Wedding Etiquette Forum

Parents thanking...parents?

So I'm a bit confused about how this should work--and after just talking with Rich, I want to make sure we do the right thing. Rich's parents gifted us a decent amount of money to help with the wedding---the majority of which has paid for the remainder of our ceremony and reception costs.

My dad just offered to pay for our meet and greet dinner the night before the wedding as a portion of our wedding gift. Rich wants to let his parents know that my dad is doing this because he says his parents will be upset if they think we paid for it ourselves (i.e. paid for it with their gifted money) when it was actually paid for by my dad. He also said it would be great for my parents to thank his parents for their role in helping fund the wedding, and for his parents to thank mine for their role.

I'm just not sure what the whole etiquette is on this is, in regards to who thanks who for what. While I'm sure there will be many "thanks" going around, I feel a bit weird instructing my parents to thank his for specific aspects of the wedding, and vise versa---I doubt my dad wants a big to-do over footing the bill for a dinner as part of a gift to us.

Any suggestions? Or am I totally over thinking this?
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Re: Parents thanking...parents?

  • It's no one's business who paid for what.  I don't think you have to tell Rich's parents anything.  If they ask if you used their gift for the dinner, you can just say no and leave it at that.  It's none of their business how the party was paid for if their money was not used.

    I also think it's wrong to tell an adult that they have to express gratitude for anything.  Your parents are all adults.  If they feel it necessary to thank each other they will.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:c025589b-cddb-4a81-8876-ecf2903014e7">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's no one's business who paid for what.  I don't think you have to tell Rich's parents anything.  If they ask if you used their gift for the dinner, you can just say no and leave it at that.  It's none of their business how the party was paid for if their money was not used. I also think it's wrong to tell an adult that they have to express gratitude for anything.  Your parents are all adults.  If they feel it necessary to thank each other they will.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    I was thinking this exact thing---I don't want to instruct my parents to thank his parents for helping us. At all. If they want to extend thanks on their own, thats fine.

    Rich, however, wants everyone thank everyone else. Why? I'm not sure.
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  • Telling everyone who paid for what seems wrong. It was a gift to you, not to the other set of parents. Just let his parents know that their money did not go to the meet & greet dinner,  if they ask or he can tell them.

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  • edited February 2010
    I'm inclined to agree with betrothed. The wedding money was a gift to you and Rich for your wedding, not your parents for theirs. If your parents had asked his parents to fund the wedding as a favor to them or you guys (which would be totally weird btw), then yes, thank you's would be in order.

    Do you think your parents are the type to thank Rich's parents for their support to you guys anyway? Maybe they'd be likely to respond that way if Rich's parents do thank them, and then you'd luck out. Sorry, this is just a weird position they've put you in.



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    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • I don't see a problem with telling his parents that your dad paid for the meet and greet dinner, but it's weird for your dad to thank his parents for paying for the wedding.  To me, it sends of the vibe of him owing them something. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:663773e0-10c7-49b4-856a-bbf2cc714c1a">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm inclined to agree with betrothed. The wedding money was a gift to you and Rich for your wedding, not your parents for theirs. If your parents had asked his parents to fund the wedding as a favor to them or you guys (which would be totally weird btw), then yes, thank you's would be in order. <strong>Do you think your parents are the type to thank Rich's parents for their support to you guys anyway? Maybe they'd be likely to respond that way if Rich's parents do thank them, and then you'd luck out. Sorry, this is just a weird position they've put you in.</strong>
    Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

    This is what I'm confused on. When I talked to Rich, he made it sound like his parents might feel slighted if my parents didn't "thank" them for the role they played in helping make our wedding more possible.

    But, to be honest, I'm not sure if my parents would think to do this? They know Rich's parents have contributed money---but, don't know how much of that money has gone to what (and, to be honest, neither do I). And, even if they did, I just don't see them thanking them. I think we should thank them...but, not so much my parents. That'd be like asking all of our guests to thank his parents for bank rolling our wedding.

