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Wedding Woes
Wish we could just elope
I don't know how many of you will be able to relate to this one but I figured I may as well give it a try. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and it has been clear from the start that we're in it for life. He's a wonderful man and we are perfect for one another- super, crazy happy together 
We began discussing becoming engaged a few months ago. We have looked at rings together and I know a proposal is coming in the not *too* distant future (probably around the holidays). We have talked at length about what we would like and what is most imporatnt to us. Hence, my creating a Knot account.
However, he and I have some different notions of how a wedding should go down and I'm trying to get input on how to arrive at a compromise that will satisfy us both.
#1) The $$$- He feels our families should foot the bill. My family is unable to pay for anything so that's not really an option. HIS family is happy to pay but I am concerned that allowing them to pull the strings financially will give them a great deal of control over the wedding itself. (i.e.- if they are paying for the food they will want a final say on the menu, etc)
I would prefer to pay for the wedding ourselves but he is less than excited to foot the bill.
#2) The Guest List- My list would be only about 40 people long. His is well over 100. I understand that his family is much larger than mine and so there will likely be more people on his side of the aisle than mine but there are a fair number of guests he would want to invite that I have never even met. (Ex. Friends of his fathers from work, relatives from Italy, etc. He assures me that if his parents are willing to pay I need not be concerned- but I was all about the super small, intimate affair and I can see that slipping away from me with each potential guest added on. Plus, as I said, I would *really* prefer to pay for the wedding ourselves.)
#3) The Hooplah- A lot of girls dream about their weddings. I was not one of those girls! I wanted to elope. He wants a black tie affair. We agreed to meet somewhere in the middle with a small but beautiful outdoor ceremony followed by a reception. But there is SO much I didn't think of! An engagement party? Really? And engagement photos? And when I said I didn't want a bridal shower or bachelorette party he was stunned. He's concerned his family's feelings will be hurt if we don't have all the expected bells and whistles and if we tell them we want to pay for things ourselves.
I think the wedding hooplah will just stress me out. I want to be able to enjoy getting married, of course, but I'm wondering how assertive I can be about my wants before I
step on his toes/hurt his mom's feelings/appear ungrateful.
I'm not even weraing the ring yet but I'm already feeling the pressure! I know I'm supoosed to want the big white dress and the attention and the flowers and the cake tasting and the monogramed napkins and all that crap but, God help me, just the thought of all the details is giving me ageda!
Anyone have any thoughts?
We began discussing becoming engaged a few months ago. We have looked at rings together and I know a proposal is coming in the not *too* distant future (probably around the holidays). We have talked at length about what we would like and what is most imporatnt to us. Hence, my creating a Knot account.
However, he and I have some different notions of how a wedding should go down and I'm trying to get input on how to arrive at a compromise that will satisfy us both.
#1) The $$$- He feels our families should foot the bill. My family is unable to pay for anything so that's not really an option. HIS family is happy to pay but I am concerned that allowing them to pull the strings financially will give them a great deal of control over the wedding itself. (i.e.- if they are paying for the food they will want a final say on the menu, etc)
I would prefer to pay for the wedding ourselves but he is less than excited to foot the bill.
#2) The Guest List- My list would be only about 40 people long. His is well over 100. I understand that his family is much larger than mine and so there will likely be more people on his side of the aisle than mine but there are a fair number of guests he would want to invite that I have never even met. (Ex. Friends of his fathers from work, relatives from Italy, etc. He assures me that if his parents are willing to pay I need not be concerned- but I was all about the super small, intimate affair and I can see that slipping away from me with each potential guest added on. Plus, as I said, I would *really* prefer to pay for the wedding ourselves.)
#3) The Hooplah- A lot of girls dream about their weddings. I was not one of those girls! I wanted to elope. He wants a black tie affair. We agreed to meet somewhere in the middle with a small but beautiful outdoor ceremony followed by a reception. But there is SO much I didn't think of! An engagement party? Really? And engagement photos? And when I said I didn't want a bridal shower or bachelorette party he was stunned. He's concerned his family's feelings will be hurt if we don't have all the expected bells and whistles and if we tell them we want to pay for things ourselves.
