A lot of issues...please help!

PegLeg2na · December 2012

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six years and are thinking about getting married sometime in the next two years. We have a seven-month-old daughter. Here are the issues:

-He has a HUGE extended family he feels should be invited to the wedding, whereas I want as few people as possible
-His family is Catholic (in all the years I've known him, he's not practicing) and he feels our ceremony should reflect that. I'm not religious at all.
-He feels obliged to have a big dinner and dancing since that's what everyone in his family "does"...I don't like dancing and I would prefer a small dinner with a killer dessert bar
-He wants alcohol, whereas none of my family drinks and it would really bother them to offer alcohol.
-I'd be fine with going to the courthouse and signing papers (with immediate family only) and having a nice reception afterwards with family and close friends, he is pretty set on a church wedding.
-He thinks my parents will pay for everything (which is probably true) so we can "afford" to have a big wedding. I don't think it's fair to assume my parents will pay for a wedding I don't really want.

SO, we aren't married yet because of these huge differences of opinon. How do we ever go about finding some common ground? Every time we talk about getting married we both get frustrated with the other person for not wanting to "compromise". HELP!

mandi195 · December 2012

you need to compromise. It seems you both claim to know that you need to compromise, but neither of you seem willing to do so. Also, I'd worry about being engaged before you try to plan a wedding.

Jen4948 · December 2012

Figure out what you're willing to compromise on and what's important enough to you that they are deal-breakers. Then take your list to your FI and ask him to do the same. For one thing, if it's absolutely important to you that your parents not be asked to pay for a big shebang, or that it not be a Catholic wedding, decide what you are willing to compromise on and let him know that you will agree to those things if he agrees to yield on your deal-breakers.

If you find that you and he can't compromise on anything, you'd better hold off on this wedding until there is.

Sue-n-Kevin · December 2012

The advice you've been given above is excellent.

Presumably you are both adults, have a 6 year relationship with each other and have a daughter. Having a child is a big responsibility. Planning a wedding is planning the most meaningful legal event you will be involved with, which is also for many, but not all, a big party. I would never in a million years allow my parents to pay for a party for me that I didn't want. If they were willing to provide that money to me for something, I'd think more along the lines of a house down payment or some furniture. Or a college education for my daughter.

As a recent (older) bride, and a mother, if I were aware that my adult children were disagreeing with a partner as you two are, I'd probably be offering to pay for counseling, not a wedding. I would consider it extremely presumptuous and selfish to expect me to pay for a wedding. I would feel the same way whether I'd won the lottery or had a middle class income as I do.

These are some really big red flags, and lead me to believe you will disagree on the cost of everything in your shared future, how to discipline, how to budget, how to use credit cards, whether to raise your child in the church or not, and how much other people's perceptions don't matter.

His opinion that your parents can "afford" to pay for your wedding says nothing about what he and you together can afford. Will he expect your parents to afford everything? Bail you out of financial hardship?

No one here means to be harsh. The responses you will get are meant to englighten you to some issues you may be too close to see.........which may be why you have waited so long to make this a legal commitment.

Best wishes.

JaneAustensGhost · December 2012

It doesn't sound like you have very much in common. And he sounds like a bit of an entitled git. Why are you marrying him?

Avion22 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_a-lot-of-issuesplease-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:98e86ad6-7f52-49ca-8184-8459f329e447Post:fd22138d-d1fb-4714-bd48-d42cc06cbe73">Re: A lot of issues...please help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Before you start planning your wedding, you need to get couples counseling! Being in love is not a good reason to marry someone who might just be incompatible. Go to a professional counselor together and get an opinion.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with this. Honestly, I think EVERY couple should get some kind of counseling before getting married.

</div>

kmmssg · December 2012

Ditto CMG - go get some counseling. You guys aren't on solid ground for a marriage if you are so far apart on a one day party. As a 3 time MOB I also take exception to his entitlement to plan a big shindig on your parent's dime. God help the young man who thinks he could marry my other DD with an idea like that.

PegLeg2na · December 2012

OP here.

First off, thanks for all the advice so far, some has been really helpful!

I feel like I should clear a few things up. While I agree pre-marital counseling is good, I don't appreciate being told my OH and I have issues with our entire relationship simply because we can't find common ground on wedding ideas. We've been living together harmoniously and already share finances etc for the past two years. Aside from ideas about weddings, we're really very much alike.

I think the main problem of the ones I listed is that he feels obliged to have this big huge wedding because that's what his extended family "does". We'd be the first (in a loooong time) to not have a big church wedding/huge reception if we decide not to go that route. So, how do I get his family of being supportive of letting us have a different wedding? I think if we got the support of his family, OH would be more willing to do it a little differently. He's not a social butterfly, after all.