    I'd just hate to have the first time our families meet end up going bad because someone feels slighted for not being acknowledged? This all seems so dumb to me.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:adedfcf3-38bd-4512-99c6-fb8e1be50578">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents thanking...parents? : This is what I'm confused on. When I talked to Rich, he made it sound like his parents might feel slighted if my parents didn't "thank" them for the role they played in helping make our wedding more possible. But, to be honest, I'm not sure if my parents would think to do this? They know Rich's parents have contributed money---but, don't know how much of that money has gone to what (and, to be honest, neither do I). And, even if they did, I just don't see them thanking them. I think we should thank them...but, not so much my parents. That'd be like asking all of our guests to thank his parents for bank rolling our wedding. I'd just hate to have the first time our families meet end up going bad because someone feels slighted for not being acknowledged? This all seems so dumb to me.
    Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

    In your OP you said Rich says he wants to tell his parents to thank your parents.  If that's really the case, I don't see how they are in any way expecting a thank you (up to the point where Rich says something of course).

    Like you said, you and Rich need to thank both sets of parents.  Your parents do not need to thank each other. 

    My parents contributed to our wedding.  H's parents did not.  ILs did not feel it necessary to thank my parents for contributing because it was our party-not theirs.  My parents did not expect a thank you.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • So your parents are meeting for the first time at the wedding? You're right, this is dumb, and I think his parents are missing the whole point of giving a gift. Is there any way to disabuse them of this expectation? Can Rich talk to them? Because the last thing you need is parental conflicts around your wedding, or to worry about how they're getting along.

    H's parents paid for the majority of our welcome dinner, which my parents attended and which was also the first time they met H's dad and stepmom, and I think they thanked them for the dinner because they enjoyed the place and the food. Just like you would thank a friend for treating you to dinner. But they didn't thank them for covering the dinner for H and I, if that makes sense. I think that's reasonable to expect in your situation.



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    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • Seeing as how it's no one's responsibility to fund a wedding but you and Rich, what your parents each paid for shouldn't matter to them. It's nice of them all to contribute, but no one had to and it's not like your dad relieved Rich's parents of some burden. Your dad didn't do Rich's parents a favor, he gave YOU a gift. Big difference. Thanking both his parents and your dad is your responsibility.
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  • Do you think maybe he's thinking like this since what's happening in your case is kind of the opposite of what has happened traditionally? i.e. your parents paying for essentially the RD and his for the wedding, instead of vice versa. I might be completely off base here, but maybe he just thinks that since it's not happening the traditional way that everyone will be awkward and that the parents should thank each other for taking over their "roles?" Or maybe it's an issue of one contributing much more than the other and just everyone thanking each other to make sure no one feels like they didn't give enough? I don't know, I think it's very weird, I'm just trying to brainstorm reasons why he might be so concerned about this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:03ee5db1-73e9-4673-aadf-1494f9fc4678">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents thanking...parents? : <strong> In your OP you said Rich says he wants to tell his parents to thank your parents.  If that's really the case, I don't see how they are in any way expecting a thank you (up to the point where Rich says something of course).</strong> Like you said, you and Rich need to thank both sets of parents.  Your parents do not need to thank each other.  My parents contributed to our wedding.  H's parents did not.  ILs did not feel it necessary to thank my parents for contributing because it was our party-not theirs.  My parents did not expect a thank you.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    I think, up until today, the assumption was if we went ahead with our meet and greet dinner, "we" would be paying for it---or, in a sense, we'd be payng for it with the money we were given for the wedding.

    Now that it will be paid for by my dad, Rich claims his dad would be upset if he knew the meal was paid for by my dad instead, and he was left to assume it was actually him who had essentially paid. Does that make sense the way I worded it? Rich claims his parents, upon finding out that they weren't the ones who would have essentially paid for the meal, would then want to thank my dad. I, however, know my dad is not going to want people to make a big deal about him having paid for it. Rich, on the other hand, said his parents would like to thank my dad---just as they would appreciate thanks for their role. I'm not sure if they really are hoping to be thanked by everyone for their role, or if Rich is just assuming they do---but, I'm not sure anyone owes them "thanks" aside from Rich and myself.
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  • Okay, I get what you're saying.  Then to cover this whole situation, the best way to approach is really just to not tell them who paid.  It's none of their business anyway, and will only end up causing problems in the end.

    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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  • I can see being a little confused if I were Rich's dad, assuming I paid for something and therefore taking some pride in it even if I did no planning, then finding out later from someone else that your dad paid for or hosted it. Not mad or anything, just a little confused. 
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  • Yeah, no one is going to know who paid for the meal, so I'd go with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. In this instance, what they don't know doesn't hurt.
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  • I think giving either set of parents any insight into what the other has given you as a gift, whether that gift has been applied to the wedding or not, is inappropriate.

