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Catholic, TTC and seeking advice from mothers

Eliz77Eliz77 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Catholic Weddings
A spin-off from the chit-chat thread...

How many of you are TTC, whether for the 1st time or not? What are some issues that crop/cropped up for you, and what advice would you share to those of us either trying or will be trying in the future?

My story...

I am 35 years old, my husband is 32. We were married in July and have been together 7 years. Over the years, we have spoken about having a family and the way we'd like to raise our future children, what we'd teach them and just in general hopes and dreams. My husband was baptized but was not raised in the Church. We both came to the decision together that our children will be baptized and raised Catholic. We share a lot of the same beliefs, so I am not concerned about conflicts. Our Priest encourages him  to become more familiar with our religion, but no one is pressuring him, so he has been very open to discussions, attends Mass with me at times, and we both have been relieved that we share a very similar train of thought. 

The only issue we're having is when to start trying. Of course, at 35, I am a bit anxious and reading "The Bump" has made me even more nervous and impatient...my husband wants to have more things set up financially and have our house put together more before we talk about it. I just feel that "perfect moment" does not exist. It has caused some tension at times between us, nothing serious, but it's clear we aren't on the same page here. We have a family wedding coming up next month that we are both very involved in, so my plan has been to wait until that is done, and have us sit down to talk it all out. I think now that it is more real, he's feeling stress about how it will all work.

I just thought it would be nice to have a thread here where people in the same boat could share their stories and offer any advice!
~ES~
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Re: Catholic, TTC and seeking advice from mothers

  • CiardasullyCiardasully member
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    I am not a mother (or a wife yet for that matter) but thank you for posting this and I will be watching with interest.  I am getting married at 34 and FI and I agreed to wait a year before TTC because we don't want to have a child where we live now (not the best neighborhood) and we want to be in a house.  So I will be 35 when I am TTC. 
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  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
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    not a mother either, but i just turned 35 and i get freaked when i read articles about how fertility decreases at such a rapid rate.

    i think with charting it can certainly help the process since you will know exactly when you are fertile.  but i guess my thoughts on it was that if you know for sure you want kids, id start trying now as it may take awhile.  if it happens right away, then i think you have to look at it as God's plan.

    most will tell you there is never the "right time".  if you keep delaying it, there will always be something that makes it seem like its not the right time.

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  • itzMSitzMS member
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    I would suggest that you have a serious discussion and run down the costs of raising a baby with your DH. It's a little scary, but it is reality. Certainly wait until you can financially afford a child. I believe that not going into debt for a baby should always be a non-negotiable for responsible couples.

    FWIW, I will share my personal plan with DH. We determined we can afford to raise 5 children, maximum, and would like a larger family. So, we will be TTC (somewhat casually) for 5 years or 5 kids, whichever comes first.

    If you are on BC currently, I would highly suggest working with an NFP OBGYN to determine if a more natural route would work for you instead. This can help you to learn how your body works, so you can more quickly conceive at the time you are ready.
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  • Resa77Resa77
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    I just want to add that there are some reasons for waiting which are pretty much non-negotiable.  For instance, if neither your H or you has a job, you should not TTC.  There are other reasons that really aren't as important, though are reasonable, such as waiting to buy a house or finish a post-grad degree.  When you're in a situation where you are likely to encounter difficulty TTC -- whether it be a medical condition or age -- then you have to weigh the reasons for TTA vs the possibility of not being able to conceive, and decide from there.

     

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  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
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    Oh, yeah-we are very aware of the financial constraints! We have some financial flexibility at this point, he's doing very well in his career and I have a nice job where my paycheck is basically put away towards the future. I know there is never a "right time", life always has a way to throw you curves. I think once we start trying it will be one of those,"Whatever happens, if it happens..." kind of thing. 

    I am not on BC.
    ~ES~
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  • newlyseliskinewlyseliski member
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    I think it would be worthwhile for you to start TTC sooner than later!  If successful, then you still have a nine month buffer zone before the baby arrives :)  I know successfully conceiving can definitely be more challenging after 30, so maybe wait a couple months to watch how your cycles go and then go for it?  It is definitely an overwhelming step to take to jump into the TTC phase... but the scariness wears off quickly!
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  • bibliophile2010bibliophile2010 member
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    FWIW, my H and I have opted to do what we have discerned is right for us, not what society would deem "right."

    A year ago, I was totally anxious about our plans. I was sorting out some cycle issues, had a job with great insurance, was closing in on 30, had been married for about 2 months. H is in professional/grad school. We had figured we could afford one babybwhile he was still in school, but were unsure of when to start TTC.

