Need advice on FMIL

geologybarbie · July 2012

Ok So I am newly engaged and need some advice concerning my FMIL.

What parts of the wedding planning is the FMIL traditionally ivnovled in? (bridal show, dress shopping, etc.?)

Specifically I am looking at going to a Bridal Show in a few weeks with my mom and my Fiance are going to be going. Is it rude not to invite FMIL? (she doesn’t live in-town, but only about 4 hrs away)

The reasons for my questions are below:

1. I am friendly with my FMIL, but do not necessarily think of us as close. I think she would like to be a lot closer than I am comfortable with to the point I feel she wants me to be her best friend and the daughter that she never had (Fiance is an only child). I however am not comfortable with this because already have a mother who I am very close to.

2. My FMIL can be very manipulative person she knows that an easy way to get her way with her son is to turn on the waterworks.

3. My FMIL is very focused on money and the prices of things to the point where I have asked my fiancé before not to discuss the prices of things with her. I grew up in a well off family where I was not use to having to worry about the price of things and both my fiancé and I have good jobs where we do not have to worry about money. However my FMIL is always counting her pennies and concerned over things being too pricey. Ex: She was asking us about ideas for the ceremony and we mentioned we were thinking about possibly a destination wedding and her response was that she was going to have to cancel getting new laminate flooring in her house so that she could save for the wedding. We haven’t even set a date yet! All this being said I don’t want her to have to feel like she has to contribute equally or at all to the wedding. The problem comes if she is involved in planning and seeing prices how do I keep from her feeling bad about contributing and or talking badly about the prices of things?

Any help with any of the above rambling would be greatly appreciated

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

Your FMIL can be as involved or uninvolved as you want. Honestly, if she is really interessted and wants to help out with something, I probably would, just to sort of start a good relationship and try to avoid any drama. However, you don't have to involve in her EVERYthing.

My MIL wasn't very involved in the planning process but didn't really want to be. Our relationship is fine but event planning doesn't interest her. It sounds like yours is different. Maybe pick one thing you think she would really enjoy helping with and invite her along to that appointment or meeting. If she makes comments about money, I wouldn't discuss prices with her (she isn't paying, right? If so, you definitely WOULD need to include her in all these discussions).

As far as being manipulative, etc., I just wouldn't give her the chance. Lets say you decide to invite her along for cake tasting. I would narrow it down to my top three or so choices and then ask her input. If you are fine with all three options, then it doesn't matter which one she thinks is best as you would be happy with all of them; however, it makes her feel involved and like you value her opinion.

ETA: I think it's fine to not invite her to the wedding show.

MairePoppy · July 2012

If you don't mention the bridal show to her, she won't expect to be invited.

2012FutureMrsB · July 2012

If she's not paying, it's really up to you how much you want to include her. I'm not very close with my MIL and our view on finances is very different. She kept offering advice and even contacted a few possible vendors without really consulting us first. We didn't mind meeting with the people she contacted, but we didn't book any of them b/c they were way too pricey for our small budget. We knew that ahead of time, but wanted to please MIL so we just went along and investigated. Beyond that, I really didn't discuss a whole lot with her. My H actually lived with her before the wedding, so he got to hear most of her crazy ideas and he shot most of them down before she had a chance to ask me. Poor guy

I did help her find her dress, which she really appreciated, and I also invited her to my dress fitting since my mom helped me pick it out and couldn't come to the fitting. I think she appreciated that, but she didn't seem very excited about my dress (might have been jealousy issues, but that's a whole other story).

So, bottom line, include her in what you want, but don't feel obligated to include her if you don't want to.

joe&cassie · July 2012

My FMIL considers me a daughter even though she has one and is so excited to be part of the planning process. Just because you already have a mother doesn't mean that you can't be friends or even close to your FMIL. It's a different type of relationship. It is the same sort of thing that happens when a child gets a step parent. It's awesome when they have a good relationship but it doesn't mean that they are replacing the parent they already have.

