To Register or not to Register?

MRSreadcomicbooks · January 2013

My fiance flat out says no. I can understand why. He moved out of his parents' house two years ago now and when he did, he bought everything he needed new. As for me, I haven't lived with my parents for six years - and even though I didn't buy much new (mostly hand-me-downs) there isn't much I need now, after living with my fiance for over a year now.

He says we should just ask for money from people, and say on the invitations that we're saving for a house, or for our future, or something like that. That's all well and good, and we probably will get money from a lot of people.

That said, I think we should still register somewhere. We obviously don't have to register for much, since we have almost all we need, but there is ALWAYS the type of person who says "Oh, I have to get them SOMETHING" and they end up buying you the weirdest stuff!

My idea is to register on Etsy (because you can do that and I'm a HUGE Etsy fan), and then for those who don't want to order online, we can do the money thing. OR we can go to a normal place to register and only pick out what we really need (sheets, towels, etc) and leave the money option open as well.

What are your thoughts on the subject, ladies?

Also how can we word the asking for money thing without making it sound tacky?

[Deleted User] · January 2013

So I'm currently in a similar situation. My fiance and I have lived together for about a year, so we basically have everything we need. I started a registry just because i thought if people wanted they could upgrade some things for us. However, registering for Home Depot or Lowes could be a great thing. This way if people know you are saving up for a house, paint and hard wood flooring can be costly. So with a gift card from a guest, it could help you guys out. On the other hand, if you dont register for anything questions will arise, and at that point you can just explain to your guests that you would love a general giftcard or cash in leu of a gift.

hoffse · January 2013

Ok first. And this needs to be bolded. You do not ask for money, and you do not mention any kind of gift at all on an invitation. Got that?

What you do is make a small registry of a few upgrades for people like me (who won't give you cash ever, and especially not if you ask me for it). Those who are open to giving cash will see the small registry, get the hint, and then write you a check. You really should have a registry at least somewhere if you don't want to risk random gifts. When a couple doesn't register, I usually give them something crystal and generic. That is to my taste but may not be to theirs. To avoid this, you need a list with several options at various price points - under $10, $25, $50, $100, and maybe a few items over that.

I do not recommend an etsy registry, because many of your guests will have no idea what that is. Pick something that's relatively universal and that has a physical location. Remember how grandma has never heard of amazon and is scared of the internet? You need some place she can walk into. Macy's and Bed Bath & Beyond are probably the two most popular choices on these boards. Both are good, and both are everywhere.

If a guest asks you what you want directly, you STILL do not tell them cash. You say, "oh we registered at BBB, but we are saving for x." That implies that cash would be used toward thing x, without saying, "well I really want you to give me money. I promise to buy something worthwhile with it"

AddieCake · January 2013

Ditto everything Hoffse said.

Darbie914 · January 2013

Second to hoffse.

MRSreadcomicbooks · January 2013

The problem is, my fiance doesn't seem to realize how many people would just buy us something random (that we may HATE) if we don't have a registry. I worked at Babies R Us for three years and have seen that very thing through baby registries - "Oh, they don't really have what I thought they would have on here...I'm going to buy them whatever I want to buy them, even if they don't like it!"

hoffse · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_to-register-or-not-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:de2ec57c-4ed7-4147-916b-538df58141c0Post:1e8e6298-e12a-41b1-b518-bcd237f3cb56">Re:To Register or not to Register?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:To Register or not to Register?: OP, your location isn't listed, so please be aware that cash gifts are a regional thing, more common on the coasts. In the South and Midwest physical gifts are more customary. Personally, I would NEVER give money as a gift for any occasion, especially a wedding.
Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This. In my circle cash is uncommon. People like to give you something that you look at years from now and remember them by. That means that it's a good idea to give people a good healthy list of suggestions for what those items might be.</div>

jennyd412 · January 2013

In the Northeast its common to have a shower for gifts and money is given at weddings. If you are having a shower, definitely register, Ditto to PP who mentioned going with a store, not just online. We did Target and Crate and Barrel. I didn't think we needed much, but once we browsed we decided to register for "upgrades."

risingspirit · January 2013

I'm on the West coast and it is extremely common and practical to ask for money for a particular need, for instance help paying for the wedding (deeper in debt is not a good way to start a marriage), donations to a honeymoon or a down payment on a house. There are websites that set up these sorts of "registrys" leading the guest to links where they can input the amount they are donating and all they need to do is put in their card information. It can be tastfully done these days.

