After being hit with the topic of pregnancy from three completely unrelated sources this morning, I spent the afternoon, before work, in a bit of a panic, soooo scared that I might be pregnant.
I grew up in a Christian home hearing over and over that sex is meant for married couples only, and I always thought I would stay pure, but that didn't happen. With my first boyfriend, we didn't go all the way, but we went too far. I was better with my second boyfriend because he had very strong convictions about it, hard as it was for him to resist. With my FI, we became sexually active two months into our relationship.
I've been at this weird place in my relationship with God for the last few years, (despite serving two years as a missionary teacher overseas), and in the distance, I didn't really feel guilty for having premarital sex.
Even recently, as I've realized how much I need a small group (church on Sundays is NOT enough!), and my FI and have started reading our Bibles and praying together more, we've kept on having sex. Nobody in my family knows, and it's been awful having this secret.
Now after reading the pregnancy announcement a few threads below this, hearing my brother describe the funny skit (involving a pregnant teen) he did in his Spanish class, and coming across the situation of a girl thinking she might be pregnant in an interview I'm transcribing for my grad school supervisor, the possible consequences of my actions have really sunk in.
Yesterday, I had told my FI to come by after work today, since my brother (who I live with) would be out, and we’d have the place to ourselves. So he came over this evening expecting a fun time, started feeding me our favourite vegan cheesecake, and I burst into tears. I told him about my pregnancy fears, and he said that we could stop having sex. We could have a fresh start and wait for our wedding. I agreed.
We finished eating, had a cuddle on the couch, and he started picking up all the clothes he had strewn across my bedroom floor from other times. Honestly, it started to feel like a break-up. He assured me that he still loves me and we are still getting married, but I feel like I’ve just lost this expression of love for him and I feel like I am treating him so unfairly. It’s one thing to have a conviction and stand by it all the way, but it’s another to enjoy and often initiate sex, and then turn around and deny him/us that.
I don’t know how to do this...he was going to stay the night, but decided it would be best if he left. He texted me a little while later to tell me not to cry without him there to console me. Ha! Yeah, these tears won’t stop coming...I am just praying it’s PMS. Sorry this post is so incoherent! It’s like my mind right now...