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June 2012 Weddings

Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)

FI and I were fighting yesterday because he stared to say I keep adding people to the guest list and now he feels like a bank (we are paying ourselves, 50% him, 50% me)!

The only people I added were my cousin's FI (she got engaged in Dec, I didn't even know she was dating) and my niece's BF (didn't know she was seeing anyone either).

He feels I shouldn't invite my niece's FI because he's never met him (and he doesn't really care for my niece, but that's another story). I tried to explain it's not the point of not meeting him, don't like whomever, it's that they are a couple and must be invited as a couple. Period. It's proper and would be rude if I didn't.

He also doesn't want me to invite another cousin because we never got a thank you from her wedding last July (she put monetary gifts accepted on the invitation and cashed our check the day after the wedding).  She's my cousin, and besides this act of rudeness has always been a great cousin.  I'm not going to NOT invite her because of a thank you note.  He wants me to be rude and not invite her.

Adding up alcohol costs (we're having beer/wine/sig. drink, he wants people to pay for their drinks.  I said no because it's rude!!!  He said we'll never "break even" (ugh!) and he doesn't want to be in debt because of drinks and hosting extra people he doesn't want there. 

I don't understand where this is all coming from, as we set the budget first and are STILL under budget!  We're not even going into debt or anything!  Just needed to vent.


ETA:  He gets that way every couple of months about the wedding and starts to stress, but after a few days he starts to realize we have it covered.  He's just stressing because it will be the most money we've spent on anything (obviously), but we aren't going into debt.  He just has a hard time parting with money, period.

Re: Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)

  • I am sorry you are going through this. If it were me, I would sit down with FI and try and come to the bottom of this. You don't want him to be miserable about the cost of the wedding. If you are both paying for 1/2 then you both have a say.
     
    As for your cousins FI, he should be invitedl; they are a social unit like you said.

    Just because you never received a thank you note from your other cousin, doesn't mean she didn't send it. It could have gotten lost in the mail.

    Do you have to have a signature drink? Can you cut that out? We are just having beer and wine. Alcohol can be expensive but if you want to have it, then you should pay for it. Cash bars are frowned upon in my social circle but some people think they are fine.
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  • edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fighting-with-fi-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:5562be9e-a6fd-4c67-90b0-231b0fc3b45dPost:9dafafde-6609-4900-a560-d6ff4417e806">Re: Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)</a>:
    [QUOTE] Do you have to have a signature drink? Can you cut that out?Posted by Ash61612[/QUOTE]


    I can cut it, but prefer not to as my family are not beer drinkers (his is) and don't really drink wine except a few people, so I wanted some other type of alcohol alternative they would appreciate because we aren't having open bar.

    FMIL said a few weeks ago they will pay for the DJ, photography, and RD.  The church we are using also waived their fee.  Those items were already in our budget, so all that money we were expecting to pay can actually be put toward the sig.drink and savings.
  • I'm sorry your FI is stressing out and taking it out on you. You're in the right here. Try and remind him that hardly any weddings have a 100% attendance rate and that you've already saved money in several areas that were already budgeted for.
  • What's more important. A happy FI and a happy you or having everyone there with eything your heart desires to have? It's a wedding, not a broadway production.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fighting-with-fi-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:5562be9e-a6fd-4c67-90b0-231b0fc3b45dPost:f18b00cd-9431-4904-8ea5-2209fcfd8334">Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)</a>:
    [QUOTE]  I said no because it's rude!!!  He said we'll never "break even" (ugh!) and he doesn't want to be in debt because of drinks and hosting extra people he doesn't want there. Posted by littleluckypenny[/QUOTE]

    You shouldn't have a wedding to make money, break even, or go in debt. Only do what you can do.

    I understand getting nervous because the amount of money being spent but it sounds like you and fi aren't on the same page. I think you guys need to talk about it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fighting-with-fi-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:5562be9e-a6fd-4c67-90b0-231b0fc3b45dPost:30bc8b1e-e280-47a6-a348-6d494a47560c">Re: Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)</a>:
    [QUOTE]What's more important. A happy FI and a happy you or having everyone there with eything your heart desires to have? It's a wedding, not a broadway production.
    Posted by peachykeen26[/QUOTE]

    I'm not saying it's a broadway production, but there are certain rules for hosting ANY event, especially a wedding:

    1. host what you can afford-  which is what we are doing, and are still under budget
    2. invite SOs-  I am not rude, so SO are invited

    Yes, FI and I need to be happy, but I'm not pissing people off by being rude and throwing etiquette out the window either.
  • Yes, I do think you are mostly in the right here, but it is something you guys have to work out together. (Lets face it, planning the wedding is one of the first things of many you will have to work through.) Maybe sit down with him and see if the budget you agreed on is stressing him out? Maybe you will need to pick up more than the 50%? I would sit down with him and see why he is freaking out over these small things. It may not even be those things that are really bugging him. Good luck!
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  • Hey hun; I'm sorry to see you stressing out like this! I was thinking of you today too!

    The wedding portion of the relationship is a make it or break it deal; we do the best we can sometimes but it always seems like it isn't enough :(

    Whatever, you decide to do know that your guests are going to love it and they're just going to be really glad they get to share your day with you.

    It doesn't hurt sometimes to try to get his perspective on things so you can work on this issue both ways around. I totally get that you're within budget because we are too and Mr. K is still looking for ways to scale back.

    Keep your chin up and try to have some fun with this process; you've got just over 4 months to go so try not to stress too much. I think we're just in the phase when things have to get done, vendors have to be paid for and it feels like we're haemorraging money. You know what you're doing and it's absolutely worth it! PM me later and let me know how it goes...I'll see you on the other board.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fighting-with-fi-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:5562be9e-a6fd-4c67-90b0-231b0fc3b45dPost:403238bc-0608-4cd0-a886-973062fe9c83">Re: Fighting with FI. vent (XP etiquette board)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey hun; I'm sorry to see you stressing out like this! I was thinking of you today too! The wedding portion of the relationship is a make it or break it deal; we do the best we can sometimes but it always seems like it isn't enough :( Whatever, you decide to do know that your guests are going to love it and they're just going to be really glad they get to share your day with you. It doesn't hurt sometimes to try to get his perspective on things so you can work on this issue both ways around. I totally get that you're within budget because we are too and Mr. K is still looking for ways to scale back. Keep your chin up and try to have some fun with this process; you've got just over 4 months to go so try not to stress too much. I think we're just in the phase when things have to get done, vendors have to be paid for and it feels like we're haemorraging money. You know what you're doing and it's absolutely worth it! PM me later and let me know how it goes...I'll see you on the other board.
    Posted by melntaitt[/QUOTE]

    Well said.
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