I also want to point out that my parents did offer to send us off to a destination wedding to Hawaii, which is where he got the idea that they would pay for our wedding. But it would be very difficult for his family to fly out there so it wouldn't really work.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice so far. I guess we both need to make lists of where we'd be okay with budging and go from there!

bunni727 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_a-lot-of-issuesplease-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:98e86ad6-7f52-49ca-8184-8459f329e447Post:cebb5aed-1216-40e6-8ee7-f60b2b3eeab7">Re: A lot of issues...please help!</a>:
[QUOTE]OP here. First off, thanks for all the advice so far, some has been really helpful! I feel like I should clear a few things up. While I agree pre-marital counseling is good, I don't appreciate being told my OH and I have issues with our entire relationship simply because we can't find common ground on wedding ideas. We've been living together harmoniously and already share finances etc for the past two years. Aside from ideas about weddings, we're really very much alike. I think the main problem of the ones I listed is that he feels obliged to have this big huge wedding because that's what his extended family "does". We'd be the first (in a loooong time) to not have a big church wedding/huge reception if we decide not to go that route. <strong>So, how do I get his family of being supportive of letting us have a different wedding?</strong> I think if we got the support of his family, OH would be more willing to do it a little differently. He's not a social butterfly, after all. I also want to point out that my parents did offer to send us off to a destination wedding to Hawaii, which is where he got the idea that they would pay for our wedding. But it would be very difficult for his family to fly out there so it wouldn't really work. Anyway, thanks for all the advice so far. I guess we both need to make lists of where we'd be okay with budging and go from there!
Posted by PegLeg2na[/QUOTE]

That's kind of the problem; they may never be supportive. He really needs to get over that.

My family has church weddings in the bride's hometown. We got married in a park in his hometown, so very few people from my side (10 out of over 100) came. For us, that was okay, because it is what we chose together.

I definitely agree that you two should pay for it yourselves, and come up with a day you can both be happy with. As long as what you come up with doesn't go against etiquette or inconvenience your attending guests, there is not really any reason your familes' opinions should affect your plans so drastically.

ryan&cassie · December 2012

Here are my 2 cents:

While it is good to consider everyone's feelings, the people who are paying for the wedding are the only ones who should really get much of a say. If his parents aren't contributing to the cost of the wedding, then it's not really up to them to determine the theme or size of the wedding. This is something you should remain firm on with his family.

Second, if your parents have already suggested giving you money for your wedding, I think it is acceptable to discuss this in more detail with them. Talk to them about a specific amount that the are comfortable contributing - and find out if they have any preferences on how you'd spend this money. Sometimes parents will want you to spend it a specific way (on the wedding) or sometimes it's a simple gift that has no strings (for example if you wanted just a small wedding you would be free to use the remainder on something else, like home improvements or a nice honeymoon). In the case that your parent aren't willing to contribute as much as you assumed (which I find is often the case - parents often seem to be out of the loop on the modern costs of some things) it may help put the situation in perspective for OH.

Lastly, and this is an issue that you do need to sort out with him specifically - if he holds more weight over the opinions of his family than yours - this will be a problem in your marriage. You will always be at odds with his family there is a disagreement. In a relationship, it is very important that you make your own decisions together first, and then put a united front towards the rest of the family. Families can be really difficult, all the more reason why the two of you need to stand together. It's very hard to make decisions with 10 people giving you different opinions - you need to figure out what is best for the two of you, and then stick to your guns.

monkeysip · December 2012

I think all the reception issues are issues that should be equally compromised by both persons.

The ceremony issue is a little trickier. If the issue were a PRACTICING Catholic who did not want to lose their communion with the Church marrying a non-religious person, then I would say the non-religious person needs to accept that, since they suffer no real consequence from having the Catholic wedding. At the same time, they can still compromise a little on the ceremony, for example, by choosing readings and hymns that the non-religious person is more comfortable with, not having a mass, etc.

But if your FI isn't practicing and doesn't really plan on practicing, then I think it's actually pretty disrespectful to get married in the Church.

FI really needs to figure out why he wants to marry in the Church... and it shouldn't be because he wants to make family happy. It should be because the faith means something to him.

And you both need to figure out what religion (if any) you each will practice and raise possible kids with.

ryan&cassie · December 2012

"It can become an even bigger issue if you have children. Think of the in-laws interfering in the upbringing of the grandchildren..."

This is EXTREMELY relevant, PegLeg, as you already have a child together. Your fiance needs to be able to stand up for himself, you, and your child, now that you three are the primary family unit - you all need to act like you are the primary unit and make that very clear to everyone else.

PegLegTuna · December 2012

OP here again. Thanks for more advice, I really appreciate it! I think FI needs to think about about what HE wants, because I don't think he knows that, I think he just knows what he /should/ want, if that makes sense. We'll be going to visit family over the holidays so it will be a good time to talk with my family about the money situation. I'd rather have a nice honeymoon and put a nice chunk away for our daughter and a down payment than a big wedding. His immediate family is actually very nice, which is part of the problem. I wouldn't feel so bad about not doing what they want if they were meaner about it! His extended family is a bit different, though. Ugh. I agree with the person who said it would be disrespectful to his church if we got married there simply because he thinks we should. I actually think FI feels bad that he's not practicing so there is some guilt there as well. if it really meant something to him, I wouldn't have a problem and would consent to a church wedding, but like I said I think he just needs to figure out what he really wants. Anyway, thanks again.

julespinkribbon · January 2013

i think you need david tutera!!!!

A lot of issues...please help!

Re: A lot of issues...please help!

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