Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?

fireytiger · August 2010

So I am getting married in June, and I asked three people that are important to me to be bridesmaids not too long ago (maybe a month). They all said yes, which I was glad. Then, one of my bridesmaids got engaged about 2 weeks ago. She was super excited, and we all were too for her. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I ecstatically said yes! (I have never been a bridesmaid because I don't have many women that i'm close to, so i've never been a close enough friend to be asked). She talked to me every day for about a week, talking about her wedding plans, what she'd like me to do for her wedding, what expenses I might look forward to having for it, etc. I was okay with this, after all she is a bridesmaid for me as well.

Then today, while I was at work, I sent her a text message on my break asking her when we could get together to go dress shopping for her bridesmaid dress in my wedding. She replies with "ok. btw you and your FI (who had been asked to be a groomsman in their wedding) can't be in our wedding anymore, because my mom says we can only have 4 people each and you and your FI make 5 each. Sorry." I told her that her mom is wrong, she can have as many people as she likes in her wedding, and she says "ya but they're cutting costs and it's too expensive to buy flowers for you both too." (uh, what?) I even offered to pay for our own flowers, seeing as we're paying for everything else to be in their wedding, and she still said no.

I am crushed. What this says to me, is that neither me nor my FI are important to her, nor is our friendship important enough to her to include us in the wedding she already asked us to be in. We're so easily cut because of "flowers", which i don't believe to be the real reason (if it were, why would she still say no after we told her we'd cover that cost?), meaning she also can't be honest to me or my FI, whom she's been friends with for years. Do I have to let this person still be in my wedding?!

saxy414 · August 2010

Wow, that sucks. Hopefully the 27 girls who will ask about demoting/booting a BM this week will read this before they post. (Hey, one can dream!)

If you don't want to be friends with her, then treat it as ending the friendship, and the wedding aspect will be taken care of. I don't think booting her just because she booted you is right, and certainly won't do anything to help our friendship with this girl.

It sounds like she kind of sucks, so I probably wouldn't treat this as a relationship worth repairing. So, to actually answer your question, no you don't have to let this girl stay in your wedding. But, if you are interested in holding on to her as a friend and are able to move on from her bitchtastic move, then let it be.

Licia&Wayne · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-good-enough-reason-boot-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3daa21d1-4dab-42fa-b3c4-48d559b13d9dPost:e994e1ec-5e38-4cb9-b2a6-832a0ec29a37">Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I am getting married in June, and I asked three people that are important to me to be bridesmaids not too long ago (maybe a month). They all said yes, which I was glad. Then, one of my bridesmaids got engaged about 2 weeks ago. She was super excited, and we all were too for her. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, which I ecstatically said yes! (I have never been a bridesmaid because I don't have many women that i'm close to, so i've never been a close enough friend to be asked). She talked to me every day for about a week, talking about her wedding plans, what she'd like me to do for her wedding, what expenses I might look forward to having for it, etc. I was okay with this, after all she is a bridesmaid for me as well. Then today, while I was at work, I sent her a text message on my break asking her when we could get together to go dress shopping for her bridesmaid dress in my wedding. She replies with "ok. btw you and your FI (who had been asked to be a groomsman in their wedding) can't be in our wedding anymore, because my mom says we can only have 4 people each and you and your FI make 5 each. Sorry." I told her that her mom is wrong, she can have as many people as she likes in her wedding, and she says "ya but they're cutting costs and it's too expensive to buy flowers for you both too." (uh, what?) I even offered to pay for our own flowers, seeing as we're paying for everything else to be in their wedding, and she still said no. I am crushed. What this says to me, is that neither me nor my FI are important to her, nor is our friendship important enough to her to include us in the wedding she already asked us to be in. We're so easily cut because of "flowers", which i don't believe to be the real reason (if it were, why would she still say no after we told her we'd cover that cost?), meaning she also can't be honest to me or my FI, whom she's been friends with for years. Do I have to let this person still be in my wedding?!
Posted by fireytiger[/QUOTE]

Wow. Some friend. I'm really sorry that she decided to kick you out of her wedding. That is ridiculous, especially her flimsy excuse. Have you talked to her about how much it hurt you?