    Basically, it sounds to me like Rich wants to be sure his parents get credit for a bigger gift, and he wants his parents to hear it from yours that his parents did more.  Obnoxious. 

    You two should thank your parents, and any other thanks would be appropriate only if spontaneous.
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  • This is Rich's take on it :
    "I agree that your dad is not paying for the dinner in order to get thanked. just like my parents aren't paying things to get thanked. having said that, I think that acknowledging people's generosity is kind of a lost art in this world. so it's important to me that people who are being generous are rightly thanked -- not in a big public display, but thanked gracefully. and I know my parents feel the same way. that's why I was saying that I would like to tell them that your dad is making the sat night dinner possible. not because he wants to be thanked. but because they would feel awful if they had this great dinner, all the while thinking they had paid for it, or that we had paid for it, or that some mysterious benefactor had paid for it -- when in fact it was your dad. I just don't think that's right."

    I think the part that's getting me all tangled up is the "acknowledging generosity" part. I want to acknowledge his parents gernerosity is making our wedding more possible. I'm not so sure I think my parents need to though....

    ....I'm thrilled to know that in a week, I will never have to think about these things again!!

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:274837c1-f93c-4692-abcc-c7369ebe0e1f">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, no one is going to know who paid for the meal, so I'd go with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. In this instance, what they don't know doesn't hurt.
    Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

    I would tend to agree with this---except, because of all previous conversations Rich has had with his dad, the understanding was that we'd pay for dinner---or, that his dad would give us the money to pay for it. So, if we don't mention anything, Rich's dad goes on believing he footed the bill----and, i guess, if he isn't thanked for it by my parents, he will feel slighted? But, my dad obviously wouldn't thank Rich's dad for a dinner he paid for himself. And, if they both think they paid for it when only one actually did, well....let the confusion begin.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:38bfb8ea-0737-49f9-829d-3fcf5d9fffd9">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is Rich's take on it : "I agree that your dad is not paying for the dinner in order to get thanked. just like my parents aren't paying things to get thanked. having said that, I think that acknowledging people's generosity is kind of a lost art in this world. so it's important to me that people who are being generous are rightly thanked -- not in a big public display, but thanked gracefully. and I know my parents feel the same way. that's why I was saying that I would like to tell them that your dad is making the sat night dinner possible. not because he wants to be thanked. but because they would feel awful if they had this great dinner, all the while thinking they had paid for it, or that we had paid for it, or that some mysterious benefactor had paid for it -- when in fact it was your dad. I just don't think that's right." I think the part that's getting me all tangled up is the "acknowledging generosity" part. I want to acknowledge his parents gernerosity is making our wedding more possible. I'm not so sure I think my parents need to though.... ....<strong>I'm thrilled to know that in a week, I will never have to think about these things again!!</strong>
    Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
    Oh but you will, because this type of issue is not going to end with the wedding.

    Rich needs to understand that the generosity is being extended to you and him, not to your parents, or to his parents.  It's appropriate for the recipient of the gift to be thankful.  It would be strange if his parents gave him a TV set for his birthday and your parents thanked them for being so generous, wouldn't it?  I see this as a similar situation.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:38bfb8ea-0737-49f9-829d-3fcf5d9fffd9">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is Rich's take on it : "I agree that your dad is not paying for the dinner in order to get thanked. just like my parents aren't paying things to get thanked. having said that, I think that acknowledging people's generosity is kind of a lost art in this world. so it's important to me that people who are being generous are rightly thanked -- not in a big public display, but thanked gracefully. and I know my parents feel the same way. that's why I was saying that I would like to tell them that your dad is making the sat night dinner possible. not because he wants to be thanked. but because they would feel awful if they had this great dinner, all the while thinking they had paid for it, or that we had paid for it, or that some mysterious benefactor had paid for it -- when in fact it was your dad. I just don't think that's right." I think the part that's getting me all tangled up is the "acknowledging generosity" part. I want to acknowledge his parents gernerosity is making our wedding more possible. I'm not so sure I think my parents need to though.... ....I'm thrilled to know that in a week, I will never have to think about these things again!!
    Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

    Again, it's for your and Rich to thank your dad, not Rich's parents. No one needs to be bothered with who paid for what, as long as everyone enjoys their evening. Rich needs to let this one go. It is sounding more and more like he wants his parents to get more recognition. Just thank everyone for their generosity and leave it at that.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:2c5bc25c-97a9-4de7-8790-71829c82a8b8">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents thanking...parents? : Oh but you will, because this type of issue is not going to end with the wedding. Rich needs to understand that the generosity is being extended to you and him, not to your parents, or to his parents.  It's appropriate for the recipient of the gift to be thankful.  <strong>It would be strange if his parents gave him a TV set for his birthday and your parents thanked them for being so generous, wouldn't it?</strong>  I see this as a similar situation.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

    You just provided me with the perfect example to explain this whole thing to Rich without sounded stupid! Thank you!

