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Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?

Anyone?






What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 

Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?

  • That is what she said.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I want to know. I followed that thread forever.
  • Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2013
    Yeah! I was just thinking about that thread too! I wonder what the update is...

    Anniversary
  • There's not much to report. I'm not a confrontational person and did not say all the things I wanted to say. My father and I were going to discuss finances with my fiance to try to talk about the possibility of finding a place together, and then my father pulled me aside on Saturday and said that because it's likely that I won't be getting as many hours as I've been getting at my job (since a full-time employee that was away for a month is now back on the schedule), things would probably be too tight for us to realistically get a place right now. Later on in the day, I got upset and my fiance asked why. I told him that I'm very frustrated with my life right now because of my job situation. I also asked him what his plans were if I don't get a full-time job by the time we're married. He said that we can worry about that later; I said that it's six months away and it's something we should really start thinking about. He said he might have enough money for us to get a place. I asked him if he was upset that we weren't living together and he said something along the lines of, "It would be nice, but it's not something we can do right now." I asked what he planned to do, and mentioned how it seems like he has enough money to buy blu rays and other things for himself. He said he hasn't spent any money since September except for Christmas. I don't think we have the same view of what "spending money" is, and that's where the conversation ended.

    Not a satisfying discussion, and it will probably have to be brought up again. On the bright side of things, my interview for a maternity leave position that I had on Friday went well and I have a demo lesson on Wednesday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get it because it would really help me with all of this.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:f8648946-7ff5-4c5f-bd5f-f100d35e1e2d">Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]There's not much to report. I'm not a confrontational person and did not say all the things I wanted to say.<strong> My father and I were going to discuss finances with my fiance to try to talk about the possibility of finding a place together</strong>, and then my father pulled me aside on Saturday and said that because it's likely that I won't be getting as many hours as I've been getting at my job (since a full-time employee that was away for a month is now back on the schedule), things would probably be too tight for us to realistically get a place right now. Later on in the day, I got upset and my fiance asked why. I told him that I'm very frustrated with my life right now because of my job situation. I also asked him what his plans were if I don't get a full-time job by the time we're married. He said that we can worry about that later; I said that it's six months away and it's something we should really start thinking about. He said he might have enough money for us to get a place. I asked him if he was upset that we weren't living together and he said something along the lines of, "It would be nice, but it's not something we can do right now." I asked what he planned to do, and mentioned how it seems like he has enough money to buy blu rays and other things for himself. He said he hasn't spent any money since September except for Christmas. I don't think we have the same view of what "spending money" is, and that's where the conversation ended. Not a satisfying discussion, and it will probably have to be brought up again. On the bright side of things, my interview for a maternity leave position that I had on Friday went well and I have a demo lesson on Wednesday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get it because it would really help me with all of this.
    Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm sorry your discusion didn't go as well as you planned.  Good luck with the interview.</div><div>
    </div><div>FWIW - I can't speak about others, however I would NEVER, I mean NEVER discuss my finances with my husband and my MIL together.   It's fine to get opinions, but having daddy sit down to go over things would not go over very well with a lot of people.  It might feel like an ambush to some people.  I would rethink that in the future.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I was only considering it because I thought it might help to have an adult opinion on finances, since we're both young and I know that I personally don't know what things cost, since I haven't had the experience of living on my own. I see your viewpoint as well. 
  • There is a huge difference between to 2 adults going together to a parent and asking advice and a round-table meeting with your future bride and her father to go over he if has enough money to provide for his little girl.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Okay. I don't disagree with you.
  • I hope things go better; however you said wanted an "adult" opinion-- You and FI are adults, and I personally would not get married if I didn't think me and FI were not "adults."  He needs to grow up and start acting like an adult ASAP.   I do hope you guys can come up with a budget and plan of action. I agree getting your dad's opinion will be helpful, but that should be between you and your dad and then you can present ideas to your FI on your own.  I'm sure that would intimidate your FI if your dad had to tell him how to manage his money and take care of his daughter (not saying you have to be taken care of but you know what i mean). 

