Successful charity registry!

[Deleted User] · October 2012

My husband & I had a charity registry for our wedding. We are in our mid-thirties and just did not need the kind of things that would have been listed on a regular registry. I know The Knot is full of etiquette-minded folks who do not approve of charity registries - so this post is not for them

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I had heard a couple horror stories of people with charity registries where folks just didn't use the registry. Instead the couple received lots of photo frames & other items that were basically junk, and no donations. I am very happy to report that such was not the case for us! Here are the things that may have helped our charity registry be successful:

--we listed the registry as one page on our website. This gave us lots of room to explain why we chose the charity registry & why those charities, specifically.

--We emphasized that we're older than dirt & already had most everything we needed. We tried to be humorous about it (we have 3 bottles of olive oil! Good gracious!

so it didn't come across as arrogant.

--We picked 3 charities: Heifer International, Parma Animal Shelter, and the Sierra Club Foundation. On the web page we explained why they were important to us. (We'd both donated to Heifer, Jeremiah had volunteered at the shelter & all my pets were from shelters, we both love the great outdoors.) I think giving a choice of charities was very important. Heifer received the most donations & Sierra Club, the least.

--We used the I Do Foundation for the charity registry, and just linked it from our website.

--We had a frequently asked questions page on the website, and answered two questions (among others): Does the I Do Foundation show how much someone has donated? (yes, we wish it didn't tell us that, but it did), and I want to give you a gift, not a donation to charity. What can I do? Answer: That is very kind of you to want to give us a gift. Ultimately the gift is the choice of the giver, not the recipient. We appreciate your generosity however it is expressed.

In the end, $850 was donated to charity. We received about an equal amount in cash or checks, a few gift cards, and also received a few items (a picnic basket with locally made foods/ingredients, a photo frame, a Christmas 2012 ornament, some artwork). I was worried we would get a lot of things we didn't want,or no donations to charity at all, but that didn't happen. I was very pleased with how it turned out.

Be prepared that some folks will be adamantly against giving to the charity instead of buying a gift, and that's okay. Other folks won't even bring a card! Ultimately the wedding is only about getting married - but it was a nice bonus to help others on our big day

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JoanE2012 · October 2012

Wow, mid-thirties is older than dirt?!?

artbyallie · October 2012

Totally agreed with Retread.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

Ditto Retread.

And I think the last time 30s was older than dirt is when girls married at 14 because they'd likely be dead before 40. I'm sure that phrasing went over oh so well with a lot of your guests.

Avion22 · October 2012

I have no idea why you posted this. Why didn't you just donate any money you received to charity? Or have a yard sale or run a 5K? Your wedding shouldn't be a charity fundraiser.

[Deleted User] · October 2012

Thank you for reminding me the one reason we did a registry. We were absolutely adamant that anyone donating as a gift, receive a thank you card for doing so. I've donated to charities in other people's names, and never had these charities request the honoree's contact information. We didn't want people to make donations in our name that the giver might think we would somehow know about, but in truth we'd never be able to thank them for. Some folks didn't mention their donations in their cards, or didn't give cards, just donations.

In fact, a couple people did donate to charities of their choice, and told us about it, and that was great too. We made a point of emphasizing the kindness of the giver in regards to all gifts.

Good luck to everyone - those who disagreed with our choice & enjoy posting about it, and those looking for more information about what might work. May you all have beautiful weddings & happy marriages!

MrsGandthebeag · October 2012

You could've just not mentioned charities at all and just took all the cash gifts your guests gave you and made a private donation. That way you could personally thank all your guests.

AdeleDazeem · October 2012

Charities are wonderful things. However, they are personal things. You all feel very strongly about the charity so I'm confused as to why you accepted gifts at all. I would've taken the money I received from the wedding and donated it myself. Instead, all you've really done, is now gotten money that you are keeping for yourself, and smiling at those altruistic people who gave up their hard earned money to the charity. I'm picturing you laughing and pointing at the suckers who didn't keep their money as you go to the bank to deposit your checks.

And mid-30s is older than dirt? Speak for yourself.

MyNameIsNot · October 2012

I would loved to have been a fly on the wall at your reception.

You really need to rethink how you do things in the future. You can be sure that your condescending behavior and "older than dirt" comments have changed how your friends and family think about you.

amymaysa · October 2012

I'm in my mid-thirties and do not think I'm older than dirt...Sucks you think you are

HeidiWard04 · October 2012

I have to agree with other posters.

While I support charitable donations in lieu of physical wedding gifts, a registry isn't the way to do it. As others have mentioned it would have been much more appropriate to say: "no gifts please as we are already well established". Folks who wanted to give a gift or cash anyway would have done so. You then could have donated the items and cash and notified your gift givers.

I found your comment that you received $850 in cash in addition to charitable donations particularly problematic. You didn't want gifts, but had no problem pocketing cash in addition to your guests generous donations.

Even via a charity registry, you are asking for cash gifts. That's just rude.

RebeccaB88 · October 2012

OP, this whole post makes you look like an incredibly rude, self-serving, and condescending individual. I can't imagine why you thought posting this made you look good.

