Opened up a Can of Facebook Worms

IllusionsDepths · March 2012

So let me start by saying that I am in no way close to my father's side of the family. My father died when I was 15 and he wasn't part of my life while growing up.

His side of the family has been contacting me and trying to connect with me a facebook. I accepted 3 of them today. I login a moment ago and have a comment on my wall, requesting information about my wedding. Date, time and all that jazz. They heard from my half sister, who is the only person I have been close to and therefore the only person I have invited to the wedding. Unfortunately said relative lives in town. I don't know them personally, I have never been introduced. I have been receiving multiple private messages from family members asking about this and I have taken to going incognito on facebook so that they don't jump me since I haven't replied.

I'm just frustrated. They didn't want anything to do with me until after my father died. And then they start jumping at every opportunity to be part of my family's life. I can't take it anymore, I can't keep being asked about when they are getting an invite to a wedding, and 2nd and 3rd cousins I don't even know want an invite. I don't want to be introduced to family at our wedding. How would you guys handle the situation?

caitlinc09 · March 2012

That is a really tough situation, I'm sorry you are in such an awkward place with them.

I am a bit of a coward so I wouldn't want to answer them at all...but I also find it horribly rude when people don't answer my messages/emails so I would end up coming up with something to say.

The best I can think of right now is something like:

"It's nice to hear from you and that you are interested in what's going on in my life. Unfortunately, I have already made a concrete list for the day and I can't make any changes this late in the game. I would love to catch up at some point (only say that if you mean it though) and maybe after this stressful time has passed we can find a time to meet and get to know each other better. Thanks for reaching out."

I know it's super awkward and I have never been in this situation, but I hope this helps you from an outside perspective!

Good luck!

spalko · March 2012

I would be totally uncomfortable in this situation as well but I think what caitlinc09 suggested is a good idea. Sorry you have to deal with this

vineyard12 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_opened-up-a-can-of-facebook-worms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:45c4f643-8c6d-4bc9-a67e-4108b0ff18bePost:7375e86c-611d-4c66-bd99-f3c44ce04cbd">Re: Opened up a Can of Facebook Worms</a>:
[QUOTE]That is a really tough situation, I'm sorry you are in such an awkward place with them. I am a bit of a coward so I wouldn't want to answer them at all...but I also find it horribly rude when people don't answer my messages/emails so I would end up coming up with something to say. The best I can think of right now is something like: "It's nice to hear from you and that you are interested in what's going on in my life. Unfortunately, I have already made a concrete list for the day and I can't make any changes this late in the game. I would love to catch up at some point (only say that if you mean it though) and maybe after this stressful time has passed we can find a time to meet and get to know each other better. Thanks for reaching out." I know it's super awkward and I have never been in this situation, but I hope this helps you from an outside perspective! Good luck!
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this. Just let them know you are not able to add anyone to the guest list. Period. And stick to it.

Melissa51212 · March 2012

I agree with PP thinks iit was very well stated. Good luck

S0095042 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_opened-up-a-can-of-facebook-worms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:45c4f643-8c6d-4bc9-a67e-4108b0ff18bePost:7375e86c-611d-4c66-bd99-f3c44ce04cbd">Re: Opened up a Can of Facebook Worms</a>:
[QUOTE]The best I can think of right now is something like: "It's nice to hear from you and that you are interested in what's going on in my life. Unfortunately, I have already made a concrete list for the day and I can't make any changes this late in the game. I would love to catch up at some point (only say that if you mean it though) and maybe after this stressful time has passed we can find a time to meet and get to know each other better. Thanks for reaching out."
Posted by caitlinc09[/QUOTE]

do this, :)

AurorasEnvy · March 2012

Yeah, what PPs said. Sorry they are being super rude and awkward!