    Its hard no matter what age you are-- FI and I are 30, and we moved back to his home town last year so he could open a business.  To save money so he had money to put in to the business, we are living with his mom.  We thought we only would need to do that for a year, but we are about 18 months into that arrangement.   Luckily that worked out so its not awkward, but we talk everyday about how we can't wait until we are back in our own house and have taken all the necessary steps to get us there.  We have a budget and monthly goals money wise-- we have a joint account (in addition to our personal) so we can maintain our own finances but also maintain an account together.  We each put money into the joint account and have started the house buying process since it can take time (renting up here is the same as a mortgage payment so its better in our case to just buy if we can).  We are getting married in June, and plan to be in our own house by then or at least in escrow.

    Keep working on that with FI.  Personally, I could not get married if my FI was not financially stable to maintain a suitable living situation.  Its one thing to live apart  when dating, but when you are married you should be living at least together.  Even living with family or a friend is better than living apart after you are married. I lived with my best friend and her husband moved in "officially" for a few months after they were married. 1)we didn't want to break our lease and 2)  It helped us out both financially to continue being roomates for a few months until we could transition into our separate lives. 

    Good Luck with the job interview; hope you can find something permanent, and I hope you and FI can work out money siuation so you guys can take necessary steps to be where you need to be financially.

    image

    Anniversary
  • I agree with Stage.



  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited January 2013
    Marriage is for adults. If you don't actually see you or your FI as "adults" (And you don't, because you wouldn't have brought Daddy in for an "adult" opinion on your finances if you did), then you have zero business getting married.

    The wedding is 6 months away, and there is no sign of you 2 actually having a place of your own to live in when that time rolls around. You should postpone the wedding until you have a very clear plan on when/how you will be able to live together under way. Yes, losing deposits sucks, but you know what will suck even more? Spending your first anniversary driving to visit him at his mom's house because you guys never got on the same page about money and housing and oops, finding a house/apartment/whatever just never wound up happening.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:f8648946-7ff5-4c5f-bd5f-f100d35e1e2d">Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I asked him if he was upset that we weren't living together and he said something along the lines of, "It would be nice, but it's not something we can do right now." On the bright side of things, my interview for a maternity leave position that I had on Friday went well and I have a demo lesson on Wednesday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get it because it would really help me with all of this.
    Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]

    First off congrats on your interview.  I really hope that works out for you.  Because regardless of what happens with your FI you obviously have to keep your eyes on the prize where your own progress is concerned.

    But I was shocked by the fact that you asked your FI if he was upset that you two weren't living together and he said, "<strong>It would be nice</strong>, but it's not something we can do right now."

    PPs have given you a lot of food for thought so I will just say that it seems clear that you are driving this relationship train with a focus on your dream outcome using your own motivation, determination and momentum.  You deserve a partner who is walking that path with you and not constantly bringing up the rear. 

    Do you really want to marry someone in less than six months who is so nonchalant about being in the same home with you?  Do you really want to be the one so eager for him while the most he can say is<strong> "It would be nice?"  </strong>You deserve better.  And hopefully as soon as you realize it you will demand it and if you don't get it you'll do the right thing for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:164ab629-2256-44d4-b2b2-1ae021d9f11f">Re:Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?: I have to be honest, if YOU don't even consider yourself an "adult" when it comes to finances and you readily admit that you have no clue how much things cost, you have no business getting married right now. Postpone the wedding until you are able to have a serious conversation about finances without parental guidance.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This.

    For this issue you need to be confrontational.  You need to say everything that you are thinking.  It seems like your FI is overly optimistic that things will just work out on their own, which from my life experience is not true.  If you want somethig to work you need to actually make it happen.

    I agree with PP that if living together after marriage is not an option then that would be a deal breaker.  I am sorry but why have you waited so long to really figure this out.  I would be freaking out if I was 6 months away from saying "I Do" and have no idea how my future H and I would live.  There would be no way that after the wedding was over with I would be happy with him going back to his parents and me back to mine.