I'd rather be older than older than dirt than make a fool of myself in front of my loved ones.

Summer2011Bride · October 2012

Besides being rude to ask for cash, I find charity registries extremely AW-ish. If you care about donating to charities, do it privately. You could have not said anything about charities and privately taken the money you received as gifts and donated where you wanted. When people do this, it makes me think they partly are donating just to have other people see how magnanimous they are. The thing is, when you are so public about it, it does the absolute opposite.

kristinanddan · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:1f2c0243-9101-4828-945c-7695f2adf85e">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]Besides being rude to ask for cash, I find charity registries extremely AW-ish. If you care about donating to charities, do it privately. You could have not said anything about charities and privately taken the money you received as gifts and donated where you wanted. When people do this, it makes me think they partly are donating just to have other people see how magnanimous they are. The thing is, when you are so public about it, it does the absolute opposite.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I really hope you took that $850 in cash you received and donated it to charity, otherwise you are a giant hypocrite. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

622beech · October 2012

I'm appalled at all the criticism here. The point of a registry is TO ASK FOR STUFF, and it's no less tasteful to ask for a charitable donation than for a fancy place setting; either way, you're asking your guests to spend money. The registry tradition exists to allow the bridge and groom to specify their wishes. So specify them. If you prefer charitable donations to three blenders, you can say so (nicely).

I'm particularly annoyed by the suggestion that if you REALLY care about a charity, you'll run a 5k, because hitting your friends and colleagues up THAT way is apparently more acceptable than redirecting a traditional gift-giving moment. In our society, it's rude to ask for money in almost every circumstance EXCEPT a wedding registry, which, no matter how it's done, is basically a directive telling your nearest and dearest where to spend their money. If the bride and groom prefer to pay that good will forward to a charity or two, it's their option to say so. If the guests prefer to give a physical gift anyway, that's THEIR option -- but as a wedding guest I have always felt better about making a donation than about buying six salad plates that will be used once a year, tops.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:0453322c-2325-4cbf-8273-90e6a2e83f09">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm appalled at all the criticism here. The point of a registry is TO ASK FOR STUFF, and it's no less tasteful to ask for a charitable donation than for a fancy place setting; either way, you're asking your guests to spend money. The registry tradition exists to allow the bridge and groom to specify their wishes. So specify them. If you prefer charitable donations to three blenders, you can say so (nicely). I'm particularly annoyed by the suggestion that if you REALLY care about a charity, you'll run a 5k, because hitting your friends and colleagues up THAT way is apparently more acceptable than redirecting a traditional gift-giving moment. In our society, it's rude to ask for money in almost every circumstance EXCEPT a wedding registry, which, no matter how it's done, is basically a directive telling your nearest and dearest where to spend their money. If the bride and groom prefer to pay that good will forward to a charity or two, it's their option to say so. If the guests prefer to give a physical gift anyway, that's THEIR option -- but as a wedding guest I have always felt better about making a donation than about buying six salad plates that will be used once a year, tops.
Posted by 622beech[/QUOTE]

Actually, registries began as a way to help guests keep from duplicating gifts. They are a guide, not a request and certainly not a request for money.

Avion22 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:0453322c-2325-4cbf-8273-90e6a2e83f09">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm appalled at all the criticism here. The point of a registry is TO ASK FOR STUFF, and it's no less tasteful to ask for a charitable donation than for a fancy place setting; either way, you're asking your guests to spend money. The registry tradition exists to allow the bridge and groom to specify their wishes. So specify them. If you prefer charitable donations to three blenders, you can say so (nicely). <strong> I'm particularly annoyed by the suggestion that if you REALLY care about a charity, you'll run a 5k, because hitting your friends and colleagues up THAT way is apparently more acceptable than redirecting a traditional gift-giving moment.</strong> In our society, it's rude to ask for money in almost every circumstance EXCEPT a wedding registry, which, no matter how it's done, is basically a directive telling your nearest and dearest where to spend their money. If the bride and groom prefer to pay that good will forward to a charity or two, it's their option to say so. If the guests prefer to give a physical gift anyway, that's THEIR option -- but as a wedding guest I have always felt better about making a donation than about buying six salad plates that will be used once a year, tops.
Posted by 622beech[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, hitting your friends up for charitable donations for a charitable event IS more acceptable than asking for charitable dontations FOR YOUR WEDDING. Weddings are not fundraisers. When I leave a donation sheet for a race I'm running on the break room counter at work, people don't feel pressured to donate. Those who want to will, and those who don't won't. </div><div>
</div><div>Weddings are different. Gifts are traditional (though not expected and certainly not required), and suggesting that someone donate to your charity of choice just because it's your wedding is really rude. If people want to donate to charity, they'll do it without you suggesting it as a wedding present. </div><div>
</div><div>Edited to add: I use my salad plates all the time, not just six times a year.

