friend stay with you alone in your house, that is just akward.

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• goaliegirl member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I think it is nice of your Fi to try to help out a friend that is flying in for your wedding.  As USER said, it is a busy day but it can work.  They will just need to keep an eye on the time.  Just because you have never met the friend doesn't mean your Fi shouldn't care about him.   If the guy is flying in from OOT it is likely that you and your Fi wouldn't see him much other than the wedding and not on a regular basis, but it sounds ilke your Fi keeps in touch with the guy via phone.      It is your Fi's day as well...I don't think it is worth it to get into a fight with him over this, if it is something that he really wants to do, then let him.  I would just make it clear that he needs to be at the church for the rehearsal on time, and he should have a back up plan just in case the plane is delayed, etc.
  
  And to say that you know the guy coming in has no problem with money so he can pay for the rental car, etc....if you don't know the guy and never met him, how would you know that?     Just because you THINK that someone can afford, they may not really be able to.
  

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• gymchick05

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Sorry should have been a little more clear- FI is staying at a hotel the night before the wedding w/ the bridal party. I will be at my parents house and getting ready there. I just thought it may be awkawrd for this guy to stay alone in our house by himself when hes never been here before. Not to mention I REALLY dont want to be stressing over how clean the house is the day before the wedding.
  
  My guess is the guy wouldnt even want to do this and would rather stay at a hotel. If FI brings him up here by the church, the hotels are much more expensive then staying at the wedding hotel- $299/night vs $109/night.
  
  As far as money, I really dont think its an issue, but like I said, if that was the reason FI wanted to do this, and it isnt, I would totally be fine paying for a car service for the guy.
  
  My other issue, is FI's entire family, grandparents, etc, are all coming in from out of state to the airport. So, to me, it looks a little bad to haev FI picking up this guy, driving him around, paying for transport, staying at the house, ect when we arent doing that for any of his OOT family or any of my OOT family.  I eevn said to FI if its cause he hasnt seen him, maybe be can fly in on Thurs night isnt of Friday and then problem solved, they can have the whole rehearsal day together (still weird in my opinion since he isnt in the BP, but if it makes them happy Im all for it).
  
  I am just concerned cause my church is very strict and the last thing I need is him & the bridal party late because we are having enough issues w/ the church. And again, my BIGGEST problem, is what do we do w/ him after the wedding. Im not spending the morning after the wedding worrying about rushing someone to the airport. arrr I really am so sick of planning anything to do w/ the wedding- it is not fun.

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• USER876

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Well, the staying at your house thing throws a screw ball into things.  I wouldn't want to deal with that, in fact I told FI at the time, I didn't want to deal with any airport pickups or people staying at our place because we had enough going on.  THe fact that you never met him is even wierder.  Why doesnt the person get a hotel room everyone else will be at hotel

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• mbcdefg member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I would put my foot down about him staying at your home ... but for everything else I'd just tell your fiance that it's on him to work it out and get where he needs to be on time, and then wash your hands of it.
  
  ETA: and ditto Felicia about not taking him back to the aiport, unless it's really not a bother for you guys (I'm all about being helpful to a friend, but I wouldn't do it if it would cause you a lot of stress and a time crunch)

  

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• Heather822

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_can-nicely-tell-fi-this-isnt-gonna-happen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:b4994dd3-9fc2-49ae-8eee-647572b6269aPost:5bd433cd-cfdf-414a-ba47-2d7745de12f6">Re: How can I nicely tell FI this isnt gonna happen?</a>:
  [QUOTE]I would put my foot down about him staying at your home ... but for everything else I'd just tell your fiance that it's on him to work it out and get where he needs to be on time, and then wash your hands of it.
  Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]
  <font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">
  </font><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">Agreed.... very good advice.</font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">
  </font></div><div><font class="Apple-style-span" color="#008080">I wouldn't want someone I don't know very well staying overnight alone in my home.</font></div>

  
  
  
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• felicia220 member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  Propose a compromise; FI can do whatever he likes the day before the wedding. (I am sure he is aware at this point that he CAN NOT be late to the church) BUT, 1-you don't feel comfortable with this person staying in your house and 2- You two will not be taking him back to the airport the next day.  

  
  

  
  

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• goaliegirl member

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree....I don't think I would want the guy staying at my house with no one there, but like the others said, if you Fi wants to pick him and hang out the day before the wedding, I would let him.      

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• Pharo47

  

  March 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm a guy and like USER said it is doable. However, I wouldn't want to deal with the headache. I would have told my boy that we'll split the cost of the car service and just be the end with it or just pay for the thing myself. There's not many friends for me that I wouldn't consider to be in my wedding party but felt obligated to pick them up from the airport. The guy is an adult. He can hack an hour long ride from the airport alone. Personally, spending 4 hours playing golf and drinking beer in the sun and then eating will make you feel tired as hell. Too much going on for the day before the wedding to be dealing with airports and long car rides. Not worth it.

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