    One of my real hesitations was from spending too much time lurking on the Bump, and not being ready to turn into a "crazy" TTC lady: mostly in the sense of not living my life because I was TTC and the constant obsession over when I could test and what every little sign meant.

    Honestly, I just started praying about it. In early/mid October, while praying before the Blessed Sacrament specificically about our intentions for the cycle I was just starting, I was flooded with surety that we didn't have good reasons to avoid. Since my H was already on board with not avoiding (it was all me at that point), we used fertile days that cycle, and ended up with a baby girl in July.

    Because of my cycle issues, I did not think it would be so easy to conceive, but I definitely learned some things: 1) I have grown so much as a woman, as a wife, and as a child of God through motherhood; 2) it is not about "us," so much as God's plan for us; 3) being a mom is hard -- you will never be ready or prepared, yet motherhood is the greatest gift I have ever received; 4) I don't know if I will ever "TTC" so much as "TTW" when we don't have reason to avoid (TTW=try to whatever) -- in other words, leaving it in God's hands and using whatever days feel natural to our relationship; 5) I'm sure I'll end up eating my words to #4; 6) even on the worst days, I wouldn't trade having C for anything!

    I'll be in and out today, but I'm sure I'll have more to add following others' comments.
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  • shawna127shawna127 member
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    ^ This completely!  I think the key words are pray and discern.  I think the Lord has a way of letting you know when it's time.  Best of luck and many prayers! :o)
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  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
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    bibliophile-thank you for your post! I feel the same and have no desire to make myself crazy and stress over this. I need to take it as you did and go from there. I'm aware of what my cycle is like, but I don't obsess, or talk about it with my husband. I feel he doesn't need to know everything or will just feel pressured. But I do want a baby and sooner than later!
    ~ES~
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  • TeaForMeTeaForMe member
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    Sorry I'm late to the discussion here, but our thoughts were exactly as Calypso said. We knew we wanted kids so we figured sooner rather than later and jumped right in. It is true I don't think you can ever be 100 ready and you just need to take the plunge. Especially as so many of us are waiting till our 30s to get started. This is selfish, but I would like to still have a few "good years" left once we are empty nesters.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I am not a mother yet, either. But I am now off the BCP and have begun charting. H and I have been talking about TTC in the next month or so. I agree that there is no "perfect time" to have a child. I will be 30 in November and H is 31 and we would like to have several kids. While we thought our financial situation would be different than it is, we have figured out that we can afford one child with our current expenses, etc. We have been married a few years now and just feel that it is time if we are going to have kids, and we both want them very much so.
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  • pretzelgrrlpretzelgrrl member
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    Like many I was worried it would take a long time to get pregnant....I was 36...my husband was 40....so many of my friends had trouble many doing fertility. We had been married for 6 monthes and discussed my concerns about how difficult it maybe...We kind of figured we should wait since we were going to try to get a house...well that didn't happen because 2 months later I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked...well we are still trying to get a bigger place and worry about that but we feel so blessed despite the fact it wasn't the perfect moment :) so don't get too stressed...and be careful of the bump it can drive you crazy :)
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  • Eliz77Eliz77 member
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    It's nice to hear from people is similar boat! I know...I have to stay away from the Bump! And certain threads on here that make my head spin! My husband is taking me to dinner soon and has said we have things to discuss so maybe we will talk about this very topic. And if not, we will soon. Not really worried about us, just want a plan! So, everyone enjoy the rest of the weekend, I plan on doing so!
    ~ES~
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  • catarntinacatarntina member
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    So, I went to the Grace Hopper conference in 2010, right before I got married.  There was a panel titled, "Managing your career through the childbearing years."  A girl got up and asked, "I want a family, but an opportunity came up at work.  Do I try to get pregnant now, or wait until I'm settled in my new role?"

    The unamimous advice from the panelist?  Have the family NOW.  They said, "There is no perfect moment.  Something will ALWAYS come up."

    I took it to heart.  We were going to wait until we were in a bigger house ... that's not until next year at the earliest.  Why wait?  We're married,  we have a roof over our head (even if it's a small roof), we have 2 cars, we both have jobs, we're still able to put money in savings even with Daycare and diapers... what was the point of waiting?  I couldn't find a valid reason. So, we stopped TTA after being married 5 months, and I got pregnant our first cycle.

    You might want to discuss with your OB/GYN about waiting much past 35.  There are risks, not just decreased fertility.  Your doctor would be best to inform you on your personal situation.  If he says not to wait, maybe that will kick your husband into gear. :)
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