Killa2979 · March 2012

Yes I agree with PP's. I am sorry you have to put up with this.

deanabuonincontri · March 2012

I agree with the pp response, it's polite, short and well said. Besides, you are less than two months out from the wedding....way past the deadline to add people; especially people you don't really know.

fluttaby32 · March 2012

is it possible they are just asking out of curiosity? Ive been asked that by people I wasnt planning to invite, and I just smile and answer the question, tell them the location, whatever. If they decide to ask another question, I would talk about all the wedding stress and how Im not even able to invite people I would like to be there. Its less personal this way, takes them out of the equation, you dont have to assume they were inviting themselves, yet they get the hint anyway!

bpphoto785 · March 2012

I would keep it vague, they may just be asking about your wedding because it's something to start a conversation about. I would say something like: Thanks it's [whatever] date, and we're so excited! If you're willing to see them some other time I would add: Things are so crazy right now, but I'd love to get together over the summer. Or something like that. Then if they keep pushing explain that you can't add anyone to the wedding this late in the game.

deeNseth · March 2012

Yikes. I'm dealing with something similar in some family drama and the fact that my family is HUGE and we don't have the money to invite them all. I posted a general statement wishing I could invite everyone but my immediate family is too big. I'm hoping this will allow me to be able to talk about the wedding on fb freely without feeling guilty about the people who are getting left out of the invite list.

I totally agree with the pp but might suggest that you just say something about trying to keep it small, which people will hopefully respect more than the idea that you've made your list and you're sticking with it.

Good luck! Dontcha just hate the drama raining on the happy wedding parade?! :-/

toothpastechica · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_opened-up-a-can-of-facebook-worms?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:45c4f643-8c6d-4bc9-a67e-4108b0ff18bePost:bd7887fb-acd6-4564-b69b-d0b22e87e264">Re: Opened up a Can of Facebook Worms</a>:
[QUOTE]Yikes. I'm dealing with something similar in some family drama and the fact that my family is HUGE and we don't have the money to invite them all. I posted a general statement wishing I could invite everyone but my immediate family is too big. <strong> I'm hoping this will allow me to be able to talk about the wedding on fb freely</strong> without feeling guilty about the people who are getting left out of the invite list.<strong> I totally agree with the pp but might suggest that you just say something about trying to keep it small, which people will hopefully respect more than the idea that you've made your list and you're sticking with it.</strong> Good luck! Dontcha just hate the drama raining on the happy wedding parade?! :-/
Posted by deeNseth[/QUOTE]

I suggest not doing either of the bold.....talking on FB about wedding is a bad idea in general....even if people understand they are not invited, hearing about it in a general sence, is kind of a slap in the face. You can tell people that you are keeping it small...if indeed you ARE keeping it small, if you have over 100 people on the guest list, and tell people you are keeping it small and they ever see pictures with a room full of people (of hear from your half sister), they will feel very slighted, because now not only have you not invited them but you have lied to them.

I would suggest to do as other people have mentioned, asnwer the questions as vaguely as possible (when is the wedding? "at the end of may" instead of exact dates) and try and set up a time to meet after the wedding if thats an option, just be honest, "I have already reached the max people I can invite, and I am sorry that I couldnt invited everyone, but I can't, but maybe we could catch up over coffee one day?".

ladychambers83 · March 2012

I agree w/ PP, let 'em know it's too late to add anyone.

mandi921vh · March 2012

I agree with PPs, let them know that your guest list is concrete and you cannot accommodate extra guests. Is it possible they are curious about your wedding, but maybe not expect to be invited...?

IllusionsDepths · March 2012

I have even avoided talking about the wedding on fb. My mother on the other hand says everything on fb (she practically lives on there) and so I have had friends of the family asking her and i about the wedding. It got so out of hand that I flipped out at her and she hasn't posted anything about the wedding since thank god. It's one thing to decline nicely to non-family members. I'm just afraid to hurt anyone's feelings and it sucks. Half the time when I have ever called my dad's family with a question about my dad's origins (mostly for forms and such for government forms like social security and what not) they don't even know who I am. Thank-you all for your advice and support. I just need to be brave and deal with it. I'm an adult after all and I can handle this

joneka · March 2012

I have had a similar situation with family members that I dont know or dont know well...i just answer vaguely and let them know that I would love catching up at the family reunion this summer...this is not the time to invite aunt bessie that ive never met..especially when were paying per person

Opened up a Can of Facebook Worms

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