    I do agree with you....I need him to see where I am coming from on this. I don't want it to constantly be a tit-for-tat thing for the rest of our lives with our families. Both sides are very generous---but, I really think that's on just <strong>us</strong> to thank them.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-thankingparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2df1d01-e8d1-4ccb-afc8-390424a7bfb2Post:f93e1d65-488d-4e32-a069-9ae342954874">Re: Parents thanking...parents?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents thanking...parents? : You just provided me with the perfect example to explain this whole thing to Rich without sounded stupid! Thank you! I do agree with you....I need him to see where I am coming from on this. I don't want it to constantly be a tit-for-tat thing for the rest of our lives with our families. Both sides are very generous---<strong>but, I really think that's on just us to thank them.</strong>
    Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

    This is what I think. If you want to, you can have some point in the rehearsal dinner or whatever when you and Rich get up and thank all your parents for their help and generosity. I think that would be fine. It's up to you guys to do the thanking. And if Rich wants to casually mention to his parents that your dad is chipping in for the dinner, I think that's fine. I can understand wanting to tell the person who made something possible how much you enjoyed that thing. I really like going up to individual people at a potluck and telling them their food was delicious, for instance.
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  • I would tell Rich's parents that your dad is paying for the meet and greet. Why not? My inlaws paid for a Sunday brunch the day after my first wedding and of course my parents knew they paid. I don't see why you'd feel you need to keep it a secret and it doesn't have to be any big deal; it could mentioned in the course of normal conversation.

    As for the thank yous, I kind of get what Rich is saying, but I think he's being a little rigid with it. People typically thank the host of a party when they leave (casually; think "Oh that was wonderful. Thanks for such a great time...") so I can see either set of parents thanking the other if they knew they'd funded the parties. But I also don't think it's "necessary" per se and I certainly wouldn't tell either set they had to. Just let it fall as it may.

    Honestly I think you're both overthinking this. Let Rich's parents know your dad is paying for the party. Let whoever wants to thank someone do it or not -- that part really is none of your business.

  • If Rich's parents believe they are paying for the dinner and now they're not, I think it's ok for Rich to let them know that.  Anything else is too much.  You all thank people who gave gifts/hosted/whatever, and leave it at that.
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  • Not to change the subject, but did you get the bouquet situation all worked out?
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  • generally, the host of an affair will stand up before the meal and thank everyone for coming... could you have your father give a small toast at the beginning of the evening thanking everyone for coming to Rach and Rich's rehearsal dinner, how happy he is for the lovely couple, etc?  this way, no one is outright saying to anyone, Rach's dad paid for dinner, but it is implied.  and if he was going to say something anyway, it's really just a change in when he says is.
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  • It sounds like his parents believe they are doing your parents some sort of favor and would like to be recognized. You should tell the parents that both sets have contributed generously to the wedding festivities and leave it at that.
    The wedding contributions are gifts to you and Rich not to the parents, so you should be thanking them.
                       
  • In speeches it's pretty typical for one set of parents to acknowledge the others and say something positive about them. It doesn't have to be in the form of a 'thanks for chipping in!' though, haha. In terms of you acknowledging them on the day, thank both parents for their support in putting together the wedding and leave it at that.
  • Could you or Rich do the initial thanking before the meal?  As in, one (or both) of you stands up and gives a bit of a toast.  You know, "thank you dad for bringing us all together to meet and relax together before the big day."  The only other thing I can see Rich straight out telling his parents that your dad is paying for the meet and greet.  Ball up.  "oh hey, Rach's dad set up a meet and greet at such and such a time, he thought Place X would be great for everyone."

    You can't tell adults who to thank and how and for what.  Tell Rich if he insists then this becomes his problem. :P  I disagree with keeping it all a "secret," I think that if anything is going to cause discord, it would be this (as each set of parents is assuming they're paying).


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