stepmother's dress

am1228 · March 2011

Okay, I had posted this in the etiquette section but everyone is on the rag or something and are just giving ridiculous responses. One of them calling me a "brat." - which I had to laugh at.

From a few posts I've seen... I've come to the conclusion that the local ones aren't as catty. Here's my ordeal:

My stepmother is in her early 40s... but thinks she's in her 20s. She's got a great body for being 44 though!

She bought a black dress that was tight-fitted and described it as "very Kim Kardashian." I told her that it was inappropriate for a wedding... not to mention NOT age appropriate. So she said, "thats okay! I can wear it to our work christmas party." My thoughts were: a work Christmas party dress and a dress for your step-daughter's wedding should not be interchangeable.

When she was initially starting to look at dresses she asked if there were any colors she should be looking at. I told her nothing too bright, like red, since my colors are very muted and neutral:

So, NATURALLY, now she's set on wearing red. The brightest red you can imagine. My bridesmaids say that it's not appropriate for a wedding. Am I being too bridezilla?

We are going dress shopping Saturday so how can I tactfully tell her I REALLY don't think red is appropriate since she clearly won't listen?

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

She is a grown woman who, I'm sure, is quite capable of dressing herself. You are welcome to make suggestions and offer your opinion, when asked, but really what she wears is up to her (unless you are purchasing her dress for her).

If she clashes in pictures, she is the one who will look silly, not you. I really wouldn't worry about it.... it is pretty much out of your control. If you try to dictate what she wears, you will come off looking like a bridezilla.

If she is known for this type of dress/behavior then chances are, you will look back at your wedding pics in 20 years or so and just laugh. "Look at my step mother... so flashy" If she ends up in neutral colors, you might barely recognize her. Either way, at the end of the day, you will still be just as married whether she wears a red dress, tan dress or purple polka dot dress, so who cares.

FWIW- a few of my groomsmen have joked about getting their hair corn rowed or braided or other ridiculous things. I just laugh and remind them that they will be the ones looking like idiots if they go through with it... not me.

Also- as far as this comment...
" I told her that it was inappropriate for a wedding... not to mention NOT age appropriate. "

I certainly hope you have an extremely open, honest, close relationship with your stepmother or were saying this jokingly... my own mother would be pretty pissed if I acted so judgementally toward her.... I think this is where some others on the international boards may have gotten the "brat" idea. I would never say something like that to my own mother... there are much more tactful ways to get your opinion across, but really... what business is it of yours to decide what is age appropriate for your stepmother?

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

I couldnt have said it more perfect than Monica.

You can't tactfully tell her how to dress. You can make suggestions "Hey I think this would look great on you!" but you can't TELL her anything. Like Monica said, if I tried to tell my mother what to do, Id get smacked, and I do get loud and bitchy. Its disrespectful to TELL her anything. Youre the child and shes the adult...no matter how old you are.

Quite frankly, if shes 44 and can put on a hot little red dress...let her! Be proud that she looks good in stuff like that. Ive been to wedding where Ive worn tight little black dresses and gotten a ton of compliments, even from the bride...so I guess I dont understand the "wedding inappropriate". You're getting married and in the end...the party surrounding the "I Dos" mean nothing.

I think you need to back off and let her wear what she wants.

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

Thanks Bridgett! lol.

Come to think of it... my grandma is probably planning on wearing something realllllllly tacky. Read: bright green dress w/ huge yellow hibiscus flowers, white velcro sneakers and bright fuschia lipstick w/ a slightly different shade of red or bright fuschia nails.... possibly a hat and definitely a non-matching cardigan to wear over top because she is always cold.... sooooooo un-complimentary of my wedding colors. The nerve of her wearing what she wants at 90+ years old and not what fits into my color scheme....

Ahhhh... the pictures.... they will be terrible!!!

Maybe I should hire a stand in grandma who dresses more "wedding appropriate".

See, OP.... it really does sound kind of superficial when you care more about what the person is wearing vs the fact that they will be there to share your wedding day with you.

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

Again, perfectly put!

I dont know what FMIL is wearing but I promise it'll be some hot little number. Shes been working out like crazy for the past 6-8 months and has gotten the body to prove it. She told me once that at her step sons wedding she "looked like a grandma" (mind you she had 3 grandkids at the time) but that for my wedding, she'll be a hot mama. And ya know. More power to her. She'll probably also get drunk and make a fool of herself. Hey...as long as she has fun. Shes not my problem!

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

My mom is going to be a hot mamma too!!!! I am so proud of her and absolutely thrilled with the classy, but sexy little number she picked out and how hard she has been working to make sure she really rocks it. Yay for hot moms!!