As with any case of "kicking out" a bridesmaid, the real question is, are you ready to end the friendship? It sounds like you may be, but be sure to examine it. You are feeling what she will most likely feel if you kick her out, although she sounds like a total jerk if she's willing to boot her friend out of her wedding party over flowers. Just get cheaper flowers, jeez. But kicking her out is a public slight and it could reflect badly on you when/if you kick her out.

To be honest, I would talk to her about how your feeling, and if she is unresponsive to your feelings, I would end the friendship and ask her to step down from my wedding party. It may not be what others advise, but that's what I would do if I were in your position. Just reflect on how you feel and if she cares how you feel, and go from there.

MairePoppy · August 2010

That depends.
Your friend is very rude and you know it. Do you want to be that way?

Honestly, I'd want to get even, too. But I'd take the high road. You probably won't see much of her anyway. She'll be too wrapped up in her own wedding. She may even drop out.

Take solace in the fact that you are off the hook for all the 'duties' she outlined.

fireytiger · August 2010

Let me explain: I do not want to kick her out of my wedding to be petty, or because I want to make her feel as bad as I feel right now. My reasonings for wanting to boot her out, is because she has shown to me through her actions that she does not care about me or my friendship, or her friendship with my FI. We have both talked to her, my FI even talked to her for several hours, and she continually made up bogus reasons, and acted like WE were the ones acting inappropriate, and seemed frustrated that we were upset at all! Like telling two friends casually through a text message that they're not really as important as previously implied is perfectly fine and normal.

I know it's wrong to drop a bridesmaid, which is why i'm so upset about it obviously! But at the same time, do I really want this person next to me on the most important day of me and my FI's lives?? When she's now shown us that our friendship is one that is easily discarded when inconvenient to her. The people in our wedding should be the ones most important to us, and who find our friendship important. So where does this person fit in anymore?

mbcdefg · August 2010

Wow, that sucks

CALL her, don't do this over text messages. You won't get the whole story over a text. And I agree, sounds like something else is up, not just the cost. Call her and get the real story. Who knows, maybe someone got ahold of her phone and is playing a cruel joke on you. (Long shot, I know.) As for what to do about this when you DO find out the real story:

If you want to remain friendly with her, I explain that this really hurts your feelings. Then take it from there. Hopefully she'll realize how wrong she is and what an awful friend she's being, and reconsider this plan. If you still want to be on good terms, that probably won't happen if you boot her from your wedding party. Like a PP said, you may just be dodging a bullet by not having to go along with her list of demands.

If this is something that makes you want to end the friendship (and I wouldn't blame you, frankly), I'd say, "In light of the fact that you'd rather treat me as a number than a friend, I think it's best if we go our separate ways. Don't expect an invitation to my wedding."

It wouldn't make any sense to boot her as a bridesmaid but still invite her to your wedding as a guest. This is either a friendship-ending move for you, or it's not. I think you'd be quite justified in kicking her out and never speaking to her again, but you can't have your cake and eat it, too, by kicking her out but still expecting to be friends. There's no reason why she's not good enough to be a bridesmaid but IS good enough to still be friends with you. It's either one or the other.

Is she from a culture or a religion where parents are really in control of their children, even as adults? Or do you think she's just lousy at standing up to her Mommy? If it's a cultural/religious thing, I think I'd be more inclined to try and look past this rudeness.

mbcdefg · August 2010

I read your followup:

If you've talked to her in person (or at least over the phone) and you don't want to be friends with her anymore, then yes, tell her that she's no longer welcome at your wedding in any capacity (bridesmaid or guest), and that your friendship is over.

The only thing I think is unacceptable would be if you told her that she's no longer your bridesmaid but she can still come as a guest. Like I said, there's no justification as to why she's good enough to be a friend but not good enough to be a bridesmaid.

gottahavashorti · August 2010

I still wouldn't directly boot her as a BM. If you want to end the friendship, end the friendship. Either explain the ending of the friendship in the manner that PPs have described or just stop talking to her.