    You should really postpone this wedding until you are both financially stable, or at least have some sort of plan in the works to get you into the living situation you would like to be in.  I know in a previous post that you don't want to give up yet on being a teacher, but sometimes life just doesn't go the way we want it.  I would personally look for a full-time job outside of the education sector while still continuing to do part-time work with SAT prep and anything else you can do on the weekends or evenings to build up your resume.  This way you can still work towards being a teacher but at least have a full-time income with benefits to help support your new family.

    As with your Father, I think using him as a resource to get information about how much bills usaully are is a good thing.  I had to do the same when H and I were first talking about moving in together.  Neither or us knew how much the cable bill was or the gas and electric bill, so I had to get that info from my parents.  However, when H and I discussed finances we did it with just the two of us.

    It is a realy worry that you can't fully express yourself and your feelings about this issue to your FI.  Finances are a big reason why people get divorced and if you can't talk about them openly now it won't get any better once you get married.

  • I apologize for the poor choice of words. I do consider myself an adult, and him as well. I looked to my parents for advice and was planning on discussing what we talked about with my fianc. My dad made the offer to help me with this because he knew I was upset. I do know that this is obviously something that we would be better off discussing on our own. I'm aware that perhaps you all are trying to help, but at this point, it seems more like I'm getting ganged up on. I don't really need a bunch of strangers putting down all of my choices. I know I opened myself up to that when I poste to begin him, but I just wanted some moral support. I'll stick to my friends and family.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:6568dc07-59c3-4a51-94fc-b228b1b7aba8">Re:Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I apologize for the poor choice of words. I do consider myself an adult, and him as well. I looked to my parents for advice and was planning on discussing what we talked about with my fianc. My dad made the offer to help me with this because he knew I was upset. I do know that this is obviously something that we would be better off discussing on our own. I'm aware that perhaps you all are trying to help, but at this point, it seems more like I'm getting ganged up on. <strong>I don't really need a bunch of strangers putting down all of my choices. I know I opened myself up to that when I poste to begin him, but I just wanted some moral support. I'll stick to my friends and family.
    </strong>Posted by katiej1218[/QUOTE]

    Unlike friends and family, us internet strangers are not afraid to tell you the truth and possibly hurt your feelings with the truth.  Family and friends will provide the emotional support you need but they won't always be completely truthful with you about your situation.

    With all of your posts there are a lot of red flags.  We aren't saying that you have to give up totally on your relationship or you can never be a teacher.  We are saying that you and your FI are not really in a great place to get married at the moment.  In 6 months you are going to be man and wife but you have no real plan for your future, let alone have had a really serious and open conversation about it to figure things out.  How is that not a big red flag?

  • Telling you to postpone the wedding until you are on the same page about finances and have a plan in place for a place to live after the wedding is NOT "ganging up on you", it's something that you NEED to hear if you want a marriage with this guy to have a snowball's chance. The fact that your family members AREN'T telling you this concerns me. My theoretical child would be getting married over my dead body if the wedding was in 6 months and there was absolutely no plan in sight for living arrangements or how money would be handled.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • I understand why you feel that your father would be a good source of financial advice, but it's really inappropriate to involve him in your relationship like that.  He's coming into the situation with a very obvious, but understandable, bias. If the two of you need some guidance on financial matters or anything else of a serious nature, an objective, qualified third party is where you need to look- a financial advisor or a mental health professional.

    Your family and friends are good people to turn to for support, but not necessarily good people to turn to for the truth.  You know how you said you're not confrontational and you're having a difficult time verbalizing all of your thoughts to your fiance?  That's how your friends and family feel about you.  Again, this is understandable because they love you, but it means that it's going to be difficult for them to tell you things that you might interpret as being critical of yourself, your fiance, or your relationship.

    I'm sorry to tell you this, but I agree with everyone else that there are many signs here indicating that neither of you is ready for marriage.  By your own admission, you have no idea how much it costs to support yourself in the real world.  I understand why your fiance is concerned about financial stability- that's smart.  What is concerning is that he seems to place full responsibility for your financial stability as a couple on you.  You both need to live apart from your parents for awhile before living together.