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

My mom bought a pretty dress but it doesnt make her look older or younger. But its still very pretty. But sheds been bustin her butt workin out too. Very proud. Certainly something I cant get myself to do.

am1228 · March 2011

I appreciate all the feedback... it's just that when she first told me RED I thought it was a little much... so I did a little dress etiquette search and from what I've learned, red is a fashion faux pas because it IS an attention grabber. She's NOTORIOUS for this kind of stuff (wearing belly shirts to work!!) and since she asked for my opinion to begin with it's just kind of a slap in the face that she's going the route I suggested she not take. There are plenty of other colors that she loves and would be willing to wear but I guess you would have to know this woman to know where my frustration comes from.

And I have no problem telling her my opinion... especially when she asks for it.

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

You are looking for someone to validate your idea that you can dictate what this woman wears.... you are probably not going to find many that sympathize with you here.

So what if she wears "attention grabbing" things? You will be the bride. If she showed up in a hot pink sequin blinking bathng suit, the attention (once everyne gets done laughing at her) will still be on you. Most people with etiquette or fashion sense know not to wear neon colors or white to weddings.... if they do... they look silly, not the bride (as about 15 different people have already told you).

I don't know if you mean to or not, but you are really coming off as jealous (of your step mother... really??) and are seriously toeing the bridezilla line.

Maybe she is going with the "slap in the face" route because you are trying to be a nazi about her attire. It seems childish, but if someone irritated me enough about what I could and could not wear (if I was not in the WP), I just might wear something particularly "unacceptable" to them, just to piss them off. Think about that before you bring her your list of etiquette and fashion reasons why she should not wear the dress she wants to wear to your wedding... I am sure a red dress is not the worst thing she could find if you pushed her in that direction.

sarahk915 · March 2011

My advice...just let it go. Let her wear what she wants to wear and don't stress over it. Like PP said, she's a grown woman.

*Monica, I just have to say that your grandma sounds adorable!!!

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_stepmothers-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:7148a47f-2542-4358-a7c5-0a3deaca29b7Post:29ad9016-f963-4259-8a77-ec315b5630ce">Re: stepmother's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]My advice...just let it go. Let her wear what she wants to wear and don't stress over it. Like PP said, she's a grown woman. <strong>*Monica, I just have to say that your grandma sounds adorable!!!
</strong>Posted by sarahk915[/QUOTE]

Hee hee. Yeah... she's pretty awesome. lol. Hopefully I can rock the neon green w/ flowers and fuschia lipstick when I am 90 years young. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />

sbolger17 · March 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_stepmothers-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:7148a47f-2542-4358-a7c5-0a3deaca29b7Post:29ad9016-f963-4259-8a77-ec315b5630ce">Re: stepmother's dress</a>:
[QUOTE]My advice...just let it go. Let her wear what she wants to wear and don't stress over it. Like PP said, she's a grown woman.
Posted by sarahk915[/QUOTE]

Agreed. You've said your piece and it seems like your stepmother is choosing to ignore it. That would bug me too, but there's really nothing more you can do except just try to forget about it.

Red isn't that bad; my mom wore off-white to my brother's wedding several years ago! (She insists it was beige, but it looks white in all the pics; it's kind of funny to look at pictures.)

kkozlo2 · March 2011

OP- I personally can see your point- especially when your stepmother asked your opinion on the color and dress and then decided that was what she was going with.

I was in a similar situation with my future MIL. She asked what colors to stay away from and the only one I said was Navy blue because that was what the bridesmaids would be wearing and I wanted her to not blend in with the wedding party. What color did she pick.... Navy and it annoyed me only because she asked me what not to do... then did it. I am also not thrilled with the style. She is 55 and is wearing a strapless dress. She has DD boobs and I am terrified they will make an appearance at the wedding. Besides being strapless it is a bridesmaid dress that is mermaid fit. Again, I don't think this is age approprriate either... I didn't quite say that but I did suggest maybe adding straps to be 'more comfortable'. We'll see if that happens.

I don't think you were out of line to say it wasn't age appropriate... my mom would WANT me to tell her. Although she may look GREAT in the dress people do comment on it being 'too young'. I was at a wedding last summer where one of the aunts had on a super tight strapless hot pink mini dress with beads everywhere. She was the talk of the wedding.... Everywhere you turned it was "Did you SEE that dress...."

At the end of the day... I realize there is NOTHING I can do about what she is going to wear. She is thrilled with the dress and if she looks silly... it will be her thing. You are the bride and everyone will be talking about how beautiful you look no matter what your stepmom is wearing!

crystaldes1029 · March 2011

Ok I have gone through all of this. My MIL is awesome and has a great body for being late 40's. She is a modest dresser but my SIL helped her find a dress that was form fitting but still classy.

Heres how it breaks down (very easy and Monica & the other ladies def touched on it perfectly!)

If she approaches you and says something like: "I want this to be your day and I want you to tell me what I should wear" Then go for it tell her what you think she should wear.

Otherwise, can it. Shes a grown woman who will wear what she wants and as Monica said she will be the tard in the pictures, oh well. Its a wedding not a cult. You can say oh that dress is nice or oh thats not what I would of picked but that pretty much draws the line without you sounding like sorry to say a 'brat.'

Don't get me wrong I understand you want the day to be flawless but you can't control everyone.

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