I completely understand not wanting things. And I would never buy a couple an item that specifically asked for donations to their funds instead. That would be disrespecful to the couple. Only the couple knows what they really need. I support your finance on this one.

As for Grandma, perhaps other family members can help her get on the internet to place her donation. Or she can just place a check in a wedding card that designates the fund of her choice. If she truly only cares about the couples happiness, then she'll be just fine. If she cares more about tradition that the married couple, oh well!

It all boils down to values and our need to control them or not in others. I value honoring other people where they are at and not judging what their needs are even if they are not my own. I know family dynamics can be rough, but I do hope that couples stay true to themselves and not copromise too much for their families less resentments build. Change can be a good thing. Tradition can be a good thing too. I see no reason not to have a bit of both. Good luck!

positivek · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_to-register-or-not-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:de2ec57c-4ed7-4147-916b-538df58141c0Post:0c1270e3-b485-45e6-8d27-72fe20fcbba5">Re: To Register or not to Register?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm on the West coast and it is extremely common and practical to ask for money for a particular need, for instance help paying for the wedding (deeper in debt is not a good way to start a marriage), donations to a honeymoon or a down payment on a house. There are websites that set up these sorts of "registrys" leading the guest to links where they can input the amount they are donating and all they need to do is put in their card information. It can be tastfully done these days. I completely understand not wanting things. And I would never buy a couple an item that specifically asked for donations to their funds instead. That would be disrespecful to the couple. Only the couple knows what they really need. I support your finance on this one. As for Grandma, perhaps other family members can help her get on the internet to place her donation. Or she can just place a check in a wedding card that designates the fund of her choice. If she truly only cares about the couples happiness, then she'll be just fine. If she cares more about tradition that the married couple, oh well! It all boils down to values and our need to control them or not in others. I value honoring other people where they are at and not judging what their needs are even if they are not my own. I know family dynamics can be rough, but I do hope that couples stay true to themselves and not copromise too much for their families less resentments build. Change can be a good thing. Tradition can be a good thing too. I see no reason not to have a bit of both. Good luck!
Posted by risingspirit[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Bravo to this final paragraph.

</div>

Pookieson · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_to-register-or-not-to-register?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:de2ec57c-4ed7-4147-916b-538df58141c0Post:d56cf8b1-7c4f-48dc-86d6-072267fd9847">Re: To Register or not to Register?</a>:
[QUOTE]There are websites that set up these sorts of "registrys" leading the guest to links where they can input the amount they are donating and all they need to do is put in their card information. Those "registries" don't care about etiquette, either. They are finished with a bride once her wedding is over. They can't make more money off her, so could care less if she offended her family and friends. Tradition and etiquette are two ENTIRELY different things. It is never polite to ask other people to give you some of their money. The fact that this is a wedding doesn't change that. It isn't necessary to "register" for cash. People already know money is always a welcome gift. They're quite capable of thinking of writing a check and slipping it into a Hallmark card on their own.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

What she said. I'm in California and I did go to one wedding that including they were registered for a cruise vacation and asked for gifts that way. I didn't mind the cruise thing (I was a little put off, but okay....) but it was included in the invite (ewwww). Other than that, I find it pretty off putting when I see registeries for cash, vacations, etc, but to each their own. I just know cash is always an option, I don't really need to be told that. Besides, someone may find a great buy on a gift and not have to pay as much, or maybe they feel comfortable with a gift that is inexpensive, but less comfortable giving a check for $20 kwim???? I just don't like the cash thing.

colleengilhooly · January 2013

\Besides, someone may find a great buy on a gift and not have to pay as much, or maybe they feel comfortable with a gift that is inexpensive, but less comfortable giving a check for $20 kwim???? I just don't like the cash thing.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

This. Cash is tight in our house right now (I just finished grad school last summer and we are saving to buy our first house) but I am able to always find a great deal on an item that the couple wants and still spend within my means. If I was told to give them cash I would feel put on the spot to either give more than we can afford or end-up looking cheap. I would be very put off. Please do not just ask for cash, no matter what you are planning to do with it!

To Register or not to Register?

Re: To Register or not to Register?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards