Telling a friend she isn't a BM

andrealykins · March 2013

I'm recently engaged (yay!) and we want to have a small wedding party. I have two friends from high school and two from college. How do I let a close friend know that she won't be a BM? I'm thinking of asking her to do a reading but I'm afraid it won't be enough. Any help is appreciated!

andrealykins · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:21a6f032-772f-4620-b965-0d2e9976d844Post:7bfbde1f-a663-491b-84d4-d1d17ee3eff1">Re: Telling a friend she isn't a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't. Never sit someone down and tell them outright that they won't be in the wedding party. That's guaranteed to hurt feelings. They'll wonder why someone else made the cut but they didn't. Quietly select those you want, and say nothing to those you don't. Ask her later to do the reading. It is rather tacky to exclude someone who's close to you for the sake of numbers. It's only one more person.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your response. But it isn't for the sake of numbers - there is more to it, but I felt it wasn't relevant to the question. Thanks again!

andrealykins · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:21a6f032-772f-4620-b965-0d2e9976d844Post:34506736-b4b9-4bd8-a6ee-d272e9ecef99">Re:Telling a friend she isn't a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your answer - one of my friends had this happen to her and she suggested that I tell her so she doesn't feel like I was hiding it.

andrealykins · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:21a6f032-772f-4620-b965-0d2e9976d844Post:a6d4c5cb-2dc6-4b16-8d81-fad484b4884e">Re: Telling a friend she isn't a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]No, that's a bad idea. Telling her outright will make it worse. Her feelings may be hurt when she finds out, but sitting her down and outlining why you aren't picking is guaranteed to rub it in.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much - I really do appreciate your help!!

Wife Kitty · March 2013

Ellcote, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm a bit confused. Since these two friends wore the same color as the bridesmaids, were there with you when you got ready that day, took pictures with you, and helped you figure out your dress, makeup and hair, it sounds as though for all intents and purposes they pretty much were bridesmaids. Was there a physical reason they could not be designated as such? I know you mentioned that it was because the numbers were getting to be too big - do you mean a physical limitation of the space in which you were getting married? Or two people too many transportation-wise? Something along those lines?

Wife Kitty · March 2013

Also, for what it's worth, I'm really sorry about what happened between you and your former friend. I can definitely see why you'd want to proceed in this issue with caution, and avoid making other girl friends feel the way that you felt.

Weezy56 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:21a6f032-772f-4620-b965-0d2e9976d844Post:31aa2a09-2d99-4bde-8d7b-dacb0c7882fe">Re: Telling a friend she isn't a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I was on the recieving end of a very similar situation about a year ago. My best friend was getting married and over the years we had talked about being eachothers MOH and our wedding details ect. When she did get engaged she avoided talking to me for about a month. I was hurt, upset, and really confused. I wasn't sure what I had done or why she wouldn't talk to me about the wedding. After about a month and a half I asked her about her wedding party. She got awkward and uncomfortable and right away I knew. It was terrible. My feelings were cushed and it was the worst way I could have found out. After all of the drama that unfolded after this it actually ruined our friendship. I got engaged in Nov and found myself in a similar situation as my previous best friend. I had 6 gfs in my wedding party and 2 close gfs that I just couldn't manage to fit in, not because I didn't want them up there with me, but because the numbers were just getting too big. I took each girl out for lunch (seperatly) and talked to them about it. I told them about the wedding party and that if we could have everyone up there we would but we just cant. I came up with an alternative. I knew that I needed both girls to still be involved in some way. I asked if those two girls would be my "fashion go-to girls". They would be the girls to come with me to help pick my wedding dress, my wedding shoes, and help me figure out hair and makeup. I asked if on the day of the wedding they would be there to help get me ready - so that way I still had a really special moment with each of them and they both felt so included. I also asked both girls if they would wear the same colour as the bridesmaids and if they would take a few pictures with me. I would never NOT tell my close gf that she was not in my wedding party. If they are honestly your close friend then they will understand and appreciate you telling them RATHER than them hearing it through someone else or WORST them having to ask you.
Posted by ellcote[/QUOTE]

This is bad advice. When you're friend got married, it was rude of you to bring up the bridal party. You put her in an awkward situation, and that's why it stung so bad. When it came to your wedding, Instead of having the honor of being bridesmaids, they were you're "go to" girls, which is hardly an honor. If they were doing all of these things, why would you not ask them to just be a bridesmaid and stand up with you? Essentially you were just teling them that they were runner-ups to your friends that were actually bridesmaids.

misssunshine17 · March 2013

You don't want to make your friend feel like the last kid picked at dodge ball, do you? Don't say anything. She'll figure it out and hopefully won't cause a scene. If she does, I personally would question the motives if she's just being an AW or if she really feels the need to be a BM.