</div>

mysi019 · October 2012

I applaud you for wanting to give back to something becuase you feel you dont need all the stuff people would get you for your wedding. I also caught that you were joking around in it and one of the jokes you said was that you are older than dirt. I am sure people who really know you (your friends and family) would prob catch that. (becuase I am 29 and 30 is not older than dirt or atleast I hope not

)

There is no reason people need to get offended because you asked for a donation. If they didnt want to donate they didnt have to, just like if someone didnt agree that you asked for that $100 platter they wouldnt buy it for you.

I think that the reason you wrote this is becuase you wanted to let people know who were thinking about doing this, that it can work.

To each there own, if people dont like things than they dont need to partcipate.

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:7f8ae655-e6e2-4ffb-a858-7dc08873e892">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]I applaud you for wanting to give back to something becuase you feel you dont need all the stuff people would get you for your wedding. I also caught that you were joking around in it and one of the jokes you said was that you are older than dirt. I am sure people who really know you (your friends and family) would prob catch that. (becuase I am 29 and 30 is not older than dirt or atleast I hope not ) There is no reason people need to get offended because you asked for a donation. If they didnt want to donate they didnt have to, just like if someone didnt agree that you asked for that $100 platter they wouldnt buy it for you. I think that the reason you wrote this is becuase you wanted to let people know who were thinking about doing this, that it can work. To each there own, if people dont like things than they dont need to partcipate.
Posted by mysi019[/QUOTE]

Wanting to "give back" is laudable. However, connecting it to your wedding guests is not.

As noted above, weddings are not fundraisers or awareness-raising events. People do not attend weddings to hear about how their generous donations will help those who are suffering-let alone someone else's donations. They attend because they want to celebrate a happy occasion with the couple. Neither asking for money (whether for yourself or someone else), patting oneself on the back, nor discussions of pain and suffering are appropriate messages for a wedding.

If you want to donate to charity and relieve suffering, that's wonderful. Do it of your own funds and keep it private. But don't expect anyone else to do it for you, or use your wedding to pat yourself on the back. It does not come off as "gracious" or "selfless."

desimonstre · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:0453322c-2325-4cbf-8273-90e6a2e83f09">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm appalled at all the criticism here. The point of a registry is TO ASK FOR STUFF, and it's no less tasteful to ask for a charitable donation than for a fancy place setting; either way, you're asking your guests to spend money. The registry tradition exists to allow the bridge and groom to specify their wishes. So specify them. If you prefer charitable donations to three blenders, you can say so (nicely). I'm particularly annoyed by the suggestion that if you REALLY care about a charity, you'll run a 5k, because hitting your friends and colleagues up THAT way is apparently more acceptable than redirecting a traditional gift-giving moment. In our society, it's rude to ask for money in almost every circumstance EXCEPT a wedding registry, which, no matter how it's done, is basically a directive telling your nearest and dearest where to spend their money. If the bride and groom prefer to pay that good will forward to a charity or two, it's their option to say so. If the guests prefer to give a physical gift anyway, that's THEIR option -- but as a wedding guest I have always felt better about making a donation than about buying six salad plates that will be used once a year, tops.
Posted by 622beech[/QUOTE]

<div>THIS exactly. I think a charity registry is a great idea. 1.) You are not asking for money, you are saying "Look, there are people/animals/causes out there that need help a lot more than we need a new toaster- please show your generosity to us in our marriage to those who are in need" 2.) People should also be aware of the causes you are going to donate their money to- (as some previous posters have suggested doing secretly in lieu of announcing it via a registry) I would be really upset if I gave someone $100 just to find out they donated it to a cause I strongly disagreed with. I would have just bought them a gift instead of donating. </div><div>
</div><div>PS- its surprising how most of the women who do not find humor in the "older than dirt" comment are still lurking the Knot years after their wedding..<span style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#222222;font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:small;line-height:16px;">passée much?</span></div>

Jen4948 · November 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_successful-charity-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:66a24653-de2e-48c6-be2b-4f92c534812dPost:30d96b9f-85d3-4194-969b-0e778fa7a415">Re: Successful charity registry!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Successful charity registry! : THIS exactly. I think a charity registry is a great idea. 1.) You are not asking for money, you are saying "Look, there are people/animals/causes out there that need help a lot more than we need a new toaster- please show your generosity to us in our marriage to those who are in need" 2.) People should also be aware of the causes you are going to donate their money to- (as some previous posters have suggested doing secretly in lieu of announcing it via a registry) I would be really upset if I gave someone $100 just to find out they donated it to a cause I strongly disagreed with. I would have just bought them a gift instead of donating. PS- its surprising how most of the women who do not find humor in the "older than dirt" comment are still lurking the Knot years after their wedding.. passée much?
Posted by desimonstre[/QUOTE]

No, actually you're not saying "Look, there are causes out there that need help a lot more than we need a new toaster," you're telling other people "I'm such a wonderful person, aren't I, for doing this?" Not selfless and not appropriate.

Weddings are not the times and places to do awareness-raising. Your guests are there to celebrate with you, not to hear about who you think needs what. Maybe they don't agree that some cause is one they want to back. You're turning them into a captive audience on a day that should be about your own happiness and joy-not someone else's pain and suffering. If you want to give your own money to charity, fine. Just keep it to yourself.

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