    You also need to accept that you might not get a teaching job, maybe even for a few years, and find something else that pays the bills in the meantime while you continue looking for something better.  Lots of people have to do this, regardless of their chosen field, especially in this economy.  I have a friend who worked at Best Buy for three years while he looked for a teaching job.  I waited tables for months after I graduated because nothing on my desired career track panned out right away.  My sister has been working at the local credit union for over a year while she looks for something else.  It's not her dream but the pay and hours are decent and she has health insurance for herself and her family.  Find something that you can support yourself with for the time being and fit in education-related side jobs whenever you can.

    It is VERY troubling that after all this time, you don't feel comfortable bringing up serious topics for discussion with your fiance.  You're correct that your fiance's attitude that everything will work itself out is naive and shortsighted.  But if you can't talk about that with him because it's always going to turn into an argument, it doesn't matter.  Marriage sometimes requires that you be confrontational.  If you aren't ready to do that, and he isn't ready to be receptive to another person's thoughts and feelings, neither of you should be getting married in the very near future.

    You're obviously very stressed because you have this six-month deadline looming over you.  That the prospect of a wedding in six months is making you anxious instead of excited should tell you something.  That deadline is completely arbitrary- why not change it?  Why not take the pressure off yourself and your relationship?  Why wouldn't you give yourselves all the time you need to figure out your life together and give your marriage the best possible chance for success? 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:ebed482f-b2a7-4dfa-844b-806d6d71add5">Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I understand why you feel that your father would be a good source of financial advice, but it's really inappropriate to involve him in your relationship like that.  He's coming into the situation with a very obvious, but understandable, bias. If the two of you need some guidance on financial matters or anything else of a serious nature, an objective, qualified third party is where you need to look- a financial advisor or a mental health professional. Your family and friends are good people to turn to for support, but not necessarily good people to turn to for the truth.  You know how you said you're not confrontational and you're having a difficult time verbalizing all of your thoughts to your fiance?  That's how your friends and family feel about you.  Again, this is understandable because they love you, but it means that it's going to be difficult for them to tell you things that you might interpret as being critical of yourself, your fiance, or your relationship. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I agree with everyone else that there are many signs here indicating that neither of you is ready for marriage.  By your own admission, you have no idea how much it costs to support yourself in the real world.  I understand why your fiance is concerned about financial stability- that's smart.  What is concerning is that he seems to place full responsibility for your financial stability as a couple on you.  You both need to live apart from your parents for awhile before living together. You also need to accept that you might not get a teaching job, maybe even for a few years, and find something else that pays the bills in the meantime while you continue looking for something better.  Lots of people have to do this, regardless of their chosen field, especially in this economy.  I have a friend who worked at Best Buy for three years while he looked for a teaching job.  I waited tables for months after I graduated because nothing on my desired career track panned out right away.  My sister has been working at the local credit union for over a year while she looks for something else.  It's not her dream but the pay and hours are decent and she has health insurance for herself and her family.  Find something that you can support yourself with for the time being and fit in education-related side jobs whenever you can. It is VERY troubling that after all this time, you don't feel comfortable bringing up serious topics for discussion with your fiance.  You're correct that your fiance's attitude that everything will work itself out is naive and shortsighted.  But if you can't talk about that with him because it's always going to turn into an argument, it doesn't matter.  Marriage sometimes requires that you be confrontational.  If you aren't ready to do that, and he isn't ready to be receptive to another person's thoughts and feelings, neither of you should be getting married in the very near future. You're obviously very stressed because you have this six-month deadline looming over you.  That the prospect of a wedding in six months is making you anxious instead of excited should tell you something.  That deadline is completely arbitrary- why not change it?  Why not take the pressure off yourself and your relationship?  Why wouldn't you give yourselves all the time you need to figure out your life together and give your marriage the best possible chance for success? 
    Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

    Well said!!