Knottie_22382452 · March 2013

I know if I were in the receiving end of this I would WANT to be told instead of wondering. When people are left wondering they tend to get overly emotional and speculate. When the bride leaves them wondering then the bride also would unintentionally make contact sparse and that would cause an even bigger issue with the friend.

Weezy56 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_telling-a-friend-she-isnt-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:21a6f032-772f-4620-b965-0d2e9976d844Post:77e6e0b6-b473-4eef-abec-7cd9e74481df">Re:Telling a friend she isn't a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]I know if I were in the receiving end of this I would WANT to be told instead of wondering. <strong>When people are left wondering they tend to get overly emotional and speculate. When the bride leaves them wondering then the bride also would unintentionally make contact sparse and that would cause an even bigger issue with the friend.</strong>
Posted by Atlossforwords[/QUOTE]

Wrong. I had a friend who I was really close with in high school and I still love her dearly, but when it came time to pick our bridal party, we were just not as close as we once were so after a lot of thought I decided not to ask her. I know she was wondering if she was in the bridal party because she asked someone about it and it got back to me. Do you know what I said to her about it? Nothing. Because it would have been rude and just a confirmation of what she already knew. And I didn't unintentionally make contact sparse, our friendship continued on the same and we never hung out any less than we did pre-engagement. Me taking her aside and purposely telling her would have just made her feel like dookie. These types of things are only as big of a production as you make them out to be.

bumblebee1234 · March 2013

I think you need to do what is best in your friendship. None of us are in the situation so it is unfair for us to say "don't tell her" or "tell her." You are the only individual who knows your friendship. I decided not to have attendants and I filled my best friends in on this and you know what, they were thrilled. I believe they appreciated me being upfront because I wasn't having anyone and that I respected them enough to have a conversation with them about it. But that was our friendship and each is different.

wittykitty14 · March 2013

Each friendship is different. Tell them, don't tell them, it's up to you. What do you think your friends would prefer? If you're unsure, then stay on the safe side, and don't say anything.

Readings are wonderful ways to involve other people in your wedding. It's a big honor and a great way to show that they mean a lot to you!

Also, I don't recommend inviting them to get ready with you and your bridesmaids. If that were me, it would feel like a HUGE slap in the face, and I would feel like the awkward third wheel.

Best of luck with your planning!

Weezy56 · March 2013

"To each there own sweetheart. It worked out wonderful for me and my girlfriends and I have never been better. Everyone is enjoying the special parts they have in our wedding and I am so happy I was able to include and honor everyone I wanted too, in a unique way. I am looking forward to the moments to come and I cannot wait for our big day. In regards to what you said about my own situation with my previous gf you probably shoud not be so quick to judge on what I should or should not have done. When you think for months you are someones MOH there are things that need to be done, parties that need to be planned, and you need to work with the bride. I honestly thought I was her MOH which is the ONLY reason I brought it up to her and came out and asked. I'm glad I did because who knows how long I would have had to wait or who I would have found out from. If these girls are your close friends just be honest and be yourself its a tough situation but it doesn't have to destroy friendships." Good to know its working out for you. Doesn't change the fact that it's rude to bring it up. Why would you think you were MOH if you weren't officially asked? I still stand by my post, sweetheart.

fionahalliwell · March 2013

My mom had a friend who got married when they were both in their mid 20's. She called my mom and another friend and invited them to lunch, at which point she informed them that she only had one place left for a bridesmaid (because she wanted even sides *groan*) and that she would decide by a coin toss. My mom lost. That is, hands down, the dumbest WP story I've ever heard.

No one should ever be given unsolicited information like that, and it'd be rude of you to tell your friend that she won't be in the party. If she asks, I agree with PPs. Just say something like, "unfortunately, I couldn't include everyone as a bridesmaid, but I want to have you as part of my wedding. Would you do a reading for us?"

Knottie_22381998 · March 2013

My BM wanted be and thought she was my MOH, even tho I never asked her or made any mention of it, infact I had made several mentions about my BFF from high school being my MOH, when it came time to order the dresses, BM had a freak out and used every excuse in the book for why she couldn't order her dress. Needless to say BM stepped down, and we are no longer friends. Her loss, she felt like second best, I have no idea why. Good luck! You already know what to do, you just aren't sure of yourself.

Telling a friend she isn't a BM

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