It's not particularly uncommon for a booted BM to end a friendship, so it shouldn't seem unreasonable for you to end the friendship over being given the boot. It should be understood that she's no longer in your wedding at that point.

emilyinchile · August 2010

She kicked you out, which was a potentially friendship-ending move on her part. If you don't want to just be ok with what she did (which it sounds like you don't, and frankly I wouldn't either), then end the friendship. A result of ending the friendship is that she is no longer invited to your wedding, much less in it.

Like gotta said, I wouldn't call her up and say "by the way, you're not a BM anymore" as the first words out of your mouth. I would probably have one last conversation explaining how you feel that she would treat you and your FI this way and make it clear that while it's her wedding and her choice, that choice is not one that you can respect and as such you don't see how you can continue to be friends. Focusing on the wedding could make you seem a little petty, like you're just kicking her out because she kicked you out, when the real issue as you've said is that you just plain don't like her anymore.

fireytiger · August 2010

Haha, update. I have not told her yet that our friendship is over. However, now her and several of her friends are attacking us, saying that we are being immature and ridiculous, and that we should just be "understanding adults" and just accept it, and still offer to help out with her wedding any way we can. We have even spelled it out for her, telling her that basically, she has told us through this action that $100 dollars max worth of flowers is worth more to her than her friendship to us. And she still doesn't get it, she still thinks we're wrong and immature. I'm afraid this isn't going to end anytime soon, and unfortunately one of the people attacking me is her best friend, who also happens to be one of my other bridesmaids (she's a friend but she's closer to other girl than she is to me, so she's of course jumping to her defense).

aleighk1 · August 2010

This sounds like stupid drama now. If I were you, I would end all communication with her to avoid anymore arguments. It sucks she doesn't want you in the wedding (which probably has nothing to do with flowers) so if you don't want to be her friend then cut all ties and assume she knows she's not in your wedding anymore either. It sounds like you're not going to have a bridal party if your girls are friends with her and all of this drama is going on.

banana468 · August 2010

This sounds really unfortunate.

If only she came here first.

vegasgroom · August 2010

Wow, that is crazy; you've got a real mess on your hands. My first thought was anyone who kicks you out of their wedding party by text message in the middle of a conversation about when to go dress shopping for your wedding has already shown they don't value your friendship so cut her loose. The other friend getting involved who's in both weddings really makes a mess out of it though. I think you probably need to go have a face to face with that second friend, find out the real reason for you getting cut (she'll know or she wouldn't be so quick to jump on the defense I wouldn't think), but it sounds like if you want to keep that friendship intact as well you're probably going to have to bite your tongue about how disrespectful the first friend's action was and plead your case to this second person. Maybe you can get her to see your side and agree with you enough to let you make a clean break with the first girl without affecting yours and hers friendship or her being in your wedding.

Manwaithiel · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-good-enough-reason-boot-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3daa21d1-4dab-42fa-b3c4-48d559b13d9dPost:bf99cf6b-1a2c-464e-b68e-8623c540c1cf">Re: Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]This sounds really unfortunate. If only she came here first.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

That would have been a bloodbath for the ages.

"I want to kick out one of my BMs FI from the wedding party because I can't afford the flowers and because mommy told me to do it."

I would have sold tickets to that.

OP, I agree with the other ladies. If the friendship is over, then the wedding part is kind of an understood "boot out". You don't need to be like "You're SOOO out of my wedding." You can just say "I think you have shown you no longer want to be friends. I think it's best we end it." After the "break up" if she still seems to be under the impression that she will be attending your wedding in any capacity (I hope she's not that dense) then spell it out for her. Don't make this about the wedding, make it about the friendship. If you want to end the friendship, then do what you have to do.