    Please OP, listen to this advice because it is very good advice.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_anybody-else-wondering-what-the-update-of-cant-afford-to-live-with-her-fi-girl-is?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:e4ba2584-89c8-4a7a-9bad-b4398b152266Post:05202502-e82a-4dcb-b329-b310fd71b2fe">Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Anybody else wondering what the update of can't afford to live with her FI girl is? : Well said!! Please OP, listen to this advice because it is very good advice.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    I second this. Could not have said it better myself.
  • I understand OP.  I went through a relationship where people tried to tell me one thing but I was looking at things through rose colored glasses and thought they didn't understand and if I just tried harder I could make things happen the way I wanted them to.  So I did it my way, I got burnt and now I look back on what other people told me and even though I didn't listen at the time I'm glad they told me the truth.  Because after my head and eyes were clear and not influenced by being with someone for a long time I was able to assert myself as a woman who would never settle for less again.  I was able to grow into someone who was ready when me and my FH began dating.  So, it's ok that you are turned off by what we're saying now.  I wholeheartedly believe that one day you will look back at what PPs have said and totally get why things were told to you.  Right now it appears you're not ready for this brand of honesty.  But that's why they say the truth hurts.  I really wish you all the best and know we are rooting for your success in whatever form that takes.
  • This is how divorces happen. 

    Do you hear that voice in the back of you head telling you that this situation doesn't feel good?  Do you hear it saying "is it me or should FI be doing more...."  Do you hear all of these unbiased strangers saying "caution!  red flags ahead!" 

    Listen to them.

    It doesn't mean you and FI can't be together.  It doesn't mean that it won't work out.  It just means that you are not ready to get married in 6 months.

    Listen to them.  You'll either pay for it now or pay for it later but this is not something that will just go away through sheer wanting it to be different.
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  • You really need to delay the wedding until you have your finances and living situation under control -- that's a LOT more important than being married right now.

  • No one is ganging up on you. They are trying to help. If you didn't have serious doubts you wouldn't have posted and kept posting. I know there is a voice in the back of your head that is telling you not to marry him. And it can work if you both learn to work as a team, it just sounds like you guys need more time to get financially stable and learn how to connect and communicate, also if you don't know how much things cost you should look cost of living in your area over all, being pro-active in this situation would be a good idea, doesn't necessarily mean you aren't ready to be married but not learning does. But you need to be confrontational with your FI if you aren't now you won't be later. I also worry about his part in all this, you NEED to sit down and have a serious talk with him about his finances if your gonna be married you need to sort it out now and if he isn't comfortable talking to you about it then he isn't ready to be married. Money is the #1 reason people get divorced above all else. Me and my FI we both have separate accounts and a closed joint account (meaning i don't have access to his money and he doesn't have access to mine for bill purposes)  but he knows he can look at my account anytime, as well as I can look at his. Trust and communication are also on the top of the list of why people get divorced. This is why you two should live together before getting married. Also living with someone is way different than staying the night with them or even over a weekend, because you don't get the same freedom. I know many people don't live together first not saying you have to, but it's something to think about. But he doesn't seem as interested in this as you do, it concerns me because he may not want to leave his mommy. But totally break down both of your finances together and really figure out what his version of "not buying things is" and I am not trying to nag you, but these are really big things, they can be worked on and really if you two work together it could be a shorter amount of time than you think!
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  • OP, I agree with the other posters, and we're not ganging up on you.

    I am a teacher too. But in order to work in my field, I had to move to the other end of my province. It was a tough decision, but it was the right one for my family. I am on my second replacement position and will be here until June, and am very likely to get another job for next year. Had I stayed where I was, I'd be back to waiting tables to pay the bills. This is my decision, and I'm owning it. You need to do this too. Decide that if you want to teach, you may have to move, or if you want to stay where you are, accept that you may have to find a different job.

    I'm going to throw something else out there too. You need to live on your own for a while. Get to know what it's like to pay your own bills and be responsible for your own household. It's scary sometimes, but also very necessary.

    It sounds to me like your FI has different priorities than you, and postponing the wedding would be a smart decision. If nothing else, it might get him to realize that you have things that need to be settled, and it would light a fire under him, so to speak.

    Good luck.
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  • OP, you are not alone. The number one reason for divorce is fighting over money.



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