Living apart after wedding...

MirandaL23 · May 2010

Hi, I'm new to this but I was just wondering if any of you are living apart after getting married? My FI and I have been living three hours apart since August of 09 because I am working on finishing my doctorate and he is a teacher and coach. I generally see him every two weeks but it has been as long as 4 or as little as 1 before. Our wedding is August 13, 2011 and at that time I only have about ten months of school left and then I go on rotations who knows where. We feel like it doesn't make a lot of sense for him to move when we love where he lives now. Is anyone else living apart so they can finish school? Any suggestions on getting our friends/family to understand our choice?

frenchy730 · May 2010

Mind if I ask why you are deciding to get married before you finish your school and are able to live together?

I don't judge people who get married while in school if it works for them. How much longer would you be away due to rotations? Is there any possibility of him getting another position where you are? Or can you transfer to a school there?

LauraT25 · May 2010

A friend of mine did it. They got married shortly before she finished graduate school, and he still had some podiatry rotations left. I don't know all of their reasons for not waiting to get married, but it worked okay for them.

Of course she missed him all the time, but that wasn't much different from when they were just dating/engaged. I'm sure she got a lot of strange looks about it, but really whatever works for you.

diamondx423 · May 2010

Two of the women in my lab are doing this. They both married men that were ahead of them in school, and therefore left first. Its not that uncommon to live apart while one person is finishing their degree while the other is already on to a post-doc.

MirandaL23 · May 2010

We are not waiting because I don't have any other time that fits into my schedule and I don't graduate until December of 2012. Also, there are only five programs like the one I am in in the country, so transferring is absolutely not an option. And he has his exactly perfect job and I know I should be able to get a job where he is when I graduate. I will be on rotations for about seven months.

Thanks for the support everyone.

aggiebug · May 2010

what degree are you working on?

Several of my classmates that are living apart while we finish school. Personally if you do I would think you need to make an effort to see each other every weekend (obviously sometimes that won't happen).

Being in a LDR is exactly why we waited until May 2011 to get married, we firmly believe that is the only way we want to start our marriage.

frenchy730 · May 2010

Well I think if there is no way around it, you have to do what you have to do to make it work. If that means living apart for a few months, then that might be what has to happen. As long as you are both okay with this arrangement, I wouldn't pay too much attention to what other people say. It's not their marriage. They don't live your lives and aren't part of your relationship, so they dont' know what works for you two and what doesn't. Good luck! And congrats on perusing your dream career!

mandarific · May 2010

Not a student situation, but my sister married a guy who's in the Navy during his very brief leave from tour - he left three weeks after the wedding and has only been home once since, and they've already passed their one year anneversary!

So I guess I figure, if she can do it and not really live with her hubby, I don't see any problem with you all doing it.

FI and I are waiting for him to finish school ourselves so we can move back in together and start fresh, but what works for you works for you.

ChanelShades · May 2010

My friend's parents are happily married and currently living in different states. Her father got laid off from his job in NJ and moved to Michigan because he got a job out there. Her mother still lives in NJ. They are making it work. If your FI is happy with the idea then nothing else matters! Good luck.

Jon&Janet · June 2010

Hi Miranda, I'm not in your exact situation either but it is close. My fiance and I will be getting married in March 2011 over my spring break. When I get back, I have to finish the last 2 months of my 2nd year of med school and then take the boards. So we will have an amazing honeymoon and then 3 months of very little in person contact.

We will be married and not living together for 3 months. We see no point in him moving to my city, when I'm going to move myself in June to another location to do my 3rd/4th year rotations. He might actually move out to our new city earlier than I.

I know it's not the ideal situation, but it is what works for us. I'm sure you will try your best to live together as soon as possible.

M1ssJ · June 2010

miranda,

I am in the same place. My FI have lived apart for the majority of our relationship as I worked on my graduate degrees he decided to pursue a Phd which will keep us apart until the end of 2012, I decided to put the wedding off until 2013 only because I dont want to get so used to living apart that we dont know how to live together. Our families hate the long engagement idea but I told them "our marriage, your opinion", lol. Stick to your guns if it works for you!

MirandaL23 · June 2010

Thanks for the support everyone! If you can all do it then so can I!

Patineuse1124 · June 2010

I'm finishing up my PhD in Michigan and my FI is officially a NY state resident (his office is in our hometown, which is where we will be when I graduate). They let him work remotely half the month, so he is here half the time. So we will technically be living in different states for at least the 1st year of our marriage. It's really not that much different from somebody who has to travel all the time for work. Plus distance makes the heart grow fonder... missing somebody so much makes you appreciate them more. (and when your BF/FI/husband gets on your nerves, it's kind of nice to know that he is leaving in a few days and you'll get the place to yourself)

JessicaJones0930 · June 2010

I feel your pain! I am starting law school in the fall and my fiance is finish up his masters in public health in the spring and then starting medical school the next year. So, I will already have finished my first year of law school when he is just hearing back from medical schools about his admission. Transferring isn't really a viable option for me (if I want to have career options when I graduate) and I am so nervous that my fiance won't get into a medical school near my law school!

We have decided that if he gets into a medical school that isn't near me, we will deal with the distance for a few years. If you love each other enough that you are committing the rest of your lives to each other, then surely you love each other enough to make it work, despite distance!

Sure, it isn't the happiest transition into married life, but if it works best for you, that's all that matters!

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