MairePoppy · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-good-enough-reason-boot-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3daa21d1-4dab-42fa-b3c4-48d559b13d9dPost:49c48f0b-fffd-4200-aa79-1b0d9c679f05">Re: Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]That depends. Your friend is very rude and you know it. Do you want to be that way? Honestly, I'd want to get even, too. But I'd take the high road. You probably won't see much of her anyway. She'll be too wrapped up in her own wedding. She may even drop out. Take solace in the fact that you are off the hook for all the 'duties' she outlined.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

I think my answer sucked. Sorry about that. This person is not the friend you thought she was. She is the one who made the friendship ending move by dropping you and fi from the wedding party. She's hurt you badly and I don't blame you for not wanting her at your side, at your wedding.
If you are fine with not being 'friends' with her anymore, then by all means, ask her to step down.

banana468 · August 2010

I'd also possibly talk to the other friend who is another BM.

"Hey, I just want to bounce a few things off you. Would you mind meeting for coffee?" And ask her if she knows what's up and see if you can talk to her since she seems to feel fine about casting opinions about your feelings.

lilianne22 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-good-enough-reason-boot-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3daa21d1-4dab-42fa-b3c4-48d559b13d9dPost:6e0fb8fd-ea0f-4c33-99df-382937383cf7">Re: Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I agree with the other ladies. If the friendship is over, then the wedding part is kind of an understood "boot out". You don't need to be like "You're SOOO out of my wedding." You can just say "I think you have shown you no longer want to be friends. I think it's best we end it." After the "break up" if she still seems to be under the impression that she will be attending your wedding in any capacity (I hope she's not that dense) then spell it out for her. Don't make this about the wedding, make it about the friendship. If you want to end the friendship, then do what you have to do.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

This. Obviously she's not the friend you thought she was, sever ties now before the situation gets more dramatic.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

If the friendship is over, the WP aspect will take care of itself. What a shame that she was willing to end it over something so silly. She's nowhere near mature enough to get married.

elliestan · August 2010

good gravy, what a jerk! now here's my advice, take it or leave it.

Please just cut ties with her. when she texts, don't respond. if she calls, don't pick up. the flowers is a bs excuse. you and your FI need to drop the subject with her and her friends/your other bm because this drama's going to force her and possibly others to take sides and it sounds like the girl is already indoctrinating people. maybe she's feeling competitive, maybe she's just a brat; either way you don't need to be involved in her wedding drama and you and your FI should just concentrate on your wedding and only surrounding yourself with those who are better friends. next time you're with the other bm who was attacking you, she's bound to mention it. just brush it off like you're over the whole thing and tell her that you've got plenty to worry about with your own wedding and change the subject. just seem ambivalent to the other girl and her wedding (though you'll probably still be wanting to rant) and DON'T give the other bm any drama-talk because you know she's going to go back to your ex-friend with it. at this point, just write her out of your life. she's proven herself unworthy and immature and its for the best that you kick her to the curb now!

aerinpegadrak · August 2010

I think I'm going to bookmark this one as a cautionary tale for brides who think it's perfectly fine to give someone the boot over something so stupid. I assure you, you're better off without this person in your life.

Belle2Be · August 2010

So let me get this straight, you are really good friends with this girl, she makes a rash decision and invites a bunch of people to be in the party, and then when she finds out she can't have 5 and has to drop you its worth it to you to lose her really good friendship over? Yes, that is immature. It doesn't matter what the reason she says is, her MIL wants 4 BMs, and sometimes you have to go with the one whose paying for the wedding.

It's a wedding. It is one day. She didn't not want you to come at all, she just couldn't have you stand by her. It's not like she "de-friended" you, this isn't high school. Well, maybe it is for you, I don't know how old you are. Being a bridemaid isn't the end all of the universe, its nice and all but I would never ruin a friendship over it, especially if its out of her control, and if its a decision made by the MIL, than it is.

I honestly think you should step back a little. In the big scene of things, its not that serious. If you don't want to be friends with her, fine, don't be. But if she was that good of a friend, I can't understand why you would throw that away over a bruised ego and hurt feelings.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Before you do anything, cool off a bit and wait until the emotions aren't so raw. I know when I make decisions when I'm really upset, I almost always regret them, even if at the time I'm convinced that I'm thinking very clearly. You may feel differently in a week or two.

superheroprincess · August 2010

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

Even though you might want to argue your point with this friend just take the high road and don't give them anything to talk about. Show them who is the real "immature" one and don't respond to their stupidity.