I think the wedding hooplah will just stress me out. I want to be able to enjoy getting married, of course, but I'm wondering how assertive I can be about my wants before I
step on his toes/hurt his mom's feelings/appear ungrateful.
I'm not even weraing the ring yet but I'm already feeling the pressure! I know I'm supoosed to want the big white dress and the attention and the flowers and the cake tasting and the monogramed napkins and all that crap but, God help me, just the thought of all the details is giving me ageda!
Anyone have any thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wish we could just elope
You guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum here. You'll need to find a way to compromise. I don't know how you're going to be able to do that when he has his head so far up his arse though.
PP gave terrible advice. You don't sound like a control freak. You sound like a rational human being and your FI sounds like a brat.
Also when you talk about engagement, realize that it may be longer than you think. My boyfriend's had the ring since May 2011 and we're not engaged yet.
[QUOTE]it could be worse. you could lose a toenail.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]
It's true. What a sad story for us to have to endure. My heart hurts.
[QUOTE]It's one day. Buck up and deal with it. I don't want a wedding either, but my boyfriend says that his family expects it, so we're just gonna go for it. It sucks, but whatever. The end result is what's important. He does need to realize, however, that it's your party and that you should just pay for what YOU can afford. People may say they're gonna pay, but it's not a set thing until the money's in the bank. Also when you talk about engagement, realize that it may be longer than you think. My boyfriend's had the ring since May 2011 and we're not engaged yet.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]
I know it's only one day and I am certainly open to compromise. I guess my main concern is finding way to tactfully explain to his family that, while I appreciate their generosity, I feel as if my fiance and I ought to take on the responsiblity ourselves. As to the length of the engagement, that is one of the few things he and I are totally in agreement about. We both want a brief engagement, probably in the neighborhood of 6 months. And I know that when he finally has the ring he will not be able to keep it hidden for long :)
[QUOTE]First of all, you are going to have to learn how to compromise and find a wedding that works for both of you. That being said, it works both ways. When you do get engaged, celebrate for a while, and then when you're ready to start planning, sit down together and figure a few things out. I think it's OK if you want to pay for the wedding yourselves. Money comes with strings. My FI wanted our parents to take care of everything for us. I insisted that not be the case. My parents offered to pay for the receptionwhich we let them do. However, my FI started to rethink everything once my father decided that no chicken would be served at our wedding because he doesn't like it. Because he's paying, it's his call. FI reevaluated and we decided that other than the food and drinks, we'll be taking care of everything else. So you and your FI need to sit down and figure that out. IMO, it's best to only plan the wedding that you can both afford without help. Then if there's a problem or someone offers to help and doesn't (this site is filled with stories like that), you can cover it yourselves. Once you figure out the budget, figure out what kind of wedding you want. Large weddings can be fun but some people don't like large weddings or feel uncomfortable being the center of attention with such a big crowd. Small weddings can be really nice but don't work for everyone. So together you need to come up with a rough size idea. If you are going to pay for the wedding yourselves, you have complete control over the size. If his parents pay, they can really invite all their work friends if that's what they want to do. So you have to really talk about what you want and what's important to you both as a couple. It sounds like you are I are pretty similar. My FI wanted more formal but I wanted to elope. We talked it through and decided to plan a wedding that's a compromise for both of us. We're both excited about our plans, which are very different from where we started. We didn't do an engagement party but will do engagement photos (they come with our photography package and I just like the idea of having some nice pictures of the two of us in normal clothes). You don't have to have showers or parties if you don't want them. I understand not wanting to hurt his family's feelings, but at the end of the day this is about you and your FI, not your respective families. Throw them a bone when you can and learn to pick your battles, but if you truly don't want it, you don't have to. Find ways to compromise and it will all work out!
Posted by BostonGIrl4732[/QUOTE]
This one was a helpful post- thanks :)
2) You need to find a compromise. We were in a similar situation, my FI wanted 30 and I wanted over 200 (I have a very large family). We agreed on immediate family, close aunts/uncles, some first cousins, and very close friends. I understand the father's coworkers and friends but wouldn't you want to meet the family from Italy?
3) You don't need to do all of the hooplah.
Good Luck!