Ok off my soap box. what PP said sounds good.

cbradeis · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:31b9a7b3-7e64-4f2a-a829-57d99990c15aPost:5f4af157-3ca8-4554-bf56-4920d9f770ec">Need advice on FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok So I am newly engaged and need some advice concerning my FMIL. What parts of the wedding planning is the FMIL traditionally ivnovled in? (bridal show, dress shopping, etc.?) Specifically I am looking at going to a Bridal Show in a few weeks with my mom and my Fiance are going to be going. Is it rude not to invite FMIL? (she doesn’t live in-town, but only about 4 hrs away) The reasons for my questions are below: 1. I am friendly with my FMIL, but do not necessarily think of us as close. I think she would like to be a lot closer than I am comfortable with to the point I feel she wants me to be her best friend and the daughter that she never had (Fiance is an only child). I however am not comfortable with this because already have a mother who I am very close to. 2. My FMIL can be very manipulative person she knows that an easy way to get her way with her son is to turn on the waterworks. 3. My FMIL is very focused on money and the prices of things to the point where I have asked my fiancé before not to discuss the prices of things with her. I grew up in a well off family where I was not use to having to worry about the price of things and both my fiancé and I have good jobs where we do not have to worry about money. However my FMIL is always counting her pennies and concerned over things being too pricey. Ex: She was asking us about ideas for the ceremony and we mentioned we were thinking about possibly a destination wedding and her response was that she was going to have to cancel getting new laminate flooring in her house so that she could save for the wedding. We haven’t even set a date yet! All this being said I don’t want her to have to feel like she has to contribute equally or at all to the wedding. The problem comes if she is involved in planning and seeing prices how do I keep from her feeling bad about contributing and or talking badly about the prices of things? Any help with any of the above rambling would be greatly appreciated
Posted by geologybarbie[/QUOTE]

There is no rule about what she MUST be involved in, so do whatever works best for you. I'm in a similar situation, my MIL and I are not super close and often times makes snarky comments... that said, I didn't want her involved in dress shopping, It was important that me, my mom, and my sister had that experience without her "little comments" pissing me off!
You are preparing for a very special, once in a lifetime event. You have enough on your plate, so don't worry about her and her feelings too much. Work her into planning in ways that work best for both of you.
Regarding the money issue... same kind of deal. Plan it how you want and within YOUR budget (considering any contributions from your parents of course). Don't expect your ILs to contribute financially, they are not obligated to. If she makes little comments about the cost, address it, change the subject, let it roll off your back... "MIL, it's really important that we have (insert expensive item here), and it's covered within our budget, but that you for your concern. Hey! Did you hear the latest in the TomKat divorce???" Read up on curent events before you see her so you have some other topics of conversation (Hopefully you are more well-read than me, TomKat probably isn't the best thing to bring up!).

Maggie0829 · July 2012

Honeslty, it is up to you on how much she is involved in the planning.

If she is contributing to the wedding financially then she should most definitely be involved in the aspects that her money is going towards. If she isn't paying for anything then it is up to you to involve her.

If you don't want her to go to the bridal show then just don't ask her. Simple as that.

Muffin'sMom · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-advice-on-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:31b9a7b3-7e64-4f2a-a829-57d99990c15aPost:2ce7d9be-c24f-4436-a315-dbc9801455a2">Re: Need advice on FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL considers me a daughter even though she has one and is so excited to be part of the planning process. Just because you already have a mother doesn't mean that you can't be friends or even close to your FMIL. It's a different type of relationship. It is the same sort of thing that happens when a child gets a step parent. It's awesome when they have a good relationship but it doesn't mean that they are replacing the parent they already have. Ok off my soap box. what PP said sounds good.
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

This! And since you don't have a date, there is really no need to invite her to come from four hours away. I'd just really give her the benefit of the doubt and try to build a relationship with her that works for both of you. You will be related to her for a really long time...might as well make it friendly!

MairePoppy · July 2012

Joe and cassie made a very good point.You can be close to your FMIL without diminishing your relationship with your own mother, in any way.

shannyb41 · July 2012

Your FMIL sounds a lot like mine.

If she isnt contributing, like everyone else said, then she doesn't HAVE to be involved.
My FMIL drives me up a wall. She's a very nice woman but she's a busy body and has to be involved in EVERYTHING. I like to be left alone and prefer to not have people in my business all the time haha. The night we got engaged she was already asking me if we had decided on a china pattern (I'm not even joking, it was 10pm that same day). She told me a month or so ago that her and FFIL wanted to pay for the limo and flowers for the wedding. I'm respectfully declining her offer. She's the type that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. So I'm saving myself the headache.

Need advice on FMIL

Re: Need advice on FMIL

Choose Another Board

Search Boards