Leave it for a month and contact the other bridesmaid and talk to her about dress shopping and see what she says. Tell her that your argument with X has no affect on your relationship with her and that you still want her to be a part of your big day.

Good luck!

monique026 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-good-enough-reason-boot-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3daa21d1-4dab-42fa-b3c4-48d559b13d9dPost:1fdd3790-ac7a-480e-969e-55af3f56aa70">Re: Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE] If this is something that makes you want to end the friendship (and I wouldn't blame you, frankly), I'd say, "In light of the fact that you'd rather treat me as a number than a friend, I think it's best if we go our separate ways. Don't expect an invitation to my wedding."[/QUOTE]

what she said

fireytiger · August 2010

Thank you so far for all of the advice and support. I do have an update. Apparently, this friend acted without fully understanding what her mother had said to her, and without her mother knowing she'd already asked us to be in the wedding. Her mom had asked her to try and keep it down to 4 people each without knowing that her and her FI had asked 5 each already, and this friend thought that meant she had to take her invitation back from us. She also had never mentioned any of this to her FI.

So, when her FI came home and found everyone knee deep in drama BS, he said "whoa wtf happened here?!" and when she told him, he said "uhh, no, it doesn't work that way, we can't just throw them out of our wedding party after we've already asked them." So then she talked to her mother, and told her what had happened. Her mother was horrified, told her that she was being an awful friend to us, that there was no reason we couldn't be in the wedding, if she had just said "but we already asked 5 people each" then they would have said "okay". So we have both received a heartfelt apology from her, in person (no more texting), and a request to have us in her wedding still, if we still want to. I haven't decided what to do about that yet. Considering she can be really ditzy and flaky sometimes, I can believe her story, and she seemed really sincere about her apology and offer (it didn't feel tainted, like she was doing it out of obligation or grudgingly or something). She had actually flagged us down at work (we all work at the same place, me, my FI, her and her FI) and seemed really upset and embarassed about the whole thing. So I don't know. I guess i'll give it some time and figure out where my feelings about it are by then.

banana468 · August 2010

It sounds like she honestly didn't "get" how bad this was until people told her.

And if that's the case, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

saxy414 · August 2010

I konw some ditzy and flakey people, and while this is on the crazy side, I can see them doing this without realizing how bad it actually is.

If you believe her apology and want to continue the friendship, I'd let it go. Still take a little time to think, because the ditzy/flakey will probably never go away, if not get worse through the wedding planning process.

I'm glad she got it straightened out though--what an awful situation.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I don't know if I'd still want to be friends with someone who, believing she had to "take back" an invitation from someone, would choose me to take it back from. Know what I mean? It's like she lay bare how she felt about the friendship.

I'm glad someone smacked her to her senses and that she gets it, but it would still give me pause that she didn't understand it herself, you know? Plus ditzy and flaky people can also be really insensitive to others and, to me, that might be the last straw. I've had many ditzy/flaky friends in my life but there does come a point where it goes too far and I have to ask myself why I'm still friends with someone who would treat me that way.

I would cool off for awhile and then decide. Like I said, when I'm knee-deep in something like this I always believe I'm thinking clearly but I'm really not, so maybe wait a week or so and see how you feel.

emilyinchile · August 2010

I'm with Brooke. I get that she didn't do it maliciously, but the fact is that she still thought that it was better to kick you out of her wedding (via text!) than to say "Hey mom, can we perhaps find a solution to this? They've offered to pay for their flowers." That for me would seriously change how I felt about her and our friendship.

marissa_claire · September 2010

I think she's making that up! NO ONE cuts a bridesmaid because of one bouquet and corsage. In the event she's making it up, and she most likely is, I would say that's something a friend would never do and more than just not letting her be a BM anymore she probably shouldn't be your friend anymore.

Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?

Re: Is THIS a good enough reason to boot a bridesmaid?

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